A husband who has rendered me speechless

How in the world could he know you are using your cancer to get out of things? He sees inside of your mind? He is a trained expert in the effects of cancer? I think i'd tell him that expert advice is crucial in for a solid recovery; if he'd like to accompany you to a doctor's visit, to discuss which of his ideas are realistic, that's fine. Otherwise, he has to realize that your listening to any amateur advice is at best risky and at worse lethal.



He is an amateur. He needs to consult with experts or stop criticizing you.

misswim...I am so sorry you have to deal with this.  Hang in there...it will get better.  You will start to feel better physically and then you will be able to sort out this whole dh thing.  Things always look better in the morning, they say.  And I know for a fact that things always look better once you are able to get back to exercising ....so hang in there.  And remember that you are not alone.  Anyone that has been married knows what it is to question that marriage.  And many of us who seem perfectly well married continue to have that question come up.  I have my doubts many a time.  We are in marriage counseling now, and I think we will make it...but whoever knows?  You are not alone...hang in there.  I will be thinking of you...

I am going to remember the dickhead comment, deborye.... and i have a good husband.    even tho he does drive me bats upon occasion... in fact i'm going to remember it all the time..  heh

seriously, about every other day, his dick takes over his brain.

Send him to Massachusetts, I'll kick his sorry ass for you, 

missswim.... i feel i must apologize... i do not mean to trivialize your situation with humor.  you have some tough stuff to deal with.

What a horror story!  It doesn't sound llke he has any empathy at all.  Sort of like my son who doesn't believe that breast cancer kills anyone and he's a dr.  He got a dog the day I went into chemo.  I am horribly allergic to dogs so now I will not be able to babysit my grandkids anymore.  Basically, I've been eliminated.  And he thinks he's done nothing wrong too.  

 I sent him the video of Martina McBrides song
"I'm Gonna Love You through it".  It's a great little utube that shows how it's supposed to be.

If you need release, go see "the girl with the Dragon Tatoo".  I walked in not knowing what it's about but there's a scene where she attacks a man.  I won't go into detail but you could feel every woman in the audience enjoying that scene, including me!  I'm not sure there is a woman alive who has not wanted to do what is done in that movie to some man sometime.  Good luck!

I feel I must chime in.  Three weeks ago I had pneumonia.....felt like death and my DH tells me to "move around more and you will feel better."  I felt like I had the flu, temperature 104, couldn't breathe, so I  go to the ER and I am admitted to the hospital with pneumonia.  He felt like an idiot.  I believe in karma "what goes around comes around."  He got sick too about a week later chest congestion, fever, sore throat and he is still coughing.   

My 75 year old mother would stay with us and do laundry, cook, clean for a few days after each chemo session.  DH and DD, who was 15 years old at the time, complained that she got on their nerves, but neither one of them would lift a finger to do anything to help out.  So I had to listen to them ask the same things over and over for 5 months..."when she coming, how long is she staying, does she have to come this time."  

My husband was an only child.  His dad was an alcoholic and his mother a frazzled mess. My childhood was totally different from his...2 sisters and loving parents who took us to church every time the doors were open.   I really feel some of his cold heartedness stems from his childhood.

I'm so sorry. I too, am speechless.

Perhaps you should ask that selfish, lazy little boy you married if HE would like to have the cancer for a while.

OK, I've said my rant. Seriously, you have to tell him that counseling is the next step in the healing process. I am a thirteen-year survivor and I am telling you the road is long and winding. If he thinks this cancer stuff can just be put on the shelf he's completely deluded. 

seriouslythen.. I'd let it sit for a couple days.. write out what you want to say, kindly.. so you have your communication to him thought out. 

guys have all sorts of crazy ways of dealing with this.. perhaps he is crazy scared for you and wants to shake you up.. they think so differently than we do..As my friend says.. I am just a man.. I can never do anything right when it comes to my wife.

then i'd have a heart to heart.  For me, I've found it better to keep all my retorts and snarky comments buried inside where they can do no harm.  I am full of them.

Miss Swim,

How about this approach; you both need to reprioritize household responsiblities which include chores, bills and kids activities.  He feels as if you use cancer as an excuse?  Well show him that you don't. 

Maybe if you map out what you both do and bring to the table, he will see that you do a lot, despite of cancer...and if you show that you do more (work, eat healthy, do 60% of the housework, 80% of the kids activities etc) vs his work and no activity, less of a share of a household chores, he won't be in a position to critize much if at all.

I would sit down and write out what you did pre-cancer and what you have done during treatments. I would write down what he did pre-cancer and what he picked up during your treatments.  My guess is that he didn't do much if he is complaining that he has to do his own laundry. 

You have a son?  How old?  What additional responsiblities did he take on?  If he is going snowboarding he is old enough to do laundry and help keep the house organized too.

For example laundry--I do it 95%.  I carry it up and down the stairs, wash it, do the hand washables, dry, fold and put away.  When I couldn't do all of this, my 10 year old carried it up and down, my husband and 8 year old would start the washer and put into the dryer, my 10 year old would bring the dry clothes back to me, which I would fold, and every family member was responsible for putting away their clothes.

Beds--I make them. But my kids learned to make their own every morning when I couldn't.

Kitchen--I clean it 90% of the time.  But my husband would do the dishes with me, while one kid would sweep and the other would spray and wipe the countertops.

Would this work for you?

Swim, you are awesome.  Love your last two sentences.

I second Corinne's sentiments!!!

Glad to hear you got the apology you needed, misswim. And I'm glad you have some time apart, so cooler heads (and warmer hearts) can prevail.