Aging Parents Anonymous

Kathy,....I'll be at my folks from Sunday the 18th in the afternoon till the afternoon on the 22nd   Talked to Mom today....and....she is really "frozen" with dealing with things.....she has finally accepted that she needs help...she saw her pcp today and he told her she is stretched too thin....she told him that she sees double when she goes to movies at the club house and sits in the back with dad....so he is sending her to a specialist....also she mentioned the trouble she is having with her gait.....I told MOm to make whatever appts she wants for when I am there....I told MOm that I might want to get a small fan for when I am there....and she says use the one in the room...I told Mom that I do use the ceiling fan and even with it and the window open, I was still hot and Mom told me that she would see when I got there that she was just taking it one day at a time.....I'll buy thet damn fan, but I don't want to be soo hot when I sleep...I don't want Mom to mess with the thermostat for me....she told me also that it hasn't been so bad in the house lately....so I won't say anything again, till I'm there and after the 1st night, I'll have Mom take me so I can buy a fan......I'm just sooooooo hot at night.....my house is at 67 and I keep my bedroom window open...Till the next post....

Oh dear Karen, its so very hard. Remember that you are doing the best you can, without being there. I hope you can get some things lined up for when you arrive, like what type of help is available to your parents, etc. And even though it will be hard getting a lot done over the holidays, maybe if you have things set up ahead of time, you will be able to convince your mom that your dad needs more help, and be able to get something started. Are you thinking he needs to be in a nursing home? Or maybe some assistance during the day, where someone else will take care of your dad, and your mom won't have to do it all? I do hope you will be able to figure out what type of help is needed, and then I am hoping that you will be able to get something started when you are there. Hang in there, you are a loving caring daughter, and it won't be too long till you will get to see your parents again! (((HUGS)))

Kathy

Hi girls,

Althea, I am also interesting in finding out more about this "in home companion service". I talked to my Dad about getting more help for my Mom but he is worried abouty people coming in and being abusive. He insists on doing everything himself and it is tearing me apart. 

As Kathy and Karen know, I flew to SC to spend the week with my parents. My mom is only 74 but has had a series of strokes and also has dimensia. My father is 76 and was until a few years ago the more ill parent. But somehow, my Dad's issues have gotten much better. He has heart disease and is diabetic. He had his first quad by-pass surgery in his early 50's. At that time, my mother was very healthy, only issue was high blood pressure (which I often blame myself for in being such an unruly child). After spending another week with my folks, I am just heart broken. We went out to dinner tonight and the waitress, who knows my parents, caught me on my way up to pay the check and asked me what has been happening with my Mom as she has noticed the rapid decline. Mom walks so slow, takes baby steps. She uses a cane and refuses to use a wheel chair - that might be good though to keep her muscles moving. She is very "spacey" and as the day goes on and she gets tired, it gets more difficult to direct her. I am so disturbed that my Dad takes all of this on by himself and refuses help. . My father is a great care taker but really needs help. He has told me that he now has to bathe my mom and it is very difficult for him. He refuses to purchase any medical items to assist such as a bath tub chair or wheel chair. He really loves caring for her and refuses all help. 

Last night, I styled her hair and put lipstick on my Mom. My Dad, DH and me told her how pretty she looks and she smiled so big, just melted my heart. My Dad keeps her clean and helps her dress but does not take it further. She did look pretty with her hair styled and we all laughed as I played hair dresser.  She let me put lip stick on her before dinner tonight and she looked very pretty, even the waitress noticed her hair and lip stick. It made me smile. 

I told Kathy and Karen about the spill she took getting into our rental car after TG dinner. This is the thing that scares me the most in leaving them.  All of my family is in NJ and we are all willing to help. But my Dad LOVES him home in Myrtle Beach and is refusing to move back to NJ. I do not blame him as their place is so beautiful, set on multiple acres of land just a half mile from the beach. We drive a golf cart back and forth to the beach, that is my MOm's favorite thing to do. 

Well I have rambled here and have to check in on my other favorite threads. Just felt like venting and also telling you ladies that I understand the mental anguish of seeing our parents decline, it just sucks! 

We have had a beautiful time with them here but it will be so hard to leave them alone in their stress filled world. All I can do is pray that he will take help that is available or move back to his family in NJ.

Althea, Karen and Kathy, wishing you and your parents all the best. Kathy, I know you will miss yours once they go back to HI, we can cry together    Karen and Althea, hang tough and I will pray for all of you and your parents. I tell myself often that at my age (51), I am blessed to have both parents alive. Many of my friends have no parents, I can not begin to imagine. 

Well thanks for hearing me rant, this is the place and I feel better knowing I am NOT alone with this. All we can do is our personal best and pray a lot! 

God Bless you gals and wishing you all the very best holiday season. 

Dorothy aka DorK

Talked to Mom tonight and she was sounding optimistic....but really in DeNile!!!  Dad's memory is the pitts....Mom was gone for a couple hours and when she got home she asked Dad if anyone called and Dad said NO, but MOm could see on caller id that her cousin had called.  But if DeNile keeps Mom going, I don't want to take that away from her, but I don't want it to prevent her from taking the steps she needs to for Dad as he gets worse.  Tonight Mom goes everyone says Dad looks good...talking about the snowbirds who haven't seen Dad in several months....and that its just Dad;s memory that is bad....yet then she tells me that she has to shave Dad as he doesn't do a good job...and tells me that Dad really doesn't have the patience to watch a movie....I try to gently get her to see the reality, but then again I say its really what works for them.....I know when Dad can no longer live at home, it will really be lonely for Mom.....right now, Dad eats with her, sits in the Florida room when they watch TV and tells Mom at night that he is so glad that she married him because she is so good to him....This is the 2nd marriage for both my parents, but its like they've always been married to each other....but it may be because they have been married 46 years....I was 9 when my parents got married and my Dad is my father...only father I have ever known.....I'm glad that I will be there in 3 weeks....I am going to check out the info Althea wrote about...she sent me the link....Thank you Althea.....

DorK....I see my parents as young...yes, I know 77 and 81 is not young, but I'm 55 and my brother is 57 so they are young....so as seeing them as young parents its even harder to see them decline......My MIL is 84 next month and thank G-D she is doing well....but DH and I realize that things could change anytime just because of age, but we are so greatful that she is doing well. 

I'm glad for this thread....it helps to be able to share where people get it....Oh yeah...thats what bco is all about.....we get it....

Moom checked out the links and there are two agencies that are going to be contacting her.  Mom said to me today..."I'm in a bit of denial about all this".....DeNile can be a good place....Looking forward to being with my folks in 2 weeks. 

Oh Karen, I feel so sad for your mom, having to face the facts that your father is not doing as well as she wants him to. So glad though that she is trying to do this, and hopefully they can find a solution to the toilet accidents. Can he wear some adult garments (hate to say the "d" word), that would help? SO glad you will be there soon. And how long will you get to stay? I know my dad is sad to see my mom declining, and all that is wrong with her is her memory. She is able to take care of herself and always dresses so well and is so put together (she looks better than I do when we go somewhere). But I think that is why he gets so upset when she forgets something or can't find something (like her credit card!). cause he realizes she is declining.

I hope your your parents will be able to manage this, till you get there. Such a hard situation to be in. Since my parents returned to HI, I don't have as much contact, so not sure how things are. I can call, but they have a hard time hearing on the phone, so I prefer to email. But just my dad does email these days, my mom stopped a few months ago. We're all in such a hard situation, not living nearby. Take care!!! Hugs, Kathy

Karen, Would it help if he wore TWO at at time? OR is there something else that would hold in any accidents and not soil his clothes? Also, would your mom be amenable (sp) to starting a journal of sorts, just to document EVERY DAY what your dad does and doesn't do? Then she has something concrete to show his dr, and also it might wake her up to what is REALLY happening. I am so sorry about all this. Of course, we are ALL here to support each other, wish I had some good ideas or advice though. Believe me, I am soaking this all in, for when I may be going through the same thing. Is the day care less expensive than having someone come in the house for 3-4 hrs a day, to give your mom a break, and care for your dad?

Is it now 9 days and counting till you get there???

Hugs to all you sweet daughters taking care of your  parents!

Kathy

Karen, If your mom can afford the more $$$ program, then it will be well worth it. Weird what they told her that people can be okay at home and then incontinent when out. Maybe at home he somehow lets your mom know he needs to go? This new program that has more care, might wake her up more too, that he really does need more care, and she needs a break. Enjoy Shabbat!

Althea, How is your mom doing with the home health care services?  I sure hope that is working out!

Hugs to all,

Kathy

Darn it, Althea....you researched, it is YOUR body, you knew what you wanted, and it is not something you came up with out of the blue. SO glad you asked him not to charge for the visit...that took balls....so proud of you! Not sure I would even have thought of that. There is a friend of mine (we met in person too) on our drinking thread here, her name is Lori, and her screen name is Goldie0827 (I think!)...never use her screen name! Anyway, she is having thyroid problems too, and maybe I could copy what you wrote here and send it to her. In case you get a PM from her, you will know who she is. You two might be able to share information with each other.

