Dating Post Mastectomy as A Lesbian

angiehoops
angiehoops Member Posts: 3
edited September 2016 in LGBTQA+ With Breast Cancer

Just checking this out with my lesbian sisters out there.....I have read a lot about dating post mast. and it seems to involve only men stories. But do you all think being a lesbian here makes it a bit easier? After my BC my 8 year relationship ended. Basically things got really serious for a couple of years, then it was like we came out of it not knowing where the other went..That is a big summary!

Anyway, I came out of that feeling really damaged and unworthy. I no longer had my breasts, but implants without the nipple.....still have not gotten that done. I was terrified to date again, and went a year and a half without putting myself out there so to speak.

I have really come into myself again, and feel very happy and confident. My first dating experience was with a girl in her late twenties. I was 42. When it came time that we were going to be intimate, I sort of froze. Her response was beautiful. She told me she had seen a pic of my on facebook with my hair growing back after chemo, and that she found me more attractive after seeing that. Now of course that is not knowing I had a mastectomy, I still had to get that out somehow....and the way things were heating up...FAST! I was sooooo nervous, but she was a God send. She made me feel absoutely beautiful, and helped me overcome my insecurities about my new body! I owe so much to her. We are no longer together, but are very close to this day.

Since then, another year went by, I continued to feel better and better about myself everyday. Lately I have been attracting several women.....feels arrogant to say that, but I attribute it to feeling so good about myself, I am now able to attract those around me. Trust me, I am not an arrogant person, it just feels so good to actually be attracting beautiful women!

I still get nervous when it comes to anything physical, and have only gone there with one other person, but what I am posting about, is that it seems women are more accepting of our bodies post mastectomy than men. I have not had any negative experience with women as of yet. What I am finding is that they tend to feel my apprehension and worry relating to my body, and just want to embrace me fully. I think it is soooo touching, and a fast way to my heart for sure...You gotta love women!

I am currently at the beginning of a relationship with what will be my third run out of the gate since BC. We have been having long phone conversations....she lives in canada...I know, that presents its own set of issues...lol

She knows I had breast cancer, but not much beyond that. I have sort of dropped hints here and there, testing the waters so to speak, and what the hell........she is still talking to me! Now here begins the tough part...When to tell the whole story. We got pretty close to it tonight, and I made mention that I dated a person (the one i mentioned above) that was able to make me feel good about myself again...then my heart jumped in my throat, and I simply said, she helped me so much and I will always love her for that. She began to ask more about it, but I found I just could not go there yet, and told her at another time I may be able to tell her more...She was very sweet and said, Okay, I will not push it for now....Then she said, "I just want to hold you right now and hug you!"

Think she gets it? I kinda got the feeling she knew, but was respecting my limit with it for now.

She is quite a bit younger than me......as for some reason is always the case not that i go looking for that....I don't! But I am learning that age does not mean less acceptance....I guess I was judging thinking that a younger beautiful woman would be less accepting, but just like my first intimate partner after BC I am finding I am wrong to assume that.

Anyways......all this rambling is to say that while being a lesbian in and of itself can be challenging in this life, I think when it comes to BC, it might be a blessing. I only make this judgement based on the stories I have read online about women dating men post mastectomy......

Any thoughts on this theory of mine? Any experiences anyone would like to share that support or do not support what I am talking about.

To all of you.......you are simply fantastic, beautiful women. Embrace yourself and the world will follow!

xoxox

· Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Comments

  • sftfemme65
    sftfemme65 Member Posts: 790
    edited July 2010

    I think its amazing that you have been able to find such incredible women.  Its hard to be singe out there, at least I think so but your story gives me hope.

    Thanks

    Teresa

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • cancersucks
    cancersucks Member Posts: 156
    edited July 2010

    Well, I think women are more accepting than men in general. I think it really is that simple. Many women are more concerned what their DH thinks about the new reconstruction than themsleves? Maybe I'm missing something? I'm more concerned about the cancer returning rather than if my foobs are supple enough for my DH, okay if I had a DH, but I'm gay so there will never be a DH :)

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • angiehoops
    angiehoops Member Posts: 3
    edited July 2010

    Please excuse my ignorance, but what does DH stand for? I agree, none of us wants to have our cancer return, but I try not to live in the fearful space and take each day as a beautiful one and go from there. I do wish I was fully confident with my reconstruction and am not sure I will ever get to the place where I am 100% secure with the way they look, and I am probably not alone in this, but I do miss the sensation that is now no longer there.

