Aging Parents Anonymous

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  • althea
    althea Member Posts: 1,595
    edited December 2011

    karen, I hope you're safe and sound back at home by now, and same goes for your mom.  My mom stopped driving on freeways years ago.  I'm so grateful she let go of driving.  Its good that you're able to visit them this month. 

     wahine, how is your mom doing?  

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited December 2011

    Yes Karen, Hope your travels were safe! Are you going home or to your DD's in Canada? I forgot. I know it was hard leaving your parents, but it was wonderful you were able to be there and give them so much help, getting things figured out!
    My mom is almost well from being sick, but my dad said her memory is deteriorating at a very fast rate. Makes me very sad, as I know she is more depressed when they are back in Hawaii. She is much happier in their home here, and I just wish my Dad would let them come back and stay for a long time, while she still would enjoy it. Thank you for all the concern!

    Hugs and Merry Christmas Girls!

    Kathy

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited December 2011

    Kathy and Althea....I'm in Toronto with my DD and SIL....I fly home to Denver on Sunday.....Denver got 1 1/2 feet of snow last night and today....

    Mom let me drive to the airport...she was so funny...she sent me an email when she got home saying she didn't make any wrong turns and stayed in the white lines....Mom doesn't need to give up driving...she does fine in the city....

    It was a good visit....Mom is still so overwhelmed by it all,but seems a bit more settled with decision making in regards to Dad.  I;m thinking of going back down again in February....Whenever I'm at my folks Dad wants to know when he is going to see me again.  I feel better after seeing Dad and Mom....I don't think Dad has deteriorated since I was there 2 months ago so that was reassuring....

    Kathy...glad your mom is doing better.....would your dad consider leaving HI and staying in AL year round except for maybe vacations to HI?

    Well...its late so going to get ready for bed....

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited December 2011

    So glad your mom is dealing with things better, with all your help, Karen! Also glad you didn't notice any more decline in your Dad. That is very good. I get sad everytime I see my mom, as she is going downhill so fast. Then, there are times when she is so sharp and knows what is going on, and I wish those times would not decline. THe idea when they bought this house (I had to do all the work finding it, dealing with the hard-nose seller, closing, and getting all the repairs done, a lot of it I physically did myself), was for them to move here. They already had a large townhouse here that I also fixed up and did all the negotiating, buying (I had POA over buying homes for them). But that wasn't enough to get my dad to move here, although initially he told my mom he WOULD move here when I mentioned to them that this lake house was for sale, or we wouldn't have bought that house. The houses are a limitied number on the lake here in our subdivision, so I heard about it thru a friend that is sa neighbor there...., and its the largest yard/lake frontage.and oh boy the residents in this gated area who would ALL love this house, could not understand why they only "visit" here and do not live here. She has told me that if she was ever stuck in bed, she would want to be in their sunroom and be able to look out on the lake everyday. Now I worry that she will forget about even having this place here, that she loves. OR worse yet, to forget about me. She and I have always been extemely close, but my sister who has been VERY mean to my parents for years, has suddenly been sicky sweet to them and acting like she cares for them. I guess she knows she should be on their good side now that their days are numbered. That part makes me so sick, esp since now my parents do not seem to remember how mean she was. I don't feel I should recall it for them, but it really hurts. Glad you missed all that snow Karen! Hope the weather is better on Sunday for your travels home.
    Happy Christmas Eve Eve everyone!

    Kathy

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  • Sierra
    Sierra Member Posts: 1,638
    edited December 2011

    Hi Althea:

    I just read your post, have not been here in ages

    and recently lost both of my parents

    It surely was not easy dealing with it,

    for some of the reasons you mention here

    and several others.   In fact, my health started

    to suffer, so do take good care,  It is a good idea you have started this thread

    so many in need

    Feel free to PM me, if desired

    Sierra :)

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  • sam52
    sam52 Member Posts: 950
    edited December 2011

    Sorry,Sierra, to hear of your loss.

