Addicts in Recovery

macatacmv · January 2012

Hello All,

I was wondering if any of ya'll are working a 12 step recovery program? I am having a hard time grasping the concept of putting chemicals in my body on a daily basis after working so hard at staying clean.

I was diagnosed on Dec 8th, Dec 19th I celebrated 25 years clean, then Dec 22nd my body was pumped full of chemicals to get through the lump/snb. They got clean margins and there is no node involvement, but I am waiting for my post op meeting with BS and to meet my MO. They can't fit me in until the 23rd. So not even sure of my treatment proposal. My BS has mentioned a pill I will need to take and rads.

I have had two close family members with this disease. I watched my sister struggle through her treatment years ago, and finally succumb after a 15 year battle. So they want to do the BRCA test, which I have put off for years so I could just live life.

Anyway I was hoping I could find some experience, strength and hope that you would be willing to share.

Nancy

gonegirl · January 2012

Nancy, I'm 2 1/2 years sober in AA. I don't see the chemo chemicals the same as mood altering drugs. Frankly, who would want to use chemo drugs to change your mood. :-)

My main thing has been alcohol so haven't had a thing for drugs myself. But still I need to watchful. I have a perscription for Xanax that I use with the help of my sponsor (I tell her when I take a Xanax).

Look at the chemo as chemicals that will save your life. That's what I've been told.

macatacmv · January 2012

gritgirl, thanks so much for responding. I was thinking that there were no other recovering people on this site. I am grateful that I have a built in support system with my NA groups.

I am not so worried about the chemo which I might not even need at this time. It is the pain killers and the anti depressants , then the pill they are saying I will need to take for the next 5 years. I just know for me anything I put into my body will change the way I feel.

I have a really bad cold right now and am on antibiotics. It has nothing to do with the surgery I had 3 weeks ago but again I can't work and don't like the way I feel.

The waiting is driving me crazy.

gonegirl · January 2012

anti depressants aren't mood altering. they just allow your brain to use the serotonin we need to stay even (ie, not so depressed you want to kill yourself). i understand your concern about the pain killers. pills weren't my thing, but i'm going to work with my sponsor to manage my use of pain killers. i've read that managing the pain is a big part of healing. the more pain you feel, the longer it takes to heal. so i do plan on using the pain killers to manage the pain and then will titrate off with the help of my doctors once the time comes. the long term drug you'll be taking, is that a pain killer too?

thatsvanity · January 2012

I've been in AA since 1993 actively for about 15 years, and I believe that AA in NYC the big AA hub where they state their traditions, posted that AA does not trump what a doctor believes is a correct path of treatment or medications that a patient requires. So I would listen to your doctor.

thatsvanity · January 2012

I've seen people go off medications because their sponsor told them too, and it had deadly results. I think AA and medical treatment should remain separate.

thatsvanity · January 2012

Remember AA was founded in the middle of the 1930's I don't think dr. Bob and Bill Wilson would want AA members to suffer in the midst of a health related issue, because of a what a particular group of AA people believe is right or wrong. It just isn't common sense.

macatacmv · January 2012

I hope you don't think I was implying someone should not take a certain medication that their doctor prescribed. That was not my intent. We are all different and our diseases and our treatments are all different.

I am a drug addict in recovery and the idea that I will be taking a bunch of drugs is scary for me. I would rather my life not be controlled by drugs. Maybe what I need to do is change my perception of drugs to medicine. I have been following the recommendations of my doctor and my sponsor supports me in this.

The title of this forum is Help Me Get Through Treatment, I thought there might be some women with more experience in this issue that would have some insight. I am brand new to BC and am not sure what is ahead for me.

thatsvanity · January 2012

I'm sorry, I guess I read it wrong, it sounds like you have a strong program and sponsor. There might be thread on her dedicated to addicts with BC I'll check again I'm sorry I misunderstood.

thatsvanity · January 2012

Hi again,,

Under the supports and community thread there you could start a new topic---maybe, the mods are very helpful too.

Amy Lynn

macatacmv · January 2012

I had pmed the mods before I started this topic, this was their suggestion. Maybe I am not expressing myself clearly.

gonegirl · January 2012

Macata, you're fine. As a drug addict, I can see your concerns. In my mind, there are mood altering drugs and treatment drugs. People certainly have relapsed due to exposure to pain killers, yet managing pain is key to healing. Like you I'm going to do as my doctors recommed and work with my sponsor to make sure I don't begin abusing the pain killers. All of the chemicals and drugs we will be dealing with are going to help us live.

