Can I Borrow a Time Machine?

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anonymice
anonymice Member Posts: 532
edited June 2014 in Coping with Holidays, Special Days and Anniversaries

Well folks, my Christmas wish this year is that it was already over.  I have had one hell of a fall...am in my 16th month of active treatment, my Mom died 2 months ago, my dog a month ago, our company just merged and I've never even met 75% of my bosses, my friend died 2 weeks ago and my Mom's beloved, litte cat, which I inherited, is now in the animal hospital and will probably be put down this week as it seems she has severe congenital kidney disease.  

Sounds like a country song, but it's all true.  Cry

I have a 6 and 8 yr old and I'm trying to keep up a certain amount of merry - for the first time I'm glad that we don't have enough family time between dinner, baths, and homework.  

I forked out about $400 to have memory-free decorations....the little lightbulb clown my Mom made on my firtst birthday is in storage, this year.  

I know there's nothing that can be done about it, except maybe develop a huge heroin habit.

 (Kidding.)  

I just felt like I needed to vent.   I'm not necessarily sure that all these sad things on top of each other are a bad thing...I am a bit numb.  But I so wish I could just skip ahead to January.  Well actually, skip ahead to April.  But we all know, when you're dealing with the big C, it is unwise to wish a moment away.

I'm sorry.  I hope, if you celebrate the holidays, yours are filled with warmth and love.

- Pam 

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  • Bren-2007
    Bren-2007 Member Posts: 6,241
    edited December 2011

    Pam ... I really do know what you're talking about.  I've had a string of very bad losses since November began ... right up to and including this weekend.  I'm feeling a little numb too.

    Last week I had to put my 15 year-old basset hound to sleep.  Just broke my heart.  The week before that my cousin, who was like my sister, died of pancreatic cancer ... and this weekend I lost the relationship that meant the most to me in the whole world.  My best friend was also just diagnosed with mets and she's having a hard time right now.

    It's a tough time of year to have so many losses.

    But, I put up the tree and the decorations, and unbelievably, what's cheered me up is listening to Christmas carols.  I love the old songs from childhood ... I guess I find it comforting right now.

    I'm so sorry for your sadness and losses.

    Sending peace and a hug,

    Bren

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  • anonymice
    anonymice Member Posts: 532
    edited December 2011

    Thanks so much, Bren.  You know, I've had the old Christmas carols on too - Sirius's Holiday Traditions.  They do make me feel better.

    I'm so, so sorry to hear about all your losses, too.   

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  • pickle
    pickle Member Posts: 1,409
    edited December 2011

    Pam and Bin

    I don't have a time machine and no great words of wisdom but I am sending you both hugs and I'm sorry for all your hardships.

    I hope you enjoy your Christmas music and perhaps it will transport you to memories of happier times.

    Hugs

    Beth

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  • lovemyfamilysomuch
    lovemyfamilysomuch Member Posts: 1,585
    edited December 2011

    My dear sisters, I am so sorry you guys are feeling such loss.  I know how painful it can be.  I can only send love and support and know that you have been heard by me! xo

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  • SheChirple
    SheChirple Member Posts: 954
    edited December 2011

    Pam, I am so sorry.  I have no glorious words of wisdom to help you through the holidays.  Just try to cling to those that you still have, your children, as you are making their memories now.

    Last year at this time I was nursing my mother who had broken a hip, had a stroke, and then passes away January 10, 2011.  Then my brother died, then my uncle, and on and on and on...there is always something.

    I try really hard to just focus on making good new memories.  (((HUGS))) not always easy.

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  • anonymice
    anonymice Member Posts: 532
    edited December 2011

    Thank you so, so much, everyone.  I know I, like Bren, just have to work through it, and it will be easier as time passes.  But it's so wonderful to have a place to talk about it.  Writing it actually brought on a pretty good cry, and between that and your responses I really am feeling better.  

    Hugs,

    Pam 

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  • BlueCowgirl
    BlueCowgirl Member Posts: 667
    edited December 2011

    How about a time machine that goes the other direction? I want more time with my dad, earlier diagnosis of my cancer, and to reverse the stupid decisions I've made in my life. Sorry Pam and everyone else that you are dealing with so much...Sadly I can relate. 

