Loss and loneliness

thatsvanity - she is always with you, you know that, it is just in a different way.  And, yes, sometimes the only thing to do is dry your face and go to bed.  I hope tomorrow is a brighter day for you.  Sleep tight.

bak94 - I just had a long awaited visit with my friend that is just like yours was - I am sorry you don't get to have those laughs - can't imagine what it would be like to lose her.  So sorry!

I think, like specialk said the holidays seem to make it harder. I also lost my beautiful sister and mom. I cryed this november on my sis's BD and still cry for my mom too. This christmas was really hard on me and my other sister. And of course my dad is having a really hard time.

Im sorry you are having a hard day, you will always miss her but it will get a little easier.

My sympathies to all of you who have gone through losses. 

Gentle hugs

Debbie

We just got through our first Christmas without my Mum, too.  It's so hard - you're right, it really does hit in waves.  I often have the tears rolling when I'm doing supper dishes, that's when I used to call her and we'd review our day.  This is the first Christmas morning that my hubby and I have woken up without Mum here all excited to rip into presents, and we've been together 26 years.  We got through it though and sure wouldn't wish that Mum was still here in such horiffic pain.  We lost my dad two days after Mum passed October 1, so it's been a very rough time for us.  My hubby was diagnosed with esophageal cancer two days after Dad passed away (talk about a one two three punch!) so he is in recovery now after surgery and we will start the New Year with chemo and radiation for him.  Today is our 22nd wedding anniversary and we count the blessings we do have as we go forward and feel my parents guiding us through the maze.  I sure do miss them both though - and tears are never very far away. 
Love to you,

Margi

and I don't know if this website will let me post this or not but I've made my parents a Christmas present - I did an online tribute to them.  THAT was also a huge help to my psyche - I could feel them both pushing me on, making their tributes look just "so".  I felt like a little kid when I got it done, knowing they'd both be so proud of me.

 Here's the link - the video of my Mum is something my daughter put together.  

Let's see if the link works?  If not, you can just type this into your browser and it should take you there.  I apologize to the moderator if this contravenes policy. 

  http://www.newstartventures.ca/Memorial_Tribute.php

sorry for hijacking your thread!  I promise I'll shut up now! 

Yup, I understand loss and loneliness - this would have been my 38th wedding anniversary - dh passed away two years ago - my beloved sister passed away 8 years ago from bc - I used to cry every single day when my sister was sick and then when dh was hospitalized (155 days) but finally I can remember them and smile about all the good times - it's been a long struggle but working as a volunteer at the local hospital has changed my life (who'd have thought I would end up working in a hospital of all places) being around people is when I'm happiest and also when I am online with all of you.  I wish you all a Happier New Year.

Sandy

My mom died on August 22nd, 2011, just two weeks after I turned 27. After caring for her all these years while she battled cancer and heart failure has aged me and I feel like I've lived 70 years, not 27. I don't know how to go on living for even 27 more years without her. Life is tough, but then I come here and read stories like Margie's who had to deal with the death of both her parents, and then find our her husband has cancer also, and I realize that if you think you have it bad--there is always someone out there who has it worse. You're not alone--and you're not the only one dealt a bad hand in life. 

 I can't imagine 2012 being any worse than 2011 was for me. All I know is that after the loss of my mom, I can no longer be the same person I used to be. I can no longer be carefree--ignorant to death and sickness and its impact. I can no longer be fulfilled, because there is always going to be a hole in my heart that misses my mother. I can no longer be happy for extended periods of time, because even when I laugh or do something I used to enjoy, there is a pain inside me that just doesn't go away and my mind cannot forget all that it has been through with my mother's sickness and death. 

I wish you all a Happier New Year as well... 

Happy New Year!  Well guess what?  We all got through New Years Eve and our lost loved ones would have been proud of us for making the effort.

 Sandy, my heart aches for you and I imagine that you are getting great solace in working at the hospital, helping others.  I think you and I are very similar that way.

 Apple and Amy - I think you two are about the age of my daughter (she will be 30 this year).  I think death is a lot harder on the younger people than those of us who are older.  I am 52.  Death is a part of life and life has a 100% mortality rate guarantee - no one gets out alive.  I think, as we age, we are better able to accept that fact. 

Yes, our lives ARE forever changed because we've lost loved ones but...it doesn't have to be all bad, either.  We are blessed to have had these people in our lives and we have such wonderful memories of them now. 

My daughter is having a very rough time of it as she was very very close to Gramma.  They spent every new years eve together, a tradition that was started in her childhood because it was our anniversary and Gramma was always happy to babysit.  That tradition morphed over time and the two of them planned their yearly party (that eventually included my daughter's daughter who loved her "GG" immensely) on New Years Eve and it lasted right up until last year.  Last night was her first new year's eve without Gramma and she was totally dreading it.  My daughter has a great new man in her life now who tried everything to make her night ok last night but I know it wasn't an easy night.  

Yes, we are forever changed - but would they want us to be wallowing in grief?  Nope. So where's the offswitch?  There isn't one, but I think there is a volume dial and we do have the ability to dial it down so that we can let ourselves take a break from the grief - if only for a few hours at a time.  Over time, those times do increase.  I lost my grandfather (who really was more of a father to me) when I was 24 and I was completely devasted then.  It does get easier, but I still miss him every day. 

Can you imagine how happy our loved ones would feel if they saw us letting ourselves feel happy for a few moments?   That's what I'm trying to do to honour my parents, dial down the grief every now and then and allow myself to relax and taste the new stuff on my plate.  Life does go on, albeit differently now, but we are all on our own individual journies here.  We've all hit a horrible mud puddle in our roads this last little while and we are still stained from it.  But our moms/dads/sisters/husbands wouldn't want us to lay in that mud puddle for the rest of our lives either. What's that saying?  Don't cry because it's over - smile because it happened.  Pretty schmaltzy, I know but there is merit to it.

Here in my office (I work from home), I have life size pictures of my parents right ---> there.  They are happy pictures of them and I love watching my parents watch me with smiles on their faces.  Everyone deals different with their grief and this is my way.  I also have my Mum's remains - she is now my little Genie in a Bottle and I find huge comfort in being able to talk to her.  I know we will have to scatter her ashes to the wind in the spring, but for now - she stays with me.

Thank you for the comments about my parents - Amy that pic of my Mum in that dress was when she was 1st runner up at a beauty pagent in Las Vegas!   I'm so proud of my little Mum!  

I didn't grow up with my dad and that picture of him in his bio I just found for the first time when I was going through one of his boxes here in my basement a few weeks ago.  I really didn't know him when he was that age (45), so it was a real treasure to find that.  I've blown that picture up and that is the picture I have at him beside me here.  I love it.  It's a wonderful journey I'm on now as I go through my dad's things - I am learning so much about him and loving him a little bit more with every step. 

I think this is a great thread - it's helping me a lot to be able to talk to others who know my pain.  I hope it's helping you as well.  

Group hug.  

Margi - we seem to have a lot in common - I too was married on New Year's Eve (1973) in CALGARY - I lived there for 3 years (it's where I met dh) - we lived there for five years together - I still have many friends there but haven't been back for a visit for 11 years, maybe soon.

Hugs to you, Apple - I am so sorry.  You and my daughter are very much at the same point in grief.  I wish I knew the words to comfort you both.  I do know that things do get better with time but that doesn't make anything better now, today, in the moment.  I know it does help to keep talking about it though, so please know that I am always here to listen.