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MissyMouse
MissyMouse Member Posts: 5
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I was really tough through diagnosis and double mastectomy.   I just had my exchange surgery on December 12 and treated myself to a facelift at the same time (I REALLY deserved it after having over come Leukemia in my 20's, currently fighting rheumatoid arthritis, got word I beat hepatitis C after trying 3 times and now getting rid of breast cancer).

Anyway after handling things so well, now I look at these lumps on my chest and I feel detached from them, like they are not a part of me,, they are not boobs, they are just these things that the doctor put there to help me look normal and less freakish. They are not mine and I want mine back.

 Is it weird to handle things so well and then have trouble this far into the process?

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  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited December 2011



    Missy Mouse, I would call you normal. Going through all the crap that this disease brings with it does tend to make you question yourself in many different ways but wanting your boobs back is not something that you should feel weird about ....... I'm sure there are many of us would like things as they were pre BC. If you think this is a real problem and one that is interfering with your recovery, perhaps a little councelling may be in order.

    Good on you forgiving yourself a gift many of us would like!!

    Love n hugs. Chrissy

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  • fredntan
    fredntan Member Posts: 1,821
    edited December 2011

    I think no one really thinks we have lost a body part .none of your doctors really address that..



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  • vanlex
    vanlex Member Posts: 121
    edited December 2011

    I don't think you are weird at all.  I can totally feel where you are coming from.  I had my double mastectomy on 11/14.  I am a heavy girl, and I liked that my boobs gave me proportion.  Now the "lumps on my chest" are nowhere near what I had before, and I am havng a hard time dealing.  I look like a pear, and I am not happy at all with that.  And now, I am about to lose my hair with chemo and I am afraid I am going to spiral into a dark pit.  I have tried to be upbeat and positive during the whole process, and that coupled with healing from the actual surgeries, and the holidays and maintaining a positive front have left me exhausted.  Eventually, the cup shall runneth over.

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  • CLC
    CLC Member Posts: 1,531
    edited December 2011

    I prefer to think that we are all normal...it is the world that has gone all weird.  You have been through a surreal experience.  It is totally understandable to wake up at the end of it all and resent it, hate it, be sad about it, want to go back in time, want to go forward in time, to be relieved or any other feelings that come to the forefront.

    I was really in command of everything...felt on top of my decision making, felt on top of my emotional well-being, allowed myself my feelings...everything was going okay until about 3 1/2 weeks after the mastectomy.  Then, I felt like I wanted to change everything in my life.  My job, my marriage...(For me, the issues that came up later were not related to my mastectomy directly).  Suddenly, unexpectedly, emotional turmoil and havoc.

    I think we are entitled to say to heck with worrying about what is normal...we are entitled to feel it all.

    In my case, I decided that my husband and I needed help.  We are going to counseling together.  I am considering possible job changes. 

    If your feelings are too much to handle by yourself, consider counseling.  It might help you sort out this unbelievably difficult time.  There is another thread that I started that has many women discussing these kinds of things "bc has changed me"  Some of the women there have said they are suffering ptsd (post traumatic stress disorder)...

    At any rate, I hope that you find some clarity and peace in all of this.  Even though my circumstances and treatment choices are different than yours, I can definitely say that you are most definitely not alone in feeling...intense emotions...maybe even a little "run over" by breast cancer.

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  • barbe1958
    barbe1958 Member Posts: 19,757
    edited December 2011

    As women, we are used to handling crisis. We CAN lift that bus off our child who is trapped underneath. We have incredible resources of strength. BUT, at at cost. When it's all over we collapse in tears. We let out our frustration and fear AFTER the fact. With breast cancer a couple of things happen. One is that it's never over so the fear continues. The other is, you can consider it over when you have finished your surgeries.

    Once the treatments are finished it's now up to you to be upbeat and happy. Really??? You're still reeling from all the crap that just happened!!!

    Give your body and soul a chance to heal. They've been working overtime lately and need their time to heal.

    I'd had a reduction in both breasts years before I had cancer. I never felt that those breasts were mine. It was like looking at someone else's (GREAT!) breasts on my body. Creepy, but true!! I went without recon after my double mast and it's been 3 years living flat and I believe that helped me heal faster.

    We all recover at different rates, so don't let anyone push you to "get over it". You won't hear any of us say that! So this tends to be a good place to vent your anger and fear.

