I just don't fit...

Laurie08 · January 2012

This is how I feel. I had DCIS, BMX, TE's and exchange, nips, tattoos- done. Such a lucky girl. My mother had BC, diagnosed stage IV and passed at home. I am was/am so afraid of BC I started mammograms at 30, I had to catch the sneaky bastard and I did. So- why am I waiting for the other shoe to drop? Anything wrong with me I think is cancer, sore throat- cancer- ear ache- cancer. I am just waiting for this disease to come back. I read on active topics and relate to many other threads, because of my mother, because of my fear. But I can't post there, because of my stage.

I need to get past the fear, somehow. How do you do it? Do you feel the same? I look at my children and wonder if I will see them grow. Will the cancer come back? I know my fears have been influenced by my mothers experience, but I can not remove that from my experience with this disease.

I feel I just don't fit. By having DCIS I am considered lucky. But I don't feel lucky ALL the time (sometimes I do). I am still afraid everyday by every lump and bump- waiting for the devil to return. Others seem to move on, I wish I could.

thefuzzylemon · January 2012

Laurie....absolutely I have fears....this is CANCER!! And you have a disturbing and intimate knowledge of what this bastard does...of course your going to have these thoughts and fears.

I'm guessing you want info from a stage v forum. There are some wonderful women there and I would suggest sending a PM.

How do I get through? I love my family, friends, home, and my baby puppy. I find great joy in the people I connect with. I have doctors, therapists and medication to help me everyday. I have these boards to express anything and everything....a true outlet. You have to do what's right for you.

chrissyb · January 2012

Hi Laurie, I am so sorry that you have those fears, but believe me, they are normal and so are you. It takes a whole lot of time to get through this dx and because of your mom, it will make it even harder.

Learning to live with the possible consequences of this disease is very difficult and sometime we need a little helping hand in the form of some councelling. Does where you had your treatment offer this service? it is always better to see someone who deals with this issue as they will understand where you are coming from.

You ask how we do it, well some get passed it and some don't and those that do always have in the back of their minds that the possibility is there for BC to return but the %'s are on their side that it won't and live day to day........just one day at a time. I know you have children and you worry if you are going to be around for them and I understand that but you are denying them you now by not allowing yourself to move forward. One day at a time............live that day to the fullest so that when you go to bed at night you can say to yourself...........I have no regets for today, there are no I wish I had of's. That way, no matter what the future holds for you or your children you can never say 'I regret' and your children have had the very best of you and they could never say 'I wish we.....'

Having DCIS puts you in a far better position that some and your %'s are truly all in your favor so please, for your sake and the sake of your children, let go of the past and all the hurt that is there and look to a long and healthy future with your family...............don't look back only look forward.

If you feel you don't belong on any thread, come and join mine...........the title says 'for older people with more sense' but that just mean older than 21 and more sense than a teenager..........I promise you, we will not bite, frown on you or make you feel left out................it is all about friendship and support. Come and join us.

Love n hugs. Chrissy

Beesie · January 2012

Laurie, you fit just fine! The way you are feeling is exactly how most of us who are past treatment have felt. When you are first diagnosed and then when you are going through your treatments and surgeries, your mind is filled with everything that you are going through and everything that you have to do to keep control of your life.

Suddenly, the surgeries and treatments are over. And that's when it hits. That's when you have time to actually think about everything that's happened. You had breast cancer. It may have been the 'lucky' breast cancer but it was cancer. That's scary. It changes how you look at life. You worry that cancer is around every corner. You worry that every ache and pain is mets. Believe me, I was there! I think most of us have been. And what's surprising and disturbing and concerning is that it doesn't happen when we are going through treatment - it happens afterwards, just when you - and everyone around you - thinks that you are finally done with BC and you should be able to move on. That's when it all hits.

You had your last surgery one year ago. It's perfectly normal to have these types of fears for a year or more. In your case, since your mother passed away from BC, it's completely understandable that you still have these fears.

What helped me was that whenever I would get these types of fears, I would remind myself that how I was feeling and the fears that I was having were normal - that in itself helped ease my fears. I would chuckle at myself for having these fears ("Yup, a perfectly normal headache and here I go thinking it's brain mets again! Geez!") Over time your fears should fade. If you find that your fears haven't start to lessen within the next few months (not disappear but gradually lessen), you may want to see a counsellor who can give you advice on how to get through it. What you are going through and feeling is normal, but there is nothing wrong with getting help to deal with it.

Just take one day at a time.

thefuzzylemon · January 2012

Chrissy...too awesome! You were on my mind when I responded....

Elizabeth1889 · January 2012

Hi Laurie, I, too, worry constantly about the threat of a cancer recurrence. My mother died of lung cancer so even though she did not have breast cancer, I still know how awful cancer can be. The strange thing is that I never worried about a recurrence while I was undergoing active treatment, but now I cannot seem to stop thinking about it. I see a therapist, but it is not helping because she mostly wants to discuss my family relationships. I know I need to find a different therapist. For now, I say to myself every morning that at least I know I have today so make the most of it. That is the best I can do for now.

LWA · January 2012

Hi, Laurie--

Just wanted to say I'm sorry you are dealing with these fears--fear is truly difficult and unpleasant. I've felt similar things, in my case because all of my grandparents died of various cancers, and my mother had cancer last year (she's fine now). It sometimes seems that I must be doomed to die of cancer, too.

I've made my treatment choices (have one decision yet to come, re tamoxifen), and made some lifestyle changes that may or may not help (I quit eating soy, dairy and sugar), and I am thinking in terms of boosting my immune system and enjoying my life as much as I can, moment by moment and day by day.

At night, before I fall asleep, I ask myself, "What did I enjoy or appreciate today?" (this is a little bit different from "What am I grateful for?", though that is also a good question) and just revisit those moments of pleasure or joy.

Fear is yucky! It is normal to feel it in our situations. Best, best wishes to you and hope the anxiety eases over time.

Linda

Laurie08 · January 2012

thank you all so much for your thoughtful posts.It is nice to see others can relate to what I am saying and that there is some level to normal with how I feel. Chrissy, thank you so much for the invite to your thread Also, I do believe that they offer counseling through the breast care center and I have been thinking about doing that. It is hard to get ime away from the kids and have someone watch them so I have been putting it off. I really shouldn't.

I have days where I am fine, and Beesie you nailed it when you described almost talking yourself down. I do that ALL the time! I had an itchy rash on my upper chest and I made myself sick for days thinking maybe the cancer was on my chest wall now. I don't say anything and then finally I showed it to my DH and said what do you think? He said, it's dry in the house, you're always in the house, probably dry skin. So I used aquaphore and yup- all better. This is what I am talking about. Or when I do something fun with the kids I always think, will they remember this? Dumb.

Thank you, thank you ladies.

chrissyb · January 2012

Laurie, my children are all adults and I have grand children, but in conversations they always surprise me with the things they remember and how clear their memories are of different times and events in their lives as they were growing up. Sometimes, they even have to remind me! I would not worry about what your children are remembering, as they are filing away everything they and you do, besides you are going to be around a long time yet to make many more of those memories.

Love n hugs. Chrissy

I just don't fit...

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