Help me be a more supportive husband

The hardest is to really understand that you can not fix this. It frustrated my DH beyond imagination. There is a song on You tube by Martina McBride, "I'm Gonna Love You Though It". (at a quiet moment, when she feels like talking, you could possibly sit and hold her and play her the song) My DH told me this everyday, several times a day. Let her rant, cry, sleep, let her be sad - and let her know that you are there to stick through it all. It is REALLY difficult to be the one who is watching their loved one. My DH told me early on that "WE" had cancer - together, we would face it.



It is hard to do, because you are also hurting - bad, real bad! Do not make it about you, when you are with her and her sisters. Right now it is about her. You do need to find your own support, check at the cancer center for a group and of course right here on BCO is a good place for this. The best you can give her is an understanding that she is safe with you. You are there to stay, you are gonna love her through these tough and very scary times.

you sound like a great husband.  You're the closest person in the world to her so she's more likely to be completely honest with you, and she is going through one of the very hardest parts of this journey.  She has recently lost her hair, feels like crap,  the end seems like a long time away, etc.  My husband is a wonderful support, but the worst time for us was when he was trying to get me to be positive when I was feeling terrified, sad, etc.   I finally had to tell him that I was going to throw him out if he told me one more time to stay positive .   So we learned....he just went with me through my feelings.  felt positive with me when I felt positive, felt sad with me when I felt sad.  Unfortunately you can't fix this.  Just validate/support her however she is feeling.  You'll come out the other side.  Chemo is temporary, keep moving forward. 

lakerrick - I'm in Westerville Ohio too.  I private message'd you.  let me know if I can do anything to help your wife.

Lakerrick

Sending you everything it takes to survive this most intimate cancer... it affects you both together.

Try not to run away. Be present mentally/ emotionally/ physically/ spiritually. Take it one breathe at a time... and Pray. Pray alot to be the Man she needs you to be, to be a Good Father and for the Strength you need to heal yourself.....so you can help her heal and your kids.

Take care of You. Don't hide. Feel everything. Cry with her. Go thru it together.

Blessings to all of you.

I am going to agree and support what bcisnofun said - your wife needs validation.  She needs to know that when she is angry it is ok, when she is sad it is ok.  Whatever her feelings are - she needs validation that what she is feeling is normal.

I got really angry with my dh at the beginning of my chemo treatments.  He kept telling me that everything was ok, I was going to get through it, etc.  It appeared as though what I was going through was no big deal to him.  I was so scared!  I thought he didn't care enough or truly understand my fears of a recurrence, etc. and wasn't taking my cancer seriously enough.

I had to sit down and talk to him and what I found out was that he was so scared but felt that he needed to come across as strong for ME.  He was also scared and when he told me that then I knew he took my cancer dx as being something to be concerned with.  It was odd but I felt so much better when he finally admitted that he was scared as chit.

The day I got the dreaded phone call - what I didn't know at the time was that he was up until 3 am chatting with other women on the internet asking what he needed to do to help me cope with this.  That was one of the most loving things he did for me - he was so concerned that he reached out to others for advice and that is not his personality at all - he is extremely private.

As others mentioned - counseling is always a good thing both for you and for your wife.  Also coming here to BCO will be helpful for you to understand the emotions that we go through.

Oh, women, when they get sick, they cry and whail and talk about misery as though they were relations.  That's me.  And she was only agreeing with her sisters becuz she was showing appreciation for their visit.  Don't take anything of this personal.  Pretty soon, and I was just at the time your wife is, in the midst of the second chemo, that I was ready to quit the program!  Yup, up and met with the doc and his nurse and another lady at the cancer clinic, and they decided I needed better pain control.  I had never even thought of that.  It made all the difference.  See, the treatments are PAINFUL.  If she is complaining of pain, you could suggest she tell the doc, maybe he'll give her some pain pills.