Good you mentioned finances...checking accts, etc. I was just reading something yesterday about early onset alzheimers and dementia. A woman whose husband always took care of the bills, did not reaize he had this disease (in his 50's), until one day she saw a notice that their house was being foreclosed on!!! Apparently he was not aware of what bills were anymore and was throwing them away, even all the notices about non-payment. How scary is that!!! So far, my dad who is 95 is still doing all their finances, and they have several properties, so it is a lot to keep up with. I hope I will notice if he someday has problems doing all of that. Good advice for Karen to check out! And good advice about the military benefits, can't use them in my family, but someone else reading this might really benefit, so it was nice of you to share!

Well I have had time to post as we are at the casino, and DH is taking a nap! Nothing else for me to do in the room but be on the computer! I am sure we will leave the room soon.

Ciao! Kathy

Kathy....thanks....Mom did say a couple times how glad that she is that I am here....and Dad was happy to see me.....I just wrote a long post in the drinking thread that I am copying here....Will keep you posted on the events this week....Thanks for checking up on me

Arrived at my parents this afternoon....I am roasting in the apt.....Mom turned the thermostat down a bit....like to 80.....at dinner Dad was cold so he comes and just flips it without regarding and has it close to 90....Mom turned it back down....She keeps asking if I'm comfortable, and I am honest and tell her I'm hot, but to leave it....I have the bedroom window open and celing fan going, but its still too hot for me....I guess I'll get used to it by the time I leave!!!  Dad looks good.....tomorrow, we have the lady coming to do the evaluation on him and give recommendations....Mom is NOT ready to even consider placement for Dad....and now that he can't go to the Garden Brigde program (where he had been going), he doesn't like the new place because it is locked and Mom probably won't send him...the other day, they said he is "high functioning"  whatever that means.....BUT I'm worried about Mom...when she is driving in an unfamiliar place...omg!!!! coming back from the West Palm Beach airport which she hadn't been for 6 months she gets on the free way going North instread of South.....She was in the correct lane, even said I need to go towards Miami, then switches lanes to go North....Once its too late to make a crazy move, I tell Mom she's going North and to get off at the 1st exit and to turn around....and she misses the exit...so I tell her, get off the next exit...she sees the ramp for I-95 south and doesn't get in the left lane like she should, but the far right lane...so again I tell her...now not as nice...I tell her to turn at the first right.....by now she is a befuddled!!!  I told Mom to let me drive...and thank goodness she let me....She scares the day lights out of me on the highway.....I told her that tonight and her come back was...when I know where I am going I do fine...I told her again, that I don't like her on the highway, that she is not safe, that she has trouble staying in the lane (she veeres left) and goes between 45 and 65....of course she  denies it...I told her I don't want her driving on the highway and that I have seen her have this trouble the past 2 or 3 times I've been here....and I will keep telling her that everyday.....She is fine on the city streets....but please G-d, I am so afraid of her getting into an accident on the highway.....at the airport, she ran over one of the cones....the guy was so ticked that she was on it!!!! and she didn't even know....I so don't want her taking me to the airport on Thursday....I know she will let me drive there, but she has to get home....and will she go the wrong way again or not!!!!  I told DH and he is worried too.....Dad doesn't drive and hasn't for over 5 years and no longer is allowed to (not that he is interested in driving), so Mom is the only transportation.....and no way will I take it away....I leave that up to her doctor to make that decision.....I know I am a nervous passenger to begin with.....Mom moves so much slower than she used to.....now I don't know if this is slow for her age group, or its just me comparing Mom to a few years ago....I know my MIL who turned 84 todays, says that she doesn't move as fast as she used to, but its different when its your own mother.....Well, we'll see what tomorrow brings....Dad is getting a 24 hour heart monitor (Mom is not sure the exact reason).....she said the doctors are driving her nuts!!!  Mom had an MRI last week and blood work but she doesn't know what the neurologist is looking for...she has an appt for the 29th to get results....I figure it news was not good, she would hear sooner....Sure wish there was someone to go to dr. appt with them.....mom just doesn't get all the info.....

Kathy....I just mentioned the tape recorder to Mom and she said that the doctor ususally doesn't say much.....when I said that you didn't know what the MRI was for, she said, the doctor was ordering it because she is having trouble walking....yes thats why, but to me, I want to know what he's looking for......regarding the airport....doubt that Mom would agree...the only option would be to say that since she's not used to driving that way, I don't want her driving alone home....but think it would upset her....Such a catch 22....Today when we were talking, Mom said "I don't feel old"....she is in such denial about things....even her....so I am treading on thin water (is that even an expression?)!!!  Her phone just rang and couldn't hear anyone on the other end, so she tells me to get another phone and pick up...I did and couldn't hear...so hang up....she checks caller ID and said, well no one was there!!!!!  Got to go the SW to eval Dad just got here...bbl....

