Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?

bckicker · April 2011

Both my inlaws live with me and also my mother.I got diagnosed with triple neg and got a bilateral mx .Instead of any of them lending a hand when I got home all my mom could say was if u die where do I go and my mother in law said if she had to do anything she knew she would throw it up in my face later so it was easier for her to do nothing . My husband was awesome but he works 12hr nites so hes gone alot my bff did come over a few times to clean and took me to my chemo treatments she has been a great support.But after the people who live with me and I take care of everyday treated me like that I felt so alone so I just sucked it up and did everything like I usually do I have never went a day out of my seven surgeries where I could have a day to just rest it feels so unfair cause I couldnt do that to them even thru Chemo I was up cleaning making dinners for them all laundry sometimes I feel invisible or maybe they think I can handle it cause im only 34 (was 31 when diagnosed) it is hard no matter the age I think ......That felt good to let that out ..

texaslonghorn31 · April 2011

I am new to this thread so read some of the start and then the end... but Bckicker... I am so sorry for what you are going through. I love that on this site we can all say the things out loud (well type them anyway) that we may not feel we can say to anyone else! I know for me going through cancer was in some ways like going through other bad patches in my life (parent dying, etc). I found out who my true friends were... and I found out who wasn't really worth a poop. I am single and live alone and have no family in the area. But I had AWESOME friends that did everything from take me to RADS to making pink cupcakes to helping me dye half my hair hot pink when I was going through treatment. My sister sent me a text saying "sorry you have cancer.. that sucks" and that was the end of anything I heard from her. My mom was amazing. Some of the men in my family I don't think quite knew what to say. I even had one of my guy friends who is the most uncommunicative person in the world tell me he didn't know what to say or do for me but would be there if I needed him. Now that I am through treatment the friendships that I have with those that stood by me are stronger... and for the ones that weren't around... I am better off without them. Good luck to all of your on your journey!

truebff · December 2011

I have also been so saddened by this.

My husband has been/is wonderful. I am so lucky for him. Our love is ever deeper every day and every night. And when I wake up in the morning and he says how much he loves me, I can *feel* the healing of that, right into my very cells!

I am also learning that some people just can't take cancer - it scares them too much.

My best friend in the world "can't take it" so won't talk to me or anyone else who is sick because "it is too much for her." I admit it hurt a lot to hear that because I really needed and wanted her to lean on too, but I am trying to understand.

I am very comforted by the people strong enough to be there for me and trying hard to be forgiving and understandng of those who are in denial and or distant during this most frightening time, when I have had no way to run away from myself and had to turn around and face it squarely.

Thank God for the kind people in the cancer community and those whose hearts are big and brave enough to love you through your whole life, ups and downs.

A favorite quote of mine:

"All time not spent on love is wasted." -Tasso

Pelicangirl · January 2012

I am so glad I found this thread. I am newly diagnosed and waiting for surgery..waiting impatiently in fact (a byproduct of being diagnosed right before the holidays and trying to get the BS and PS to coordinate schedules). In the meantime I have been stunned by how so called close friends have run for the hills while some mere acquaintainces have actually stepped up and been more supportive and helpful in constructive ways. Cancer really does seem to help separate the wheat from the chaff. I will honestly be evaluating so many aspects of my life from now on including who I will choose to keep in it!

truebff · January 2012

Dear Pelican Girl,

I am so sorry you've encountered this with people. It hurts. Just know that some people are scared and don't know how to deal with it or are in denial. It doesn't necessarily mean they don't love you.

But with BC, you can't run away from yourself. (Damn!)

Please reach out here. And forgive the weak friends and Bless the ones who can step up and face this with you..

Bogie · January 2012

It has opened my eye to so many people, and changed my views. You sure know who to eliminate and keep as friend at the end of the day.

fredntan · January 2012

I was feeling same thing.

I decided to call them. Im glad I did. I have enough resentment from my doctors missing my Bc. I just talked to one honestly that I was scared. They unfortunately have busy lives to lead. I didn't make any accusations.

jankc · January 2012

From the end of June to mid-September, I was in high gear with the Dx, doctor appts, surgery, radiation, and a semblance of recovery. Sept. to Dec., I tried to put the BC on a back burner in order to finally deal with the eye-opening realization that I have a few insensitive, non-caring family members and friends. I can't say I dealt with it well, but I dealt with it. Consequently, I've reordered priorities and streamlined the list of people in my life who matter - as difficult as it was. And it was. But now I know who cares and where I can invest my energy. There are still a few days that I would be perfectly content with my pre BC ignorance, thinking everyone would react to illness with at least a phone call...

