Freakin' Guilt I want to SCREAM!!!

Kayce234
Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

ARRRRGGGG!!!  I so want to scream at the TOP of my lungs!!!!!  I'm so freakin' tired of being made to feel guilty and to look like the bad guy to make others feel like they are justified in their actions! We have, for my entire lifetime had a Christmas Eve gathering with my family, cousins and often close friends.  My parents have always hosted it.  Last year my mother's daughter (yes I refuse to call her a sister any longer) and her family hosted it because it was the first Christmas without my Dad.  This year we are having it at my mothers house which just so happens to be attached to my home by a mud room.  Well my mother's daughter, per her husband/ex-husband/almost former spouse (based on the day who the helll knows) has decided not to come and has put the blame on the fact that she and her family are "just honoring MY wishes".  Now I will agree that I asked her and her family to stay away from me, BUT  also said I know they will be at my mothers house but to please respect the boundries of my home.  Meaning of course you will come see your mother and come on Christmas Eve (they haven't once called my mother or come to see her).  Well they have decided not to come Christmas Eve  - we sent an evite, my mother left a message on their answering machine asking them to come.  My brother-in-law texted my husband wishing him a Merry Christmas and my husband texted back telling them they shouldn't miss out on other family members - yet they are not coming because of "honoring MY wishes".  So of course everyone without cancer and who hasn't been through what I have is saying I need to forgive and forget and call to invite them  I REFUSE!!!  I have spent 42yrs forgiving and forgetting and call me a child but I am not doing it this time.  My life was on the line and I;m not budging - I don't want to.  I'm capable of being civil and in the same room but I will not and can not forgive and forget.  I also don't get how my BIL can think he can text my husband and everything would be ok between them - does he not realize I'm his wife and he hurt me more than anyone ever has in my life!  How am I supposed to be the one to fix this when all I did was get cancer!!!!!

Sorry so long --- just had to vent before I explode!!

Thanks!! 

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Comments

  • Shrek4
    Shrek4 Member Posts: 1,822
    edited December 2011

    Vent along, sweetheart. I had a similar fallout with "the daughter of my mother" and actually didn't speak to my mother too for a few months, because she was taking her other daughter's side. We do live thousands of miles apart, but my Mom asked me if I won't call my sister to wish her Merry Christmas and I flatly refused. Then she gave me the speech about "time of the year, time of forgiveness" and I said I dont' give a rat's dry turd.

    So, see it this way: the DO respect your wishes. They will not be there. So instead of walking on glass to make sure there won't be any awkward moment, you will be able to enjoy Christmas with your Mom.

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  • Kayce234
    Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
    edited December 2011

    Thank you Day --- I'm going to try to just enjoy myself and let them deal with their decision..  Merry Christmas :)

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  • flash
    flash Member Posts: 1,685
    edited December 2011

    Merry Christmas and do what is best for YOU.

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  • BlueCowgirl
    BlueCowgirl Member Posts: 667
    edited December 2011

    Blah. I'm sorry. My mother's son won't be attending Christmas at our house either. Apparently it's just too hard to see both me and my dad struggling with cancer. His loss. But mostly I feel sadness for my dad, because he is unlikely to see his only grandchild again before he passes.

    I'm so sorry Kayce...I hope you enjoy yourself and the rest of your family, have fun at the celebration, and if it's any consolation, it sounds like the daughter of your mother is acting like a big effing baby.

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  • angelsister
    angelsister Member Posts: 474
    edited December 2011

    Oh dear this thread really makes me sad! I have a sister (eldest 57) . And another, cyn who is 54is so so so unwell she's in hospital. I'm getting flight on 28th to be close to cyn as i think she is now at end stage of her treatment. If im right, i will be with her when she needs me most but will have to keep older sister apart x x x x d

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  • angelsister
    angelsister Member Posts: 474
    edited December 2011

    Kaycee my dear i realised as i.was reading that it sounded like i was making judgemens. Im so not. You sound like a lady who has spent most of their lives meeting other folks needs. I truly hope that in some way, although i dont know how when family seem so focussed pn themselves x that you feel supported. Xx much love xx

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  • leaf
    leaf Member Posts: 8,188
    edited December 2011

    I found this after Christmas Eve, so its in the past now, but I think that NOBODY has the right to tell someone else they should forgive someone else. 

    I had one relative tell me I needed to forgive another relative - and they didn't  know the 'bad event(s)'.  They told me that people had forgiven people who had murdered their spouse (such as in Rowanda).  I don't even really understand what forgiveness means.  But to me it felt like forgiving meant I didn't have any right to feel anger, and they just wanted everyone to smile and pretend nothing happened.