I read a wonderful book called Path Back to Healing where the author talks about viewing the chemist, meds, and other procedures as healing things rather than harming things. We're all going to be ok.

twistedsteel · January 2012

23 years sober last week.

This disease sucks... Bc I mean.

I take every drug they offer to relieve my suffering.

I have 6 various things for nausea.

I have something for sleep/anxiety. I am not an anxious person at all.

I have 2 things for diarrhea, and 1 for constipation.

I have antideppressant.

I have 2 kinds of skin numbing cream, one for port and one for horrid burns from radiation.

I have antibiotic cream for rads burns.

I have had 3 chemo drugs and up to 4 premeds before chemo infused.

I will be taking another chemo after I am healed from rads.

I had an OnQue ball of numbing stuff under my incision skin for a few days after my MX.

I took Tylenol for pain after MX, but used my oxycodone from MX when I hurt my back coughing from the flu.

This BC journey, if you go with allopathic medicine is all about pills, chemicals, drugs and side effect management.

But I have not had a cocktail for 8408 days for which I am eternally grateful.

My motto is... (fill in the blank) is better than death. Like super burned skin from rads is better than death. Chemo that makes me stare blankly at the wall all day for days on end is better than death. Losing a breast and a chunk of armpit is better than death.

I gotta look at things like that during this year of hell bc it's all better than death.

bak94 · January 2012

Nancy, congrats on being 25 years clean, sounds like you have been through so much. Is it the physical act of taking pills that you are afraid will trigger you to want other drugs, or are you worried about being addicted to the new drugs?Or that the stress of the situation will lead you back to drugs? I haven't had an addiction problem in the past, but do worry about becoming addicted to pain pills and the ativan. I hope you fine the support you are looking for. Sorry if I shouldn't have posted here because of my lack of experience, but my heart goes out to you.

macatacmv · January 2012

I am looking for any kind of encouragement and connection. I have gotten through many trying times while in recovery without using, but this scares the heck out of me.

twistedsteel:I admire all the woman who are fighting so hard to live by putting their bodies through all these treatments that are so painful. I was with my sister as she fought her battle. I know you need all the help you can get to just get through a day.To live is better than death!

I have worked hard at facing my fears and feeling my feelings for years, but this puts my program to the test, big time. I took an ativan on the day of my lump/SNB and I really liked it. Some doctor, as they passed me in the hall sitting in my wheelchair waiting for transport after the wire insertion, said she was so sorry I was having such a long day. I told her I didn't care, they gave me a pill that took my cares away.

I am concerned about it all. Taking pills everyday, putting my whole focus on my health and how I am feeling, SEs that make me feel like crap. And I haven't even started treatment yet. I want to shut my brain off. And my pcp is offering to write a script that would help me do just that.

Cowgirl13 · January 2012

Macatacmv, I'm so gad you posted. I'm 27 years clean and sober. I was diagnosed in May of 2009, had surgery, chemo, rads and am on Arimidex. First thing, take it one day at a time. Stay in today. Something that helped me tremendously when I was diagnosed was the words "until we let go of our old ideas, the result was nil". I had to let go in order to let my Higher Power help me. My way would never have worked for me--I had to work my program around it. And I was really helped by a woman in my home meeting who had gone thru cancer 2 years before me.

It is very important that you not be in pain--pain slows down the healing process, it hurts, and its one kind of stress you can control--you don't need anymore stress right now. My onc prescribed Ativan for me to help with sleep around chemo time--I was horrified--benzo's were my choice of drug. But I did what I had been told years ago and told my onc not to prescribe full bottles for me. I took what I needed for the 5 days. For the next chemo it was refilled. Sounds like you have a good sponsor. Also, don't be afraid of antidepressants--depression is a relapse factor. They are not addicting.

I'm coming up on about 3 years from diagnsis. I would never have believed all the help and kindness that came my way going thru treatment. I'm sure it helped tremendously because i "let go absolutely" there was help everywhere. This is not a concept someone who is not in recovery could fathom but I know you know what I mean. Blessings. and peace and serenity.

Liz

macatacmv · January 2012

Thanks Cowgirl13, I am struggling with letting go and having trust that I will be taken care of. I am becoming obsessive. I have missed my last two regular meetings because of a respiratory infection. All of which makes me feel crazy. It is just a feeling and it will pass. It was comforting to read your post. I know I am at the beginning of a journey, I am praying I can walk through it with dignity and grace.

