Gender Identity?

It helps  me to remember that gender identity is different from sexual orientation.  There are heterosexuals who fit neatly into the media-hyped sex roles, and then there are others (like myself) who have no use for such limitations.  If I want to wear a flowered dress, I will, but I refuse to wear high heeled torture devices on my feet.  I wear a foob because I think it draws less attention to my body, which is desirable to me.  I prefer for people to notice my scinitillating personality and original ideas, as well as my wild exaggeration.

I still have my boobs, for a few months anyway..  I know I am going to have the right one removed and have been thinking about the left, tho healthy, just getting it done so I don't have to deal with it at a later date.

I'm what I guess people would call a soft butch lesbian, a tomboy of sorts, I would probably go flat if I decide to have both removed.  I in no way "want' to be a guy.  It has frustrated me when someone would come up from behind me and mistaked me for a guy, my dress and short hair I guess, because once I turn around they go all "oh sorry mam..." Its an ignorance I have learned to live with.  People have a view of what it is to be a woman, its a very narrow view for some.  Those people can just %^*$ off, I know I'm a girl, I like being a girl, just a different kind of girl.

This is an interesting topic ... I tried immediate reconstruction which failed miserably and have put it off for 3 years.  I am not looking forward to any more surgery.  I have walked around flat chested for 3 years and no one has mistaken me for the other gender.  In fact, my doctor's nurse was about to do an EKG when i advised her I had mastectomies so she wouldn't be completely surprised when I removed my top.  She said she never would have guessed I had bilateral mastectomy.  I thought that was sweet but I was thinking "the flat chest didn't give me away!"  I will say my stomach didn't look so big when I had Ds on my chest.

As a woman who has her breast I cannot help to think that those without are the most feminine of all. You fight this disease with courage and grace. That my sisters is the essence of a woman. These little boogers are just tissue. What makes you a woman is your mind and your heart. God bless you all.

Melly, I think about this a lot!  Cultures are so variable.  Just thinking of art history and what the "ideal woman" looked like (from point of view of usually male painter)-- it all depended on the particular trendy fashion. Rembrandt with portraits of plump small-breasted women. Other periods with very different body types.

I've never understood why a female or male would be anything other than what they were just because of clothing or style. Why are women supposed to wear shoes they can't run in, and clothes that don't let them run or move comfortably? Why shave certain body parts and not others?

I had probably average-sized breasts, but dislike them because they got in the way. I always wanted to be smaller. Bras were so uncomfortable. Now, with a uni mx, skin with neuropathic pain, some trunkal lymphedema, and the bra & breast form problem, getting dressed is even worse. At home or when hiking I usually go one-sided. Scr@w 'em if they get upset; I should just wear a "breast CA awareness" button on the mx side. 

I'd long thought that if I got breast cancer and needed a mastectomy on one side, I'd just have the other side done too, and enjoy the freedom of never having to wear a bra again! Never worry about nipples showing, or straps slipping, or itching from rough fabrics. Never feel I was getting visually stabbed by snoolish men eyeing my chest. But when it really did happen, I didn't like the idea of going through yet another surgery. I'm still going back and forth on the idea of a prophy or not. If I did have "reconstruction" I want something very tiny, just a slight curve and fix the other side to match.

Yeah, the construct of femaleness, gender, gender roles, femininity is weird. But then I never liked pink.  And the idea that women with breast cancer should get given teddy bears for comfort makes me puke. Breasts are highly overrated I think.

Scream cream?   Do tell.

Lunakin- oh yeah, go to the search engine here and type in " the solution to painful intercourse" it will tell you all about it. All i can say is great stuff!!! LOL

Bump

one thing i wanted to say earlier is i wished i would of had a double mx would of been better

debbie

When I was younger and single, I felt "feminine" because I looked like society told me to. I felt cute and sassy and had rather fetching boobs and cleavage that I worked to my advantage.But eventually, that got very tiring, and very unsatisfying.

I didn't marry until six years ago, at the age of 55. By then, "looking good" had more to do with feeling good in elastic waistbands and flat shoes than it did with a hoochie mama top. And soon "the girls" were swelling out of their 38DD confinement and pointing due south, ending up just north of my waist.

Somewhere around that time, I had a monumental change in how I perceived "feminine" and "womanly".  After hitting menopause, I realized that among my friends, body image was fleeting, and finally we were putting more emphasis on things like character, personality, intelligence, caring, and humor.

