Why is it so hard for some to accept a choice not to recon?

Barbiecorn-The wait for my BMX surgery seemed like forever. When I was tranferred to my hospital room after surgery, I started to cry. The nurse tried to be supportive-but just didn't get it. I was crying because it was finally OVER! Not that I missed my breasts & yes I could do recon blah blah blah.... It was my scariest surgery so far, but no regrets.

You know what, on the opposite end is the doctor or other medical professionals who think a bilateral mastectomy for one small tumor is overkill.  "Why would you want to rip off both breasts when all you have is one small lump.  Try a lumpectomy".  uh,....I'm not attached to my breasts.  I had 4 kids, they served their purpose.  Take 'em off.  I'm okay with it, really.

Now, I chose recon, but that's me.  I totally respect those who choose not to have recon.  No one has a right to question your decision.

For anyone worried about dressing so that the lack of cleavage isnt noticeable. There are some gorgeous bra's available to fit our prosthetics which look like a camisole up top. I wear one when Im dressing up for an occasion or when I have a lower cut shirt to wear and am worried about gaping. I havent gone swimming in the 3 years since my umx but i dont see why I couldnt fit the aqua prosthetic into a camisole bra and then don a swimsuit. Im sure I'd look just like any other 45 year old at the pool or beach.

Cats: I have wondered many times before if you are onto something - that if you don't recon, that they don't care or dare I say or even think they feel the need to punish???

There can be no excuse for the horrific mess that some women are left with.  Not me, I was lucky  - except for the center dog ears, mine may be very long but are otherwise about as perfect as I could ask for.  Maybe they think they can force you into recon if they leave a big enough mess??? 

Cats:  I have a suggestion, may be worthless, but at least a thought.  When I had my center Mutant dog ears removed, there was initially some bump left.  The PS had me wear a silicone pad that was about 1/4" thick along with compression bandaging. Notice the pad is much thicker than what you normally see with silicone scar bandages.  It actually reminded me of memory foam.  I expect you would have to get one from a surgeon, probably a PS.  It really improved the appearance of the scars, even my old ones from the original BMX, and best of all flattened it all right out.  I was told I would wear it at least 6 weeks.  Mine only required 7 weeks.  Won't help the length or placement but could make a dramatic difference in the bumpiness.  I was really amazed at mine.  And if it were me I would go to a PS and not the BS.  Again just a thought.

Barbara

I will agree the comments people throw at you are outrageous.  From people you think you know well too!  I had my BMX 2 weeks ago, and while I don't think I was prepared for what it looked like after and did go through the feeling sad, feeling like my chest looked like a lumpy alien potato field, I would not have changed a thing. 

hello all, I did opt for reconstruction for I thought it would be right cause I was in the process of getting married, making wedding plans, but to my surprise my body rejected the foreign object(expander) and it hardened and had to be removed because of high fever and infection, I have worneda prothesis since and am so pleased with it and wish I had never went for the reconstruc after all. God Bless us ALL.   msphil(idc,stage 2, L mast, chemo rads and 5 yrs on Tamoxifen and (Praise the LORD) 18 yrs cancer free.

My BS did not pressure me one way or another. My 2  diagonal BMX scars look about as good as one could expect. They barely extend into my armpits & aren't quite symetrical but close. Oh.....the swimsuit thing. I swim laps & sometimes do a masters workout. I wear a competitive style suit( it's made by Nike). Couldn't look flatter, but these suits are actually more comfotable without breasts. I have to say that during these workouts, BC never enters my mind. Nobody notices either. I haven't reallly looked into foobs except to once visit a website that had mastectomy bras & I couldn't see myself wearing one. 

I had my bilateral mastectomies done in two stages; and that has led to a rather interesting situation.

My general surgeon is a female, probably in her mid forties, who does a lot of breast surgery. I was very up front right from the start about not wanting reconstruction but I think that she thought that I would likely to change my mind down the road. She did skin sparing surgery on the right side and I was left with a dog ear in the centre of my chest and rather loose folds of skin. I think of it as my bassett hound side.

I subsequently developed a seroma and had to see her frequently for aspiration. Over the course of those visits she got to know me better, and realized that I really did NOT plan to reconstruct. When I had the left "prophylactic" mastectomy two months later she really did a nice tight job - no dog ears, no folds of skin, nice flat incision. It's really what I wanted the first time.

Once again I'm dealing with a seroma so my visits with her have turned into a regular thing and we've really come to like one another. She brought up the option of scar revision herself and spontaneously apologized for the appearance of my right side. 

What I've come to realize is that surgeons (at least general surgeons) really don't get to know their patients all that well in the normal course of things. It's not that common for them to see their patients regularly over a period of time. They usually do their part of the job and hand you over to the oncology group to carry on with treatment ASAP. Add to that the fact that you're in huge emotional turmoil at the time you first meet them and it becomes more understandable that they find it hard to take your personal measure with any accuracy.

I think that I've really been a positive learning experience for her.

As for scar revision, I'm not decided yet. Cosmetics aren't a priority at this point and I'm not sure they'll ever become enough of one for me to consider surgery again.

Crystal:  It is one thing if your doctor and family are just making sure you have all the facts to consider or to let you know that it is not necessary for you to recon for them to love you.  I have seen it said of a number of husbands that they really would have preferred their wives didn't incur all the risks and pain of reconstruction but were fully prepared to support the final decision whatever it turned out to be. 

You are absolutely right, at the end of the day, this is for you to weigh all your options and medical considerations and then make the decision you believe in your heart is best for you.  I would hope your family will support you in that decision no matter what it turns out to be.  I know I do.

Barbara

I am agonizing over the recon decision. All roads point to no recon, but then something whispers in my ear late at night when I am tired and says "Don't you think this is a little extreme - you don't have cancer" and in the morning I tell the voice, "Yeah I don't have it YET!  THATS THE POINT! "

I meet with the PS and BS next week, and then we should be off to the races. I figure I can always do recon later if I am woefully unhappy and can't move on. My main concern right now is having good looking scars!

Why is is hard for people to accept a choice not to reconstruct?

Because the west is obsessed with breasts. They have been fetishized to the point of madness. Healthy, beautiful young women are having their breasts slashed open and implants sewn in them in pursuit of someone' s idea of "beauty". It is totally screwed up.

My bilateral mx is beginning to feel more and more like a political statement. I refuse to be bullied into doing what this silly, appearance-obsessed society thinks I should.

I totally respect the decision of those who have opted for no reconstruction. It's a very personal decision and one that only you can make. Uni MX makes it a bit more complicated because it's uneven. Some uni's don't mind being uneven or wearing a prosthesis. It wasn't my cup of tea….the prosthesis really annoyed me... and I eventually opted for TEs/implants….but that's just my situation.

CLC - the decisions are all yours. If you don't have a Dr. that supports your decision, you should change Drs. 

For some of us symmetry is an overriding concern.  Once the decision is made to take one for some of us, it is no brainer to insist on taking both.  The Uni option in my mind was totally off the table.  It is why only we can make these decisions and not have them made for us no matter how well meaning.

Barbara

Greenfrog --- standing applause!!  It really is about free right to choose.......