JenniferJ · January 2012

I have to join in here -- I found the same thing. People who I would have thought would be supportive didn't even ask how I was doing. And people I never knew stepped up to tell me that they were there for me. I also found that a lot of people would ask why I got cancer. I know their motivation was to avoid doing whatever gave me cancer, but it isn't that easy. No one knows WHY they get cancer, and the implication is that I was responsible for getting it. Anyway, now that I'm a couple of years past diagnosis, I realize the gift of knowing who I can count on and who I can't. I no longer waste energy on the people who I know won't be able to support me when I need it. And thankfully, I know those who will be there. Accept the help where you can, and God Bless.

Reality · January 2012

Yes - fuzzylemon - I have found the same to be occuring - Many of the people who I expected to be very supportive do not even contact me - some never have since my dx. I live in a very small town and am well known as I was teacher here for ten years - I know that there are very few people who do not know about my diagnosis. But, I have been pleasantly surprised by many people who have not known me for very long - they have been supportive, sent cards, stopped by to see if I need anything. Go figure,....like you said, to hell with the ones who write us off!

Reality · January 2012

My greatest disappointment was not receiving support from my EX- not-so-significant other of 14 years. (We have "dated" for 14 years, but kept separate homes). He is a very superficial person as far as judging people by the way they look - he is actually obsessed with the female physique and often acted like he was a 20 year old guy, as far as gawking and commenting on women he would see in person, on TV or in magazines, instead of 58 yr old man!

I realize that my diagnosis was hard on him, also, but he never asked me one question about treatment and changed the subject if I even began to mention what occurred at one doctor visit or another. He was, however, quite pleased that I was having a lumpectomy instead of an mx. I advised him that due to my small breast size, the lumpectomy would most likely take 1/2 of my breast, which it did.

Following my surgery, I advised hiim that I could not believe how well the BS had hidden my incision - it follows my aereola and is barely noticeable. I expected an incision across my breast - which would have been fine with me, as long as I had clear margins. At that point, he informed me that he had looked up the procedure on-line and that my incision was like the ones they do for breast implants. He was so excited that I did not have a big scar - excited for himself! Thsi is the same guy who did not want to see what the Hope Lodge I stayed at looked like - his comment was, "Oh great, just what I want to look at, a place where a bunch of cancer patients hang out". His next concern was when my hair would grow back. When I told him I was not sure, he said, "Ask them", I told him no and that it would grow back when it did.

I could go on-and-on, but I believe the EX in Ex-not-so-significant other sums it up. I advised him that I did not feel our relationship was strong enough to survive my diagnosis. He told me he would miss me, but respected my decision. In four months, he has not even tried to convince me to continue the relationship - I never hear from him. I am relieved that I do not, but still hurt. I believe he is glad to be off-the-hook, especially since I told him that my breast is very deformed, now that the swelling from surgery has gone down. How superficial, after 14 years together....oh well, his loss - definitely his loss......(Sorry this was so long - I am so hurt).

truebff · January 2012

My BFF who "couldn't take it" was VERY BIG on celebrities like Farah Fauwcett and Suzanne Sommers and had TONS of the celebrity advice to pass on to me and much sympathy for them.

I guess I was just too "real" for her - or not famous enough.

But who you love, you love for their heart. That should always be big enough.

Some of us get that. And get to pass on that love.

And the others, we have to let go of and also forgive. They will get there on their own time.

