May 2010 Chemo

Leanna and Summer so sorry to hear of your losses .. I too sending big hug to you both.  

Can you all believe its been a year since we all have been done with all the chemo and radiation.  pain that was associated with all that.

Thanksgiving was a wonderful event this year we went to Texas to be with my husbands family and we celebrated the wedding of one niece, such a beautiful bride. The mother and father of the bride live in Russia so we don't get to see them too much and my Sis-IL's family is wonderful we always have a good time with them.  I think there were more people from California there then texas...My DH's mother has Alzheimer's and she is a funny one.  We had a brunch the morning after the wedding  the caterers had to be let in at 7 am ...She is the only one that heard the door bell. Told them they were crazy that there was not going to be any party at this house.  She was the only one there and she didn't plan one.  They call my sis in law and woke her up,she was in the house. for that matter so were we... After they set up all the tables and put flowers on them they went to the garage to begin the cooking and my DML went around and pick up all the flowers and hid them in her room.  She was spitting mad that they had the nerve to pick her flowers.  It was truley a funny moment. We searched her room found them under her bed.   Then we had to explain that she doesn't grow these types of flowers  ...every morning when we woke up we had to tell her who we were and Why we were there. She would get all excited and want to cook for us.  (we dont let her near the stove anymore). She really is a wonderful women and its so sad to see her like this. She does have moments when she remembers things ..Like my son she told him he was just as handsome as his grandpa was.I asked her, Does she think he looks like Gerard?  she looked at me as said  Who is that?  Really true memory flashes .

 Jen your daughters are gorgeous  what a good costume maker your are! You know I think I met someone that was in the fashion show with you.  I was in Norstroms shoes depart. and 2 women were sitting together talking about there cancer.  I was in the chair behind them and introduced myself ,one was just starting her chemo the other one was just finished. first time either of them were out and about. dang it as I am writing this I realize lost her number and name.   I will find it and tell you her name.  Any way we were sharing information on different types of help when she mentioned the fashion show she did in Marin County. Wow Small world. 

There I go again writing a novel  ok Ill stop now.   Hope everyone had a wonderful Thanksgiving 

Today the Onc office called to change my Jan appointment.., just made me nervous, But going to go through Christmas and enjoy all of it ..Making all my different cookies this year.  Just loving the season. Thanking Jesus for all that I have, had and things to come!

Dear, dear friends:  I have not visited this site for many, many months, but had to do so today.  I saw a Facebook post today about Jenn, and could hardly believe it.  As I read her obituary, I realized how much I had missed her, and all of you, during this time.  I regret deeply that I did not have the opportunity to "hold her hand" and comfort her during these her last months.

This year, I had focused on re-building my practice & returning to a more "normal" life.  I guess that's why I've been AWOL.  However, I've felt like the proverbial fish out of water, not feeling completely part of the day-to-day routine of work.  I think it's because I've not had this lifeline, this tether, to women who know, without words, what BC is all about.

My absence here did not stop me from thinking about you & keeping you in my prayers.  You are brave, courageous, and irreverent, and I love all of you!

Tess:  Glad you did manage to get your practice back running.  It was a sad thing to lose LibraryJenn because reading her posts here showed how loving a person she was to us all.  Her birthday was October 31 -- would have been 31.  She was only a few months younger than my son and I can't imagine her Mom's pain -- even still.  And you are right the support we get is great here --- even still.  Take a look at the lovely girls that Jen posted a while back on her girls in their costumes -- beautiful young ladies!    Summer:  Funny that you post something about the hair because I was just looking at mine thinking -- how lifeless it looks.  I think the Arimidex causes the hair to be lackluster.  Mine still curls/ is wavy so I still just wash and go.  It might look better I attempted to do some work on it.  It would probably be better to go every other day without washing but the WILD look shorta requires me to wash it.    Glad to have it though -- beats the bald look on me.  Hoping everyone here is looking forward to some wonderful holiday gatherings.  All is doing well this week -- MIL is still the same but she is okay; new premature grandchild (husband's son's child) -- Emmalyn is in NICU and growing -- my Dad is doing well.  Too much hit last week - back is achy this week -- from tension -- I am sure.  But grateful to have such a  "normal" thing to complain about.  HAPPY PRE-HOLIDAY PLANNING and ACTIVITIES for my BC LADIES! 

Hi ladies, it has been awhile, but like you, i felt i needed to connect again. It truly is wonderful to be a year out since finishing the radiation. My hair is very dull too. It also still has a bit of a wave to it, but i am trying not to conplain. Better this hair than no hair. I dont remember if any of you did the coldcaps and if they completely worked. Kim prayers to your family and that little baby. A friend had a premie and he is perfectly fine now. Hang in there.