    If I choose to forgive someone else, that's great, but it has to come from within, not demanded from without. If and when I'm ready to forgive, I will.  But  I have to work through things first, and, even if I sort out everything, forgiveness may never happen.

    Good for you for sticking up for yourself!

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  • Kayce234
    Kayce234 Member Posts: 249
    edited December 2011

    Thanks for all the replies.  Christmas Eve and Christmas actually went very very well and I enjoyed both a ton!  I've just been made sure that I have made the right decision in regards to my mothers daughter -- when my nephew told her my children were upset and she should suck it up and come she said "they'll get over it".  This from a woman who was kept from her cousins because of a family fight!  She couldn't even be civil for one night for family.  She also has not contacted my mother in any way to wish her a Merry Christmas - no email, no facebook , no phone call -- nothing.  So now I'm just feeling so much better for my decsions and I'm sticking to them.  It's sad but I could be in a room with her for a a family event (for the family), but I will never consider her family again after this and I don't care who in my family has a probelm with it. I truly feel sad for her - I'm convinced this has all come from the fact that she is jealous that I have cancer and she doesn't, she's always been an honorary member because of her friends, but because I'm an official member she can't handle it.

    Leaf --- Forgiviness is earned and deserved not forced. It is not based on what people have done for you in the past or what they do for you in the future it's how they apologize and how they take responsibility for their actions.

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  • PlantLover
    PlantLover Member Posts: 622
    edited January 2012

    I just found this thread because I was looking for you Kayce.

    I know you are hurt by things that have been said by your sister & her husband and you should be because they were very crappy.  Still,  I think you should consider this ...

    When you forgive someone, it doesn't mean that you approve of what's happened. It simply means that you're giving yourself permission to move on with your life.  Perhaps you could say "I'm letting this go.  I'm not going to invest hatred, bitterness, anger, resentment in this anymore."

    Personally, I think forgiveness is something that you do for yourself not necessarily something someone else earns.

    I'm sorry, but I think it's sad that you told your sister and her family to stay away from you.  If one of my sisters told me that I would probably not have gone to the Christmas gathering either.  I don't know how many times you and your family typically have family events but I would think if you and your sister don't try to move past this there won't be any peace for you, your Mom, your husband, etc ...

    My sisters and I have had our ups and downs.  We have all said and done hurtful things and before my diagnosis one of my sister's and I hardly ever spoke.  It made me angry and sad that some of the most important people in my life were so distant from me and I was distant from them.  Although our relationship is not everything I think it could and should be I think we are more at peace with each other.  I know I still do a lot of things that upset my family but I really try to do better.

    Also, don't get me wrong, there have been times in my life where I felt like a relationship I had with someone was so damaging that it was better to avoid the person all together.  I just think a sibling relationship is a tough one to throw away completely.

    Please give it some thought.  I think it would be much healthier for you in the long run.  I know you were venting and didn't really ask for opinions so I hope this doesn't offend you.  I just felt compelled to throw it out there.

    Wishing you the best!!!

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  • Aerial
    Aerial Member Posts: 194
    edited January 2012

    I realize that I don't know all the details about your troubles with your, so-called, sister. Still, I must admit I am confused about several things.

    First, let me say I am no stranger to misunderstandings, miscommunications, disagreements and disapointments with my own sister. The cliche "you always hurt the ones you love" seems to have more than a grain of truth.  I know families can get twisted up when they experience a deep loss.  That's understandable because everyone's emotions are more tender and hyper-sensitive.

    It's entirely possible that I have not understood your post but here's my slant on things:  it seems like your family believes that the ill person in the group should have "the power." That could be why your sister is jealous of you. Although being jealous of someone with cancer seems kind of strange.  In my little world, cancer equals zero power.  My own cells have run crazy and the attention I get comes with needles, tests, pain and pity. (I'm Stage IV, due to bone metastases).

    Why any of your family members would treat you with disrespect just because you have cancer makes no sense.  If they made the choice to behave badly that is, certainly, not your fault.  Maybe they have some hidden agenda and are using you (and your illness) as a "scape goat" for another problem.  Sometimes, people just go wacko and you can't blame yourself for someone else's stupidity.

    I think forgiveness can be something you do for yourself but, I don't think forgetting is ever possible or even wise.  You can't let people keep on hurting you.  Plus, you are entitled to take care of yourself (with or without cancer)!

    I hope you can find peace and healthy ways to cope with these family troubles. I know that sharing and venting here on the forums goes a long way to helping us feel better!  Life's too short to put up with trouble-makers!

    Take care,

    Aerial

     

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