My daughter seems so angry at me....

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Kate60
Kate60 Member Posts: 597
edited June 2014 in IDC (Invasive Ductal Carcinoma)

Hi there. I'm just at the very beginning of my journey on the cancer bus. I have had my diagnosis and have my surgery this coming Friday. I am so puzzled by my daughters reaction. She just seems to be very pissed off at me (pls excuse the language). I don't even think she likes me anymore. I don't know whether it's because she doens't want to get caught up in all of this, or because she is in denial and it is just her way of coping.

 She is my only child. She is 24 and we had just become very very close again after quite a few rough years. I love her so dearly and I just cannot understand how she could be so cruel to me at the moment. She is being very short with me and certainly thinks this breast cancer is 'no big deal, it happens to everyone at some stage'. So in short, I am not getting any sympathy from her. This tears me to pieces I can tell you. Not that I am on my pity pot or anything... I too am down playing it a bit. My husband is so concerned, as are the rest of my family. Heavens, even nephews and nieces are travelling to see me when I have my surgery. My daughter is going to be at her work.

Has anyone had a similar experience to this? I don't want to dramatize this in an unnessary way, but I also can't pretend that everything is just hunky dory and that it's not a big scary deal for me.

Any advice would so be appreciated.

Thanks

Kate

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  • Racy
    Racy Member Posts: 2,651
    edited December 2011

    G'day Kate, welcome to BCO. I am a fellow Aussie living in Brisbane. This site is the best place for info and support. I have been on it constantly since my diagnosis last year. There is an Australian Sisters thread too. I'm sure you will 'meet' some of the other Aussie ladies soon.



    I don't have kids so can't help with your problem lol.



    All the best with your treatment. See you around :-) .

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  • Kate60
    Kate60 Member Posts: 597
    edited December 2011

    Hi Racy, can you paste me the link the aussie ladies thread? I think this site is the best of the bunch, but I would also love to connect with some fellow Aussie girls.

    Thanks

    Kate

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  • ma111
    ma111 Member Posts: 1,376
    edited December 2011

    Kate,

    My  daughter went through this. I think it is denial because they just cannot handle the thought of their mother dying. My daughter is coming around a year and half later. It took a nephew talking to her that came up from Texas. This was the second time he talked with her too. He calls to ask how thing are going with us and will send her a message on face book.

    You family will notice her absence and probably intervene. It is very hard to see a child run from the problem, but they do.

    SO sorry you have to go through this. Iy hurts a lot. Get some ativan or other antianxiety med to help.

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  • Racy
    Racy Member Posts: 2,651
    edited December 2011

    Kate, it's a thread on this site and it's in the forum 'Chemotherapy: before, during and after'. It's called 'Australian Sisters'. Can't post link from my phone.



    I repeat: This site is EXCELLENT!!!

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  • chrissyb
    chrissyb Member Posts: 16,818
    edited December 2011

    Hi Kate, another Aussie here from SA but don't hold that against me.....lol.  I have two daughters but they were quite a bit older than yours when I was originally diagnosed in 2003.  What I have found throughout this journey is that those closest to us are often the least support for a number of reasons.

      You said that you and your daughter have only recently become close again after a dificult time so this diagnosis to her is terrifying.  Any Cancer diagnosis, even though modern medicine has made it more survivable, can really shake the earth that you stand on.   BC (Breast Cancer) like all cancer cannot be seen with the naked eye and because it is hidden is hard to believe that it is there. I think you will find that once your treatment begins in earnest she will see will her own eyes that this is really no walk in the park and make it very real.

    .Also, your DD (dear daughter) is more than likely terrified that she is going to loose you after only just finding you again so her coping mechanism is denial.  I know this hurts you but I'm sure when see can see the physical changes that come she will support you more.

    Love n hugs.  Chrissy

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  • Mandalala
    Mandalala Member Posts: 162
    edited December 2011

    Maybe she is scared and wants to save you from her feelings to avoid making you more scared. I think that is what my eldest son (25) did when I told him. "Oh, so you'll get a bandana!" he said, smiling. And then (others have told me) he and his brother spent all night googling breast cancer ...

    If it were my daughter I would try to calm her down, as if she had shown that she was afraid. Maybe she is actually irrationally angry, but even in that case, it is because she cares more than she can handle. I would guess. Hope you will find eachother soon again!

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  • Merilee
    Merilee Member Posts: 3,047
    edited December 2011

    Anger is almost always fear based. I am sure she is scarred shitless for you and for herself. No one wants to think about the possibility of the mom being gone. Mom is every kids back up plan,for if they ever need help, no matter how old they are. One of the hardest things about this is trying to cope with the stress yourself and at the same time help your kids cope.

    I spared my daughter a lot of the gruesome details, and focused on hope based aspects of my treatment when I talked with her.  I think It helped, or at least helped me feel like I was not putting her through all the trauma along with me.

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  • pebee
    pebee Member Posts: 317
    edited December 2011

    I have a 22 year old daughter - lives at home and had the same reaction.  It was truly peachy to be told that I was not eligible for help with transportation as "you have a second adult driver in the house".

    It sucks that you have to be angry.  It sucks that if you get her to help  such as drive you to an appointment so her dad could work which in turn brings in a paycheck which we use to keep the house running for her benefit and you get the angers or whatever.  Right now, I am sitting here steaming as she promised to take her younger brother somewhere this morning and no sign of her.

    Family may or may not be able to do anything.  Both my side and her dad's have tried. We have asked her to go to counseling - no luck.

    What I have found is calling her out in front of her friends and boyfriend.  Last night she was in a foul mood because she had to put up the Xmas decorations.  When her boyfriend showed up and she was yelling I asked him if he did this to his mother.

    That might be what you have to do.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited December 2011

    AussieKate, here's the link for Racy to the Aussie Girls thread :)

    http://community.breastcancer.org/forum/69/topic/762058

    Happy posting!

    --Your Mods

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  • VictoriaB
    VictoriaB Member Posts: 171
    edited December 2011

    I would send her a letter. Letters are often useful communication tools when talk is not happening. In this letter I would offer your unconditional love, no matter what. I wrote my daughter a letter and told her my bc was a bump in the road. She kept that letter under her pillow!

    Of course we all unconditionally love our children. But I think it is important for them to hear that, or read it, from their mothers, while they are trying to navigate the very confusing terrain of their feelings about cancer.  

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