My sister is forever changed...help!

This is a difficult situation, and I hope you can get some help from people who've actually solved the problem.



I would say that she may need some help. I'd bet it is a bit more than her wanting the attention and missing it. For maybe deeper reasons, being a cancer patient may have really entered into her basic understanding of herself.



Maybe I'd try to talk to her about her feeling of being neglected. That is the price she pays for being in the kingdom of the well. When one is very ill, others can let it disrupt their lives, but when you are well, what you get is the busy normal life. Maybe she could tell you why she's finding it difficult to be well. Maybe she felt a little neglected before she had cancer. Maybe she needs to find new things to do. Or perhaps she could return to the cancer world as a survivor and volunteer. If she is helping people much more involved with long- term cancer, her past treatment might seem less interesting.



I'm sort of guessing here. It might be that having cancer was one of the most significant events of her life; I could understand that! If so, she could start to use it constructively.

Sisterhelp- Hi, well you said it yourself your sister has gone through a lot and she has from what you said. Do you think you could talk her into coming on this forum and talking to someone who has gone through what she has? This forum has been a lifesavor for many of us and it may help her. Its hard when all treatments finally end when all you did was fight to live and get through treatments and yes even all the attention stops too, but when it does you dont feel like it is over, there is no cure for breast cancer it is treatable, but it is always in the back of your mind with every ache and pain. Im 2 years out but it did take some time adjusting because it does change your life forever.

Breast cancer is a crap shoot, you just wait for the other shoe to drop, but after 4 years she should be ready to enjoy life, maybe counsling wouldnt hurt.

Please talk her into coming here, she will get lots of support and advice from a group of wonderful women here who understand. 

We are here for you too, it effects everyone not just the person going through it, If we can help let us know and we will answer any more questions you may have. Keeping your sister in my thoughts and prayers as well as for you too.

Hugs,

Debbie

She's not doing this for attention.  She's been through hell and back - it's not really something you can understand unless you have also been through this.

People very commonly talk about devastating things that have happened to them, until they don't need to talk about them anymore.  And yes, it's the same thing over and over.  

If you would like to hear the perspective from a different side, I believe the "depression,anxiety, PTSD"  section has many threads that are entitled things like "so now I am just seeking attention?".  

This thing, cancer, is not over for her.  Every day she faces problems that were caused by her treatments - I can say that because it's just the way it is, after chemo, a double mx, and a  hysterectomy.  The rest of the world is tired of hearing about it, but she is still in emotional and almost certainly physical pain or discomfort.  These things, they don't just go away.  You pay for your extra time, dearly.

I don't mean to seem harsh to you but understand - we so often read posts from women who feel isolated, angry, frustrated, hurt, and so alone because other people are sick of hearing about the cancer.  It is wonderful that you have been there for her, and you are only human, you want to move on.  But understand, she may very well not be able to do that.  

I wish the best of luck to both of you!  Perhaps your sister would like to come here and talk with others that understand?

sisterhelp.....I don't talk about BC anymore. that's why I'm here. When i have an Oncology appointment and nervous women here can understand the fear as well meaning family & friends would say <Everything is behind you don't even think about it>

Unfortunately it doesn't work like that.

Maybe your sister needs some support from women who went through it.

Good Luck to her

♥

Sheila

I think bc does change a person, and your sister may never be the person she once was.  That being said, you can love her unconditionally, with all of her little quirks, as she has been through quite an ordeal.  You can just be there for her when she needs you...that is the best you can do.

Sister, sorry if I made you feel bad. But the thought of someone saying cancer survivors play it up for attention - well that got me riled up. Doesn't take much sometimes

It's a time of my life I'd like to forget but the constant aches, pains, my ugly reconstructed breasts, all the blasted pink ribbons everywhere - the reminders are ever present.

I think it's great you want to help your sister. But does she think she needs help? If the answer is yes, these boards are a good place to share things with some of the few people who really understand. There are also counselors who specialize in working with cancer survivors.

The thing for you to remember is that cancer is a profound, life changing event. It's not like the flu or a broken arm that you get over without any lasting damage. Particularly breast cancer, with so much stigma attached to it, so wrapped up in our notions of femininity...  Her cancer is now permanently a part of who she is and hopefully you and your family can accept that and still support her.

wow - you ladies are so diplomatic.  My hat is off to you.  Sisterhelp - have you ever considered agreeing with her?  She HAS been through a lot, she IS a victorious warrior, her courage to go through the treatments she did by far surpasses that of most of us.  Not everyone does survive what she has.  I think she does deserve congratulations.  I see others here who I know have lost loved ones (myself included) to this vicious disease and I'm sure there isn't one amongst us who wouldn't love to be able to hear our loved one ask for a little more attention....just one more time.  Like I said, the others are far more diplomatic than I.  What I wouldn't give to be able to praise my mum just one more time for what she went through.  But you see, sisterhelp - my mum died.  Three months ago today in fact.  So forgive me for not being as diplomatic and kind as the rest of these people are about your complaint.  In my books, it's far better than the alternative!