Reality · January 2012

Well put,, truebff.....Yes, my ex is VERY BIG on celebrties. For example, when a Indy car driver had a wreck during a race and died this year, my ex actually cried, several times, for two days. I felt very badly for the young driver, who had a wife and children. My heart ached for them. My heart also ached for me as my ex has never shed a tear for me....I know, maybe he has privately - maybe it was his way of dealing with the disease, but the fact that he seemed relieved that I left him, validates my feelings that he is glad to be free of me and my disease......

sas-schatzi · January 2012

This thread seems to have been inactive for quite sometime and now is becoming active again. BFF--------lost two at the same time August 09. One of 31 years, the other of about 5 years.Both couldn't deal with both my Dh and I having CA at the same time. But there have been others who have stuck like glue "god bless them".I probably could make a better effort to stick to some of them better like glue , they tried harder than I did, but I was so depressed that, I didn't realize how much I was isolating myself. After my Dh died, I spent so many months staring at the walls. Each time I tried to make a break back into life----something else went wrong. I have even gotten used to the isolation. Which I know is wrong. But well. The contact that I look forward to the most is with my counselor. We are talking about that. It's the only time, I get to talk about my real feelings. Everyone else wants to hear how well I'm doing. He's okay about the not so well.and let's talk it through. AND BCO, I come here and there are my usual threads. They become like family. Then this thread latent for so long , but now active again. For me I mean to stay a short time , then spend all night.b/c there's no reason to get up in the morning.

Well that's enough pity party, This is on my favs list I will check back in and see if we can't keep each other going.

Anyone new to BCO if you want a place to laugh find OMG THEY FOUND A CURE FOR STUPID. Read from page one a few pages at a time. It will brighten your day. I will try to bring the link for page one.

http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/102/topic/765586?page=1

Tested it and it works, it's up to page 133 now, but start from page 1, it will gladden your day. Namaste and Pax sheila

Reality · January 2012

Dear SAS - thanks so much for the link - The first page I went to cracked me up - will definitely mark it as one of my favorites - too funny - there is a photo of a cat who looks just like mine - the caption advises the reader to stare into the cat's eyes and then advises the reader their CAT scan is done - so silly, but what a nice way to start the day.

anonymice · January 2012

I could use a little feedback about a current situation. My "bff" disappeared on me last Christmas, 2 months after I started chemo. 7 months of chemo, BMX, 7 weeks of rads....nothing.

Well, my Mom died in September...my friend was quite close to her and Mom did so much for her. My Mom was in the hospital for five months before she died, and bff did not visit her once. She knew she was in, of course.

Bff came to Mom's funeral, and I sat next to her at a dinner at church afterward and talked to her. But I didn't want to - I just didn't want to hurt her.

Since September, she has called a couple of times and left messages, which I haven't returned. She wants to be a part of my life again. But I just don't want that. I don't want to hurt her, but I kind of just want to forget she exists. It only causes pain to think of her. How could she do that to me?

I just don't want her trying to contact me anymore. I don't want to think of her. It's not that I want to make her suffer - I swear, as much as she has hurt me, I do still love her and want her to be happy.

I have to write thank-you notes for the funeral still (I know that's horrible, but I lost my Mom, a friend, my dog and my cat all within a 3 month timeframe and just have been reeling). And here is my question about it - should I ask her not to call me anymore? I could ask her not to call, and say that I'll contact her later. Right now, I really have no intention of ever seeing her again, but perhaps I'll be more forgiving in the future.

I do not want to hurt her. I do not want revenge. I just want to forget about her. I just don't think I'm a big enough person to ever accept her friendship again. I am so hurt, and am sure I'm very angry also, although right now all I feel is pain.

So. Is it kinder to ask her to wait for me to call her, or to just continue to blow her off? It probably eases her conscious to try and contact me, and puts all the blame for the situation on me. I don't mind that, as long as she stays out of my life. And as we see here on this thread so clearly, her reaction isn't unusual.

I know I'm not thinking clearly. I just don't know what to do.

truebff · January 2012

I sent my bff an email stating I was trying to understand, but I was very hurt.

And THAT is the truth: I AM trying to understand AND I AM hurt.

She was very clear that she couldn't take it (my cancer). I told her I wouldn't bother her until it was all over.

I don't know how it will remedy or not between us. I still love her and value her in my life, but I am disappointed.

I'm not calling her right now. If she wants to, I would answer though.

I am leaving the door open, but I am leaving it for her to come back through.

truebff · January 2012

Some thoughts:

I actually have thought long and hard about this. It won't let me go.

I've been sitting here feeling conflicted. On the one hand, what does being right or wrong get you? Notta lotta. Especially if it means you get disconnected by being "right" or put out the door like a bad cat if you are "wrong."

I love someone. She loves me. We are life-long Best Friends Forever.

She had the courage to be politically incorrect and tell me the truth: she felt overwhelmed and unable to handle my cancer crisis at least in the moment of our upset.