    Time, sweetie. It all takes time. AND, if it continues, or debilitates your ability to work, it may require a chemical intervention. SO many of us are on multiple meds to help us through the day. Cancer takes a BIG hit on your self-confidence.

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  • profbee
    profbee Member Posts: 858
    edited December 2011

    I just had my exchange on Dec 19th, and I was hoping for my alien TEs to start feeling like real boobs...not yet.  Also, I feel totally stressed out now...chemo over, just doing Herceptin and Tamoxifen...feeling like now I can exhale...so that leaves me time to worry.  I look on the boards and I wonder how you can do everything they say to do and still get mets.  It scares me, and it seems like a forever fear.  I did the same thing....one foot in front of the other I courageously attacked my treatment BMX, chemo, losing my hair (twice...argh), and now I'm more afraid than ever when everyone thinks I should be happy and done!

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  • anoym
    anoym Member Posts: 26
    edited December 2011

    Dear Missy Mouse....Please don't feel weird. I feel all those things. I just started on this board about 2 weeks ago. I felt guilty that all I needed was a DMX no chemo, so I figured I don't have anything to complain about. Well screw it. I never knew how much I would hate my implants. I just had nipples on December 1 so they are done. What I've told myself if in one year if they still bother me as much I will do something about it. I can't make any more decisions now. I never really liked my boobs before but I would love to have them back. So keep venting it really does make you feel better and know you are not alone. People just don't seem to get it either. My sister in law said to me,"it was so easy for you, you went through everything so well." That made me want to scream from the mountains that losing breasts is never easy. Take care,

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  • MissyMouse
    MissyMouse Member Posts: 5
    edited December 2011

    Thanks for all the replies ....  I'm on disability for my RA so I don't have to worry about this affecting my "work".  I'm still able to go through the motions at home (cooking, cleaning, laundry blah blah blah).   I'm due for the last of the reconstruction surgeries in mid January (nipples) and just have this "I don't give a crap attitude" sigh.  I have a good relationship with my husband but have not let him touch me or help do the required massages ... I just can't.  He is a very patient caring fella so I don't anticipate any problems there.  I'm just so pissed off at myself that all of the sudden I can't seem to get over this hump.  My medical team is awesome when it comes to listening but I'm just so afraid to let them know maybe I'm not holding up as well as we all thought.  I get mad because I feel like I should be greatful that it was only DCIS (high grade, comedo necrotic) and that it is gone.   I guess it's just time to put my big girl panties on and try to get up the nerve to talk to them.

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  • profbee
    profbee Member Posts: 858
    edited December 2011

    Okay, that's hilarious  It was so easy for you.  Yes, it's easy to be this bad-ass.  Fortunately, I am the coolest chick you'll ever know, so that was cake.  After my exchange surgery my hubby's facebook status was, "I don't know if you know this, but my wife is pretty much bullet-proof."  :)  (He knows it isn't easy, but he's also been very supportive)

    I had a friend say how much she wished she could have a boob job too--um...yeah...that isn't exactly what happened here.   

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  • AmyIsStrong
    AmyIsStrong Member Posts: 1,755
    edited December 2011

    There's no timetable for this stuff. There's no 'should' on how well we ought to be doing at any given point. This stuff just sucks.

    Wishing you a peaceful heart.

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  • profbee
    profbee Member Posts: 858
    edited December 2011

    Ah, Missy, missed your post while I was posting.  Amy is right...there's no timetable.  You've had the scare of your life.  Hubby isn't melting away.  It sounds like he'll be right there for you when you're ready.  There's no comparing to anyone else.  Take care of you.  I've said this elsewhere, but I really feel like when you're in the thick of it, you just move forward holding it all together, and then when things quiet down...and it sounds like that's where you are now that your reconstruction is done....it's kind of time to fall apart.  :)  I'll bet when you do talk to your docs they will say this is really typical. 

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  • Laurie08
    Laurie08 Member Posts: 2,891
    edited December 2011

    Barbe said it wonderfully. I was a champ through it all, until my exchange, I cried going in and I cried coming out of the surgery. Don't remember much of it. I was depressed going into it, depressed coming out for a couple of months. I couldn't understand what my problem was. Coming out of surgery I was told the only thing I would say is "this sucks, I don't want to do it anymore."  No matter what they were asking me, that was my response.

    So yes you are normal- it's a bumpy road and we don't know where the bumps are, we just have to keep on going down it.

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