Why am I only ok talking to stage III ladies?feeling like a jerk

It's nice to chat with others who you think of as "equals." But whatever you are feeling, remember your friend has a lot to deal with too - even though YOU might think of her diagnosis as a lesser one. It's crap for us all. And while we all want to be healthy when we are finished with treatment, recurrences and mets happen to all stages. Your friend might never have to deal with this again. But she might. That;s the reality ALL breast cancer survivors have it live with - we just don't know.

You are in very early satges of diagnosis/treatment etc and your feelings are going to be all over the place. Come here for support - lots of help from the ladies here.

I think that's normal. To be impatient with those with a lower stage and to step cautiously around those with a higher stage. Gill is right, everyone is going through a lot with this, and it's important for us to hold each other up.  There are differences, though.  When expressing my fear for the future, while I was in treatment, to a stage I friend, she said "You get through it and then you never think about it again."  I think that's just not true for those of us whose BC has learned to travel.

And for that reason, I feel the most comfortable with the stage III ladies. That's good, though, because this is a great group of women.

By the way, your story is similar to mine, I was diagnosed at 38 last December.  But I am more than a year out, and I feel really great. Much luck to you!

I can relate. When I see those ads and commercials with bc survivors back with their rowing teams celebrating victory or running marathons or embracing bc as a "positive life changing experience", I always say to myself, "Yea, but I'll bet you weren't stage III".

On the good side of things, because we are stage III we get some of the best, most aggressive treatments so in the long run that may be to our benefit. Not sure if that helps, but someone posted that once and I had never looked at it that way before. It was a little bit reassuring.

I wish you all the best and will keep you in my thoughts. So glad to know you have such great support at home and come here any time for any reason. We are all here for you. (((hugs)))

Please don't blast me for this, just want you to consider it - staging is a nebulous thing.  My mass was larger than some of yours, I am triple positive which is aggressive and some of you are not Her2+, I am grade 3 and some of you are grades 1 & 2, but because I only had two positive nodes and they were not clumped, I am IIb.  One of my nodes was 6mm, and it was not my SNB which only had a micromet, and I realize that you all have more positive nodes than I did.  Am I luckier than any of you?  Don't know the answer to that yet.  The only difference between me and IIIa is clumping of nodes, otherwise I fit the criteria.  Even if my stage is lesser, I have endured 6 rounds of TCH, a subsequent year of Herceptin, 6 surgeries, and the loss and replacement of a TE.  Don't discount that I may have advice or insight to offer you.  We should all be here to support and encourage each other, regardless of stage.

Edited for spelling (twice dangit!)

I feel like that with lower stages at times too.  I am glad we have a stage III forum where we can talk to others with similar experiences and feelings.  I don't mind other stages chiming in on topics though.  I'm fine with that.  And I participate in a lot of threads for all stages, but it is nice to have this forum for others with the stage 3 diagnosis.  I know when I tell people it, they cringe.  I don't tell too many people though, I mostly gloss over it if they question my stage.

I have posted a similar topic some time back when all of a sudden lower stages seemed to take over the stage III forum. While I know that everybody can end up with mets, the odds are simply higher with a stage III diagnosis than with a lower stage. So yes, I also envy people who had so much more luck than me. I do not take comfort in knowing that somebody no node involvement survived for a long time because that is simply not comparable to my situation. All the survivor stories about people with no node involvement simply do not seem to relate to me at all. I feel as if I am in a completely different world.

I am aware that in some way I do not adequately respect that people with lower stage also go through a traumatic phase and also fear recurrence and I got blamed for that last time. But in a way if I am not allowed to feel that way, people with lower stage do not adequately respect my feelings either. And I am aware that some on this board are going to think about me - well she only has four nodes involved, she has been so lucky.

So - a very difficult topic, but I think most of us stage III'ers have these moments and these thoughts and understand. Hugs.