I have been reading this thread and am finding it very interesting......Every woman is so very different.....for myself I chose to tell only a select few people about my BC......figured if I need chemo eventually everyone will know......but until then it is my secret. I purposely do not talk about my BC....When I was first diagnosed I found myself fixated on it and could see in the few that I did tell, including my husband.......that people were already tired of hearing about it...and hearing about my concerns & fears........now since my lumpectomy and finding out my path results I have not talked about it at all.......went to my RO Friday to set up radiation.......called my husband afterwards on the way to work and he didn't even ask me about anything....I briefly told him I have to have radiation 33 times and that was it......To him it seems to be as if I have had my wisdom teeth removed and it is done....I feel like this is partly my fault however as I tend to act like everything is ok all the time and smile constantly......I would like to add at the end here that my Mother suffered cancer for 19 years........started in her kidney......spread to her lung, gall bladder, and brain......the 2nd brain tumor took her out in 8 months flat.......she hardly ever said a peep.....me being in my 20's at the time never had a clue what she was going through....I was too busy being a single Mother of 2 & going to school...and she hardly ever complained....then in 2006, during the last 8 months of her life....I was driving her to every appointment....& taking her to the emer room a few times...including once on Christmas Eve.....living an hour away made this a bit difficult for me...I am an only child so there was no one to share the driving with.....I always smiled in front of my Mother.....but inside I was thinking, I am ashamed to say......How annoying it was to have to take time out of my life to drive her around to appointments...her drinking & smoking caused all this!!!!...I am self-employed, too busy etc etc!!!.......and she would call me everyday and not remember things because of her brain tumor......so I would have to explain her weekly schedule over & OVER again and she STILL wouldn't get it right..even if written down...it would not make sense to her..I would get so frustrated!!!!!...One day near the end.....I was looking for Hospice......then took her to one of her last doc appointments......we were just sitting there talking and laughing about silly stuff......she thought it was so funny that she couldn't remember stuff.......then all of a sudden she looked at me very seriously......and said......"I am so sorry I got cancer"............I felt like such a creep at that very moment......We just cried together and I told her that she had nothing to be sorry about ever!!......Being a very independent woman.....she hated me when she was delivered to hospice by ambulance....screaming my name.......DRU how could you do this to me!!!...........after awhile she calmed down so I took her for a tour of the place in a wheelchair.......it was a BEAUTIFUL place!!! Flower gardens and huge aquariums!!! I remember showing her the fish and her saying...."When I get better can I feed the fish everyday??"  Then we went to the cafeteria and had her favorite ice cream.....butter pecan.....I wish I would have known that would be the last time I would ever have a chance to talk to her......she slipped into a coma that evening.......I never once told her how proud of her I was......My experience with cancer has been nothing so far compared to hers.....She went through all of that basically ALONE....how TERRIBLE!!!!......and now I am on the other side...I have cancer...it is only the beginning.....and my 21 year old daughter says to ME last month after I tell her I have breast cancer.........Oh Mom, you'll be fine......

She is her Mother's daughter as the saying goes.......as I am mine.......

Oh If I could have that time with her back....I would tell her how proud of her I was as often as I could!!!!

Sorry so long........When I started writing I had no idea where I was going!!! I will delete if this doesn't belong in this thread........

hugs to everyone........

Sisterhelp, my mom had ovarian cancer 5 years ago. She too was very lucky, tolerated treatment well etc. As with your sister, it seemed like she has been unable to move on. That is how I felt about it a year ago.

This last year I was DXed with BC. So far I have been lucky and have tolerated treatment well. However, I will never be the same. The ordeal of cancer will loom large in my life for a long time (hopefully) to come and it will alway be part of who I am now. Even when treatment goes well it is quite horrific. I understand my mom a lot better now. try to cut your sis some slack. Cancer is not the flu, and as you well know the reason the docs can't say she is cured is that it is a chronic illness.

your sister is forever changed..

magine losing both your boobs, being on meds and having a hysterectomy.  just imagine what chemo is like.  I think she would really enjoy the company of the like stricken. (us)..

best of luck as you move forward sis and try not to be irritated by your sister.

I'm sorry, I an not saying this to be mean, but this is not about you.If you really think about it, did you walk for your sister, or for yourself? My sister and friends keep asking me about the 3 day or the 5 K etc... What are your concerns that are specific to your sister, and not your own feelings.Is she not smiling, not laughing, not going to family functions? If she is compairing what she went through to someone else's hang nail, or pneumonia, she will forever. I think that illness, pain, and stress is all relative to the moment, and will change a person forever. I would never love my sister any less for responding with "at least you are still alive," but it will make me internalize it, and not say anything to her the next time.