    I miss my mother so much and now am caring for my father age 93 who is becoming more frail and confused, but lives over 100 miles away. I am trying to give him good Christmas but it is not easy.

    It is a very sad time to realise that our parents are declining.

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  • JFV
    JFV Member Posts: 795
    edited December 2011

    Don't post here much.  My parents are 5 minutes from my home.  86 and 87.  They are doing well but Mom developed pneumonia 3 days before Xmas.  She is recovering well.  But, I am becoming a nasty, angry witch.  I spend a couple hours with them everyday and today I almost lost it.  I could not face buying mustard and a waterpick and explianing to my father how my mother's Kindle (that he'll never use) works.  I got short tempered with them and of course feel guilty about it.  Any hints or tips for anger management would be appreciated !

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited December 2011

    JFV....are there any aging resources that can help you with your parents...I was just at my folks last week (they live in S. FL and I live in CO) and at times I felt frustrated with Mom...I think its because I have trouble seeing her getting old.....First off...don't feel guilty.....I've shown my mother several times how to use her camera that she never uses...Maybe with the kindle give your Dad abbreviated directions knowing he is not going to use it.....I don't really have any good advice, but come here often to vent with us....

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited December 2011

    Oh JFV, we can tell how much it bothers you, or you wouldn't have asked for tips. Maybe before you go to visit them, you can put yourself in the mindset that they are going to frustrate you, and perhaps you can be prepared for that. THEN, if they do frustrate you, you will expect it and maybe not get so angry. But if they are not doing something or asking something that may frustrate you, you will be pleasantly surprised. I have more patience with older people than with kids, as I realize they usually had very productive lives, and now, through no fault of their own, they cannot function on their own. I also try to remember how much they did for me when I was little, and now they need our help. BUT that said, my Dad does aggravate me when he gets mean....but I do not show it to him. I also like Karen's idea to give them abbreviated directions. Years ago, before my mom was having problems,she always needed help with her computer. She liked it that I was patient with her and tried to explain things simply and slowly, as she said my siblings always got impatient with her. So I also try to remember that, and that they are frustrated having to ask for help, and that they can tell if we are impatient with them.

    Like Karen said, come here to vent! We all are getting support from each other.

    Hugssssss,

    Kathy

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  • JFV
    JFV Member Posts: 795
    edited December 2011

    Thanks ladies !  I

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  • althea
    althea Member Posts: 1,595
    edited December 2011

    JFV, I have a number of things come to mind when you mention feeling irritable.  Does it happen only when you're with your parents or at other times also?  I know I have much shorter fuses for some things than others.  Things that used to irk me about my mom I have let go.  Adjusting expectations can go a long way.  We can't expect our parents to be the same as a decade ago any more than a child can be expected to sit still for very long.  If it's a matter of not really having two hours daily to spend with them, seek some support to avoid resentment building up.  If you notice it more regularly in other settings, I would be wondering if your blood sugar levels might be spiking or some other kind of imbalance going on. 

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  • otter
    otter Member Posts: 6,099
    edited December 2011

    Sorry, but I can't endorse the suggestion wahine offered, of expecting to be frustrated by your parents when you go to visit them.

    I spent the last 4 or 5 years of my mom's life knowing I was going to get frustrated with her, and expecting she would say things that would make me angry.  I didn't want those things to happen, but I expected that they would... and, of course, they did.  The closer I got to her house (a 2-day drive), the more I recalled the worst of the incidents and the more tense I got.  By the time I arrived, I was already thoroughly p*ssed off, and my evil twin took over.  At least, that's how it feels in retrospect, now that my mom is gone.  I cannot believe I let my disappointment with our relationship and my frustration with her govern those last years we had together.

