Why are some family there when you're dx'd then disappear?

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bedo
bedo Member Posts: 1,866
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Just wondering.  Even if you were in touch a lot before and spent holidays together.  And now no calls, even if you used to spend Christmas together?  I am just trying to understand the other side.

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  • Wabbit
    Wabbit Member Posts: 1,592
    edited December 2011

    Honestly I think it is because they don't know what to say and don't know what to do.  So they put off saying/doing anything and then get embarrassed that they haven't done anything and hide out. 

    Plus most people are wrapped up in their own drama of the moment.  I tend to give a 'pass' to most people and found if I called them they were glad to hear from me and find out that we could have a normal conversation and it wouldn't get all awkward. 

    The mean or totally self-centered folks were probably always like that ... toxic and only there when they needed you ... and need a boot right out of your life as much as possible IMO. 

    Edited to add ... I'll be interested to see what other people have to say about this too.  It seems to happen a lot. 

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  • SheChirple
    SheChirple Member Posts: 954
    edited December 2011

    Perhaps they are scared, unknowledgeable, assume you are dealing with your situation and don't want to interfere.

    Reach out to them.

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  • bedo
    bedo Member Posts: 1,866
    edited December 2011

    Thank you,

    I don't understand why I haven't been called to spend Christmas together. We have a small family only the sis, bro and 2 nephews and my daughter. My bro is not invited either because they don't get along but at least I understand that.

    Thank you

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  • angelsister
    angelsister Member Posts: 474
    edited December 2011

    I'm sorry it sounds like it really hurts your feelings. Do you normally spend the holidays together? Have you been really unwell? Are they usually very self centred? Is there someone new in their life? Maybe you'll never know what the reason is, like others have said sometimes people dont know what to say or are just too wrapped up in themselves. Will you spend the holidays just you and your daughter?

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  • dlb823
    dlb823 Member Posts: 9,430
    edited December 2011

    bedo, has your sister (if this is who we're talking about) been there for you up until now?  Does she possibly have extra demands in her life right now that are making her look forward to a quiet Christmas at home with just her immediate family?  And here's maybe a tough question, but have you possibly burned her out with your health issues (bc & your fall)?  I'm asking because I so clearly remember towards the end of my own tx, feeling like I had little to talk about that wasn't bc-related, and somehow conversations always got back to surgeries and doctors and chemo SEs.  And, let's face it, who (except maybe our wonderful BCO friends) really wants to hear about that stuff on Christmas?  Or maybe she just thinks it's easier not to invite you or your brother, and that way she's not singling him out or slighting him?  Is there any reason you can't invite everyone to your house -- that is, assuming you're up to it?  Just some thoughts...   Deanna

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  • pebee
    pebee Member Posts: 317
    edited December 2011

    I have a family like that - when I was first diagnosed, there were the phone calls... and now 10 months later.... Nothing, nada, zilch.

    I get the reasons, they are embarrased, they were busy, they had things to do, however, part of being family is that you are suppose to rise above the situation and pitch in.  At least that is what my elders told me when I was younger.  I know that if they were diagnosed and I did not respond, I would be getting chewed out.

    For calling them, if you want, call, but don't expect anything.  I would put the effort into people who care and are interacting with you.

    For my family, I will not be traveling because I am in radiation.  I do not plan on talking to anyone on the phone and if they should call, I would simply say "Happy Holidays and oh, (my kid name) wants to talk to you" and hand the phone over.  I am not going to get sucked into a long discussion of what is up just because next weekend is a holiday and they couldn't find the time or the effort to communicate with me before now. 

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  • bedo
    bedo Member Posts: 1,866
    edited December 2011

    Sorry,

    I erased the question by accident because it appeared in 2 places

    My question was,

    Why do some family members come when you are diagnosed and then disappear?  We have spent the last 2 Christmases together and now no invitation,  I'll  spend time with my daughter, brother, and friends.

    Thank you all for your answers.  I think there may be some truth in all of them and I will try to be understanding and not hurt, but distance myself for now.

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