marriage troubles, need some words of wisdom

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tbear17
tbear17 Member Posts: 10
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

am feeling so low right now.  Married 2 and a half years ago.  we had some communication issues before my dx but things were fairly good in our marriage.  I love my husband,  He says he loves me even after all of this. We had been trying for a baby, I miscarried at 8 weeks, a month and a half before my dx.  He has been there for me through my dbl mast with a second reconst. surgery and chemo.  We havent been intimate since before chemo started, but he said he understood.  I am not feeling very attractive with my new body and chemo has packed on 10 lbs. so far.  We have both been seeing counselors individually.  I know that I have taken a lot of my anger and frustration out on him, Im no angel.  He just told me yesterday (the day our baby would have been due btw) that things are bad with us, and he wants us to see a marriage counselor.  This is on the heels of us making a decision with our onc to postpone starting tamox to try for a baby.  he let me agonize over this decision and then told me that he wanted to hold off on having kids for now.  There is a very small window of opp for me to have kids.  I am brca 2 and need to have my ovaries out before 40, and 5 years tamoxifen, it's now or never.  I am devastated.  I know I shouldnt want to bring a child into the world if our marriage isnt strong enough to hold together, but I've always wanted to be a mom and I cant help but feeling that if he takes that away from me Ill never be able to forgive him.  I'm 32, and have been getting trelstar injections each month to put myself into menopause to protect my ovaries.  On top of all of this, I was fired from my job as a nurse after my dx bc (I just graduated school a year ago) I needed to take 6-8 week leave and was only entitiled to 3 weeks, I am now interviewing in my wig with my too tight suit.  We closed on a house 2 weeks before my surgery, so we now have a mortgage hanging over our heads too.  I don't know how much more I can take before I am broken.  I'm just wondering if I'm going to come home one day to divorce papers, or if he's only hanging around bc leaving me during my treatment would make him look like the bad guy.  Not sure what to think anymore. Sorry for rambling, I just wanted some advice from ladies who have been there. 

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  • coraleliz
    coraleliz Member Posts: 1,523
    edited January 2012

    Your husband is agreeable to marraige counselling & that seems to be huge for a guy. My husband was never. When I was having reoccurring miscarriages & seeing a couselor, he'd always ask me if I was still seeing the "shrink". I chalked it up to ignorance on his part. Your post reminds me of a very sad time in my own life. Things got better for us. We did finally have a son. We are still married. I'm also a nurse BTW. Sending good thoughts your way. Hoping things get better for you soon.

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  • Chickadee
    Chickadee Member Posts: 4,467
    edited January 2012

    Just reading your challenges made me anxious. In the back of my head i kept thinking "stop and take a deep breath". Maybe it's the perspective of someone who is 60 rather than 30. You want so much and you feel the clock ticking and its all getting overwhelming.



    That your husband wants to sort it out with help is HUGE. Few men want to talk. Yours does. He's a keeper. Some time spent figuring out the priorities of the life the two of you share will go a long way to easing the tension. I know you can't see it now but life is a journey, a tapestry of so many things. Your threads are only starting to weave. You seem to have a good partner for the journey no matter the joy or sorrow that comes your way. Wrap your arms around him and take it one step at a time.

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  • Blessings2011
    Blessings2011 Member Posts: 4,276
    edited January 2012

    Aw, tbear, God bless you. You are going through so much right now - of course you feel fragile!

    You said that both you and your husband have been seeing therapists individually. That's a wonderful opportunity to be able to express the things that are going on inside each of you, to a person who is not there to judge you but support you and find new ways of coping. Good for you both for going.

    Marriage counseling, however, takes two people, together.  And the fact that your husband is the one who suggested it would give me great hope that he loves you, believes in the two of you, and wants your marriage to succeed.

    It's easy to think the worst, when it seems like the worst is all that's been happening to you. If any ONE of the things you had listed had happened to you, the stress would be incredible. With so many things happening, you need a break and you need it now.

    My marriage was not always good. My husband was NOT a communicator. His first response at times of crisis was either to leave, or put up a wall of denial. Things came crashing down a year ago...our relationship was damaged to the point where I wasn't sure there was anything worth resurrecting. It tore us apart. (FWIW, I am a retired counselor.)

    We slowly began building up our trust again, through a combination of prayer, therapy, and commitment. Shortly after that, he was diagnosed with severe kidney disease. I stuck by him, and things improved. In September I was diagnosed with breast cancer. He became my biggest advocate, and a partner in my survival.

    Like Chickadee said, perhaps it's being 60, not 30. We married later in life, and didn't have to navigate some of the rockier sections of the road. We learned to not sweat the small stuff, and to cherish the big stuff.

    You've already survived so much....but when you spend your time worrying about all the bad things that COULD happen in your future, you are throwing away the chance to be happy right now, today, this minute. If it were me, I would take my husband up on his request, and go into marriage counseling with an open heart and open mind, and the desire to create the partnership that you both need.

    You are in my prayers, tbear.

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  • Layla2525
    Layla2525 Member Posts: 827
    edited January 2012

    Wow,just reading it made me exhausted. You must be exhausted from carrying all that in your spirit all day. I think you are on the right road with counseling,you cant take all that all the time. Its too much. Your hubby is scared too but the guys are not allowed to say anything,they gotta be men and they gotta be strong for us. I was married twice but finally realized I just cant be that close to anybody so now got the fiance for 10 yrs and we do the philosophy "live in separate houses and visit often". thats katherine hepburns quote. If you are a religious person draw on that and if not get lots of good counseling or both religion and faith and counseling and laugh a lot..that covers a multitude of sins!! Any still marrieds wanna jump in?

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  • debbie6122
    debbie6122 Member Posts: 5,161
    edited January 2012

    Tbear- Everyone gave you great advice, I wanted to comment on you not feeling good or attractive right now, we have all gone through that. I know i sure did. I cryed everytime i looked in the mirror and hated taking a shower. It is over 2 years since my tx's ended, I did not have recon but i feel better than i had in a long time, you will too hopefully, This is all still fresh and new for you you just need some time. Try to get out and walk, or join a health club when you feel like it, you will start to feel a little better. 

    Please keep us posted we are all here for you! Sending hugs and best wishes your way!

    Warm hugs,

    Debbie

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  • tbear17
    tbear17 Member Posts: 10
    edited January 2012

    Thank you so much everyone for the good advice. I can't tell you how much better I feel after reading these replies.  I'm thankful there are wonderful people like you all that understand what I'm going through. 

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  • tbear17
    tbear17 Member Posts: 10
    edited January 2012

    things have gone from bad to worse.  I told him a counselor can help with our issues, but that if he just doesn't have feelings for me anymore, they can't fix that.  I asked him if he even wants this to work and he reluctantly said no.  I've slept in our guest room the past 2 nights.  We are still seeing the counselor tonight but I can't help but think this is doomed.  I never thought I'd have to deal with my husband falling out of love with me during cancer.  He says it's not the cancer and that it's been an issue for awhile.  I thought there was hope until he said that.  I'm trying to stay optimistic.  Hoping I'll wake up and realize this was just a nightmare.

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  • Chickadee
    Chickadee Member Posts: 4,467
    edited January 2012

    Oh tbear, I'm so sorry. Another cancer kissoff. He's not a keeper after all.

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  • kiley56
    kiley56 Member Posts: 164
    edited January 2012

    Awe tbear, I'm so sorry, similar situation happened to me.  Your in my Prayers....Please take good care of you !      Many Hugs and Prayers,    Kiley

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