    JFV, what you're saying is so familiar.  I'm visiting my widowed MIL as I type this.  We (dh and I) have been here for a week, staying in my MIL's 2-room apartment and sleeping on the sofa bed in her living room.  She is a dear, sweet person whom I love very much; but I'm finding it harder to be patient with her idiosyncrasies.  Today, my dh went on a grocery run for her without finding out precisely what type of toothpaste and peanut butter she preferred.  Three phone calls later, he still didn't know.  She insists, "Oh, it doesn't matter -- they're all the same!", but dh and I both know better.  She is very "particular" about everything in her life.  I think it comes in part from having to give up nearly everything and fit what's left into a tiny apartment in a retirement center -- that, and the fact that she cannot drive and is pretty much house-bound.  The home aide service helps a lot with shopping trips, doctors' appointments, and housekeeping; but it's not the same as being on your own.  So, just as I am getting irritable, I imagine she is getting tired of our suitcases and other stuff all over her living room.  <sigh>  She is a kind-hearted, compassionate person, though, and I've never heard her say a mean thing (well, hardly ever) in the 28 years I've known her.

    althea, I sure wish I had found a way to "let go" of the things my mom said and did that irritated me so much.  If I'd learned how to do that, I would not be feeling nearly so guilty and regretful today, and she would have been a much happier person.

    otter

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited December 2011

    Sorry if I offended you Otter. I guess I look at things differently than you do. If I expect the possibility of my parents frustrating me, then I can be prepared ahead of time. That is all I meant.

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  • otter
    otter Member Posts: 6,099
    edited December 2011

    Oh, no, wahine... you didn't offend me at all!  I'm sorry if my comment came across as harsh. I understand your strategy -- in fact, it's that sort of thinking that got me through my "cancer year":  hope for the best, but plan for the worst.

    I wrote and re-wrote the first sentence in my previous post half a dozen times, but I couldn't figure out a way to say, "Hey, this might not work for you."  (Maybe that's how I should have said it!)  Each of us brings a unique family history and set of memories and behaviors to our relationships.  What works best for one person -- what brings her comfort and/or relief -- might not work at all for someone else. 

    When something bad happens to me, I tend to replay that tape over and over in my mind.  (I know I shouldn't do that.)  So, as the date of my next visit with my mom would get closer, my memories of all the tension and harsh words would crowd out the memories of happy times.  There were a few years in which I actually dreaded our holiday visits, because I knew there would be hurtful comments made and tears shed.  (There are other family members who've had key roles in our melodrama.)

    As for those "expectations"... What I needed to do was "expect" that my mom and I would get along, and that our upcoming visit would be happy and loving.  Perhaps if that's what I was expecting, that's what would have happened.

    It's a very personal thing for me, maybe so personal that I might come back and edit these recent posts. You didn't say anything wrong.  :)

    otter

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited December 2011

    Thank you Otter, I can see what you meant now. No, don't change your post, there isn't anything wrong with it. Thank you for your response, I feel much better now that I understand what you meant. And it IS good to get all of our input with our different ideas, and like you said "What works best for one person--might not work at all for someone else." We are all here to help and support each other!

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  • JFV
    JFV Member Posts: 795
    edited December 2011

    I am so thankful for you ladies !  Your thoughtful comments are a big help.  All your input helps me reflect on my own situation and sort things out in my mind.Here is what I think I know already.

    !. I am a perfectionist and prone to depression

    2. Mom spent the 3 days before Xmas eve in the hospital with pneumonia so visiting her, and organizing the party for 25 people at her house fell to me.  My Father has always been useless when it comes to these things and now that he has mild dementia forget any signs of help.

    3. One of my sisters came out to help Xmas eve and created more trouble for me than help.  I left her for two hours and she promised to do a number of things.  She did none of them.  When I was super busy with last minute food prep she decided she HAD TO make an appetizer and said she could do it alone and then asked 10 thousand questions.

