So now I'm using my cancer for attention

Kayce, sorry that these family members have not been supportive but you cannot change their behaviour and attitudes.



Do you have other family and friends whom you can rely on for support? I hope so, in which case try to put your sister's family out of your mind, though I am sure their rejection is very hurtful, and draw strength from those who care.



Although you are angry and upset, I would encourage you to be civil to these family members if you do encounter them. Don't drag yourself down to their level. They should not be able to criticise you if you act with dignity and it may even rub off on them. I am just saying this as you may encounter them over the holidays.



I think it is good that you spoke to a therapist and I would encourage you to keep doing so.

Dear Kayce, I am so sorry that you need to even think about this. Thanksgiving should be a time of giving and caring and its sad to think that family has been unsupportive. I agree with your therapist and think she is spot on.

Know we care about you here. Please don't let them worry you and try to just release the anger. Focus on you and your health.

Happy Thanksgiving

Bevin

Kristen, I am sorry that you are having such miserable family difficulties at this time.  Cancer, especially when you are first diagnosed, is awful enough even when everyone is supportive.  You know we will be supportive here.  Sending hugs to you.

It's so sad !! Not only you have to battle Cancer but now have to battle your family , what's wrong with some people!!!!!!! Hope they come to understand what your going through , not guess what it be like to be in your situation ,

Kaycee I must admit I don't really care for the advice you got from the bc counselor........and the above posts I think have given you some sound advice........don't post anything on facebook until you get your footing...........and please understand you have now entered cancer world........unless your sister, BIL, husband have had cancer they will not understand your feelings, fears, your own mortality......they can't........and you can't expect them too............

this dx is going to consume you......for the next year as you go through treatment you will not have anything else to talk about.........what I would recommend is try and find something you can focus on besides your cancer.......if it is some sort of craft.......reading.......cooking.........something that can give you some sort of conversation besides bc and your current treatment........ when you are with your family including your husband.......

as far as releasing your thoughts I would either keep a journal or blog........something you can document your journey and can write down and verify your feelings without those feelings controlling all your relationships with your friends and family..........it will be too much for the people that care about you.......it is just simply too intense..........

 and that is where bc.org or other support sites can help you as far as your day to day living with this disease......... you can come here and purge all the fear and loneliness that will come as you deal with this because we do get it......believe us.......

I know you are angry at your sister and bil......they are not reacting like you feel like they should.....hell this is CANCER but don't let cancer make you a selfish person.......try and remember they may not be dealing with cancer but they all have problems they have to live with everyday.....and how can they come to you with their problems.......you have cancer......you will always outrank them........don't forget to ask your sister how she is doing and her life.........

believe it or not the world is not going to stop because you have breast cancer.....even your own world is going to continue even though now you feel like an outsider.......that is because in many ways you are.......your whole outlook is going to be seen through diseased breasts........

you have got to get out of this battle with your family and get in battle mode with your cancer....that is your real enemy.........not your sister.........don't take your anger about the cancer out on her..........right now you have anger displacement.........it's ok.....I doubt you have real control over it...........but try and understand.......your sister is probably very afraid for you but you attacking her over her response to your cancer is not going to get you the support from her that you desperately need............

shokk

I have found that when a family member or friend acts like this, I release them from my life.  I don't call them, I don't try to reconcile, I just move on with my life as though they were never in it.  I don't hold any grudges against them.  I release them to the universe to do whatever they please... just not with me.

 Unless you are willing to do this, you will continue to be bullied by these people who get some kind of sadistic pleasure out of it.  They are small people who somehow get a feeling of power and control by treating others in this manner. Don't allow them to occupy space in your head, or sap your energy that is needed for healing.

I send you prayers and all things positive! 

Kaara -- wonderful post and great advice!  Thank you -- this is what I've done with certain family members as well.

Kayce234,

Kaara has given you the best guidance for peace of mind )

I never had a sister so I never really understood the dynamics of sister relationships until I had two daughters.........I thought that since they were almost 6 years apart that they wouldn't compete with each other.......I could not have been more wrong........I think sister relationships are very complex........when they are good they are the best and when they are not it seems to hurt more.....

 I personally do not think it is a good idea to cut your sister out of your life......there may come a time when you two may really need each other........no matter how toxic your relationship may be....

 and whether you think it or not you and your sister will both be bitter about each other.....and bitterness is worse on your soul then cancer is on your cells...........

Kristen I understand your feelings are very hurt by your sisters behavior........and saying someone gets cancer for attention is just stupid........and downright mean.......but it sounds like your sister is also very scared ...........

you may want to considered as you drive along the breast cancer journey to keep the people that make you feel safe very close.......and for boneheads like your sister (is acting) and her boneheaded husband.......try your best not to take it to heart.......if I were would you I would be as nice as possible........if you stay in your home and not participate in holiday activies that will give your sister power that she really doesn't deserve.....if you treat her with kindness even though she is being a little shit it will say much more about you and take away any power she has over you and your feelings......... of course this is JMO.......

shokk

I think Kaara's advice is wonderful - I am just now learning to do this in my own life. My sister (11 years older) has always been VERY, VERY, VERY self-centered. We have maintained a relationship only because I put in all the effort. Since I was diagnosed 18 months ago, she has not once called to see how I was doing. I had one conversation in which I told her how hurt I was by this, and her response was that she was "busy", so she couldn't call. I no longer call her - I have no animosity, but I have realized I cannot maintain a relationship on my own, with no effort from the other person. It is difficult for me to quit trying to "save" dysfunctional relationships, but I'm learning.

I have a brother who did the same thing to me.  I talked with a therapist ( I needed one desperately) and was advised to NOT let my brother in to my life until he learned how to be decent to me. Advice which I followed and am happier for it. You have to take care of yourself right now, that includes your mind and body.  don't let them push you.  It seems as though your husband is supportive and that is what matters the most. Hang in there.

A friend gave me some good advice..when people misbahave as your family so obviously is..tell them "BITE ME!"   Kacye- right now it is ALL ABOUT YOU..end of story!  remember all your sisters here love you!

I love that Kathleen - "of course your family pushes your buttons - they installed them!"

I can't compare one person's experience to another person, but I suspect it is harder for people to have a severe illness and a family who doesn't understand than to have one that does.  At least with a family who understands, you don't feel so alone.

My sister passed away last summer from cancer (not breast), but we never got along.  I got a lot of  flak for not visiting her and not going to her funeral, but we just never got along.  I had to separate from her because I knew she would ask me for things I simply couldn't provide (as in hundreds of thousands of dollars.)  Over a decade ago, before she got cancer, she was complaining about the food I brought over when I was visiting her (I brought the wrong color of apple- 'We don't eat Green Delicious apples, only Red ones.' I should have known her food preferences somehow. She wouldn't even offer me a drink of water, I had to ask for some.)  Yes, she had a very serious disease, but she was a black hole; even if I gave her everything I had it wouldn't be enough.  I was to give, give, give, and she was to take,take, take.

You have to take care of yourself - remember that.  Don't let anyone into your "emotional-self" who is toxic.  You can't change or control them - so protect yourself.  This forum and keeping a journal will be excellent therapy.  There are things you can't talk about to anyone else except here on the forums.  They have gotten me through the last 9 months.

((((gentle hugggs))))