Fuzzy's Romp Room

Oh FUZZ sweet Fuzz, I feel for you, girl.  Wow, I'm amazed you FINALLY got off that Ceto-whatever drug!  That medicine is nuts to get off.  I take a lot of medicines to stay normal, one of which is the glorious Lyrica, hmmm, it takes most of the hurt away, it helps me sleep.  It's got its quirks, and the drug CANNOT fight off major mental breaks with reality, but it's a good 'un.  I also take one of those SSRIs, Zoloft, HATE IT, also take a tranquilizer for panic disorder from my car wreck, that's fine except... it depresses me so bad, I gotta take the Zoloft, HATE IT.  I also take some codeine for my bad legs from my tore-up spine from my car wreck.  But in the last few years, NONE of my medicine was touching the worsening of my back pain and I begged for a change in my pain drugs to my neuro.  So, MRI is coming up next week, already had a bone density scan that says my back is about to give way, so when I see my neuro in March, FINALLY he had best change my opiate to something stronger.  I REALLY CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE, SIR, PLEASE, GIVE ME A MORPHINE DRIP!  Har har har.  I think everyone over the age of 50 ought to have a bottle of morphine in their medicine cabinet!

ENOUGH OF ALL THAT.  Well, FOLKS, the latest is I had a lousy day yesterday, despite not taking my Arimidex.  I felt just awful, woke up at 2 a.m., skipped the pill as planned, NO HELP.  I went completely off the deep end.  SIGH.  So, late yesterday afternoon, I took an extra of every single pill I had that might help me feel better, passed out in front of the TV right in the middle of the movie "The King's Speech," (but I did wake up long enough to catch the ending), and that's the last thing I remember.  So, this morning I finally woke up at a normal time (clinging to a half-eaten choc bar), and even tho several things have gone wrong, I handled it fine (ran out of sugar, went to quick-stop in PJs and slippers, slippers and socks got wet etc).  So, skipping the drug for TWO days this time seems to be helping.  But if I take it again tomorrow, how long will it be until 2 plus 2 equals EFF-O-RAM-A????

Yes, I'm really thinking this Arimidex routine thru.  Cancer doc will want to replace it with some other form of torture, but I just know it will do me in, on account of it's taking too much estrogen away from me.  I mean, back when my ovaries still worked and they were dowloading TRUCKLOADS of the estrogen stuff unto me, I didn't get cancer, but NOW I got it?  I mean, just what is going on here?  I have theories, something about hormones relating to peptides, which peptides are what that genius doc in Texas uses to cure incurable brain cancer, so I'll tip various people off just as soon as I get my new dog.  It's just that I cannot accept living a life of madness.  Would I rather live miserable or not live at all?  Ohhhhhh, I'm so mad.  What a terrible choice to make.   

Oh, well, back to the real world, or should I say, back to "As The World Turns."  From sister to sister, hugs and hugs to all of you who feel some form of trouble that only cancer can give to us.  GG

3:11 AM. i'm awake as i can be all worked up thank god they are not bad stuff this time.

So i decided to talk to myself.

FUZZY, I'm so proud of your youngest, getting such nice photos and all.  I am not a member of Facebook, never could figure out how in the world to do it, even tho husband's daughter invited us to her page.  SIGH.  But I can certainly feel how over the moon you are.  I am proud of you and yours.  Ya done good with your kids, Fuzz.

FOLKS, well, after much consternation and hallucinations, I GAVE UP on the Arimidex.  I'm sorry, I just could not take it no more.  And DUCKY, I did so appreciate your outlook on this thing, and I do not wish in any way to take away from what you say.  I did laugh at you saying how old you was and what was a few more aches and pains!  Hahaha.  I'm a mere 61 year old, so I can identify with what you say, to be sure!  Nope, this is a personal decision, as all our treatments are, and I just ran out of gas.

In case anyone is interested and forgot, I took Arimidex for almost a month, went off it two days, then back on it for two days, and here I am this morning, in tears all over again, shadows haunt me, stains scare me, I am filled with fear again, and my back is absolutely killing me.  That stuff is eating me alive, driving me right to the brink of destruction, and I don't wanna do it no more.  So, I have sworn to God and heaven and all allegiances that, in the words of Chief Joseph, "I will fight no more forever." 

I did not take that pill this morning, NO WAY.  I went thru chemo and nearly quit that program, was talked back into it by my doc, he downloaded big-time opiates on me so I could somehow hang in.  So, when I see my cancer doc again in six weeks, maybe he'll put me on Evista, I hear that is easier on a person, but i don't even know if that's something I can take, I have no idea on this hormone routine.  I'm just so done with this particular drug.  But now, you others, do NOT follow in my footsteps.  We're talking life and death stuff here.  It's just I'm in Fuzzy's romp room, she's letting me in here just long enough to work thru this bit with the Arimidex, and now that I've let out what's been bugging me so badly these last few weeks, I will be able to stop talking about it.  I will be set free.

Well, as for the future, this is the month husband and I are to clean up this house.  I've been so miserable, I was supposed to start the laundry part yesterday, and couldn't then and can't now.  It will have to WAIT.  But I WILL get on with it, I've got good motivation, we get a pup at the end.  At the very least, we've got to get our floors clean, husband will operate our new combo dry vacuum/ and wet rug washer machine.  That's the most important thing to get done.  So, I may not do a perfect job of dusting and decluttering, but I'll do what I can.  For once this place is clean, we can get us a new doggie.  Ohhhhhhh, I cannot wait.  Fuzz, I know you got you a pup.  Aren't they just great!?  I miss our two dogs so much, and so too does husband.  We NEED a dog, to comfort our aching hearts.