I was equally honest, standing in my "high and holy" right-eousness, saying: I have cancer!! How could you?? You should be 100% there for me now. I need you! Help me! Your inability to help or want to help me feels like abandonment to me.

But then, here I am, maybe right (politically correct) but out of sync with my BFF.

So what has really occured is her honesty and my honesty are not being completely "honored." The definition of honesty and honor is "telling the truth and regarding that with great respect." These are also the backbone of the ethics of our long and deep friendship over many decades.

Perhaps we need to, in this instance, throw out the connotations of good and bad or right or wrong and all the pride that goes along with that and realize that this is just a different set of needs that occurred at the same time. I needed her to take care of me and she needed to take care of herself. This is just how it was too. She was drawing her own "self care" lines or boundaries. We still love each other. I don't want to throw that away too.

I suppose this is where it also shows up with people who don't *really* love or care for each other comes out and into view. But, in my case, with this friend, I can't really believe that. We do love each other and care for each other's friendship.

I think now that although I was deeply been hurt by this, that I also need to honor her honesty too and not lose the love and connections we do have.

Reality · January 2012

I believe that my "Best friends with Benefits", ex-sig-other of 14 years, was actually grateful to be let off the hook when I returned his apt. key to him three months ago. We tried living together at one time, but it just did not work, so went happily on our way living in separate homes. My Ex is 59 years old, and admittedly obsessed with having sex! Most of our arguments over the years was due to this as I am not obsessed. When I advised him that I no longer want to participate in sex and may never want to, but would like to maintain a friendship, he gladly return two boxes of items I had at his place and sent me a Christmas card in which he thanked me for sharing fourteen years of my life with hiim -He sent me his love and best wishes. I have not heard from him since. I am glad he is not pursuing me or pushing me to stay in the relationship. I know now that I am much happier without him in my life, but do feel hurt that he was never really here for me since day 1 of my dx. Oh well....now it is time to focus on me and spend more time with my wonderful family.

jenlee · January 2012

One of my BFF's has really let me down. She was very good in October, the month of my diagnosis. She vowed to come for a visit (a one hr. flight), ahnd out for a weekend, and be my Chemo-sabe for a treatment. I know that she's ultra-busy with her three teenage girls, but it's so easy to send an email! I wonder if the fact that her mom died of cancer is making her back away. I do get the sense, even from those who have remained close to me, that people are scared about being close to someone who might die!

anonymice · January 2012

I'm sorry for all the losses we've experienced, but so glad we have one another to share this with, and know that it's not just us.

I've decided to my bff a thank you note for the flowers and food she made when my Mom died, and let it be. This way, she can put the blame on me for not communicating with her, and she can save face around her family and such when they ask about me.

I mentioned this way back in this thread, but my bff was not at all upfront about not being able to handle my cancer. She actually had the nerve to say that she had lost my phone number. Perhaps she did (slim chance), but we know probably 100 persons in common. And, she is an RN...so she knew what my diagnosis of IBC meant. It usually means you're going to die soon. I have been very lucky with treatment and do not appear to be going anywhere anytime soon, but she certainly didn't know that last year.

truebff, I believe your friend will come around. She is weak, but admitting her fears took courage, and I think she will become accustomed to the situation and come back to your life in time.

Anandagram, that's a rough one, your "benefits" adds a whole different aspect to the situation. Do you think he might have taken it that when you said 'no more benefits', you were 'breaking up' with him?

Jenlee, you're absolutely right. People ARE afraid of being close to us. At least your friend has distance as an excuse.

Anonymous · January 2012

For me, it comes down to 2 different groups. There are the ones who admit they weren't there for me because a) didn't know what to say or do so said or did nothing, b) just can't handle disease, illness, etc and c) well, who the heck knows what c is, but at least admit they know they let me down. Then there's the other group who insist they were there for me. (Hmm, think I would have remembered if you had visited, called or written anytime between DX and exchange surgery.) I've forgiven the first group because, heck, we're all flawed in some way. The second group have all either been jettisoned or the relationship is on life support. And the funny thing is I really don't miss them all that much.