    Teresa, I know you will find a lovely woman to journey with......

    I am curious what the percentage of women with partners lost them after dealing with all the processes that one must go thru with cancer, surgeries, our fears, etc. It seems like I read somewhere that it is pretty high. In my case, she stayed with me during it all, we bought a home together, then when I was pretty much out of the woods, she said goodbye. But do have hope Teresa that your best days are not behind you, but ahead of you! All we can control is how we choose to perceive our world.....It is what it is, but how we perceive it can hurt or heal! Whenever I start to feel sadness, I simply do my best to switch my perception, because it is a perception that caused me the hurt to start with.......with practice, you will find you can shift it pretty quickly and be smiling again!

    Best of luck to all of you......you are beautiful women

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • MADaboutHer
    MADaboutHer Member Posts: 1
    edited January 2011

    Joined BreastCancer.org just to post this reply:

    I met the Love of My Life four years after her double mastectomy (and I was straight!).  She is the most beautiful woman I know; her smile takes my breath away.  May you have the same good fortune!

    Sign me,

    MADaboutHer

        

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • stillhere663
    stillhere663 Member Posts: 22
    edited January 2012

    I actually consider myself lucky. My partner dropped me Pre-mastectomy. She couldn't handle that her very pretty girlfriend would be less than perfect in in the looks department. The comments on this blog give me hope. I have a long way to go still, just on my second chemo and just lost all of my hair.

     Too bad she doesn't understand inner beauty!

    Heartbroke but hopeful!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • anonymice
    anonymice Member Posts: 532
    edited January 2012

    I'm so sorry that happened, stillhere, and at such a difficult time for you, but I do absolutely think that women are generally genuinely less superficial than men.  Of course there are many good men, and there are many lousy women, but my boyfriend had more than one friend tell him things to the effect of "wow, it's great of you to stay with her anyway".  And I had a male 'friend' tell me essentially that I was lucky I still had a boyfriend.  Nimrod.  (Both of these people are pretty much perrenially single, too.  Not hard to figure that one out.)  Never heard any similar nonsense from any women.

    You sound very strong and positive, and that is unquestionably beautiful.  

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • stillhere663
    stillhere663 Member Posts: 22
    edited January 2012

    Thank you for the response. I believe that these insensitive acts are not limited to a specific gender, rather a character set. Some people run toward a burning house...others run away.

    I am three treatments in and kind of in the "what now" stage. It is just a little tough to remember that I am beautiful. I suppose all of us go through this because on some level we are vain in our own way.

    I remain hopeful that I will find the right gal. I really want to love someone like that again.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • browneyes64
    browneyes64 Member Posts: 1
    edited January 2012

    Hello stillhere663

    You will find the right gal because she will SEE all the amazing and beautiful things about you. Beauty starts from within..there are so many people who only tend to look on the outside. I work with women who have cancer everyday and I see the pain, the insecurity, the I'm not worthy or beautiful look, but what I emphasize to these women is to remember who you are..What's on the inside...because that beautiful light comes bursting through...I am a lesbian woman who lost my partner 2 years ago, dbl mastectomy and her beauty radiated thru her smile, her laugh, her eyes.

    you have people who care and love you. Remain positive, and remember to SEE ALL of who you are. If you ever want to connect pls feel free to contact me.

    (Edited by BCO moderator to remove member's personal email address. We strongly recommend that members only post personal information using Private Message to others they know and trust.)

