Why is it so hard for some to accept a choice not to recon?

I've found that generally it's men who can't seem to understand why you wouldn't have a recon.  Not all of them, but I haven't had a woman ask me if I was going to have it done, just a couple of men.

My DH was happy with whatever I decided to do.  He said it was me he loved, not my breasts.

I'm still happy with my decision not to have recon.

Trish

Interesting point about men breast surgeons who fail to accept our decisions not to reconstruct. My bs was a woman, years of experience and she never pushed reconstruction on me!

My sil, however, did for a time right after the surgery, I got the same crap from her a couple of times about you never know, maybe further down the line. Eventually she let up about it. I was pretty firm with her the last time she brought it up.

My hubby was actually relieved I didn't have reconstruction as I have severe pmps even a year later, still on  meds and getting lidocaine infusions by iv for pain.

I think sometimes we need to be firm, direct and let them know we mean business!!!

Doctors should be there to present the information to us, and let US make the decisions.

I wonder how he would feel if his balls were surgically removed, then placed back on, and having fillers and te's put in over and over until they were the right size???

I think everyone should have a choice to do recon or not.  I didn't have a recon for four years.  The only reason I did it was because I am an active water girl and was tired of having a prosthetic and worrying  about it.  I think if you can live without it, that's the best choice!

I don't regret DIEP but I had to suffer a lot for it and I have lots of scars to prove it.  But, now I can surf, swim, and play without a worry. 

CLC - God bless you for the lessons you are teaching your daughter.

Twenty five years ago, my mom had a radical mastectomy. The diagnosis, surgery, and treatments were very different back then. She had absolutely no hesitation when she received her dx - she told them to take the breast off, as she had no need for it. She had no reconstruction, and rarely - if ever - wore her prosthesis.

What this did to me was to make me see my mom not only as a whole woman, but a warrior. She absolutely set the tone for the way I handled my own dx many years later.

I did choose reconstruction after my BMX, but if for any reason I cannot finish the process, or it doesn't work, I will follow the same path as my mom (who, by the way, passed at the age of 87, having had no evidence of cancer for the rest of her life.)

I have no regrets for not having recon! A general surgeon did my mastectomy. At the time I just wanted them off, I didn't care what it would look like. I never dreamed a surgeon could do such a piss poor job. The scars weren't so bad, it was the excess skin, the ridges, folds UGH! So I went to a ps, thinking that was the only way to get them fixed. He wasn't interested in fixing my scars at all. All he wanted to do was slap a couple C cups on my chest. As IF I need boobs? I told him if the only way I could get the scars fixed was to get implants then I'd take a couple of AAA's. He told me that wasn't worth my time!! Thankfully he referred me to a wonderful general surgeon. She flattened me! I love living flat and bra free.

Okay you all, please do not try to reach through your computer screen to strangle me.  Please when you read this, understand I am not suggesting anyone SHOULD do anything. I am NOT!!!  I just want to mention what I think is the other elephant in the room that I never see anyone speak of, not even here - Why Not???

I am not an attorney and NO I don't even play one on TV.  My daughter, Her Yorkiness-at-law, does think she is, but I digress.

After reading the same law that requires insurance companies to cover ALL stages of reconstruction, it is my understanding that not only does that mean reconstruction meaning implants, diep, etc. but that also includes, cleanup of the mess left behind by the original MX, prosthetics, and prophylactic MX to achieve symmetry whether at the time of the original MX surgery or later.  Again, I am NOT for a second suggesting someone should do this, that is after all one of the decisions you need to make for yourself.  But why doesn't anyone offer you that option also with all their disclosures?  It is after all one of your options, so why shouldn't you at least have an opportunity to consider that option?

I was able to find out that information before my initial surgery, so when the BS said I could avoid radiation with an MX, I immediately demanded BMX.

My BS, a woman, who is wonderful, great bedside manner, left stellar scars, and never pushed recon, still left the shirt collar dog ears.  I was told she ALWAYS does skin sparing IN CASE I might ever want to recon.  In an effort to perform a due diligence, I did Google the term including photo searches many times but never came up with the center dog ear issue.  Like I say, I otherwise had steller scars and she never resisted my demand for BMX.  One thing you should know is when I am put in these situations, I am calm, measured, but also absolutely adamant and unrelenting.  I do not for even one mili-second show any equivocation. Also doesn't hurt that I am older, with multiple medical conditions, and a list of allergy/sensitivities so long they have to ask what CAN I take?

Hey, I fought my way through the system to have a tubal ligation in the 1970's when the procedure was new.  I was 24 with no children.  When I say I had to fight my way through a system that wanted you to be 30 with 6 children before they would even consider it, believe me I had to FIGHT for it.  I know how to play this game.

Barbara

Farmerlucydaisy: I had The Mutant dog ears removed and there are before and after photos on the pic forum.  I think it is in the Au Naturel section and has The Mutants somewhere in the subject line. 

I went to the very best BS I could find. I didn't ask for recommendations which I knew nurses and others couldn't give, I asked if it was themselves, their mother, their sister or their daughter, who would they choose and the same couple of names always came up.  I was very clear about no recon, and that I wanted smooth, flat, symmetrical and low on the chest to accomodate the v-neck clothes that I frequently wear. I was told about the fluffy stuff that would be under the arm which she and the nurse said they could not do anything about.  There was never a mention about the center dog ears.  Otherwise, exept for the dog ears, I pretty much got what I asked for. You will get a hundred stories about them - part of skin sparing "in case" you ever recon, because you had huge breasts, because you are chubby, sloppiness, oh yes and the latest I heard "to hold down a bra."  Whatever the reason, they are just an awful mess. Here is my own thread on the subject.