If you think of your wife as this little hurt puppy, it will be much easier for you to do exactly the right things, like bringing her an extra blanket or some milk.  Just you being nearby is important.  And if you try to move the puppy and she cries out, then you just stroke his head until he falls back asleep.  Don't BOTHER the pup, only gently console, sit near her as she looks at you with those big sweet eyes.  Do for your wife what you would do for a pup with an injured paw, put it up on a little pillow.  Don't tell the pup about the NFL... talk to a pup about puppy stuff, softly and in her language.   

I did NOT know my husband was in any pain or under any stress, he's quiet like you, until one day I said something about being afraid I might die, and he carefully and quickly wiped away a tear so I wouldn't see, but I SAW.  I never really understood where he was at until then.  It's like women can't be told anything; they have to SEE it.  So, bring her some flowers, YOU put them in a vase with water, trim them off so they won't fall over, put them where she can see them, with a papertowel underneath so it won't drip.  Buy her a little gift now and then, an inexpensive but sparkly bracelet, some cheap perfume, sandlewood soaps!  My brother sent me inexpensive gifts, it was the thought that meant a lot.  I STILL keep a bar of that soap near where I lay around and it's been almost a year ago. 

Let her lay and wallow and cry all she wants, she is NOT to worry about the stoopid house.  You do the stuff she used to do, not ALL of it, some of it will have to wait, but there's SO much to do with the kids, keeping the kitchen and meals straight, going to the grocery store (fun, fun, fun), and of course listening.  We watched more matinee and evening TV movies together than we had in a long, long time, been together 30 years and we sort of "live" a lot of our lives in other places, so it was mighty fine to reconnect that way.

I still remember the littlest thing, I wasn't hungry, altho he would fix a big pot of noodles mixed with goodies that would last a couple days, so I could scoop up a bowl from the frig and heat it up in the microwave.  Anyway, husband said one day as he was getting his TV dinner out of the oven (poor guy, I was useless), so he goes, "Would you like a french fry?"  I sat there for a second, and by golly I wanted that french fry worse that anything!  So, he put a few on a plate, brought it to me and my fav stuff to put on them, and I just thought that was the sweetest thing, becuz they don't put many of those fries in those dinners, the sacrifice of such a little thing meant so much.  Tell your wife if she would please ask for a drink from the kitchen or whatever, whenever she needs anything, you will be glad to do it.  I loved being served. 

Also, you know what, husband went thru cancer 20 years ago, and I was unbelievably busy taking care of not only the usual work and house routine, but also coming and going to see him at the VA hospital, and on it went, for weeks, I was absolutely exhausted.  But he knew nothing of this, nor did I want him to know, really.  I can remember my feelings being briefly hurt a time or two when he would yell at me, under the power of drugs, but I overlooked it quickly, forgot all about it.  All this will be a distant memory one day.  I barely remember my chemo days, other than I fear it. 

She may not want to be held because she is in pain.  So, me, I used to ask for a hand-hug.  Smile.  Sometimes I'd ask him to rub my shoulders for me, and no sooner would he start, then I'd be all fuming and awful.  I was a basket case.  Most women like to have their hair brushed, so he'd try to do that and pull a few hairs, and I'd burst into tears.  Nothing would console me.  Sometimes I DID want to be alone, other times I appreciated so much him sitting with me, which you say you do, and I think that's great.  Often I would not shower until I knew husband was up, I was afraid I would fall.  So, she might like you to draw her a bubble bath with a few candles, I don't know, you'll have to ask. 

One thing that occurs to me, with four kids around, could be you can arrange for the sisters to take those kids over for a weekend with their aunties now and then, just so your wife can have peace and quiet.  And let those youngsters know their mom is sick right now, so  they should try not to make too much noise for a while.  Feel free to ask the kids to help YOU with cleaning up the kitchen.  If your wife doesn't want to get up to the table and eat, one of them should bring her a small plate of food, sit with her to eat.  It doesn't all have to be about you helping, they have to jump in also.

Don't try to say anything. Wait for her and listen. 

Be practical. Don't wait for her to ask you to empty the dishwasher or whatever, just do it, or organize the kids to do the chores and make sure they are done.

Tell her you love her.

Tell her she is beautiful.

They always say men are simple and women complicated. We are really not. We just want love and understanding like everyone else.