Is it okay to just vent - housekeeping

First of all, it is ALWAYS okay to vent--that is what we are here for!  I empathise with your dilemna.  I  know it must be hard to feel out of control.  Have you thought of having a quiet sit down with the kids and let them know how important it is to you and set the absolute standards that need to be kept for you to be happy?  I am sure they want to make their mama happy, my God, girl you just had surgery!! xo

SheChirple,  if I lived near you I'd be there kicking butt on the clean up. I'm a clean freak too and it's so hard to let a mess go. I usually only vacuum the house twice a week - I guess I should say I 'hopefully' only do it twice a week. My back went out a week or so ago so no vacuuming or washing floors for me. Did my hubby do it? NOT!!!  I swear he doesn't even see the dust bunnies or the dirt from the dogs. So, last night after work I started the house cleaning while he was watching tv....he turned the sound up loud enough so he could still watch while I cleaned. Then, he didn't want me to clean the family room because he was in there. So, this morning at 6am I was in there cleaning. I can't stand clutter either. I feel for you and want you to know you are not alone. Also, there is a company that does cleaning for those with breast cancer and they do it for free. I don't know the name but I'm sure it's somewhere here on these boards, or maybe someone else will chime in with the name. Also, I think the idea of them doing all the cleaning on Saturday is a good idea - you sit and supervise.

SheChirple, check this service to see if they're available in your area: http://www.cleaningforareason.org

If you use the Search link near the top right of every page and enter cleaningforareason as your keyword, you'll see other members recommending the service and talking about their experiences with it.

Judith and the Mods

SheChirple -- If I was geographically convenient I would be there in a flash! I know at the place I got my wig, which specializes in cancer patients, there are flyers offering free house cleaning for cancer patients. There may be some local resources you can tap. Also, I think any cleaning service will come one-time, they just charge me -- seems it would be worth it for your peace of mind... Having teenagers I totally agree with the poster that says they just don't see it. They just don't....

I have no helpful advice except to say that everytime I have been down due to surgery or illness, I have felt exactly as you do. I admit I'm a clean freak, and I hated not being able to clean my house. 

I feel for you, I really do, and I hope things get better.

Mary 

Ohhhhh....SheChirple......I have been where you are!!!

I know how hard it is to be a couch potato, especially when you are used to working, staying active, and being independent.

(I am thankful that I retired five years ago. That has given me wonderful practice into being the successful couch potato I am today.)

These are difficult times for all of us. The rules have changed. Heck, even the game has changed. Breast cancer affects so many aspects of our lives, and it's often hard for loved ones to jump on board. The kids' indifference to crap on a table may take on greater significance when you've had to sit home in forced confinement staring at it for days.

I know my DH has walked in the door after going grocery shopping, and even before he has a chance to put the bags down, I'm whining "I can't stand the clutter on the dining room table one more minute!!! It's making me crazy!!!"  Of course, that isn't really what's making me crazy, and God bless him, he understands that.

A lot of this is about losing control. If we can't control our bodies....our health....then sometimes we need to feel like we're at least in control of our environments. Sadly, for those whose physical environments don't matter all that much to them, well, it's hard for them to understand why it's so important to us.

You're not useless OR helpless. You just need to give yourself a big honkin' break.

When I got my breast cancer diagnosis, DH and I sat down and talked about what kind of changes that would make in our lives. I knew for a fact that I could not be on my hands and knees scrubbing toilets, yet if I had to keep looking at a dirty one, I'd pitch such a hissy fit that they'd have to put me back in the hospital!

DH is undergoing treatment for kidney disease right now. He's taken on so many chores already, but we both agreed we needed help. So we got a cleaning company to come in twice a month. Oh my gosh!!! What a stress-reliever!!!! It's not cheap, but we figured our health was worth it.

I hope you get some response to your Facebook request, or can hook up with a cleaning service.

Big hugs to you!!!!!!

She - I hear you about not being able to do things when you're recovering.  For me it wasn't the house but my beloved garden.  Years of work went to heck during my year of active treatment cuz I just wasn't up to it.  My dh is good around the house, but he doesn't know a plant from a weed when it comes to the garden. 

But, I'll give you a little perspective from the other side about house cleaning - growing up, my mom was the neat freak.  I was not. Any clutter drove her crazy, so she'd end up taking care of it.  I knew if I didn't pick up my clothes for long enough, my mom would do it.  I knew if I didn't pick my bath towel up off the floor, my mom would do it.  Same for closing cupboards, putting milk away, etc. I learned to just ignore the nagging, as I knew it would get done eventually.

Therefore, I never really learned to "see" these things, since they always were magically taken care of for me. When I moved out of the house, I was totally unprepared to deal with these things. Looking back, I feel so sorry for my first roommate - she really went through heck trying to "housebreak" me. It took me years to learn to keep a reasonably house, and that's with having a really good dh who does see these things, and maids who come in monthly.  

FWIW, my mom died of B/C in 1980.  A few months before she died, she and I were talking, and she was quite honest saying that looking back, she wondered why having an impeccable home was so important to her and why she spent so much precious time worrying about it.   I think about that often - my home is presentable, but certainly isn't model perfect.  

Agree with everyone else - do what you can and let others do for you.   And it's OK to have a bit of clutter around, too.  

I am usually a neat freak too. Am trying to learn...its ok to sometimes let it go. I am on my 4 year old all the time to keep her room clean, pick up her toys etc. I think bc dx makes it a reality that sometimes things are out of our control. Being super women, cleaning, shopping, working somehow give us this sense of control back. I try to realize when im in my "in control" moments, that what if I were stage 4 with mets everywhere.... would a clean house be the most important thing to me? maybe at times? I am trying to let that go more now, and focus more on being in the moment, listening to my little girl laugh, and playing make believe with 40 stuffed animals around her, in my living room, knowing I am the one thats going to have to pick those things up! Ugh! The little things we let stress ourselves out with in between these beautiful moments with our family. Not judging at all ladies, as I AM guilty! Just trying to balance the beauty of life and a clean house! lol!

I never was a clean freak, but I don't want a complete mess either. I live with a friend (A), and my 20-year-old son who moved back home this spring. Neither of them notice the state of, say, the bathroom, the kitchen floor or the cat litter box. A is a very old friend of mine who moved in with me about a year ago, because his health is poor and he was worried about living alone.

In August this year, A had a heart attack, which he is still recovering from. In September I had my diagnosis and surgery. Great timing, or not ... it's wearing down our friendship, I can say. I couldn't really lay a heavy burden on my son either. He has Asperger and he has only just found a kind of schooling that works for him, so I wanted to be careful.

Christmas wasn't a problem, though. We spent it at the kids' father's – and he is a clean freak as well as great cook and a good friend, so I could just lean back, enjoy and let my energy grow back!

But after 26 years of being a mother, I have still no idea about how to make kids clean up after themselves, sorry to say. 

She - I'm not even a clean freak but sifting through the clutter and dust got to me.  A month after my lumpectomy and a few weeks into radiation and exhausted, I'd had enough.  I told my husband that after losing part of my breast, the messy house could be the cause of me losing my mind - so I found a service to come clean the house every couple of weeks.  I'm still using them because I'm still tired and hurting from radiation and unable to do what I used to do.  It's been a tremendous help! 

Chirple, I have a house-cleaner who comes once a week, mucks everything out and does most of the laundry. She is excellent and will also do things like clean behind the stove, clean the windows, clean the fridge etc without having to be asked. It is such a huge help, and means that my husband and I can just chill and enjoy when we are around instead of either doing housework or bickering over the doing of housework.