So, that's how my "The Young and the Useless" soap opera has played out.  The final decision has been made, I can do whatever the hell I want now, until my cancer doc tells me otherwise, and even then I may not do that.  I have done a few minor studies on stuff that prevents cancer, I think we all know what foods will help, so I'm gonna throw that at this thing to help balance out my inability to take anti-hormone drugs. 

But best of all, I can throw away this very dangerous attitude, and resume with my positive way of thinking, it has taken me thru thick and thin, and with the help of husband, family and friends, my cancer sisters, and soon a new furry dog, I WILL SURVIVE.  Love to you all, my dear cancer sisters, with honorable mention to my chemo sister Fuzz, GG 

Fuzzylemon.........yes,.........pain, everyday...................somedays are not as bad, but that again depends on the day...........do a little too much, and I pay the price...........yet, I will not give in to the pains and aches..............I do the best I can, and just "offer it up"..............

I don't have a Pup.........but I did.............We love our Boston Terriers.....when my husband was literally at deaths door, my daughter, then 24 decided if she bought her Dad a puppy, maybe it would help him..................he would always say to me "when I retire (we have a home in Cape May Beach, NJ, with an inground pool)...............he loved this place, and had it built, and always said he would buy himself a Boston Terrier, and walk the Beach everyday with this puppy.......................Well, we knew that was not going to happen when he got that deadly cancer, but my daughter insisted.........She bought her father the Pup in July, and sadly he died in Sept..........well now the dog was hers (according to her)............the reason for this story is we love our Bostons.

Eventually our "Bossy" had to be put down because of illness......a sad, sad, day...........I knew the woman who we purchased Bossy from, and one day she called and said she was moving, and had put "her dogs" in a kennel, if I was interested in going and getting them, because she could not keept them.............1 was 7 years old, the other 13....................I did go get them, eventually the 13 year old had to be put down, but the 7 year old became "my baby".

He was wonderful...........a true companion.......he never left my side .......well his health eventually deteriorated around 14 years old.............he was blind, cataracts, and eventually glaucoma, which was bad.....nothing could be done............eventually he got dementia, and had to be put down.....they said he was in pain (because of the glaucoma)..........it was a sad day, and I truely loved him........when I drove to the shore every weekend he would sit beside me in the passanger seat, like my co-pilot......he loved the car.........I still miss him, and would love another, but at my age, and with health issues, it is not a good idea.

My daughter who is now 42, bought a "Boxer" after the Boston was put down....................He is a wonderful dog, and is now 9........We just found out he has cancer, and said he will get possibly 2 years more...........she has 2 children who adore this dog, but she has not told them....it was a growth on his back, which we thought was nothing, but should be removed.........we were shocked when we got the news.

Funny thing......I watch my grandchildren after school, and this dog, has for the past couple years, followed me constantly, and never left my side when I was there..........I told my daughter "this dog is trying to tell me something, and it spooks me out".................I was the only one he did this too.....I would move, he would move, I would go down to the washer he would go too, I would go to the bathroom, he would sit outside the door...........when I got the cancer diagnosis, I told my daugher................."he knew", I know he did......................

Dogs are wonderful, and wonderful companions............I love Rocky..................his name...........I tell him...............:"hey Bud, we're in this fight together".............

bump

DUCKY glad that boxer is gonna be okay, and so are the rest of us.  FUZZY, oh yes, I feel you so close to me so many times.  My friend's dog came back, around 9 pm last night. I was told he creeped up onto the neighbor's porch, who is a cousin to her husband, and they finally let him back into the fold.  Poor doggie!  But he's good now.  Hey, Fuzzy, I'm ready, let's go beat up thine enemies, I'll kick them in the shins and mess up their hairs.  How dare they have hair!!

Speaking of messes... I am a very messy person.  Therefore the need to clean house.  And I did make a list and it's a big help.  It's also a very messy list.  Smile.  Husband is even worse than me, he's got junk on top of this desk ready to jump on me.  I think it's a sign of intelligence, to sort of let things go.  So, you just go ahead, girl, and tear it up.  GG 

(((Hugs))))Fuzz!

I just found this thread, and I am SO sorry you are going through all this shit.  NO it's NOT fair!  NO one, I mean NO one except US, that have been through it get how horrible it all has been!  It sure sounds like your "DH" could use some therapy himself.  I for one FINALLY got on the therapy band wagon and it actually IS helping.  Ha!  Who would have figured?  I am really trying to learn how to not let other people push my buttons so easily (mind you this is a major work in process) and to learn how to calm my mind.  I still have rough patches, especially at night, but I dare say it is a bit better.  And as soon as I'm done posting this, I am going to call a local facility called Great Strides that does therapy with horses!   I LOVE horse, and they do therapy with and without riding aspects so I am dying to check it out.  Although not too excited about riding in the cold, even indoor arenas tend to still be pretty chilly.  We'll see.

Take care of yourself my friend,

Sharon

Can't wait for that post Fuzzy, the "Hey I figured it out".  So many of us need to figure it out.  The world goes on like nothing happened to us, while our world has been rocked to the core.  We all understand, unfortunately.  I hope you have happier days soon.

(((Hugs)))