A husband who has rendered me speechless

Wow!!!! Not very nice... I'm speechless too. Go in your bedroom and shut the door or the day, put on some head phones. Take a pain pill and go to sleep. Good lord!

those silly husbands

OMG.  Sorry but your husband sounds like real winner!!!  Maybe he is in denial about your illness. You and he really need to talk to a professional before his hurtful remarks destroy your marriage. Sending you a big cyber hug and wishing you a Happy Healthy New Year. If I could I would kick his a** for you.      Eileen

misswim,

Your husband is Unbelieveable!!!

I cannot understand how anyone can go cancer treatment and then have a husband say these things to you....

You are a courageous and brave lady with obviously a "huge" amount of self control. 

Why not book yourself a relaxing massage or some treatment you would enjoy, take some time out for yourself. 

Take care,

Ali 

misswim

Your husband sounds alot like mine.  Mine called me a fat, irritable,achy, moody depressed cow because of the side effects of the AI.  The positive person in me tries to remember that he is upset about all this too.  The other side of me? well I would like to kick him in the you know what.

Hang in there....take time for yourself.  And come here to vent all you want.  (((((hugs)))))

I think all of us would be happy to put a call in to him... email works too! 

What is so amazing about all this? Most of us are not that surprised! Men can be the biggest babbies. They have know idea how strong us women are. If they had to spend just one day managing the things we do in our sleep... then throw some cancer on it! Oh yeah you men, we came to play and KICK SOME ASS!

Chin up, you are not alone! 

Wow, sorry you have to deal with that. Is that out of character for him? May be his way of coping to take it out on you. I would certainly be having a discussion with him about why his comments are completely out of line.

misswim, I agree with druane are our husbands related?  My husband can be quite selfish also.  If my back hurts, his does to except much worse than mine.  If I have a cold he has a horrible sinus infection! The conversation always goes back to him.  I better look up narcissistic symptoms!  Men can be such babies.  Just ignore him for a few days, don't cook dinner or do any household chores and see how he likes that!  If he says something about it tell him the cleaning fairy must have missed your house!lol 

I'm so sorry, as if you didn't have enough going on.  Grow some balls...REALLY...maybe you ought to snip his. 

Might be worth telling him to "grow some brass ones" and start treating you properly - who the HELL does he think he is - I too wish I could reach through the computer and straighten him out - suggest you "go on strike" until he apologizes.

Big hugs, Sandy

misswim,

it sounds like he was assigning YOU some new years resolutions. Ask Him, what about his? how is he going to improve himself (you need to lose weight??? what about him?) get your act together? what about him? are there areas in which he can improve being a husband and a father?? oh and something that frosts me, you were thinking about the way the year sucked - that which happened, he was thinking about the way YOU SUCKED.

sheesh

Focus on making this a Happy and Healthy Year!

Men get weird when they don't have any control over things, like bc.  Sounds like 2011 was out of control as far as he was concerned, and this was his attempt to declare to the universe (through you) that he hasn't totally lost control.  Also, getting dressed and going to a party (albeit even for 45 mins.), could have sent a mixed message -- like "I'm well enough to go out when I want to" -- because he missed the subtlety that you were making an extraordinary effort for him.

I'd definitely let him know how hurt you were by what he said.  Chances are he either already knows or hasn't got a clue, but either way I think he needs to be told that while you understand some of his concerns (like the financial thing you acknowledged), you are not fully recovered yet and won't be for awhile, and the bullying and mean words were extremely hurtful and not the least bit helpful.  Best to have it out with him (IMO, if it comes to that), because continuing to dwell on what happened without confronting him won't be good for your health.   (((Hugs)))  Deanna

If your husband lost his mom when she was 35, he must have been pretty young at the time. I can't imagine what that loss must have been like. 

Not to make excuses for him, but I wonder how much of his craptastic behavior today was based on his really WANTING and NEEDING you to be "over this" and "better" ASAP. I get the sense he'd like to drop your "non-terminal" cancer deep down the memory hole, far away, where he won't have to think about it ever again, and can then he can avoid the fear of losing you the way he lost his mom.

I am sure that seeing you at your worst - physically depleted, bald, exhausted, and with a million aches and pains -- is bringing back all sorts of undealt-with emotional baggage and hard-core FEAR for him. He must have seen his mom go through all of that, too, and the outcome was really horrible -- probably too horrible to deal with unless he had good counseling.

As any married woman can tell you, men can be pretty dense about their own feelings, and they can go to some pretty awful lengths to avoid acknowledging them. They can be especially averse to expressing pain, fear, and loss, since those are all things that make them feel weak. Some men will go to great lengths not to hurt inside or be afraid, including being jerks and blaming other people for their problems, since the resulting fights take the emphasis off their own issues.

It's possible your husband has no idea why your cancer is p*ssing him off so badly; he just desperately needs it to go away.

Obviously, this doesn't help YOU, since you are in need of support right now, but here is one thing that may bring some healing. If you can calm your own hurt and anger enough to do it, try feeling a mother's tender compassion toward the young boy or adolescent your husband once was, imagining what he must have gone through when he lost the most important woman in his life to cancer.

Imagine him sobbing alone in his room, as his world rocked and spun and crashed around him. Imaging putting your arms around him in comfort, and how alone and lost he must have felt. That scared, lonely, hurting, crying little boy is who you should try to see when you think of the great big grown man who just lashed out at you.

If a tiny kitten hissed at you, or even bit and scratched you, you would not take it personally, but realize it is acting from a place of being scared and small and just trying to seem tough. I try to remember that we are all like that tiny kitten when life makes us re-live scary places where we once were small and hurting.

I know that what you most need now is for your husband to comfort you, and to tell you how much he hurt you. And then to reassure you that everything is going to be all right. But Jesus in his wisdom told us that whenever we think of what we most want people to do for us, we should turn around and do exactly that for them.

If you can swallow your pride and set your pain to the side, this strategy really does provide healing. I say "if" because it is a very tall order to find it within yourself to comfort when you want to be comforted, and to forgive when you want to be apologized to. But nowhere is this approach more healing than in a fight with your husband. Unfortunately, I know this firsthand because I am the poster child for hurt feelings and endless agonized days of misery, pain, bitterness, anger, and silence, and I only just now learning to take baby steps along that healing path.

I know this has been a long post, but I want to end by wishing you love and light on this difficult journey. Your BCO sisters are here supporting you all the way and sending warmest thoughts of healing, along with unlimited willingness to listen and provide sympathy. What you can't get from your husband right now, try getting get from us and your other girlfriends and family for a few days until your husband gets back in a safe place where he can provide you with the love you need.

DH= Dear Husband or DICK HEAD!!!  Most of the time my choice is DICK HEAD!!!