Wife diagnosed with TN BC

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angleshub
angleshub Member Posts: 4
edited June 2014 in Caring for Someone with Breast cancer
Wife diagnosed with TN BC
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  • angleshub
    angleshub Member Posts: 4
    edited December 2011

    I just found this site today.I guess I should start with the basics.My wife was diagnosed with stage 3 TN BN 5 months ago after having left breast and all lymphnodes on left side removed,She is undergoing chemo now and is in her second dose of the second cycle,10 more weeks then radiation.I guess I am here to talk with someone who wont tell me that "everythings going to be OK" or "my grandma took a pill every so often and was fine" I swear if I hear that 1 more time I am going off the deep end! I am the fixer and protector of the family and  after all the tests and fighting with the insureance company,recoupeing from surgery,I have nothing to fix and I don't know what to do for her.When I had a task to complete or a problem to fix I had control,now I have none and I can feel the dark hopeless feeling closing in and I can't have that I have to be strong for her and my 2 daughters.I have always been the calm cool collected dad and husband who always had a answer to any problem that arose.I have none,I don't know what to do when she is depressed and crying.I tell her that the scars do not bother me,having 1 breast only bothers her,I didn't marry her because of her boobs.I tell her I love her daily and go with her for every treatment and doc appointment,take care of the kids and house when she is in bed for 2 or 3 days after chemo but it just does not seem like I am doing or saying the right things.When we met 25 years ago in high school she was being treated for Leukemia and that didn't make me run away at 15 why would this.I just need some advice from people who have a loved one or are undergoing treatment for BC on what to do.

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  • gillyone
    gillyone Member Posts: 1,727
    edited December 2011

    Hopefully  someone in a similar position will be along soon to offer advice. But as a bc survivor, it sounds like you are doing all the right things for your wife. Good luck to you both.

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  • TifJ
    TifJ Member Posts: 1,568
    edited December 2011

     Sounds like you are helping with the kids and the house. It was very important to me that the kids stayed on their normal routine and my husband made sure of that. He too felt like nothing he did was right- I was so scared and caught up in what I was going through that I didn't even think of how he was feeling- I would yell at him for no reason. I have since apologized!! The best things you can do are listen and hold her when she cries- you don't have to say anything except I love you. I think you are doing a fine job and she will realize this too eventually, but please- never say everything will be alright- that made me so angry because no one knows what will happen.

    I am 16 months past diagnosis and we still have not had sex again ( I know a little personal). I don't know if he is not interested anymore or just scared because I am embarassed to be missing a breast. Don't let this happen to you- talk about it. I need to do this because he won't.

    Best wishes to you both!

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  • tarry
    tarry Member Posts: 156
    edited December 2011

    My blessed husband has been a similar companion. It is very hard and he can be very irritating When, e.g., he tries to help me think more constructively. I think I'd try to stress to her that you want to help her and she should think she'll find her own

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  • angleshub
    angleshub Member Posts: 4
    edited December 2011

    Ohh I never say that everything will be OK..We are both sick to death of hearing that from everyone.Thank you for the reply.I just needed a female prespective.

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  • angsmom
    angsmom Member Posts: 22
    edited December 2011

    angleshub - my daughter was diagnosed with stage 3 Her2+ in 2008 and unfortunately had a recurrance in March of this year so she is now stage IV.  The initial diagnosis is so horribly hard.  I think I was in shock for awhile, then terrified.

    I too get upset when I am told everything will be fine.  It makes me wonder if people don't know what to say and are trying their best to give comfort or they don't truly understand the seriousness of the situation.  As a mom, it was/is so hard to see my little girl going through this and feel so helpless to make it better.

    I think the best advise we were given in this journey was to be your own advocate - do research, understand your disease and all of your options.  I research online for any and all information I can find about treatments but stay away from the statistics!

    It's not going to be okay for awhile but it is doable and manageable. There is a TN thread that may be helpful to you and your wife.

    I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.

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  • angleshub
    angleshub Member Posts: 4
    edited December 2011

    I think you hit the nail on the head angsmom,most people want to comfort you but they just dont know what to say so they pat you on the arm and tell you it will be fine.I am kind of in the same boat I don't always know what to say to my wife when she gets down but I am learning from reading this forum that I don't always need to talk,sometimes it's better to let her do all the talking and just hold her and let her get it off her chest.

    Research is how I found this little cornor of the web and I am glad I did,lots of information and hints on new places to look for info.

    I think I will show my wife this forum,maybe she will post and feel better after talking  with others who are going through a similiar situation.

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  • MyMomsAdvocate
    MyMomsAdvocate Member Posts: 29
    edited December 2011

    My mother has TN Stage IV breast cancer and I am oh so sick of people telling me it will be alright, have faith, keep praying.  I am also the fixer of the family, the strong one.  I moved my mother and her husband in with me for that very reason.  Unfortunately, with this ugly ugly ugly disease you cannot fix anything.  I am actually looking into seeing a counselor because I myself am not able to find the right words, and my relationship with my boyfriend is suffering because of it.  I just don't feel like anyone understands what I'm going through. 

     The one thing that I did for my mom was got her set up on this website.  It helps very much because when you cannot find the words to say, there are some very inspirational stories on her with cases probably very similar to her's.  All I can say (and I'm trying to take my own advice) is keep pressing forward, and keep your head up!

    Another tip is don't always try to be the strong one (again, if I could only take my own advice).  She'll need you to lean on a lot of times, but don't be afraid if you've got to be the one who needs to lean.  One thing I haven't given my mother enough credit for is, even though she is the one who is going through this disease, she has a lot of strength within herself to be the strong one for me. 

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