    4. I suggested to my parents that is is time for me to move in with them or quit my day job and spend days with them.  They said no.  Yet... everytime I see them they have a list of about a dozen jobs I need to do for them

    5. Yesterday, beside the whole Kindle thing Mom told me she really needed mustard.  There was a half bottle of mustard on the table I was sitting at.  I said "you have mustard right there." She said I know but we go through it fast."  Somehow the mustard crisis just made me crazy !!!!!  

    6. I know I have left over anger from a number of family issues with my parents and siblings.  Some I have been able to address, some need therapy and I know some will never be addressed because of who my parents are today.  They are in many ways not the people who brought me up.

    7.I feel that I am neglecting my own teenagers because I come home drained everyday.

    The good things are:  I just found an excelllent free book onKindle that talks about emotional baggage in a way I can understand and deal with.  My kids don't really need me.  My sister is coming in from California and will stay Until January 9th.  She will actually do things for Mom and Dad so I don't have to.  I only see them two hours a day.  They pay me for caring for them.  They thank me for caring for them.  I have people like you to vent to. 

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited December 2011

    JFV, Looks like you were able to organize your thoughts and feelings so well! Good idea to sort things out like that. I think you did real well, considering all the circumstances you were facing. Please vent here whenever you need to! Your comments in your last post will prolly help some of us too, by looking at things in a different way, esp by thinking about the good things!

    I am sad to see my parents decline, but need to remind myself they are 91 and 95. And still take care of their own homes, and can fly on the long flights from HI to stay here and visit. My mom and I have always been so close and enjoy doing the same things. She prefers their home here, plus being with me, so gets depressed when at their home in Hawaii (even though she grew up there too). I know when she is depressed, that her memory is even worse. Plus, my dad is demanding and gets upset with her when she forgets things. I think he doesn't like facing the fact that she is declining. But my mom is SO sweet, and if she ever says anything negative, it is because my dad said it to her, and she just agrees with whoever she is with. My sister never got along with my parents (or with me), and was very mean to them for several years recently, but the past 2 years has been sicky-sweet being overly loving (but phony) to them. OF course, she wants to take over their home in Hawaii and live free at one of the best beaches (sometimes rated best in the world). I don't like her ulterior motives. But if she moves in there, and it allows them to move here, that might be a good trade-off. I know she doesn't help them when she is there. Right now I am trying to get a lot done while they are in HI, so when they are back here, I can just spend time with them. That got me really behind for CHristmas, since they were here till Dec 3, as I wanted to spend as much time with them as possible. And I don't regret it. My problem is dealing with my Dad when he acts mean to us (his nature). So if I prepare for that ahead of time, I can handle it better without showing him I am upset.

    Hope all you lovely ladies, and caring daughters to our aging parents, have a great day!

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  • JFV
    JFV Member Posts: 795
    edited December 2011

    Wow wahine !  You have alot on your plate !  What is it about fathers and sisters !  Yeesh  !  How long do your parents stay with you ? The sister who drove me nuts left our family for 7 years and we all think she is back for the money my parents have.  She is recently remarried and keeps mentioning how well off her new hubby is.  But, she also keeps mentioning how well off my parents are.  I have all the financial and medical control and I think it drives her nuts.  On Xmas eve I was cleaning up and walked upstairs to put something away I came up behind her and she jumped a mile in the air.  She was walking into my father's office which is where he keeps all his financial records. It is also where the computer is.  She said she was gonna' check her email.  But, man did she look like I had caught her with her hand in the cookie jar !

    Mine can't fly and probably shouldn't drive.  They can do alot of things around the house.  But, it really is too much house for them. 

    My son just suggested I take the dog for a walk after a session with my parents. He also suggested we find a video game that we could play together to relieve tension.  He is such a sweety !  I think I will try his advice. 

