after reconstruction disatisfaction

Cherie- Everything you are feeling is so normal.  There are so many things you've hit upon that I want to talk about.  First of all- "I do feel like someone who was attacked".  I remember someone saying once that as far as our bodies are concerned it doesn't know the difference between a MX and a stabbing.  It's a trauma and that trauma can take a long time to recover from.  Some women even exhibit symptoms of PTSD after MX so your feelings are perfectly justified. 

The anxiety you are feeling before exchange is all very normal, too.  There is so much riding on this surgery.  It is the one that is supposed to fix everything and we have such expectations on how it will turn out.  We wonder if we've picked the right size and type of implant.  We wonder what it will feel and look like afterwards.  And if it will be better than the TE's.  (It is- so much better!)  Don't worry about your husband right now.  I'm pretty sure no one feels the slightest bit sexy with TE's in.  The implants feel so much more softer and more natural than the TE's.  The majority of women are very happy with them and if you're not I would definitely look into fat grafting.  It made a huge difference for me.  There is a great thread on here about all things regarding exchange.  It is called "Exchange City" and you'll find lots of info not only on the physical aspects of exchange but the emotional ones, too.  Here's a link-

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/44/topic/728266?page=804#post_2791458 

You're right about the road to recovery being a long one.  Believe it or not, it takes about 2 years from DX before things start to feel somewhat "normal".  Somehow knowing that made it easier for me and I wasn't so hard on myself afterwards.  There is another thread on here where we share the emotional issues that come up post-MX and I'd like to invite you over.  It is called "Great saying about depression".  (I'll attach a link to this thread, too.)  You are definitely not alone.  I think this is just a part of BC that is not talked about as much. 

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic/759882?page=97#idx_2885 

I will offer up that I am extremely happy with my reconstruction which first began immediately following BMX Nov 2010. The TEs are not anything resembling breasts-they merely are stretchers or spacers....uncomfortable and hard as rocks....but oddly, right before my exchange to implants, I found I kinda liked em! I didn't have to wear a bra and those poppies were front and center...but actually, I think it was just being alive and getting to the point that I was so much more than my boobs.

I will say having PS who specializes in reconstruction while having an active cosmetics practice makes a big difference. Mine was well versed in the challenges of reconstruction and the differences between that and a typical augmentation- that said, he understood I wanted the asthetics. And he delivered. He told me right off...it is a long journey but we will get there. And we are.

My implants get better and more me every single day. We all have to understand the massive surgeries we undergo= messes with a lot of *stuff* inside and takes the body a long time to reorient itself. I do not understand the emphasis of fake or foreign- I look at it like I grew these things and they are softer everyday. I stand naked in front of mirror and am amazed at how these are there comapred to where I started. I have a hint of a nip left rom my nipple reconstruction which is all I want.....helps with the whole picture so to speak and the feeling. And yes, I do have feeling. Is it exactly the same as it was before BC....i don't think so, but neither am I. But when touched...I feel it. Is it bad or less than before....I can't quantify that since this is me and frankly I was so convinced it would be horrible that I was amazed that I have feeling...it came back in dribs and drabs as the nerve ending hooked up. I have so much my PS cracks up and says perhaps a portion of that is your imagination along with what hooked up?! I said fine does not matter since sensual feelings, along with self esteem are all based in my brain anyway. I was never an ugly woman, nor was my body ugly to be truthful but I certainly did not see it that way. Like many of us I was a harsh critic on myself. I was like a lot of us women.....in that regard.

But I guess facing BC and having made the decision (a very personal one) that if I ever was to be diagnosed with BC of any type- I wanted the boobs gone. Not based on science, based on me. So once i go the word, I didn't waver. They offered lumpectomy, uni, etc...I shook my head and said un uh. So perhaps that is why I don't mourn the old ones so to speak. If I mourn something it is the innocence I had that cancer was something that others got. Not me. Breasts being such a female part of us lends itself to the whole body/woman issues I think. But I feel as womanly or more so being on the other side of this all. I embrace my body for healing and doing its job to get me through this. It spurred me to get in the best physical shape of my life at 55. Again, I was never really out of shape but always had the elusive 10 pounds I wanted to lose. I figured hell, if I went through all that stuff, and mutliple surgeries to replace what I easily offered up, then I should take care of the rest of me.

I may be rambling but I speak from my heart. I know there are many who have had problems and they should absolutely go for another opinion- but find the right PS and when you do, do exactly what the say.  Again, mine said of course there are women who have problems that we just can't forsee how their body will react but a large number of problems come from not following the very specific instructions. And that is a key to a good PS- conversation and outlining what to do in the healing process. The only flaw or bump I have had in my journey was in my final step of tattooing- I got an infection. I was so angry and blamed the tattooist....a couple months out now....hmmm, I dunno, maybe it was my dropping the ball on aftercare or perhaps it was just that little patch of my bodynot like ink. I healed quickly with the antibiotics and will revisit a touchup down the road. But not for a long time.  My PS told me right before the holidays when he checked to make sure all was healed to go and enjoy. Embrace them and give my body a chance to be free from any procedures. I had a small course of fat grafting to them when I had my nipples created and had thought I wanted more. I am now thinking probably not. I have the whole resto f my body to take care of and make *mo bettah goot* and at this point I wanna kinda stop obsessing if I have perfect boobs....I didn't before and I don't now but I am thinking I have the perfect ones for me- where I am at in my head. I look at myself nude (WHICH I NEVER LIKED DOING) and just say now...you go girl. I have a couple of scars which are dissapating as time goes by (vertical from nipple down)- so what....hell we are all scarred one way or another. If you are worried with the intimacy....make love more often. I am not kidding. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and few men will be any was turned off by a woman who is embracing herself. Goes back to the whole mental thing. If we keep pointing out our flaws, that is not the most appealing thing. And if they just don't like it.....well, they have bigger problems than you do. It isn't about your breasts in that case, its about their lack.

I don't even know if I look and feel as good as I think I do. hahahaha but the key is my perception.

Good luck and keep asking questions. Explore all of your options. No one way is right for everyone. Time truly is our friend.

Annette