So Much To Say

Options
VC1
VC1 Member Posts: 22
edited June 2014 in Palliative Therapy/Hospice Care

I do not have cancer but my wife does.  She is now in a hospice after fighting this illness for two and half years.  She is young, too young to be going through this.  At 35, we should be enjoying life to the fullist not preparing for her to die.  She has become very poorly lately and asked to go into a hospice as she became scared at home and everything started to get too much for her to handle.  They have her pain under control and she is comfortable, something which I am so pleased about.  She is very week and always tired, partly due to the medication and partly due to the fluid on her lungs.  We still hope that the fluid will be drained again, for the third time, and that this will offer her some relief so that maybe she can come home, at least for a while.  At the moment though, I just cant see it.  Going to the toilet is a slow, difficult process as days in bed have made mobility hard for her.  If she dosent come home and her condition gets worse, when do I say all the things I want to tell her, and how do I say them without breaking down and upsetting her?  If I do it now, she will think that she is near the end when we dont think this is the case.  But if I leave it too late, maybe I wont get to tell her these things.  I know it is a decision I need to make but any advice you can give me would help.

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • ma111
    ma111 Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2012

    SO sorry you two have to go through this at such a young age. That makes it much harder.

    Consider talking to her hospice nurse about the right time to say what you want. They would know best as they know her condition and have dealt with this before.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • angelsister
    angelsister Member Posts: 474
    edited January 2012

    Im so sorry. Youre right she is too young and it is so unfair. I agree with Ma that the hospice staff may ne able to advise you. For what its worth and that may be not much...my opinion. .Say it now, a little at a time if needs be, you can always say it again. I just wayched an incredible closeness between my sister and her husband, they talked and cried a lot and then would say 'right thats enough'. Next day they'd do the same thing. By the time she could no longer respond, he just talked anyway, he knew her response and her look told him everything. I wish both of you peaceful days to come, whether at home or in hospice. Warmest thoughts and best wishes Steph x

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • jeanne46
    jeanne46 Member Posts: 1,941
    edited January 2012

    Hospices are set up to provide help not only to the patient, but to the family as well.  I strongly recommend talking to one of your wife's nurses or a social worker to help you deal with knowing how and when to talk with your wife about all the things you want to tell her.  Am so very sorry to hear that such a young woman is having to deal with this ugly disease.  My heart goes out to both of you.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • VC1
    VC1 Member Posts: 22
    edited January 2012

    Thanks for your messages.  I tried to tell her but cant do it so she told me to write her a letter which I am going to do.  She still seems ok at the moment, all her symptoms are under control.  I only hope she stays this way a little longer.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • Bren-2007
    Bren-2007 Member Posts: 6,241
    edited January 2012

    Dear VC1,

    I think writing your wife a letter is a wonderful idea.  You can pour out all you thoughts and feelings on paper.

    I am so sorry for your wife's situation.  She is so young to be going through so much.

    Keeping you both close in my thoughts,

    Bren

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • BarbaraA
    BarbaraA Member Posts: 7,378
    edited January 2012

    I am holding you and your wife in my prayers. I am sure the letter will be the best way to tell her how much you love her.  I so feel for you.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • ma111
    ma111 Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2012

    The letter is a great idea.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • maggiesuzanne
    maggiesuzanne Member Posts: 63
    edited January 2012

    Please tell her how much you love her and how valuable she is to you...that will please her...she must know she is loved......tell her now.....you sound like a wonderful husband......

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • maggiesuzanne
    maggiesuzanne Member Posts: 63
    edited January 2012

    Please tell her how much you love her and how valuable she is to you...that will please her...she must know she is loved......tell her now.....you sound like a wonderful husband......

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • chef127
    chef127 Member Posts: 891
    edited January 2012

    VC1

    I am so sorry for your heart break. Write her that letter. This way she can hear your words as many times as she chooses. A friend of mine passed about six months ago, of BC.  In the end she wouldn't take any visitors. I am sure her husband was there for her and that was all she wanted and needed. She wrote a letter to all her friends that we read at the end of her journey. It made us sad but happy to hear her possitive words that she shared with us all. It was comforting  for us to read her thoughts. We needed those final feelings, we miss her, but understand why she wanted her time with her family. We felt her aura and we thank her for thinking of us. Now thats generous.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • VC1
    VC1 Member Posts: 22
    edited January 2012

    My wife will read my letter today.  She has had so many visitors and I has said now that she only wants certain people with her.  In her final hours she has asked for only me and our son.  I know she has written us both letters as well, they will be hard to read but Im sure will the say all the things she dosent have the energy to tell us now.  She is so strong and so brave, I only hope I can be the same

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • VC1
    VC1 Member Posts: 22
    edited January 2012

    She read the letter and wants it put in her coffin with her, so glad I done this now, I can enjoy the time we have left together without worrying about telling her these things.  She is still comfortable and content.  Thank you all for your kind words of support

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • ma111
    ma111 Member Posts: 1,376
    edited January 2012

    I am so glad that the letters worked and she is content.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • BarbaraA
    BarbaraA Member Posts: 7,378
    edited January 2012

    Sending gentle hugs your way and prayers for you and your family.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • angelsister
    angelsister Member Posts: 474
    edited January 2012

    Im so glad that your decision turned out well. Wishing you syrength and peace on days to come xx

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • dmacw
    dmacw Member Posts: 886
    edited January 2012

    Thinking of you.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • VC1
    VC1 Member Posts: 22
    edited February 2012

    Thank you all for your kind words, my angel is asleep now

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • angelsister
    angelsister Member Posts: 474
    edited February 2012

    Thinking of you and wishing you strength xx

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories