Starting Chemo April 2009

Titan, I would love to come over, not sure when we will make a visit, hope it is soon!

I think about Lena a lot, and hope that she is resting and finding some peace.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Have a fun weekend!

Hugs to all, Judy x

Amy & Titan - I agree, Lena's last post was her goodbye to us. I think we need to honor her by letting her go out the way she wanted. She, like all of you are now a permanent part of my heart. I know I could not have made it through the past several years without the ranting, laughter, sexcapades. I agree, we need to let her go. I like the idea that she went out with a rant rather than a whimper...she did it the Lena way. Or at least I hope that's how it was or is.

Amy-I love the idea of an April celebration of her life.

I'm doing well. Part time work seems to work for my body. I think I am going to work part time next week too, after that back to full time. I'm still swollen and sore some days. It's weird, I thought I'd be in better shape at this stage than I am. Oh well, it is what it is. I'm making slow but steady progress.

Hugs to all.

Betsy 

I will add my thoughts of Lena - I had felt her leave us right after she posted her "final rant", but did not want to be the one who put a voice to that thought, as I believe we all needed our own time to reconcile such a great loss.

In my mind, Lena gave much more than she took.  She refused our platitudes and insisted on her reality.  She was disingenuous and at the same time a softy at heart (wouldn't she rip me apart for saying that!).  She insisted on honesty in everything - illness, effects of drugs, her own self-image and most of all her realization that it was time for her to go.  I was initially shocked at her "sexcapades" (nicely put, Betsy), and I almost stopped coming here because I thought she was rather crude....and she was so wonderfully crude that I couldn't wait for the next installment of Pack Rat and Lena...it was like a sexy sitcom!!  I feel as though a Lena only comes around once in a very long time, and our April group was so lucky to have known her..and for her to have trusted us enough to stay until the end when she could have so easily turned away.  I believe it says a lot about all of us too, that we grew through her example, to allow her raw pain just to be, and not try to change it.

So, Lena - I do believe you are frollicking with the SIMS angels, and I fear that Pack Rat will be lost without you, but I am SO GLAD to have had this connection with you, and so happy that you had this time in New Hampshire with your PR...I pray that he will have the peace I know you have found.

I agree that an April memorial service for Lena would be healing for us all - we just have to hope that Lena doesn't hear about it or she will arrange some nasty weather event to have the heavens remind us that she wants no fuss - so, shhhhh

This is where Lena felt safe, this forum was her home. I am deeply sad that we won't be hearing from her again... her "voice" made me smile, made me think, and certainly made me strong. I will truly miss her along with all of you. You're amazing ladies... truly what BCO is all about! Best wishes to all of you for health and happiness in the New Year.

Remembering Lena, always...   

Rose.    

As I read all your posts, it makes me feel honoured to be a part of this group. When I first joined here, I think that I never really thought about the option of one of us being very sick again. I should have I know, but just to get through it the first time was enough to deal with and I convinced myself that from here on, we would all be moving on with our lives and sharing the more day to day and "normal" experiences, of course including updates on check ups etc.

Now, we are facing a real loss and it makes me very sad.

I have been described by many as a "no nonsense" kind of person. I see it as it is and usually say it as it is and I admire that quality in my friends and family. That is what made Lena so special to me. The fact that she was so "down to earth" about being sick and all the things that were associated with it. Although she wouldn't agree, I think that she is a very brave woman who has faced so many challenges, but came through fighting and advocating for herself. I am not sure that I would have been so strong as she has been, really facing up to the reality of what is happening to you is a very hard thing to do. I think Lena did that with honesty and grace.

Having "met" her has made a big difference in my life and I will miss her very much. I didn't always understand all her postings and didn't always respond to all the intricate details that she wrote, but I always read them. I don't think that I have ever met anyone like her. I wish her peace and send love to her family and friends. I too am very sad.

I think it would be nice if we each dedicated one good deed this week to her honour. Anything that you feel she would appreciate or even have a good laugh about. Let me know what you think.

Amy, thank you for helping get the information for us. Betsy, I am pleased that you are making steady progress.

Sending each and every one of you a hug today, May the New Year bring us only good times and laughter!