Kathy....I hope your Mom is doing better....and that all goes well for your Dad tomorrow.....that's a lot on their plate as well as for you....When do you leave on your trip with your DD?

The SW was here for almost 2 1/2 hours....Mom was so overwhelmed....felt it was soooo much to absorb....before the SW left, Mom commented that she didn't have the energy to go to the store and get stuff to make dinner, so we were going to go out for chinese.....I mentioned to the SW about the airport story yesterday...Mom got a bit defensive....I just kept saying that I don't want her driving on the highway....that I worry about her, but in the city, on the city streets she is a great driver.....don't know if she'll listen, but at least the SW heard my concerns as did Mom...Mom feels so overwhelmed that keeping a journal is one more thing that she has to do....but later on, Mom found a small notebook and asked what I thought about it.....I told her that I could keep track of things that she tells me....As far as the tape recorder, she said NO....I mentioned that I was going to talk to my DH about a digital recorder and see how easy it would be to put on the computer so I could hear it...Mom said NO....I don't want to have to worry about turning something on and off!!!!  Give it time and it might happen....Mom added me to the release of info that the SW had her sign so the SW can communicate with me and Mom asked me if I wanted a copy of all the forms she signed, so the SW is going to mail them to me instead of Mom.....The SW gave us several suggestions to help make things easier for Mom....the one Mom had the hardest with, was the one with the "life alert" (or whatever its called) necklace for Dad to wear when she isn't home.....but other suggestions were in home help, dad going to day care, prepared meals and getting the POA completed....Mom will have me be the POA for everything...I have a brother, and Mom said he probably wants it, but she is giving it to me....I told Mom, well he wouldn't come down on a moments notice....I don't get along with my brother (mostly because of his b****...oh...I mean wife)....But most importantly, I want whats best from my folks and Mom knows I am here for her and Dad whenever they need me...either in person or the phone....So to add to the overload....about 5 minutes after the SW left, the nurse from the adult day care called....and said that Dad's behavior was not different at the 2nd day care center than the first (the locked more restrictive place) and wanted to know which location she would prefer Dad to be....Then Mom had me write the SW to tell her.....Well....I could go on and on...I so appreciate having you hear to listen and offer your wise suggestions....Hugs...Karen

i so have to get out of last year. 

I've sure been thinking of mydear deceased mommy often with the holidays coming on, the cookies and decorations.  I really loved endulging her easily pleased self in her later years.  I keep stumbling across little gifts that I know she would enjoy. 

(i hear you on the insurance crapola Althea.. I simply cannot wrap my head around all the choices).

Merry Holidays to all. 

Took my parents out to a late lunch today...didn't think that I ate so much and I wasn't miserable when I was done but at dinner time, I was miserable...so Mom fixed Dad something to eat...Mom and I did not eat dinner but around 10 had a snack and we finished the bottle of wine...I bet Mom doesn't have a glass of wine again till my next trip!!!!  My flight is at 1:40, so we will leave around 11 for the airport....sure hope Mom does okay on the way back from the airport, but I can't worry about it (well, yes I can, but it won't do me any good)...

The women from the home health care agency came today.....Mom is making herself crazy trying to decide what is the "right" thing to do....I told her to listen to what Dad wants since she is asking him...Dad really doesn't want to do anything, but if he has to, he would prefer the home heatlth option...since nothing is forever, I told Mom to give it a try....plus they can help with things in the house....They have a 15 hour/week minimum (or was it 12, but either way not affordable), but it is more than my folks can handle...the gal asked if I could help and Mom said she doesn't want me to help...btw...I had thought of chipping in to help, but I can't insult my folks...so the gal said she could give the same rate with only 8 hours.week...this is much nore within my folks reach...it will be 2 - 4 hour days...the gal wants to start this week, but Mom wants to wait to next week...she wants to talk to her counselor as well as the neurologist....(Mom has an appt with the neurologist for her MRI results, so she figures she can talk to him then about Dad)....Mom is so overhwelmed and unsure of herself in making decisions..partly because she doesn't want to be making the decisions...but again, the gal today said that Dad is "high functioning".....I'm still worried about Mom....I want to ask her counselor (or pcp) how they see her as doing....she is my Mom as I see her as old, but I can't be objective....I know several people in her age group, but I can't use that as a comparison....I just want to know that she is doing okay...

Apple...I hope the memories will bring you peace...I am greatful to have my parents as old as I am...My MIL is 84...DH lost his father young...he's been gone over 28 years now...FIL passed away at 62...DH was in his late 20's...

Kathy...how's your Mom doing today?  and how did the procedures go for your Dad?  Are you taking care of your tootsies?

I'm so greatful for this forum!!!  Hugs, Karen