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nevertoolate
nevertoolate Member Posts: 9
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I have Stage IV w/mets. I own an run down/low cost condo, with a mortgage, and have lived with my SO for 13 years. I am able to work full time but my onc and my MS are warning me that my doing well for 2 yrs. may start going downhill once the cancers get used to the treatments.

My SO is in denial about my condition. He was a heavy drinker, slowed down for a while, and now he's at it again. I do all the cleaning and managing of the apt.; however, he does help weekly with expenses. He's obnoxious when he drinks and gets testy.

I am seeing a therapist so that I can talk to someone. I think it's time for  me to sell the condo and  move to a smaller, easily accessible, rental apartment so I can quit my job - and it will be time for SO to go.  I haven't told him yet because I know he won't go easily. He thinks after all these years of paying weekly (which has included rent, food(!), electrical, computer, etc., he is entitled to have the place when I die. I left it to  my kids in my will (he doesn't know). But now I will need the money to move and live and probably, at some time in the future, to pay for nursing home expenses.

How should I tell him? The fact is that he needs me more than I need him. I know a realtor who will come over and assess the property and help me find a rental.

I guess I don't need you guys to advise me so much as I need support that I am doing the right thing. SO and I had great times together and he's wonderful when he's sober, When I go through with this, I will be living alone and that's what I probably need because I have already come to terms with my death. Right now, I'm doing so well that it doesn't seem possible.

Thanks for reading this

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  • changes
    changes Member Posts: 622
    edited January 2012

    nevertoolate,

    You have every right to sell the condo, even if he doesn't like it. You have to take care of yourself. I don't have any words of advice on how to approach him about it, but I wanted to respond so this post gets bumped up.

    Hugs,

    Karen

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  • changes
    changes Member Posts: 622
    edited January 2012

    By the way - you might want to post on the stage IV forums - you'll probably get more responses there.

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  • Chickadee
    Chickadee Member Posts: 4,467
    edited January 2012

    Are your kids nearby? I would want them standing behind me. You might also look into the possibility of a counselor or social worker who is ready to counsel him on his options. Is he in AA? Does he have a sponsor who could be called?



    This situation can also become volatile quickly so tread carefully and be ready to leave if your safety comes into question. Have a backup plan and if necessary after he has been told, always have someone with you in his presence.

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  • pminxy
    pminxy Member Posts: 44
    edited January 2012

    Dear nevertolate I agree with the others here you are doing the right thing and you do need to do what is right for you; your SO may be in denial or knows your right and is to scared to admit it; but no matter what this person needs you more then you need them and I sadily have to agree with your doctors as I am in the same boat except it has only been a year and I know they are right as the pain gets worse and I get more limited ;luckily hopefully I may be able to stay in my little house with help! I am at peace with things to; but you sound like a nice person you may be surprised if you manage a good move it won't take long for you to find new friends/they find you! It is hard to seeming to be doing well and people possibly saying to you gee you look the best you have in years and stuff and you knowing the truth finding it makes things a bit harder. Keep your chin up for the people on this site are great and like them I will do anything I can to help you keep a smile on or make it easier as much as I can.

    You will be surprised at your inner strength dear one and remember when you move into your new home you may be alone feel alone till you get to know people it's baby steps one at a time and I am sure sooner then you expect you will be possibly sharing a cuppa with a neighbour or new friend! I must go as I need to rest but take care and all the best of luck to you and may you find a smaller place to suit you and peace to be yourself and enjoy just being

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  • kcshreve
    kcshreve Member Posts: 1,148
    edited January 2012

    You make perfect sense in your gut feeling of needing to simplify.  I think we know in our core what we need to do.  Please, consider your steps carefully so as to keep yourself safe.  You probably know best what your SO may do when he over drinks and become obnxious, as well as angry and whatever else he may feel.

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  • LotsofFaith
    LotsofFaith Member Posts: 13
    edited January 2012

    Do what is best for you and your children. It won't be easy to tell him. I pray that God gives you all that you need to get thru this.

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  • lovinmomma
    lovinmomma Member Posts: 1,879
    edited January 2012

    I think you are doing the right thing. Praying that you can take the necessary steps.

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  • nevertoolate
    nevertoolate Member Posts: 9
    edited January 2012

    Your responses are very encouraging. I am seeing my therapist on Thursday and we will discuss what we need to go over when SO joins our session next week.

    I came home for lunch yesterday.  He had been home sick, but he was drinking.  I put my foot down and exploded, really exploded!  When I came home after work, he was still suffering from the effects of alcohol, but he acted very differently to me including this morning when he woke up sober.

    My kids are very supportive of me. I'm not going to tell them my plans until I know exactly what I'm doing - otherwise they'll overreact, and I couldn't handle that right now.

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  • pminxy
    pminxy Member Posts: 44
    edited January 2012

    I am proud of you nevertolate, it sounds like you are starting on the road to where you need to be for you and a good explosion never hurt anyone for a good vent helps you let of steam/ pressure and hopefully it made your SO see you have had enough but you never know with people under So's condition. So please take care and be careful! Not telling the kids until you have a plan and know where your going and it is right for you is another step in the right direction for you; I know what you mean re kids over reacting and it really puts pressure on you when they do for it makes you feel like a naughty kid and feel like bowing to their blast of concerns so keeping your thoughts hidden until you are ready to move on them is a really good plan-though most of all be gentle on yourself and kind to yourself to for you need that more then anything as well, how ever you go good luck and I will check in on you in a couple of days-be as good as you can for you .

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited January 2012

    Well, what I like is how you are putting yourself first.  You are being proactive.  You are not behaving like you are a victim, or like you need to "put up with" your SO.  You are ready to make changes and it sounds like you have the courage it takes to carry thru with your choices.  I'm sure your children will be glad that you want to make things more simple in your life so you have less stress, worries, and things could be easier on you.

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