Reality · January 2012

Panonymous- yes, I believe he did think I was "breaking-up" with him. As you said, the "benefits" part complicated the situation even more. Whatever the case, I would put him in the "other group" that Kate describes - He was the type who insists he was there for me, but truly was not. I have not missed him at all, so it was time to move on.

anonymice · January 2012

Yeah, I would put my bff (or should that be fbff for former), the only person that really upset me, in Kate's group 2 as well. Sure she was there for me....just misplaced my number, that's all. My ex-husband and I have a very good relationship, and he is fbff's lawyer. Sure, she talked to my ex-husband at least once or more times a week but no doubt it slipped her mind to ask him for my number. Yeeeeaaaah.

I feel a little guilty about it but similar to youse guys, Kate and Anandagram, I just don't miss her at all. Maybe I'm just looking for excuses not to contact her anymore, now. The last year and a half have changed me.

sas-schatzi · January 2012

Pan, Ananda, and all follow, your gut reactions. I agree Kate's two categories are good. Too many categories get us confused. The one for me of 31 years did a "befriending" request on FB. Nixed it. She walked at the height of problems. She's history. No regrets. She showed her true colors. no second chances on this one.

If your feeling guilty about making a choice b/c you want someone else to be able to save face, that is such a personal choice. Ambivalence clouds the issue and doesn't make it easy. Is your ambivalence b/c of them or you?

anonymice · January 2012

Well Sas, for my case anyway, my ambivalence is because of both of us. This thread has helped me sort my feelings out, which have changed over the last few months...I absolutely don't want to hurt her in the least, but I don't feel a "hole in my heart" without her at all and for now, I'm done with her.

At Mom's funeral, I was kind to her and hugged her and talked to her, but I didn't want to be with her and didn't receive any comfort from her being there. I only acted as I did because I didn't want her to hurt - she must be feeling as bad about my Mom as she does me. My mother was very, very good to her over the years; comforted her, make her wedding dress and bridesmaid gowns, was the mother that her *own* mother was not.

So, at the funeral I could be that strong person, look her in the eye, and listen to her, comfort her, and make her feel better...my free time though? I have friends and loved ones that were there for me from day one (of cancer), and those are the people who I want to spend time with, and laugh with, and support through *their* hard times.

My perspective might change in the future. When I'm sure I'm not going to die soon, perhaps I will miss her - perhaps I'll think completely differently. Right now I'm in my 16th month of active treatment so I'm still "in" it. I do not owe her anything now, I'm going to send her a nice thank you note, and be done with it.

Reality · January 2012

Very perceptive, SAS - YES! My ex is a good person, in spite of all our differences, so I was trying to help him save face. We live in a nice small-town, but gossip spreads like wildfire. I'm not into playing the gossip games, but my ex always worries about what people are saying or thinking about him - he is quite insecure. Some of his guy friends have stepped-up to the plate and are keeping him busy. I believe he also realizes that the time had come for us to part ways. We were both drawn to each other 14 years ago in a rebound relationship following previous divorces. I believe we both stayed in the relationship as it was somewhat comfortable - It is no long comfortable, so time to move on!

sas-schatzi · January 2012

Pan-you handled it quite well----can't say that I would have, but you did and you have nothing to look back and say could I if have done a do over-----You handle it with grace, good for you

Ananda- hate small town gossip b/c they never get it right-------they are coming to support him. are you getting the same support?----------he has his guy friends----whoppee------, they don't get you had a relationship for 14 years, might of been a BFF with benifits relationship. What support have they given you. Clucke'em--------Yes time to move on and leave the cluster to themselves. They will never understand. They get themselves, football, and beer. They will die lonely, and won't undersand it.

Galsal · January 2012

Have a dear friend that was too busy to talk with me when I was first diagnosed. Even now, she doesn't seem to want to talk. I've not given up on her yet, but it is saddening. I'd really thought she'd be one to help out during recovery and all, even if just to stop by and chat. Hardly likely at this point.

truebff · January 2012

Anandagram,

Somehow I think something/someone much more enduring and nourishing is around the corner for you!

This could NEVER happen while you were holding onto the tatters of something that couldn't cover you.

I have seen this over and over with the most remarkable and lovable women when they hold tight to a short-change relationship. It's like they are trapped. They can't or are afraid to move on, but they are being starved alive in what they continue to hold onto.

Now that he's gone, you get to get really beautiful -which you are- and I believe you now have the opportunity for *real* love to show up.

Are BFFs or friends letting you down when you need them most?

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