Fighting Resentment

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grace21
grace21 Member Posts: 2
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer

My mother, who is my best friend in the whole world, was recently diagnosed with Stage 1 lobular breast cancer.  She'll go in for her second surgery next week, where they'll try to clean the borders and check to see if it has spread to the lymph nodes.  I've read so many blogs and forums since the diagnosis and I know that I'm not alone in feeling the whole gamete of emotions - initial shock, denial, fear, worry and above all, overwhelming sadness that my mom is about to embark on such a hard journey. It was comforting to know that I was not alone in my feelings and experience.

But one thing I did not see much, and therefore I wonder if I'm the lone ranger on this one, is that I have severe resentment toward my dad, or rather, the parent who isn't sick. While he is an overall good person, he is a difficult man to be around, always stumbling over appropriate emotions or words.  His matter-of-fact attitude often comes off cold, and sometimes completely uncaring, and I find myself always resisting the temptation to explode on him.  Neither he and my mom or he and I have a very healthy relationship - there is a history of drinking and abuse that has always kept me at arms length of him, as well as extremely protective of my mom.  While my parents have had several unofficial separations, they are now living amicably in one house, just in separate rooms.  To top things off, I moved home not long ago after I lost my job but before we knew about the cancer.  One happy family, ha.  I know it will only help my mom if we keep a kind and calm environment at home, so if anyone has any tips on how I can try to move past my anger toward him that would be great.   Don't get me wrong - I love him and respect him for a lot of reasons, but I do admit I have a lot of built up anger toward him, and now it seems to have bubbled toward the top with news of my mom's diagnosis.  It almost feels like the more love and support I give my mom during this time the more callous resentment I exude toward my dad and I want to stop! I try to think things in my head like "he's trying" or "he's just not good at this" but it seems these days he only has to look at me funny and I get bristly. If anything has become clear during this whole ordeal (which I know has barely begun) it is that we should value every day and appreciate the small stuff.  So why am I inadvertantly blaming my dad for my mom's cancer? It's absurd! How do I stop?!?!

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  • Margi1959
    Margi1959 Member Posts: 178
    edited January 2012

    I totally get it.  I just lost my mum to breast cancer, October 1.  Then, on October 3, I lost my dad to  COPD/heart attack.  They had been divorced for 45 years and lived in satellitle communities of the city I live in.  I am their only child but was raised by my mum alone.  I didn't start seeing my dad until my daughter was born (when I was in my 20's).  We did end up getting to be friends in the last few years, but there was a lot of "stuff" there to get past.  In the last half of his life, my Dad wasn't harmless anymore and I didn't really have feelings for him one way or the other - but my Mum was my best friend.  She started fighting breast cancer in 1995 and this was her fourth round with it (diagnosed again in Jan. 11, mets to bone, lung, liver, eventually brain).  All year last year, I was so secretly mad at my dad.  Why couldn't it have been HIM that was this sick and in this much pain?  Why my mum?  She was the "good" one.

    I am living proof though - and please hear me on this - I totally regret that wish/question now.  Because I did end up losing my dad too.  Trust me, I'm really feeling both losses - in totally separate ways, but definitely missing my dad too now.  Just wanting you to know that you're not alone in your feeling and that someone out here in internet land "gets it".  Best of luck to you and your family and - word of advice?  Now might be a really good time to try to talk things out with your dad and get on the same page as him.  He's probably terrified too right now.

    hugs to you.

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  • grace21
    grace21 Member Posts: 2
    edited January 2012

    Hi Margi,

     Thank you for replying. It feels good to know I'm not alone.  And thank you for validating my instinct that I shouldn't feel this resentment toward my dad.  It helps to hear someone else has felt the same.  I had actually typed those same words, about wishing it was him instead, but then deleted them because I was so ashamed for thinking that, and also ridiculously worried he'd somehow find this post and figure out I had said that about him, haha. But I'll take your advice and try to forgive him for his faults and enjoy what he can offer.  I just hope I can remember this sentiment the next time he pisses me off, haha.  At the very least, he has the ability to think clearly in a bad situation -- that's more than I can say about myself.   I know this whole thing is new so I'll be learning a lot as I go.  

     I'm so sorry you lost both parents, and so close together.  My thoughts and prayers are with you as you continue to cope with that.  And thank you for "getting it."  I honestly posted with very little expectaion that I'd hear from anyone; I was so comforted when I read your response.  Best of luck to you -- and here's to a lifetime of normal mammograms for you, I hope!

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited January 2012

    Grace, remember, to forgive does NOT mean to forget or condone. You can forgive your Dad, which will ease some of the strain, but that does not mean you accept what he was like all those years. I think it's GOOD that you are all together! Your Mom will need you now more than ever. Can you make your room a safe haven for her to come to? Let her laugh and cry and talk about dying. Even if she has a good prognosis, she will be terrified. Let her set the pace of the conversation. Your Dad would just say don't be silly to talk like that, but trust me, she needs a place to be able to say "what if I die?" You can be that place.

    I imagine your Dad doesn't go busting into your room without knocking at least, so you and your Mom could have some good quality time. He many only see it as a chick thing and be glad you are home. Men don't handle breast cancer well in general. They feel helpless that they can't fix it. I'm sure he feels all the sad feelings you feel, but probably doesn't know how to explain the feelings! Men!!

    So, when you spend time with your Mom, just think of how you are giving your Dad a break. He is probably terrified she will see the fear in HIS eyes!! This could bring you all closer if you let it. 

    Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.

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