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited December 2011

    Awwwww JFV, How thoughtful of your son! Sounds like a good plan. My parents have a home here, on the lake, in our subdivision....the sunroom almost sits on the lake! That is where my mom loves to spend her time, reading, painting, etc. Thought when we found that house, that my dad would finally want to move. NOT! Previously my parents had divorced when I was a kid, and each were widowed within a yr of ea other (actually my dad married several times!). Then they got together and remarried almost 8 yrs ago, which was a very good thing, as they can take care of each other. So my mom and stepdad moved to this area yrs ago and she loves it here. After my parents remarried,we bought her house, and she moved most of her things to HI (even her car). Luckily we kept some of her nice furniture that I didn't want, but was too good to get rid of. Because she realized she missed it here, so we first found a townhome near us for them, and were able to furnish most of it with what I had held on to! They enjoyed it, but just came a couple of times a year...couldn't get my dad to come more often. Of course we (mostly me) redid the entire place and made it so nice. SO for them to buy the house on the lake, we said we would buy the townhouse from them, to rent out. Not that we wanted to, but its a bad market right now, and I don't think my dad wanted to have 2 properties here. Then I had to totally redo the lake house...last spring/summer. Its big---2500sqft. Just this past summer my mom shipped her car over, but right now I really don't like her to drive much, here. They usually stay at least 2 months at a time. Then we take care of things when they are not here. My mom is so happy here. My dad is the one who is 95, and we all are amazed at how much he does, physical work, all the financial stuff, etc.

    Whew....now that was a lot to read!!!! Gotta go and work some more....take care!

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  • Sierra
    Sierra Member Posts: 1,638
    edited December 2011

    Hi Sam:

    Tks for your post, and sending lots of sunshine for you on your path with your Dad

    It is not an easy road, and honestly, I wish that I had asked for help along my path

    Like some of you here, I did not have help from the other siblings, and interference

    from other family relatives was in the mix

    I did my best to help both of my parents, but you see they would not listen

    they would not let me, so, was advised by my caregivers and a lawyer, to step aside

    just do what I could do, and I did

    I would share, that of course people when they age, are on many meds, so at times

    you just dont know what is true, what isnt, and Im not sure if you have your folks yet in the N Home, another story to deal with

    Anyway, sending out Happy New Year's wishes to all of you!

    Take a break for yourselves and dont feel guilty.  Everyone here is so giving

    dear parents are blessed to have you.  Be well!

    Sierra

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited December 2011

    Sierra, Thank you so much for the kinds words for all of us. And for sharing what you went through. I am so sorry that you have lost both of your parents, not sure how I will deal with that when that time comes. My parents aren't on many meds...my DH and I are on more meds that they are! I really think they are healthier than we are too, except for the memory. I am glad you had advice from caregivers and an atty. You can just wear yourself thin and only can do what is physically and mentally possible, while keeping your own health and own sanity. Mine still live on their own,so am thankful for that. GOOD ADVICE for everyone to take a break and not to feel guilty!

    Sam, Hope you are doing ok too, taking care of your dad. And I also hope you were able to have a nice Christmas.

    Take care, girls!