It also helped that I'd had a mom who'd undergone a radical mastectomy (with no recon) when I was just a young woman. It never changed who my mom was, except that I would always see her as a warrior.

After my cancer diagnosis, my DH and I discussed my options. I asked him how much he liked my breasts. He said "They're really nice, but I'd rather have you." And now this same husband has stood beside me every step of the way since my surgery. He loves my body for what it is, scars and all. I do too.

I wanted to have the BMX because I thought it was the best course of action for me. I wanted to have the TEs and implants, not because I thought it would make me more feminine, but because I wanted to be reminded that I still have a healthy body that needs more attention than I've been giving it. If for any reason this doesn't work, then I have no problems at all going au naturel.

I am who I am.

MellyT:  Funny, I can relate to many of the same thought processes.  The objectifying that comes with having enormous breasts was just at best downright annoying, at worst with that seemingly being my only worth. I too liked and admired a certain level of an androgynous look, whether to push back to the world's opinion and reaction to large breasts, I don't know.  I do know that the conversation in my head, in relationships, from clear back in my 20's, often asked the question "what if I had cancer and had to remove them - are the breasts all they care about?"  I pushed back hard against that concept and made a life decision that I would never let the breasts define me or determine my worth.  Perhaps it was that life decision and those decades of running it through my mind that made this transition easier for me to embrace. It was okay for a man to love my long legs or something else, but never was comfortable with and never appreciated them paying too much attention to the breasts.  I too feel I am now living in a perfect world though I am actually more likely now to always have the gender clues even with a little more androgynous look.  The internal conversation has on occasion asked if I might be perceived as a transgender in transition.   I would think that if someone asked themselves that question, would they then ask if that was the case, why the earrings, the makeup, and nothing in the behavior or look that is clearly masculine. Like you I have never been mistaken for a man and seriously doubt I ever will be.  Did ask a couple of men I know if the flat chest ever made them think I looked like a man.  They said No Way!! and burst out laughing.  While I sometimes like androgynous looks, I am underneath it all 100% girl, and have never wanted to be anything else. As women we are given so much more latitude than men.  If you think about it, sometimes that pushing the boundary is actually incredibly feminine. Think about the little girl who prances out in her Daddy's t-shirt or a young woman wearing her underwear and her boyfriend's shirt.  They just look incredibly feminine. 

Interesting topic.

Barbara

I had perfect breasts at dx and was within proper BMI, and chose lumpectomy, CAFx6, IMRT rads, and tamoxifen. At 10 years out, still married x almost 40 years to the same guy, despite having both breasts I have no sense of gender but it goes beyond that. My sense of it is that treatment diminished not just sexuality but sensuality on all levels. My lumpectomy breast was fried by IMRT rads (radiation necrosis) and is pulling tighter and tighter, and is disabling my left arm and shoulder. I am considering possibly a left MX.

AlaskaAngel

This is certainly a thought provoking thread.

I feel very womanly.  No less so because I have one breast left.  I feel incredibly heightened.  My appreciation for my own physical beauty, my appreciation for the muscular lines I have developed through intensive exercise, my appreciation for my remaining breast, my increased awareness of my nurturing of my children, my patience for those I love, my impatience for all that I think is a waste of time, my appreciation of my husband's touch. 

I marvel at how little anyone notices the missing breast (though I am certainly lopsided when I go out flat...I have a D cup on the other side) and how quickly I forget that I went out flat. 

I am not sure if this addresses the question of gender identity...I have never felt particularly feminine...though certainly I am.  I have never felt particularly at conflict with being feminine...though I certainly have struggled with the confines that it creates.  For me, the mastectomy has not changed that at all.

The loss of the breast is just one more journey in the life of this woman.

I had a BMX with immediate construction but had issues not with that but during the chemo phase. I normally have thick long hair. It all went away with the chemo. I remember one time my husband asked me to go to a business dinner with him. I found a dress, put it on (I didn't have my wig on) I couldn't find one that didn't show my port. I then really took a good look at myself and there I was with no hair and this stupid port sticking up out of my chest. I just started crying, there was no way anyone could tell me I looked feminine at that moment and I felt so damn ugly.

Im the same way minxie. I don't view them as "my own" so I don't really care who sees them. Then again, a year before I found out I had BC I had a breast reduction and went from a 38H to a 36/38D. I loved my 36/38 D's.. but my 38 H's?   Heck those were just too cumbersome and obnoxious.