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • stillhere663
    stillhere663 Member Posts: 22
    edited January 2012

    Thank you so much for your reply. Your partner was very lucky to have had you and I am truly sorry for your loss.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • living4myson
    living4myson Member Posts: 2
    edited March 2012

    I loved your message to us all.  I'm so afraid of dating right now because I feel the same way as you did in the beginning.  I just had a double mastectomy on Feb 9th, 2012.  I've been single before this all happened for 10 month.  As I'm going through the reconstruction I find myself asking how am I going to start dating and who will understand and want me.  How do I bring it up when that right person comes along in my life.  I'm not sure what to do.  I have a 10 year old son and right now he keeps me going.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • dolphinspirit67
    dolphinspirit67 Member Posts: 2
    edited March 2012

     Any other lesbians going it completely alone??

     I just started my treatment with a Double mastectomy and all lymph nodes removed from the left and soon to be done on the right. dating seems like it will be an impossible thing or better extreamly difficult thing to do. I am going through this alone completely any other lesbians going it completely alone??

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • stillhere663
    stillhere663 Member Posts: 22
    edited March 2012

    My partner hit the road on me. I do have an estranged husband who has been a great friend and life saver. I guess that rules out alone, but as far as a partner that I want and can be there for me ...none here. It really smacks you in the face doesn't it. I think all the time about who will ever understand and want me.

    SH

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • elmarie
    elmarie Member Posts: 5
    edited April 2012

    You're unfortunately not the only lesbian doing it alone (for now?)- There are surely more of us on the other side of Mother Earth. Keep up your beautiful smile and see what happens next... 

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • mutt1963
    mutt1963 Member Posts: 101
    edited April 2012

    Dolphinspirit, been there and still doing that. Its tough, more tough mentally than it is physically. I had a BMX with some nodes removed from both sides in June of 2011, had a family member stay with me for 2 weeks then just me and the 2 dogs through 5 1/2 months of chemo and 6 weeks of radiation. No reconstruction. I haven't really had time to think about much other than treatment choices, ways around chemo brain and when the next doctors appointment is. Feel free to PM me at any time but right now I got nothing on dating. Ended a 10 year relationship 9 months before diagnosis.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • jingie
    jingie Member Posts: 1
    edited July 2012

    Hola Dolphin/Michelle

    Hope you are well.

    Ive just joined this forum and saw ur post (and many others). I too am going at this alone.

    My spouse of 5 years says she no longer feels intimacy and passion cuz of our unforseen sexless relationship and is choosing to bail. It is what it is rt.now and UNFORTUNATELY ....she is sooo fricken selfish...So im glad I found this page.

    Take care ...keep moving foward...It would be nice to chat sometime....peace out!

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • jenco60
    jenco60 Member Posts: 29
    edited September 2016

    Hi Sister,

    I am post Lumpectomy, still getting radiation 30 treatments to go, on Herceptin and I have no hair. I am a single hard working Lesbian. I work full time as a College Professor and it is TOUGH meeting anyone out there that has been through cancer treatment and wants to hang out.

    I think we need a group created for Lesbians with Cancer and help each other out. I get very lonely and wish I had someone to go to a movie or out to dinner that did not mind me wearing a hat. I get tired of men calling me sir. I just want to get through the treatments and get my life back.


    I feel your pain sister.


    Jen

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter
  • magiclight
    magiclight Member Posts: 8,690
    edited March 2017

    It is so sad to hear each of your stories and even though I am probably much older than all of you I feel for the levels of heartache and loneliness of having this disease and the treatments that usually follow with their side effects. Does being a lesbian make this more difficult? I think that the emotional pain of being left behind because of having BC and mastectomy (ies) does not differ essentially whether or not one is a lesbian. Having said that, I do think that some of the emotional baggage of living in a homophobic society may play into overall psychic sense of being less than normal and then add to that the loss of breasts in this culture and one sure gets a double whammy of not being loveable. Yes, we are fantastic, beautiful, wholly women and we need to engage our inner dialogue along those lines whenever we feel less than...

    I do not have a partner at this time and it has nothing to do with my mastectomies. The last 2 years since dx and treatment I've been reticent to 'get out there' due to lingering pain from surgery. This site and the other thread here "I know I can't be the only lesbian out there' have been helpful, though not very active. Maybe this thread may engage lesbians in conversations and perhaps even some local meet up groups.

    · Share on FacebookShare on Twitter

Categories