Photomom, i dont let nearly as many things bother me, i usually find myself sayimg, does this matter in the scope of life? Most thinhs don't!!!

So nice to see you are all here! I wish everyone of you the best Holiday ever!

Judy

Happy Holidays everyone!  Happy Hanukahh and Christmas. I have not been back to these boards for so long. I purposely stayed away. I was feeling so sorry for myself.. The past 2 years had been nothing but sorrow for me.. Between the loss of my husband and MY issues I just mulled through life. As ridiculous as it sounds, having cancer gave me something to do and survive through.Now I just have to survive without my husband and support my mom, kids and granddaughter.. So looks like reality set in.. lol

Well just realized how much I've been through and how I could not of done it with all of your help!

So thank you my friends. Thank you for keeping me focused and getting through our horrible ordeals together.

On this special week, I pray for all of you and wish you well. I also pray for many others on these boards who are dealing with chemo, radiation and mostly.NOT HAVING HAIR...

I pray that soon no other woman will have to endure what we had to

Love you all in such a special way that no one can explain

GOD BLESS 

HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone!  Premature granddaughter is doing well -- she is 3 lbs now.  I also learned my own son and his wife are having a baby in July if all goes well!  So tickled about that.  Had a recheck/diagnostic mammo Friday -- all looks good -- won't have to take the Arimidex but for 5 years -- so glad.  Oncologist had initially said it might be 10 years -- he'd see.  Sooo, I guess all looks so good within this first year that I only have 4 more to go.  Njbhwgirl said it best -- on her post!  May you all have wonderful loving good times in 2012 and all those on the various boards be raised out of their pains and hurts and fears to happier times in 2012!  Much love!

Kim - great to hear about the grandbaby and your son's new one on the way!! 

Jersey - So good to see you!!  I think there is a roller coaster of emotions that happen before, during and after treatment... it's the after that gets me too... sometimes it is easier to be doing something!  May you be blessed this new year... you deserve it... we all deserve it!! 

Denise - Glad to hear you are doing well.  And, staying connected... I am not very good at that!  I'm still thinking I need to talk to my onc about more than just an annual mammo... and that has been renewed lately especially when I remember that my cancer was missed (yes, missed) on the mammo when I felt the mass....  my onc says that it is diagnostic and they would do more tests if they saw anything, but it wasn't seen when they were looking for it, and truth be told with my size tumor, was probably missed the previous years mammo!  I think a 6 month MRI is not too much to ask with my age and dense boob.  (almost put boobs there...). 

Do you know what I love about 2012??  It's that we no longer have to say that we had cancer "last year."  Now, we get to say 2 years ago!!    That makes me happy. 

We're getting ready for a trip to Legoland with the kids this week... and to see the Blue Man Group... and I'm really looking forward to it!!   

Good to see everyone!!   

Much love,  Leanna

Hi everyone!  Sorry Day about the hurting -- yes, folks have no clue what you've been through and it has to be really annoying to have them say you have "anger issues".  You want to say "You think?"  Leanna9 -- the Blue Man Group -- how was that live?  I have a nephew that is into Lego -- big time -- sounds like you've been having fun with the kids.  GO GIRL!  Sacophotmom:  What fun enjoying the planning of your daughter's wedding!  When my son got married almost 3 years ago now, it was the most ENJOYABLE day -- I didn't have a wedding myself so I got to enjoy theirs immensely.  His wife did a marvelous job!  It was an outdoor wedding and just beautiful.  My son surprised her by having their two labs in the wedding and I made tuxs for them.  (That was my part to do and I enjoyed it -- made me feel like I was a part of it!) 

Well my 86 yr old Mother-in-law passed away on 1/8.  She was in the hospital -- too much with a bladder infection and an infection from the sore on her butt.  (She had serious back issues -- too problematic for surgery and morphine was keeping her from pain -- so it also wore down the kidneys/liver and who knows what else!)  My husband and I were with her in a "hospice" setting and the hospital people were wonderful.  Sad to lose her but she had 86 wonderfully active years and now is no longer in pain.  On a positive end, my stepson and his wife's daughter -- Emmalyn -- born 3 months premature at 2 lbs. 2 oz. is now 4 lbs. 3 oz. and doing great in the NICU.  They hope she can go home by middle to end of February -- she was due the end of Feb.  My son and his wife are going to "announce" their pregnancy next week although BIG MOUTH me has already TOLD all my friends and said for them to keep quiet.  LOL  I also rescued another dog -- INSANE I am -- was supposed to just foster but decided to keep her -- she is a mix -- Chihuahua/Dachshund -- 14 wks old -- only 3 lbs 8 oz --- very tiny!  ECCENTRIC is what I am!  I think I shall blame all my insanity on the Chemo I was given!  I hope you all are doing well!  Busy lives now -- no one needing to read up on "symptoms" / "ways to survive" what the cancer/chemo/radiation/loss of hair, etc. is doing to us!  Praying continued HAPPY TIMES are ahead for us all!