Judy x

Chelev - so good to hear from you and to have Lena bring us together again, albeit in sorrowful circumstances.  We (the April 2009 chemo group) are a mighty force and Lena was, and is, a point of light. A wonderFUL peaceFUL, hopeFUL, healthFUL, holiday season and New Year to you and yours.

Judy, your idea of a tribute to Lena this week by action of kindness for another is wonderful.  I will be looking for an opportunity to do something in her name.  Thank you.

Geri 

My Dear BC sisters- I have not posted in several months but have signed in on occassion to feel connected to all of you. My heart is very heavy with the loss of our Lena. She was amazing in her honesty and strength. Wish we could connect with her PR to give him support during his loss and show our love for Lena.  

Oh my gosh, guess what!  I did my good deed in honor of Lena today and I am so excited!!!  I don't know if any of you have read/heard about the secret Santa thing where people are going to KMart and paying off a stranger's layaway? (You can google KMart layaway secret santa and it will come up). It is sort of a trending thing right now - people are going to KMart (which is one of the only places that offers layaway these days) and having the staff pick a person's layaway account that has a balance that you want to spend, and then you pay it off and they call the person and tell them that their layaway is paid for by a stranger and they can come pick it up.

I decided to do it and went to the KMart,...which is sort of adjacent to a rough neighborhood. I figured there would be some people struggling to pay for gifts for their children.  I asked the guy at the layaway counter if he had ever heard of this, and he said yes, that a lot of people have been coming in and doing it!  He had a list of peoples' layaway and I asked him to find one that had kids' toys on it (so I'd know it was holiday gifts).  He found 2 that totalled the exact amount I wanted to spend.  It was SUCH an awesome feeling to think about those moms or dads who would get that call that they could have those gifts for their children on Christmas.

I don't know if Lena would approve of the exact type of good deed it was - she was never much about children. But I figured I could be as stubborn and independent as her, and do the good deed MY way!  

I left that store feeling absolutely AWESOME!!!

Love to all -

Amy 

Amy - what a beautiful tribute to Lena (she may not have been all about children, but I know from what she had written that she hadn't had the easiest life financially, so certainly from that aspect, she would know the struggles that parents face...good for you!

 Now you threw the gauntlet so I have to think of something that at least equals your good deed - look what Judy started...a group of previously bald, somewhat flattened, cancer survivors who are hunting about their respectful towns (and countrys because we have Canada and Isreal represented here), looking for good deeds to do!  Now if Lena doesn't see the irony in all that in her name, well....I just know that she does!

So after reading what Amy did, I started thinking about my possible good deed. I was having lunch with my former assistant today and I remembered that she and I always donated through one of our schools to a needy family this time of year instead of exchanging presents. Turns out the people now in our office want their presents and don't want to donate. Then I had an appointment at a little place where I buy my compression sleeves, prostheses, mastectomy bras etc. and it dawned on me that there might be some women who can't afford these things and don't have insurance - government covers a portion but as you all know, this stuff is expensive. So I asked them and they said they have a few who struggle to pay for the prosthesis so I gave them a sum and asked them to put it towards one woman's bill. She is elderly, has no insurance and needs a new prosthesis. While it won't pay the whole thing, it will bring down her bill noticeably. I said that I wanted to remain anonymous - just tell her someone donated "in the spirit of the season". These are 2 very nice woman and I trust them. In fact, they were so moved, they gave me a significant discount on the item I had to purchase that won't be covered by government. I felt that donation was something that Lena would appreciate, especially following her bmx.

I went to my GYN Onc today -good results, I'm healing nicely. I can hot tub again and take a bath now. Yippee! Any woo...I stopped by the payment desk on my way out and asked to speak with the office manager, the gentleman at the desk asked me if possibly he could help me, so I said "I have a strange request, I would like to donate money to someone who is struggling with their onc treatment payments can I speak with your office manager.  I told them I wanted to remain completely anonymous." He then brought me to the office manager and after a few tears, which  took me by surprise, I repeated what I stated to the first gentleman. I asked him to email me if he applied the funds to one account or divides it up against a number of accounts - just to make sure it happens. Can you tell I work in accounting? I wanted a verification the funds were used for my designated purpose.  I think this was the first time anyone had ever done this and both gentlemen were obviously moved. I said I was just paying it forward. I remembered Lena stressing over her bills...not something a person with cancer needs and the opportunity presented itself. Lena this was in your honor!