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited December 2011

    Mom called earlier....she got the results of the MRI...Herniated disk...she told the neurologist that she is not in any pain and he told Mom that he treats the patient not the xray...neurologist is sending mom for PT for balance and gait...he also told Mom that she should see a psychiatrist for meds....thank goodness...when I told Mom this, she said her pcp can do it...that pcp is comfortable writing the Rx...too hard to argue with Mom so let it go...but Mom told the neurologist that she is so stressed etc....and she is.....she is on anti-depressant and has Rx for Ativan PRN...and sleeping pills...when I was there Mom said she didn't take an Ativan once!!!  Mom is just soooooo overwhelmed with it all...I beginning to be more worried about Mom that Dad....I was talking to my gf today at lunch and she goes..."you know your mom isn't doing well!!!"...yes I do, but not sure what to do about it....Not sure if the route is her counselor or what....Mom takes meds for "leaky pipes (you know the commercials)....and she still can't always make it to the bathroom....yesterday driving home from the care giver support group (10 miles) mom had to go to the bathroom and could make it home...from the way she said it, it sounds like she wet her pants...this isn't the first time...Mom said that she didn't have to go before she left.  She has changed her mind again regarding Dad.....she now does not want in home support for him as she says that everyone says that is not the way to go...so she is going to have my Dad go to the senior day care....it is a locked facility, but now that doesn't bother mom...last week she felt it wasn't fair to Dad to have him in a locked place...he doesn't need that level of  care.....The hard part for me is seeing Mom struggle so much with it all....She loves where they live in Florida....the community has a lot to offer and she has friends, but she won't ask them to help....and of course they are all my parents age and older.....So I will keep doing what I'm doing and going to see them every couple months...will plan a trip for mid February....if need be, DH is supportive for me to go monthly, but right now, I think that is more than I can handle.....My brother called me last night to get "my take" on Dad....now this sure surprised me as I haven't talked with my brother in 2 1/2 years...we don't have a relationship...won't go into the details, suffice to say its because of his wife!!!! The relationship has been lousy for over 22 years!!! He is not very supportive of my folks and I know that frustrates Mom....my brother has his own health issues, but still he could do more than he does for the folks.....I pretty much told him that alot of what Mom needs is someone to talk with, to be able to vent when she needs to, but my brother is not one who will let her do that and his wife...well thats a whole other story....don't get me started.....I'm so glad that this thread is here for us......

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  • JFV
    JFV Member Posts: 795
    edited December 2011

    Karen, you really have your hands full.  I am so sorry both your parents are struggling so.  Have you looked into a Geriatric Care Manager ?  My local hospital has one.  For a fee this person will come to the house interview your parents and their doctors and sort of do an assessment and suggest what is best for your parents as far as caregiving goes.  I think that person would even talk  to your Mom;s counselor if it was OK with your Mom.  Maybe the new facility your Dad is going to has a person. 

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited December 2011

    JFV...I was just at my parents last week and we did have someone from "CARELINK" come to the house and do an evaluation....the person works for JFS where my Mom's counselor is.  the hard part is that Mom does not see herself struggling except for all that she is handling in regards to my Dad....its a very touchy situation with Mom as she does not see herself as old just overwhelmed!!!  Thanks for your suggestions.....

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  • JFV
    JFV Member Posts: 795
    edited December 2011

    Oh Karen I can so relate.  My mother is in some sort of denial also.  I think this is the point where we say... It's their lives and their mistakes and we can't protect them from everything. It sounds like you have done everything you can.  You are a good daughter and they are lucky to have you !!!!!!!!

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  • wahine
    wahine Member Posts: 8,231
    edited December 2011

    AMEN, JFV. Karen really is a good, loving daughter, and cares so much about her parents! I like what you said about realizing we can't protect them from everything. We are all doing the best we can, and with love and genuine caring and concern. And its nice to be able to vent here, and either get ideas and suggestions, or just understanding. You all rock!

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  • karen1956
    karen1956 Member Posts: 6,503
    edited December 2011

    Wahine and JFV...thanks so much for your kind words and all your support.  Mom called today....Daddy is going to go the the senior day care that is at the JCC..it is related to the Garden Bridge program that he went to that he can no longer attend...and the wonderful news is that they are go to charge Mom the same for the new program as the Garden Bridge....that is a huge relief financially for my folks....as the day care program is $70/day and the other is $200/month...Mom is going to send Dad 3 days/week......Mom sounded relieved.....And they told Mom that Dad does partiipate and that they will take pictures so she can see.  But regarding herself and the neurologist saying she has a ruptured disk, she kind of poo-pooed him, but will go for PT...Its one day at a time.....You gals are the best !!!! :)

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  • JFV
    JFV Member Posts: 795
    edited December 2011

    Great news Karen !  Hopefully when your Dad is settled your Mom will have a chance to take care of herself.  

    Happy New Years ladies !  You are all doing such a great job with your parents.  They are all so lucky to have you !  Thanks for being so kind and letting me vent ! 