Leanna9:  You made me laugh a the nuts off/balloons in there.  Day seems spunky enough to even go there and do that!  WATCH OUT!  Feel better Day!  You have a lot going on and it is amazing that you didn't just cut off his nuts or someone's!    Leanna9, gald to know that you didn't have to deal with anything considering the news with your birth mom -- anxiety -- very.  My regular MD mentioned putting me on High Cholestrol medication when I come back in 6 months (which is end of March) -- if I haven't done better.  I haven't!  My Dad just got through telling me of some SERIOUS side effects he encountered being on that type of medication -- so LO -- I need to get serious about loosing the weight and better eating!  Anyone need a small dog that has only been with us for less than a week and is already asserting her "WILL" onto the scene!  YIKES!  Hugs to you all as we grow past the BC stuff and extra extra hugs to Day as she is still having crap to deal with! 

Forgot DAY love your hair!  

Summer:  I am going to step out and speak up (because I always do when I should probably not) -- but prayerfully I will say the right thing here.  PRAYERFULLY!  It is WRONG on SO many levels for this lady (who is having problems with her husband) to be leaning on anyone short of a REAL therapist.  I can understand how it can sorta happen since the husbands are friends and thus, she thought she could perhaps get an "inside" handle on fixing the problem through this "leaning" but enough is enough.  This being said -- here is what I suggest.  (To give you some insight on how this hits me -- I had jealous issues BIG time when I was married to my present husband due to a cheating first husband the pain of my stressing over it happening again and the "acting out" I did was so hard on my stomach and my nerves.  But that story is another day!)    My PAST experience on trying to get my husband to see my "fears" and so forth ended up with him batting it back to me on my being "insecure" and "unreasonable."  At the time that HURT me and seemed to SCREAM that I DID indeed have something to worry about -- which only fed my fears and thus, the vicious cycle in which I acted insecure and in which he would withdraw.

I get the image of "there was I time I felt attractive" but no longer have any level of that feeling.  I get that because I feel the same way.  What I want to get to you through this e-mail is no routine -- oh you survived cancer -- you fought a great fight and you are more beautiful than ever.  Because YOU KNOW this already and still the pains of what you are expressing are real AND saying the "TYPICAL" lines will not ease your burden.  The fact might be that this lady couldn't even come close to fighting such a battle -- having such inner strength and beauty doesn't lift the "fear" either -- even though it might be a BIG TIME truth!

So -- IF possible -- go get your hair styled a little differently / get your nails done -- go to a spa -- get PAMPERED.  If possible go visit a counselor -- don't take offense -- this is offered in love because they KNOW how to boost us and help defuse our fears and help us NOT READ into things which our fearful / depressed states of mind can so easily do.  Do not wear a dress to look "sexier" than her -- wear a dress (or outfit -- doesn't have to be a dress) that showcases your ELEGANCE!  Your sense of humanity -- your deep level of love of others -- you compassionate spirit to other women.  Walk with dignity -- handle yourself with inner pride of who you are and where you are going!  (I am envisioning my own mother who has had depression issues all of her life and she came from a very poor family and in a small town had rich women looking down on her -- but she could walk into a room and even if she wasn't aware of it, her sense of dignity / her sense of compassionate spirit was the BEAUTY that they all would love to have even had a pinch of having!!  She really was (is) ALL THAT!  -- and SO ARE YOU!!)

I will keep your husband in my prayers that he stop being so "male" in this "rescuing" mode that has inadvertently fallen into his lap.  Sometimes things can get "dicey" faster than we human realize and we will later joke and say it was just in fun when really we were treading on a icey slope!  (Our gut instincts KNOW it but we talk ourselves into not knowing it!) 

Please do what you KNOW you can do to regain a level of sureness of yourself in this.  Believe in yourself -- gain a level of confidence here and you will draw in confidence and respect back.  Does this make sense!??!  Don't let stupid fb or dumb joking on their part unsettle you.  I will pray it passes quickly.  I know what I am suggesting is EASIER said than done.  I TRULY TRULY do -- but you can do this -- you can regain that stronghold in yourself.  Please don't let yourself be robbed of this security in knowing you are a VERY SPECIAL / VERY LOVED / VERY BEAUTIFUL person!  (I am 55 -- so I know that I am limited in my ability to be able to understand the walk bc caused those of you so young! )  But my heart goes out to you and my prayers are with you on this situation.  I was always so tiny -- so peppy -- never had a weight issue -- never had an image issue to any degree that kept me down.  Now, I pretty much see a FAT lady looking at me so I  try not to look.  I see my hair looking good some days and then some days -- it just looks a bit funky and unreal.  I kept it blonde and now it is a dark brown and the person I see -- I am unsure of who she is at times!  I remind myself of the walk 2 years ago and the image that I am ALIVE and I try to refocus on that and not the me before.  But I know this is hard for younger people.  I truly do.  I will also pray that she gets very sick with a flu bug and doesn't come.  LOL  Blessings to you -- positive prayers -- much love -- may the weekend turn out to be beyond your wildest dreams on the end of hubby being more attentive and more tuned in.  They have funks like we have funks --  praying it will be a UNFUNKED weekend for the two of you!  LOVE YOU GIRL!  WARRIORS --- don't let the enemies of this world hold you down!