Judy great idea!

Helen, I agree, I had not planned to write what I had done until I read your post, it was only then I decided I'd share it with you. It didn't make me feel good, I just felt sadness. Sad that Lena when through the ordeal she went through, sad that others are struggling now, sad that cancer is even a word.  

BUT I am grateful that this experience it brought us all together and that I had the ability to contribute to a random act of kindness. It reminded me of how wonderful I felt when I was as bald as a billard ball and we went out for dinner and a stranger paid for our desert. I also recall he was very handsome, at least my eyes worked fine at that time. LOL When we found out who it was, we got up to thank him. After thanking him,  I asked why he did it, he said "it was just a random act of kindness" pay it forward. Yesterday, I finally paid it forward.

Wishing you all a Happy Holiday.

Betsy

My BC sisters- I am so very proud and honored to friends with such an amazing group. I am so touched by the acts of kindness, I shared your posts with my friends at work. There was not a dry eye. I recently found out that a nursing tech. that works at my hospital lost her home and most of her belongings to a fire. She has three children and they are now living with different relatives until they can relocate. It was an electrical fire, the insurance is supposed to pay for relocation expenses, but so far has not. To say the least she is not in the Christmas spirit and is living from one day to the next to get by. My small act of kindness was to find her while she was working and give her a Christmas card with $50 in it. I wrote a note of encouragement and friendship. Before she even opened the card she was crying and thanking me. She had me in tears. I know it wasn't alot of money but the small acts of kindness go along way. We may have started a new "Pay it Forward" movement in Lena's honor. Merry Christmas everyone!!!     

Betsy - like everyone else, I am so happy to hear you are healing well and can finally take a bath!!  Isn't it strange how the things we take for granted become so important when we can't do them!

Judy - kindness always qualifies as a good deed, and there is not enough of it in the world, in my opinion.  I know that your thoughtfulness in being sure that your friend's wife was also being cared for meant a great deal to them both, and he is in my prayers that he will have a smooth and quick recovery - it is so scary that in a second our life can change forever, isn't it?

Betsy, feeling good is also a way to honor Lena - what you did in her name should make you feel good, because one person, our Lena, has brought happiness to a small group of people, who will do as your stranger and you did, pay it forward.

Today I was able to think of my good deed - knowing that Lena felt comforted and safe with her Hospice nurse, and being a former hospice nurse myself, I contacted our local hospice and was able to give a gift card to a family that is struggling with a terminal illness at this season.  I spoke to the director, who I know through business contacts, and initially just asked if I could anonymously drop off a gift card for a family that he thought could benefit from it, maybe for gifts for children, etc.  I told him that a friend had recently passed away and that she had been very grateful for hospice in New Hampshire - well, he suprised me by saying "what Hospice was she with, I can make a call and have the gift card given to that hospice" - well, now I have to explain that I don't know Lena's last name, or the town in New Hampshire that she lived in, and that she is a "friend" through an on-line support group that I belong to because I had breast cancer (which he did not know)...so, it became a little more complicated than I had planned for, but he was so grateful and told me that there was a special fund through this local hospice, called "Friends of Elizabeth" that was established 15 years ago for people who are struggling financially during a terminal illness and that he would have their social worker look through the people who are on that list and find someone who would benefit from the gift.  Talk about teary!!! 

I wish I could have done something for every one who needs it, but at least one family will have a better holiday...and Judy, I think this may qualify in the biggest way for your "good deed" - you brought all of us together in our sadness to do good deeds in Lena's honor - how special is THAT!

Thinking of all of you!

Geri

I have not posted here for months, but want you all to know that I have read your posts and kept up with all of you for these three years or so.  I am so sad to learn about Lena, but am encouraged to know that she has touched each one of us in a way that encourages us to go out and honor her memory by blessing someone elses life.  I am thinking about how I can do that myself, and will share with you all when I do.  I wish you all a Merry Christmas, and may this New Year be the best ever!