Dog ears in the center of chest?

You need to look here also.  I warn you it is waist up frontal nudity but it shows you what you could end up with if you have a bad surgeon.  Not exactly my definition of dog ears but still.  This is just to show you the seriousness of choosing the right surgeon to start with and then fully impressing upon them exactly, in a take no prisoners way, what you want.

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/82/topic/695424?page=1

Also check out the photo section of

www.breastfree.org

No center dog ears that I remember but can give you an idea of what smooth and flat should look like.  The owner of the site goes by Erica (real name Barbara) on this forum.  She and Barbe1958 both were able to get the message across to their surgeons about  No Recon EVER, no extra skin, no dog ears, and as flat, smooth and aesthetically pleasing as possible.  They asked for it in the right way and both got it.  I am sure both would be happy to advise you in the best way to get there.  Find photos of what you want, print them off and take them to the surgeon.  On the day of the surgery when they come to see you right before, tell him/her again in absolutely no uncertain terms what you expect!!

One thing I did, I did tell the surgeon if I woke up and they had taken one and left the other, I had a loaded gun at the house - I would use it!!  Wasn't kidding.  Not sure if they thought I meant suicide, murder or both, but they got the message. 

I was thinking this morning after my earlier post, that if I had wanted recon, I could have been a breakthrough in medical science.  They could have removed the bad one, trammed over a half of the remaining one and still had so much they would have had to do reductions on both.

I really am not responsible on days when rise and shine on Yorkie Standard Time is 4 o'dark AM.  LOL

Barbara

chele - I did exactly what you did, wanted the cancer out and made an appointment with local general surgeon.  My husband begged me to go to Nashville to have surgery.  Oh, how I wish I had listened to him.  My chest is a mess, skin adhered to chest wall with scarring an inch wide and dog ear in center of chest.  The first plastic surgeon I saw kept staring at my chest and said, "well, you sure don't want to go the rest of your life looking like that."  He spent 5 minutes with me, never looked at remaining breast or my back after telling me I would be sunk in here and there and he might have to take "some stuff" off my back.  I have since seen another PS who spent 40 minutes with me and had complete confidence that I "would look great" when he got done.  Just don't know if I want to go through more surgery, although am sick of how I look.

SurfaGrl-know exactly how you feel.  Have been to Florida twice since mastectomy and even the mastectomy swimsuit did not come up high enough.  My chest starts sinking in about 4 inches below my clavicle.  I am so self conscious.  Same with my scrub tops.  Every time I bend over at work I have to put my hand on my chest so no one sees down it or I have to wear a shirt under neath them.  It seems so hard to find tops that are made high up in the neck line area.  My husband and I love cycling and often go to organized cycling events and I love wearing racer back tops which are also low cut.  

Decisions, decisions. ( 

Just want to chime in about the earlier comments that it's male surgeons who generally push reconstruction. After reading about experiences on this forum for many years and also from comments that I get from women who visit my BreastFree.org website, I can (sadly but) confidently say that many women breast surgeons are at least as emphatic as male breast surgeons in pushing reconstruction. And it's particularly powerful when another woman says to her patient something like "you won't feel whole" or "you won't feel happy" without reconstruction. In those cases, I often feel that the surgeon is projecting her own feelings onto her patient.

Like Momine, my husband really didn't want me to have recon, and for the same reason--he didn't want me to take any unnecessary risks with my health (lengthier surgery, risk of infection, silicone in my body). He also would have supported any decision I made and came with me when I consulted a plastic surgeon, but he was relieved when I decided not to have recon.

Has anyone ever had the PS come in after the BS is done, to close up in a mx with no recon?  Is that desired or necessary? Do you think that would use up my recon opportunity in the event I don't truely know myself and want recon later? Thoughts?

Farmerlucy, I totally thought about that, but more so after the fact.  One of my incisions wasn't healing as well as the other and I kicked myself and figured I might have had better results if I asked a PS to close it, even at the risk of insulting my BS.  As it turned out, the incisions did heal very well, one is so fine and slim, the other not quite as slim but still very good.  I sometimes toy with the idea of a revision on it, but seriously, that is  probably not needed. 

My mom had breast cancer and chose to have a mastectomy without reconstruction. It was absolutely the right choice for her. So simple and natural. It would be my choice if I ever had to make it and I respect that it's your choice, too.

Barbiecorn:  You will find quite a number of people here who have had UMX (Uni) or BMX (Bilateral) without reconstruction and are living very happily.  Some wear prosthetics all the time, others only sometimes, or some not at all, with every nuance inbetween.  I had a BMX without recon and went flat for the first nearly 20 months.  I have recently purchased forms and at this point am going back and forth with wearing them.  Like you I was very large before and dreamed of a reduction though I know of no one who would have wanted this to get it.  There are a number of other threads on this subject that you may find interesting.

Choosing Not to Reconstruct

No reconstruction in early 40's? Anyone done it

No reconstruction- Happy w/your decision?

And has already been mentioned www.breastfree.org 

I see you are new on this board so if it is your final decision to go ahead with no reconstruction, please be sure you and your surgeon are clearly on the same page regarding how your incisions and chest will look, any extra skin, dog ears, fluffy stuff under the arms, etc. 

I am so sorry that this is how you have to spend your birthday. 

I am just a few years younger than you and the no recon decision was definitely the right one for me. 

Wishing you all the very best.

Barbara