Summer - (((HUGS))) I am RIGHT THERE with you.  My husband is super-supportive, so I got a bit angry about hearing that yours has not been... I know I am about the same weight as when I started, but it has shifted unattractively, and I know this by the way my clothes fit... the DIEP left me with a waist that pooches out on the sides (yep, true muffin top) and I almost cried when I tried on my bathing suit bottom for our recent trip to Florida.  I don't recognize myself in the mirror, because like Kim, my hair color changed drastically... dark brown is foreign to me!!  I hate this short curly hair and often catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror walking by and think who is that??  All that being said... it is what it is... and I think you need to go shopping and find something that flatters your body because I know you are still sexy!  Go get streaks or a bit of a different color... ask a hairdresser what else you can do with your hair... buy new earrings... hell, buy a spanx if you think that would help (yes, I have considered those too).   Maybe you and DH need to spend some more time alone... plan a short trip... romantic stay in a hotel.  I'm sorry your husband is being a butt and isn't understanding that this is bothering you.  Have you tried to talk to him and let him know that you do not feel like your old self sexy??  I have done that with mine, and he has been so good about it!  I mean, we lost a lot, the least of which are the physical things!!  I agree talking to someone else might be helpful.  And, I too hope this other lady comes down with the flu, but if not, I know you are a better person than her because I know YOU would never do that to another woman... it just isn't right.  Go to the function, head held high and know that you are STRONG and BEAUTIFUL and we love you!!!!! 

Summer38:  It is normal for all of us (women and MEN) to have fluctuation of emotions.  That is why emotions need to be listened to but not completely guide us.    YEARS ago I went to some co-dependency meetings and they used the term HALT -- to describe how to stop yourself from things that hurt you -- never make decisions when you are HUNGRY, ANGRY, LONELY and/or TIRED.  I suppose because our bodies -- hormones and all fluctuate pretty high during these times.    I think your husband isn't giving it a moment's thought just like my husband has been at times.  They just do and don't see other factors like we women do that give us levels of concern.  OF COURSE, if it were a man and you were exchanging similar types of e-mails/facebook jokes, THEN yes, the man would definitely step up and GET IT.  LOL  They are funny this way. 

So pick something about her that you know is lacking -- play that out in your inner mind.  Focus on knowing that this something she can not control -- no matter what.  Then when your "fear monster" inside rises -- pull out that WART on her nose and make it grow and grow so that your fear monster settles back down.  No, you don't have to tell your husband that you are doing this or share it with him because it is more for your inner spirit to settle back to a "calm and peaceful" state. 

You already know that men don't walk away from their wives/girlfriends because of any lacking on the woman's part, it would be a lacking on their part.  Truly! 

Leanna had some good suggestions as well.    Girlfriend -- we want you to be HOT on the town and do us up proud -- so you kick in there and be the spunky lady you know you can be!  Get yourself some pampering and kick that funky fear monkey into the corner and enjoy this gathering.  Meanwhile we'll pray the "silly joking /leaning on" will cease to be in the picture!  We've all prayed / hugged/ shared stories and made it through the damn cancer-- our love / prayers will make it through this fear monkey sitting on your back. 

And of course, eat chocolate -- I know -- weight gain is our issue -- but sometimes chocolate has to be the coating to help us get past that moment as well! 

Don't dare beat yourself up about feeling these feelings either -- because -- trust me -- every lady on EVERY board on this breastcancer.org has had (is having) / will have those feelings from time to time -- all of our lives to a degree.  It is part of the flip side of what makes our compassionate loving spirit so divine!  HUGS to you!  Post to us if the WART on her nose makes her fall into the punch bowl.  LOL

Just thinking of something... I was actually "told" that I had cancer 10 days before my official biopsy results by the radiologist... so that would be 4/13/10...  My 3 children were born 1/4/93; 11/10/01 and 7/13/06...  They DAYS of their births is 4-13-10... just an odd fact! 

PS: Not rehiring my trainer this week . still going to get another one... got to get rid of this gut but, Couldn't take her comments anymore.. getting a new one this week!  Again attact of the women that has realized that I dont have time for things that make me upset or dont like.