Emotionally Handicapped DH

There's a lot to be said for the guy who will take care of all of the practical crap for you.  I suggest you make it really really plain what you want.  In the case of my dh...I had to say that if I was crying, I didn't want him to get me a tissue.  I wanted him to just hold me while I cried.  He didn't need to say or do anything at all.  Just hold me.  He needed those directions.  He followed them pretty well.

Don't judge the man entirely on his ability to cope with this very very very difficult time.  None of us have done it perfectly. 

Of course, there is also a lot to be said for marriages built on more than the practical crap.  So, it only works if you can communicate what you need and help him figure out how to provide it. 

In my case, I don't get everything emotionally from my dh.  I get a fair amount from my best friend.  That is okay.  Between the two of them, they really take great care of me...:)  That is good enough most of the time.

I wish you luck in sorting it all out.  Relationships are never easy...even without breast cancer.  And good luck with your surgery...

What a hard situation. Does your guy have anyone to talk to? It's possible that he is feeling overwhelmed but doesn't know how to deal with things or know where to turn.My guess is that most men won't go to caregivers' support group or counseling for these issues. It's possible that he's doing tasks as a way to show support and because they are things he can do. i.e. they are under his control.

FWIW, I don't think it's realistic to expect a DH to be all things all the time. There were times during my Tx when I wanted more nurturing and found that my girlfriends could help more with that. I wouldn't make any decisions right now. You're both in a tough situation and a year from now you'll have a different perspective. But I would encourage you to get the support you need (ask friends to help) and encourage him to get some support by talking to friends or whoever might help. (or he might need to take some time-off to goof off. Sometimes caregivers just need a break and then come back recharged) Good luck to both of you.

sometimes, they just can't do it. But guys are built different emotionally. My husband had feelings when I was diagnosed - I know because he would sneak out of bed in the middle of the night, and read about BC. We didn't talk so much that when I discovered what he was doing, I just let him have his space.

But when he was diagnosed with esophageal cancer 18 months after me (my Race for the Cure team contains 3 couples - we have lost one guy to pancreatic), it was wonderful to finally be able to talk. We even talk about scanxiety now - it took a LOT to blast communication into this relationship. 

I am sorry that yiu are questioning whether he is the "one" ..on top of all the other stuff you have to deal with.

A lot of men are not emotionally engaged and they sometimes need to be hit over the head. Most of us women want our men to know what we want/need. We expect them to get our hints...our cues...but in reality they aren't calable of reading our minds. I have been martied 28 years and the only thing that has fianlly worked for me is to be blunt and tell him what I need. Sometimes I need a hug, I may need to vent, sometimes I need advice and sometimes I just need him to be quiet and not say anything. I have learned to forewarn him about what I need. In other words I'll say something like...My day has sucked...I don't need your advice and I don't need you to solve it...I just need to vent. He listens...I vent...and then we both feel better. When I say upfront that I need a hug...need his support...need him to take charge...he will. Just ask...and say what you need or want. The funny thing is...men are very simple creatures and they genuinely want to be there for us...they just need some guidance. Men are Venus...Women are from Mars...lol

lele3737 - my DH was great at taking care of the every day aspects but he was unable to meet MY NEEDS...I felt very emotionally alone through out my treatments.  I needed him to want to know all about this wretched disease and the treatment option so that he could be my advocate should something go wrong (thank God nothing ever did).  I went to most of my appointments alone and often I was the one to bring up how the appointment went...

I had a dear friend come over one day and I was ranting and raving about my DH (right in the middle of my chemical menopause stage) and she looked at me and said 'Dang your husband is damned if he does and damned if he doesn't'.   I realized then that my DH was doing the best he could with this crappy situation.  My emotions were all over the place and my needs changed from one minute to the next.   Sometimes I needed to be held and other times I just wanted to be left alone, other times I didn't know what I wanted...

Cancer sucks! Relationships can be hard even under the best circumstances...this board is here for you (I know this board was my lifeline)...You have already gotten a lot of good advise...I can only add my experience and let you know that 2 1/2 years later my DH I & are communicating better and our relationship has grown.  He still cannot explain how & why he was not able to meet some of my needs or be my advocate and I try not to let it get to me, although during scan anxiety those feelings sometime rear up again.   I do know this, my DH loves me, the best way he knows how.

Maybe you can get some emotional support from a friend, sister, mom or a woman, or a guy friend who iis more into deep emotional support. Men and women communicate differently.