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  • althea
    althea Member Posts: 1,595
    edited December 2011

    JFV, my mom is a perfectionist also, and it used to be a trait of mine also until I kicked it to the curb.  It sneaks back every now and then, and in moderation, it's not a bad thing.  It's a type of behavior that I find extraordinarily draining.  Always pretending life is perfect, anything less than perfect is to be given a blind eye. My brother was dx'd with prostate cancer in October.  She never speaks of it.  I actually find it easier to be around her now than 10 years ago.  

    I get a lot of mileage of readjusting expectations. Things like the mustard debacle -- clearly, the planet will continue to spin if the last half of that jar is all they have on hand.  Same goes for the party your mom had planned.  The planet will spin one more day.  The true question is how many days will you be on it with levels of stress going through the roof?  As you transition to caregiver, one of your priorities really needs to be you.  Just as the airlines insist that adults put the air mask on themselves first, children second, you are not being selfish by putting some of your needs first.

    Finding a pace that you can manage will carry you a lot further than doing every little thing now only to burn out.  For something like a jar of mustard to put you over the edge, that spells stress in all caps to me.  Then stress makes you forgetful, and you might go to the grocery and forget the dern mustard and there you are all over again stressing over a condiment.  Of course, we all know it's not just the mustard.  It's a symbol of all the expectations piling up. Your mom's illness came on suddenly, so be patient with yourself and your family.  It will work out.  

    Karen, I'm glad your dad can go to the new place three times a week.  That will give your mom a chance to chill out.  I hope she can become less anxious and get some proper rest.  

    Now that we've made it to new year's eve eve -- I think it's now safe to say my mom got through 2011 with just one uti.  yee haw!  She had 2 bad ones last year, and I'm so glad she's doing better this year.  I'm going out of town for a few days and I'm getting her stocked up with food.  I'm bribing a friend and neighbor with food and she'll go to my mom's house next monday and tuesday.  Of course, mom thinks she can manage it all on her own.  I could tell she was resisting the idea today when I reminded her Diane will come next week to make lunch that they'll eat together.  We went through all this in september when I travelled, and my mom and diane enjoyed their time together.  Daily companionship gives a lot of mileage in her well being and I'm not going to risk a backslide.   2011 sure went by fast.  

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  • otter
    otter Member Posts: 6,099
    edited December 2011

    althea, I've been surprised and thrilled with the reaction my MIL has had to her home aide service. 

    I don't know what to call the home aide workers.  They aren't "home health" aides, because their services aren't covered by Medicare and they don't provide nursing services.  They do stuff like catch up on light housework (vacuuming, putting away the dishes, cleaning in front of the commode); fixing a favorite meal or bringing food my MIL likes if she isn't very hungry; taking her to doctor's appointments; doing her grocery shopping; going with her to the mall or to the apple orchard; or, even just playing cards with her or having her give knitting lessons.

    She pays for this home aide service out-of-pocket, but it's much cheaper than the cost of an "assisted living" facility.  She's in an independent living facility now, but she could not stay there without the help of the home aides.  She has become dependent on them ("Oh, don't worry about that -- Becky will take care of it when she comes on Friday!" or "I'll put it on the list for Sandy to get when she picks up my groceries").  If anything unusual happens, the supervisor calls us right away and we sort it out. 

    What's interesting, and relevant to your comment, is that my MIL refused "companion services" as a part of her contract with the home aide service.  She insisted that she didn't need anyone to "keep her company" -- she preferred to be alone.  That's really not true, though.  She has always had people around her, and has always had an active social life.  Now, even though she lives in a retirement center, she's more isolated than she has ever been.  So, even though she doesn't recognize it, the home aides are providing her with companionship every time they call to check on her or stop by with some ice cream or bring her a book they think she might like.   She just likes to do things according to her own schedule, and the home aide service is happy to oblige.

    otter

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