Cowgirl13 · January 2012

Macatacmn, you can. one day at a time. when you feel better a meeting will help and there are some wonderful women here on this board.

barbe1958 · January 2012

Macatacmv, you must feel like you are being held back from your meetings! Obviously you can't go when you are that sick. No one would appreciate being near you and possibly catching it. Has your sponsor been able to visit you so the two of you could talk? The further you get from the habit of the meetings, the easier it is to just let it all drop.

I am a multi-cross addicted member, BUT the most interesting thing is that when I had a doctor that knew it, he wouldn't get me ANY pain meds. It drove me crazy. I also have FM which is very painful, but he never told me! I reached the suicidal point before he admitted what I had. I thought I was going crazy!! I drank and took drugs to cover up the pain.

I went to another doctor who prescribed pain meds and my life turned around!! I could sleep properly and life took on a much better prognosis! I went through a hysterectomy with chemical assistance - doctor approved. And then the breast cancer. I herniated 3 discs in between all this and was put on Oxycontin. Did I get stoned or high? NO!! I was able to stop them easily as I found they nauseated me when I took them but didn't "need" them. It's like my body rejected them.

So, there is this weird bond with my present doctor and me. For the past 8 years or so, he will give me pain meds when I need them and he knows I won't abuse them. I have been off Oxycontin twice but am presently still on it with Hydropmorphon. I have many skeletal issues that are very painful.

The weird thing is that I don't get high. I thought I'd be the perfect addict, shuddering until I got my next fix, but I didn't! I use the drugs responsibly - surprise to me!!! I don't know what changed in me except for the fact that I NEED the drugs, I don't necessarily WANT them.

Once time when I was in rehab we played baseball and one of the men got a broken nose. They set it at the hospital without pain meds. I thought that was a bit extreme. The guy was in PAIN and needed relief!!! There's that difference; need - want.

So I think your point about thinking of your new drugs as medicine and not drugs WILL help. It sounds like you are working it all out well. I am here if you need me. I have 40 years of drug and alcohol abuse advice!

gonegirl · January 2012

Btw, there are telephone meetings for many programs. Here's the link for NA

http://naphone.org/

And for AA

http://aa-intergroup.org/directory_venue_telephone.php

I have a feeling I'll be housebound for a while after my surgery so I'll be making use of these for sure.

macatacmv · January 2012

gritgirl, thanks for the link I'll check it out. I am feeling some better so will get to my home group tonight. I use the phone a lot.

barbe, thanks for the advice I need it all. I admit I have followed you on other threads. You gotta quit making me laugh, my ribs hurt from coughing so much.

I live on an island and my sponsor lives on the cape so we use the phone to communicate. We have a lot in common, but she does not have experience with bc. She does not understand why I am so full of fear, I am having a hard time explaining it because I don't understand it either. I have taken pain meds in recovery and made it through each time, the last time just 3 weeks ago after surgery. I am always amazed at how they work at taking away pain and haven't had trouble letting them go. So why all this anxiety?

I have a good relationship with my PCP, have gone to him for years, so when he suggested a script last week for the way I was feeling, it freaked me out. He has never done that before.

Am I making too much of this? Trying to manufacture a reason to use? I am trying to be honest. But am even making myself sick with all the blithering etc........

I am going to take a shower, get dressed and go out for a walk with the dog. Change my lattitude, change my attitude.

barbe1958 · January 2012

mac, if you use the drugs we're talking about for pain or stress you won't get high if you really need them. Like Gravol. I can take the highest strength and I don't get even sleepy (people use Gravol to make them sleep) because all the drugs are being used to make me not vomit. Know what I mean? So when I use my heavy narcotics for pain, I don't get stoned. (Sometimes, I do admit, I wish I did!!!!) Just being honest...

My drugs of choice weren't pills, so I don't associate the drugs I take now as "using". Now if I had to smoke my Oxycontins........hehehehhehehe

I think you'll do just fine! You can't get addicted that quickly and it's more important to be pain-free and happy than full of pain and tempted to use. As for what you'll be taking for 5 years, the only reaction you'll get from those is possibly hot flashes and bone aches!!

You're doing fine, keep up the good work!

ICanDoThis · January 2012

It is so nice to see this discussion. Cause this is tough stuff - I was told early that one of the main causes of relapse in long-term sobriety was the medications around surgery and healing, and that one should be very careful. It helps a lot to be married to another person in recovery, because DH was really good about monitoring my use. I felt safe, you know. And I am sure that I healed faster because I stayed ahead of my pain.