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  • anonymice
    anonymice Member Posts: 532
    edited December 2011

    I'm so sorry, BlueCowgirl.  Even every day challenges can drive you to the brink with BC, let alone major issues.

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  • msphil
    msphil Member Posts: 1,536
    edited December 2011

    Hello sweetie, I thought as a child getting the gifts on my list was my best Christmas ever, but after my diagnosis back in 1993, I prayed to God to let me see another Christmas with my family, husband who beside God got me thru, But after my L mastectomy December 17,1993 I asked God to let me spend the Holidays at home, the docs were not ready to let me go yet, but my husband and I pleaded with them and my husband said he would take care of my drains and all, just let me come home, so I did(Praise GOD) and my mom and I and my baby sister sat in our church and I couldn,t contain the joy and thanks and Praise I felt for my GOD for this gift and it,s been this Christmas 18 YRS(18 Christmas's He let me see, so YES I do love the HOLIDAYS(The Holi-days.  God Bless, even during my treatments I had HOPE and HAPPINESS.  msphil (idc,stage 2,3 nodes,Lmastwith reconstruction my body rejected and expander was removed, and 5 yrs on Tamoxifen

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  • anonymice
    anonymice Member Posts: 532
    edited December 2011

    Hi, msphil.  I'm so glad you've done so well!  I am not ungrateful for my life, have a lot of hope, and many things to be happy about.  But grieving is a normal process, and my mother died at the age of 65 in horrible pain, and I saw her code out, a few weeks ago - that is burned on my brain.  

    I have IBC - the most aggressive (and frequently fatal) form of bc.  Everything can always be my last - whatever - like all of us, it's just that when we, IBCers, start to die it usually just can't be stopped.  Too fast.  It's only 2% of breast cancers but accounts for 10% of all breast cancer deaths.

    So you see, I understand what it is like to be saved from the brink, which is essentially every day of my life.  But, it's Christmas, I want my Mom, I want my kids to have their grandmother, and I'm tired of people I love dying.

    Grief is normal and natural, and I just can't feel bad about feeling bad.  It won't serve anything, and sure won't help me heal.  My girls will have a wonderful holiday.  I will spend it wanting my Mom back.  

    I hope you have many, many more years of wonderful holidays. 

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited December 2011

    (((((Pamonymous))))) from all of us here at BCO. We know you're having a tough time, but just know that we, and all of the ladies here, are here for you :)

    Hope you can find some joy in the season, even if it's just for the kids :)

    --The Mods

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  • anonymice
    anonymice Member Posts: 532
    edited December 2011

    How sweet of you, Mods, really, I'm very touched.  In fact I've been touched by all these responses.  A little comfort from understanding folks goes a very, very long way.

    Thank you so much!

    Hugs to all,

    Pam 

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  • Bren-2007
    Bren-2007 Member Posts: 6,241
    edited December 2011

    Hi Pam ... I agree with you that grief is normal and natural ... I just wish there was an easier way through it.  I know about the five stages of grief, and going in and out of them. 

    I guess there just is no easy way to speed up the process.

    Hoping you're having a good day today,

    Bren

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  • anonymice
    anonymice Member Posts: 532
    edited December 2011

    Thanks, Bren.  My day was ok, but we're almost certainly going to have to put my Mom's little cat that I inherited down this week - it appears she has severe congenital kidney disease.  I am not very attached to her yet so there won't be much of that pain, but she is a little doll, so snuggly, and just a baby really.  And it would be sad for other, obvious reasons.  

    I hope your day was ok today as well.

    Hugs,

    Pam 

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  • BlueCowgirl
    BlueCowgirl Member Posts: 667
    edited December 2011

    ((((Pam)))) Even with everything you are dealing with, you sure haven't lost your tact! I'm sorry about the kitty. Personally, I agree that grief is normal, natural, and necessary. Unfortunately it also SUCKS while you are dealing with it. Wish I had that time machine for all of us.

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