How/when to tell new people you're a survivor?

Laurie09 · December 2011

So, I'm almost 3 years out after treatment and I am doing well.

I have since moved to a new community to take a new job. I also just recently started dating someone.

One thing I'm finding hard is how to bring up the subject with 1) new co-workers and 2) new boyfriend. The boyfriend actually I think will be the easier of the 2 - simply because it has to come up sooner of later. My reconstructed breast doesn't look normal and with the scarring, it's going to be pretty obvious.

I struggle with if and when to tell people at work. I've been here 6 months and haven't told anyone. I would just keep it to myself, but there are things that are probably going to bring it out into the open eventually - i.e. there's a bike ride fundraiser for the cancer center here that I want to participate in as a survivor next summer. There's a group from work that rides in it, including my boss, so that might serve as a segue for me to bring it up with him.

I guess I worry that sometimes it makes people uncomfortable to talk about a cancer diagnosis, and I don't want to scare people off.

So, I was wondering how others have handled such situations?

LisaAlissa · December 2011

Laurie, I'd be very cautious about bringing your survivor status up at work...or even allowing them to know via the bike ride fundraiser without exploring a few things first.

If your insurance is through your employer, employer is small, and carries its own insurance, the impact of someone with significant claims can have an extraordinarily bad impact on the group as a whole (in terms of higher premiums for the next year). Those kind of premium increases can (at best) be a burden on the business (if it covers part of the premiums for employees) or on your fellow employees. At worst, catastrophically higher premiums have put small businesses out of business.

There's no reason to think that you will ever again make significant medical claims, but if they've had bad experiences before (or worry that they might after consulting w/ their insurance consultant/agent) the worry that you might may affect how they treat you at work. Particularly if you're ever "on the edge" for any reason.

If you want to participate in a fundraiser as a survivor, you might want to consider going to a fundraiser that's farther away.

If however you work for a very large employer, any one person's medical costs would not be significant, and whether or not you tell (anyone)--and how much you tell--would be your own call.

I'm generally in favor of as little disclosure as possible. People don't discuss other medical conditions w/ acquaintances (like fellow employees) unless they have to (because the acquaintance will be affected, for instance, by having to cover for someone), and I've never understood why cancer should be any different.

HTH,

LisaAlissa

kriserts · December 2011

Because I started work with a woman who knows my history, and because we were working with another woman who was stage 4 ovarian cancer, the people I work with know my history. I'm a freelancer and have wondered if that would affect anyone's decision to hire me. I actually asked a friend who's in HR what she thought, and she didn't think it would affect the hiring decision--what matters is the job I'm doing for them. And you know what? It helps me when I need to go to a doc appointment--no one tells me I can't leave.

I've found with newer people that I work it into the conversation only if it's relevant, and if I feel the need for some reason. Frankly, now that I'm 5 years out, I feel the need to mention it less and less (not that I was ever chatty about it in the first place). But I've also found that people tend to let the topic go--you mention it casually, people sort of nod and don't ask questions. So I think if you mention you're going to be in the ride as a survivor, you might be surprised at how few people really want any details.

Laurie09 · December 2011

Thanks for the replies.

LisaAlissa, I work for a university so it's a large employer, so while I understand the insurance concerns, I don't think that's a major issue at this job. However, I also don't feel a strong need to discuss this with many people, I was mostly concerned that it would become apparent if I get involved with some of the community events (like the bike fundraiser). I've already (in the past) made the mistake of bringing it up too soon with people who perhaps didn't need to know, so I am reluctant to do that again.

Kriserts, thanks. It's not something that I feel the need to discuss openly, but as you said, it will inevitably come up. I think if I can play it down if it does come up, perhaps it won't be a big deal...

How/when to tell new people you're a survivor?

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