reappearing family and friends

Not a lot, but a few.  I actually got a call from my high school sweetheart!  I haven't spoken to him in over 7 years.  We were innocent high school sweethearts, if you know what I mean, and then friends as adults.  He found out about my diagnosis through an email forwarded around and looked me up to say Hi.  It was weird. 

I had a few people call or send notes.  I'm kind of not sure how I feel about it.  On one hand, it's nice that they care enough to reach out. On the other hand, yeah, where have you been otherwise.  I'm kinda torn.

I had lots of people fall off the face of the earth once they found out I had bc.

You are so right Leah...as usual...one of my dearest friends didnt call me not even one time...just 1 email all during tx...now i got an invitation to her daughters wedding..yeah right!!!!!!

Yes, my father went from writing me two nasty, accusatory, bitter letters a year to suddenly inundating me with whiny letters about how sorry he feels for me and how he wants to hear my voice and bla-bla-bla. I have spoken to him once on the phone, but otherwise make poor dh deal with him.

I had it the other way around...the case of the disappearing family and friends.

Argh! Just had a call that made me think of this thread. This woman, whom I have known very superficially for several years, called up to invite us to a charity event. I said that i was sick. "Ohhhh yes, I heard something like that, but didn't know if it was  just a rumor, and I heard last week but thought I wouldn't call you in the middle of Christmas." So really she was just dying to confirm the rumor and the reason for the call was a pretext. Then I got the usual, "my friend Nancy had it and she is fine," followed by a lengthy and excruciating account of how my "friend" put her knee out of joint a few months ago.

I found that my closest friends were not my biggest helpers, and in time I came to understood why -- they were reeling with shock and grief, just as I was.  The ones closest to you hurt the most.  I learned to give those closest to me the most margin for error in my heart, and excuse them more quickly when they didn't tend to my needs.  I mostly just felt bad for being the cause of so much pain to the people I love the most.  

A very tender-hearted friend at my church, who I never heard from once after my initial diagnosis, came to me six months later in tears, so ashamed that she had not even sent me a card, and begging my forgiveness.  She said she was so smothered in grief that she cried every day for a while and knew she just couldn't face me without crying -- and she knew that was not going to be helpful to me.  This was not offered as an excuse but rather as an explanation.  She knew she could have done better and she was sorry. That meant a lot to me.  

I think there were other people in my life who experienced the same thing. 

On the other hand, it was the people on the periphery of my life who really stepped up to the plate.  I was really humbled at the number of cards I received in the mail from people I barely know, particularly when I think about how bad I have been about sending cards to others.  

I think until I get better at showing up and being there for other hurting people, I probably shouldn't complain about the people who didn't show up for me. I'm working on it. 

I do think I am learning from my own trials -- I'm becoming more compassionate, more observant and sensitive, more open to letting others voice their pains and fears to me.  And I think I'm becoming better at saying helpful and sensitive things back to them.

Those of us who have walked through fire have had our senses exercised in ways other people have not.  We can be among the wise if we choose to rise above, forgive, and love with an open heart.

I figure if we have to go through this awful trial, we at least ought to grow from it and become better human beings who can help others.

Hi lulubee,

My family and I were really shocked to hear some of the things our ( friends) have said to me after they are told I have Breast Cancer and was having surgery to have both breasts removed and not having reconstriction done.  1.) well everybody has to die sometime. 2.) why in the world would you have both taken when it's only in one breast? you must be crazy. 3) I had a friend who had the same thing happen a year ago and they didn't make it. 4.) friends that I have been on several cruises with never called, e-mailed, or sent a card????????. But, on the flip side I have had the most loving and caring support from other friends and family that make all the other comments seem small. I have a friend that called me every day for a month before my surgery and has called every day sence. She lives an hour away and had her husdand drive her here in the morning and would stay until late afternoon. She brought food for the week. Another friend did the same thing on day's that the other one couldn't make it. My sister-in- law also brought food over every week. Another sister-in-law brought me several Willow Tree Angels. I have angels all over my house inside and outside. One of my good friends even took the day off on the day of my surgery to be there for me and my husband and family. I had 10 people in the waiting room. So I guess the bottom line here is when your in a really really bad spot you find out who will be there for you. I have been blessed with great friends and a wonderful family and supportive and caring husband of 43 years and counting.  It's funny but, as time goes by being 5 months out I still get the loving phone calls and support. My daughter has told me several time. Mom, those that matter don't care and those that care don't matter.

God speed to a healthy and cancer free 2012. Keep the faith my sisters in pink.

Shirley

lulubee-Thank you for giving me another perspective on it all....

Tori 

Good for you, Jankc.  I've had a sad experience dealing with my father. He lives only 6 hours away and I have tried in the past to have a relationship with him.  We've had a very difficult relationship where he's disappeared and I always thought that was somehow my fault. I tried to fix things over and over again and he just never responded.  I finally gave up and folks had to tell me it wasn't my fault, the he blew it and was missing out on a wonderful daughter. He doesn't write, call, visit, or even send a birthday card.

Now that I have cancer, he's calling and emailing.  I call these phone calls "Cancer Calls" since he didn't call before. I created a blog to update folks on what is going on and just posted something about how scared I am feeling. My father emailed me in response about how when he was 23 he was told he had cancer and wouldn't live so he learned to live one day at a time.  All I could think was so he's spiritually at living a day at a time, yet he still abandoned his daughter.  I ended up sobbing.  I appreciate the fact that he's trying to help. Still where was he before?  I wrote, I visited, I invited. Nothing.  Now I have cancer and he's trying to be a father.  Oh, God, I knew this would make it hard.