Josiecat - I don't think you are being "jerky" - is that a word? You are very new and I wanted you to know that there are nuances to staging that you may not have realized.  There is such a swirl of information and emotion when you are newly diagnosed it is hard to know what to do, and I want to encourage you to look at other threads here that are not stage III, and gather information and support everywhere you can. 

josiekat:

I completely understand where you are coming from and have felt EXACTLY the same way many, many times.  I think it is natural to feel that way and anyway, feelings just are.  Sometimes we can't help how we feel. 

I remember being in a "support" group and everyone introduced themselves.  After telling their pathology every single person said, "And thank God there were no nodes involved."  Then they got to me and I said I had 6+ nodes with extracapsular extension and every single person gasped.  When I say gasped, I mean they audibly gasped.  I never went back to that group and just came here instead.

BTW-that was 6 yrs. ago!!

Understand where you are coming from and your feelings are completely normal.  Just remind yourself that no stage comes with a guarantee.  I have a good friend who was 1A and had her one year anniversary yesterday.  They called her on her one year anniversary and now she is going through more biopsy hell on the other breast.

It's a contrary bastard. 

I had stage 0 breast cancer over three years ago no chemo,or ads but did have a mastectomy on the affected side now here it is again on same side and I am either a IIIc or stage IV depending on which doc you talk to. You just never know. We all once dx with BC will forever have it hanging over us, after time you may no longer think about it everyday but if you get sick or have any pain in or near your breast it will still be your first thought.

Josie, you are so new to the diagnosis that you shouldn't even feel that you have to validate your feelings. They are YOUR feelings!!! Of course you want to compare your stats with others with the same diagnosis, but that's a slippery slope. Everyone, and I mean everyone, has a 50% chance of recurrence. You either recur, or you don't. It's a simple as that.

But be gentle with others with a lesser diagnosis as they haven't been treated as aggressively as you. Also, an awful lot of woman with only Stage 0 have to get mastectomies!!! I see more mastectomies with DCIS than I do with any other kind. I've been on the board over 3 years and have seen a LOT of Stage 1 and 2 gals jump into the Stage 4 venue. It can happen to ANY of us. We are ALL just one test result away from stage 4.

You normally never have to worry about what you post in any forum. But, most ladies check the Active Topics list and all sections come up. That is why you'll find other stages responding to your thread.

I'll say, I'd rather be Stage 3, grade 1, than Stage 1, grade 3!! It's the grade that shows the aggression of the cancer. The stage is only used for your treatment plan.

Can you imagine one of your kids getting diagnosed with cancer and you tell some friends and one of them says "Big deal, my kid has a higher stage than yours!" Just hearing the word 'cancer' in the same sentence as our own names is enough stress for most of us. Stage and grade at that point don't even matter. Cancer makes it a level playing field.

Good luck, sweetie!!

Barbe: your oft-repeated comment, "I'd rather be Stage 3, Grade 1, than Stage I, Grade 3," is one that never fails to upset me. I'm Stage 3, Grade 3, and although I'm sure you don't meant to come across this way, it always reads as very flippant to me. I hope most understand that Grade 3 means that these cancer cells proliferate quickly and are poorly differentiated, so that's your point, but I still cringe every time you post this comment. It reminds me I lucked out in Stage, and in Grade.

Granuaile, I am stage 3, grade 3 as well. The good thing about grade 3 is it responds well to chemo. I had neoadjuvant chemo and the cancer that was left was slow growing and grade 2. The chemo zapped all the fast growing cells. Just wanted to give you an upside. I wish all my cancer had been fast growing, and it would have probably be all gone. I had a really large tumor and they tell those are likely to have different grade cells in them. Any way, best wishes to you.

I'll admit to not feeling a lot of sympathy for Christina Applegate and her DCIS while I was watching TV in the chemo room, bald headed, constipated, whacked out on decadron and facing radiation in the near future. I wanted to reach through the TV, tap her on the shoulder, and offer to trade her "battle" for mine.

And no, I don't feel bad for feeling this way. We feel what we feel.