SO home sick 3 mos. & I'm his slave

What does he say when you tell him this?

Cause, if he were mine, he would be facing death.

I am so sorry you are going through this.  I see two different issues here - one is to help with legitimate physical needs - which he will need help with post-surgery. The other is what sounds like a crushing emotional component, wherein he wants your attention at every moment.  This sounds like there is some toxic codependent element to the relationship. (I hope I am not being offensive by saying this.)

IF you have made sure his needs are met, he is comfortable and resting, and you have spent some time with him, there is NO REASON you can't say "If you have everything you need, I am going to sit in the other room and work on a crossword for a little while. Call me if you need anything." Then he can sleep, read, rest, watch Tv or whatever and you can GO.  If this isn't possible, then something is very off balance. 

You mention a therapist. That is a good ally. I know how hard it is to change the dynamics in relationships. If it were me, I would go to the therapist and tell him/her that I want to change the dynamic and ask for specific tools and roleplay in how to do so. They also may be able to prepare you for his reaction ,which might not be pleasant. But I'd rather do that and get to a better place than go on and on in this crushing unhealthy way.

Sending peace and strength your way. Sounds like you are going to need both.

Amy 

I'm with AmyIsStrong, there is more going on.  He gets along just fine when you have to go out to the store so once you have him settled and know there's no emergency, go into another room, put on headphones and unless he is screaming bloody murder that death is pending (and it may be if he doesn't let up on you), ignore him occasionally and let him come to you.  Then say, 'hey, as long as you're up would you make me a cup of tea, thanks'.  This is just emotional abuse and you don't need it because it is unhealthy. 

Tragic. My wish for you is good enough health to get unchained. Every day counts and to live it under a controlling abuser is a great sorrow.



My dad was like this as is my step dad. My mother gets off on it and revels in the shame it brings and would enjoy the thwarted attempts others made to stop the S&M act. No one bothers anymore as she willingly chose her way of life. She's now 78 and spending precious time being abused.



I hope your situation is unusual and isolated in your life and the decision to break free will be made soon.



No money? That's a real obstacle, but to be tortured for a roof is a terrible price to pay.

I am so so sorry to hear what you are going through.  The thing is....the stress from this is NOTHING to shrug off.  This kind of stress is seriously bad for you.  So much that I think you need to do what you need to do for your survival here and if that means putting an end to this situation then thats what you need to do.  By 'end' I don't necessarliy mean that you should kick him to the curb but you do need to tell him in no uncertain terms how it is going to be from now on.  If he truly needs more help then have him either hire a nurse or get a family member in to help him.  I would also tell him that you will need to split a cleaning lady because you cannot have that entire burden on just you.  Seriously, the harm that this is causing your fragile body right now is not worth it.    I am glad to hear that you are meditating at least and that you have a therapist. 

Well, you know what everyone thinks you should do.  Sometimes, we can let ourselves get in situations which compound themselves until you get to the place where you wonder how the hell you got there.  You've certainly had a lot of other stuff on your mind.

But it bothers you, and that's very good.  There's no reason on Earth you can't tell him exactly what you just told us.  Be straight with him, stop wasting time.  Maybe you both want to be with each other so you're not alone - there are worse things in the world.  Be calm, set rules, and ignore him if he breaks them.

You CAN do this.  

I hear you.  My DH is the same way and he doesn't have a diagnosed medical problem.  He thinks because I'm on disability and "home all day" I should be able to do so much crap around the house.  Um, no.  I'm sick, I'm tired, and I hurt. 

I know he has depression, but he is in deep denial about that, and refuses medication.  I don't really want to leave him, since we have young kids and it's hard enough to get them to bond with him, so they will have a relationship after I pass away.  Also I want to maximize my time with the kids, and if we have separate custody that will limit my time with them.

No advice, just commiseration.  

This may sound cruel, but I learned a long time ago that there are no victims.  Somewhere along the line you set yourself up for this man to take advantage, and now it's time to take your life back.  Many good suggestions have been made that don't need repeating, but unless you want to be miserable for the rest of your life, it is better to create a little heat and chaos now to get things back in balance.  He sounds like a spoiled brat to me.  If his needs are met, then he should be able to entertain himself and you should be able to have your timeout as well.  Life is a series of petty compromises and it's time he learned that.  Stress is the last thing you need right now..make that clear to him.  It is possible to have harmony if both partners hold up their part of the bargain.  

Good that you're going to the therapist...let him/her help you sort this out.