As to the anti-anxiety meds, and such, I think this is a much more individual thing. I was taught that putting anything between yourself and your feelings is going to get between you and your Higher Power. So, today, I see many people in recovery who can take anti-anxiety and anti-depressant meds, but, for me, I just can't do it. Being offered anything made me feel like I was talking to a dealer. Going into the hospital was like walking down the street hearing people whisper "Loose joints."

Now, I recognize that this was my problem. It took them a couple of MONTHS to get me in for a mammogram, and I did know it was cancer from the moment I found it. The anxiety was tough. My PCs first reaction was Ativan, which is a Grade 1 addictive substance, so she blew it from the very beginning, because I might have taken something a little less threatening. My NEW PC is very cautious and respectful of my recovery, and, when mood-altering meds are called for, she is very conservative.
Versed gave me hallucinations, a knight in armor fighting the tendrils of drug oozing down the walls. So, I KNOW that I have conditioned myself to the point where these meds are more of a threat to me than the anxiety.

I guess what I'm saying is that you have to know yourself. If you don't want to take meds, don't take them. Yes, it does make the doctors uncomfortable - they kept offering me things. But only you can know how comfortable you feel with this.
Last year, I went in for knee surgery. I told my surgeon exactly how I felt about these meds - had a very specific talk with the anesthesiologist. I didn't feel threatened or out of control., and it was a decent experience. However, my husband told me that I woke up in the middle of the night and refused morphine -- I don't remember this at all! It does explain why I was in so much pain the next morning.

It sounds like your treatment is going to be a lot like mine - radiation and an anti-hormonal. These weren't mood-altering in the least for me. Wishing you the same thing.

gonegirl · January 2012

I guess I don't see depression as a feeling, it's a medical condition. I used to not believe in anti depressant and the doctors had to explain to me that if I was not medically depressed, the anti depressants wouldn't do anything to me.

Then I dropped into a severe depression in which I became suicidal. I was lucky to have a sponsor who also suffered from depression and she told me to go to the doctor stat. I started the anti depressants and all they did for me was make it so I was not so unbelievably down that I cried all the time and the anti depressants stopped the thoughts of suicide. At that point I realized that being sad or bummed is very different from a clinical depression.

Anti depressants saved my life.

barbe1958 · January 2012

gritgirl you are bang on! I've just said the same thing on another thread. Depression ISN'T feelings!!!! It's a chemical imbalance. You don't take anti-d meds because you're 'sad' you take them because you attempted suicide!!!

Sue, I had a morphine pump with my hysterectomy and I was terrified to be "in control" of my own intake!!! I was so bad using it that they had to send in tech after tech to explain how to use it and finally just gave me "on demand" morphine. Geez, I failed a drug test! ehehehehehehe You ARE supposed to stay in front of your pain and I was waiting until I couldn't stand the pain anymore! Duh on me!!! Sometimes we are our own worst enemies....

I tried Xanax for a while but didn't get any kind of relief from it so I stopped taking it. I never knew it was addicted until after I stopped it and the doc was so surprised.

I guess I only take drugs I like... Wink

barbe1958 · January 2012

Oh, meant to say, whenever I take a narcotic or sleeping pill that wasn't part of regular meds, I either have my DH give it to me or at least I tell him about it. I tell people he is my drug dealer...

Wren44 · January 2012

Macatacmv, the pill they're talking about you taking is probably hormone related and there's no danger of addiction. With pain killers, as long as they're for pain, you'll be OK. I have used them a couple of times during 23 years of sobriety without a problem. I agree with gritgirl that antidepressants do nothing unless you are depressed. If you are, they can be life saving. It sounds like you have good support and are using it. One day at a time...

Wren44 · January 2012

Macatacmv, the pill they're talking about you taking is probably hormone related and there's no danger of addiction. With pain killers, as long as they're for pain, you'll be OK. I have used them a couple of times during 23 years of sobriety without a problem. I agree with gritgirl that antidepressants do nothing unless you are depressed. If you are, they can be life saving. It sounds like you have good support and are using it. One day at a time...

Cowgirl13 · January 2012

Wonderful words of wisdom here.

macatacmv · January 2012

Something has lifted for me today. Thank you all for helping me through. I have gained knowledge and understanding by our conversations. I have a deeper empathy for all women struggling with this disease.

I am off to my home group in a few minutes, and have made plans to meet a woman at the BC support group on wednesday evening.

Just for today I will be unafraid and my thoughts will be on my recovery, living and enjoying life.

barbe1958 · January 2012

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{ macatacmv }}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Addicts in Recovery

Comments

Categories