where to spend xmas?

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jackboo09
jackboo09 Member Posts: 920
edited June 2014 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

Hi everyone

Was wondering if I am the only person on here who's husband/partner has not been supportive. I feel so down this afternoon after yet another housework row with my husband. I am at home (still on Herceptin) and he is the breadwinner. In Feb 11' when I was dx he wasn't working and I was, as a teacher, full time. He is increasingly critical of "the state of the house". I don't do enough... blah, blah...

2 weeks ago my sciatica flared up and I have struggled to do as much as usual. He doesnt acknowledge this or the fact that im in active tx still. I ve had 2 be mentally strong over the back pain because we all know where our minds start to turn.. but ive been ok, partly because he won't hereme express any reoccurence type worries.

During chemo I held on to thoughts of this Christmas. I have a lovely, big family and have always enjoyed this time of year. This Christmas I am kinda celebrating coming through all the crap. He is  spoiling it.

When I read this back it sounds so awful. We have split up before. Right now I just want to relax and enjoy xmas with my family and kids (jack- 10 lucy-8)

Best wishes and thanx for listening.

Liz

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  • flannelette
    flannelette Member Posts: 984
    edited December 2011

    Dear Liz - I hear you. I'm sorry this man cannot support you emotionally. Despite the fact you have sciatica, which is so painful, and are in active tx, he critizes your housekeeping and won't allow you to talk about your fears. he sounds like a totally self-centred a*hole and no wonder you;ve split up before. Xmas is a horrendously stressful time and we're all supposed to be happy families - well, sounds like you came from a genuine one, but maybe he did not - some people reading this might see this in a different way, such as he's in denial, or he's afraid....

    But the fact is, you need support and he's not only not giving it, he's eroding it. I'm sorry to hear you're stuck with him at this point - where what you need is love. Xmas can be the worst time - such stress and pressure to be happy families. I hope your own big, lovely family comes through for you now, and you can heal by feeling THEIR love.

    hugs

    Arlene

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  • Natters
    Natters Member Posts: 361
    edited December 2011

    My partner started out supportive but she had a sort of breakdown after I delayed rads, and we've grown apart ever since. Rather thane there for me or make an effort to work on our relationship, she does hurtful things and puts ever more distance between us. She is definitely ruining my Christmas this year and I'm worried that I may come to associate futures Christmases with radiation burns, loneliness, and the meltdown of our relationship :(

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  • jackboo09
    jackboo09 Member Posts: 920
    edited December 2011

    Hi Arlene

    Thank you so much for your reply. It helps tremendously to have the support of the lovely people on this site and your photo is so smilley. This bond we share is so amazing and sometimes only bc survivors understand the issues affecting everyday life. 

    I have an important decision to make this week. If things dont improve I will be heading home, which luckily for me is only a few streets away! I just cannot risk him ruining things for me. I have my 12th Herceptin tx on fri 23 dec too. This usually makes me feel tired and achy.

    Again, thnx for your take on things. he is an a.... andafter coming through cancer I have a choice... I do not have to put up with it!

    Liz

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  • jackboo09
    jackboo09 Member Posts: 920
    edited December 2011

    Hi Natters

    Thank you for replying. Firstly, cute cat! My cat Bonnie is sitting on the keyboard as I am trying to type!

    I am sorry you have also experienced a partner who's support has not always been consistent  support wise. I have my 12th Herceptin on the 23 Dec. I don't know about you but its almost as if they cant go the distance with the long tx we have to endure.

    Perhaps the rads tx you had pushed her over the edge. Im not defending your partner just seeing it as an example of some people who are just not cut out to support others. I read so many stories on here of wonderful partners who have been "the rock" and unfortunately im not in that category.

    I wish you well. You have a good prognosis looking at your signature line and I think we must now focus on our health and happiness.

    Best wishes 

    Liz

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited December 2011

    jackboo, I'm sorry you're faced with this dilemma, on top of tackling breast cancer! There's a section called Talking to Your Family and Friends About Breast Cancer at the main Breastcancer.org site that has some helpful information.

    As for the housework, is there a service agency or something connected with your treatment center, place of worship or other agency that might be able to provide regular or occasional help around the house? 

    Wherever you decide to spend the holiday, best wishes for a happy and peaceful day.

    Judith and the Mods

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  • flannelette
    flannelette Member Posts: 984
    edited December 2011

    jackboo - I lived with a man for 20 years - I loved him deeply, but he let me down in 2 serious illness. I knew if ever I got cancer he would not be there, and I would remain depressed, and not have anything on my side to help me recover.  Finally I left - it was like jumping out of the frying pan into the fire. It was the hardest thng I've ever done.

    then I met a man who is kind. After 2 years I had my cancer dx.. He supported me all through everything and I can tell you, the difference in my spirits is night and day. I thank my lucky stars I left the man who was scared s***less of emotions, his and mine. My emotions interefered too much in his own enjoyment of life, or you weren't supposed to have them, or whatever....all total bs.

    . If you cannot even talk about your fears, he has no respect for your feelings, which to my mind is at the core of relationship - ..I hope you leave, and find the love that will support you from others - and maybe, even, from a new, kind, man. You deserve the same quality of love you are able to give!

    It's so very hard..... I wish you all the best.

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