Adult children and friends avoiding me since diagnosis

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  I think many of us have experienced this - sadly, it's not rare.  Cancer has such power in our culture.

My own brother was the one who disappeared.  During the course of my diagnosis, mastectomy, and year of tCH, I didn't hear a word from him.   Typically, I take his kids for a week in the summer and that's when I heard from - his daughter.  I offered to take them again (had just finished chemo) and he stayed all of 15 minutes when dropping them off.

Now that I've had progression and just had half my liver removed - again, silence.

I think he's afraid I'm going to die and so wants to distance himself.  Yet, when my mother died, he was right there, supporting my father.

Fortunately, my sister is not like that and has been able to support me.  And, I have found support and comfort in places you'd never expect  - my coworkers, who have been amazing and kept my family fed, and also took up a donation to pay for them to stay in SF while I had my liver surgery.

The trick is to try to find the people in your life who will help and can be there for you, and learn to not rely on those who can't. Yes, it will hurt, especially when it's a child of yours.  Hopefully they will come around but if not, find people in your life who can express their love in tangible ways. 

A close friend (like a sister, I thought) of 20 years is nonexistent. It stings, but I need to focus on the special people who I can lean on.....So sorry you're going through this.

Lory,

AnnaFrederik is right.  Friends are one thing and family is another when they turn away.  My mother, who was in remission with breast cancer for over 25 years, then needed treatment for 7 years afterward went through the same with one of my sisters.  I remember telling this sister time and time again to spend time or call our mother but she had excuses such as, "I'm cooking," "I'm busy right now," and so on.  Aside from this daughter, my mother did have a wonderful support group of people which helped her.

Now, I understand what my own mother went through as far as the people who came in and out of her life.  

As for friends (or even family for that matter), it really doesn't take much to send a card, an e-mail, or text saying: "I'm thinking of you....."  Those simple words can brighten up your day.

 Your family may just need a little time to let this all sink in.  And like you said, you are treatable!  

Take care,

T

There are people who can deal with it and people who can't.  However hurtful it is, you need to let them go and concentrate on the positive supportive people (who aren't always the ones you would expect - people can be very surprising).  You are number one and have enough to deal with without being abandoned by family - leave them to their problem and just carry on looking after yourself. Maybe your son will finally confront all his fears and come back to you.  Hoping so,

Barbara 

Hi Lory



I think some people just cant process it, and it must be scary to think of your mum going through it. Perhaps its easier to ignore than deal with it? I know for me Im glad its me and NOT my mum with this disease. My sister has ignored it completely and ive heard from her maybe twice in a year, and she doesnt even ask how i am then, she asks things like what my littles would like for their birthday. I take comfort that Ive made some incredible new friends in tough times, and it has cemented existing friendships in the deepest possible way, and Im sure it will be the same for you. I hope your son and his wife can find their way to supporting you in every way you need.



And its not the same, but you have all of us :-)



Lots of hugs to you xxx

wow Finally,

I was wondering ifthere was a group of us out here and now i found it- My 22 year old is married and has three kids, and has found every excuse in the world to keep herself and my grandkids away from me, I havent been a angel- but lets just say I sure aint the party animal now. Justa card would help. My other daughter is 20 and lives 4 hrs away with her husband- she came aand stayed a week after the surgery, and keeps telling me I need to be strong for her!!!! lol And by the way doesnt call much now. And my poor son is 15, hes stuck here, and my best friend of 25 yrs daughter is here taking care of me.

(((hugs)))) connie

Im still tryin to figure this puzzle out....some people have sooo much support from their family while others get none....i do not believe that they cannot handle it..thats a bunch of crap...i do not believe that they are in denial..thats also a bunch of crap...what i do believe is that they are too self involved and use any excuse they can just not to face the fact that their family is in crisis and its not goin away....its like leave me alone....if anyone things im wrong please tell me so..

same goes for friends.i have wonderful friends and then sometimes they say i just cannot hear anymore...well damit you betta listen cause if your my friend I need you to liste....I too have quite a friends with cancer...do i wanna hear it....hell no...do i listen...you bet i do..everyday if they need me...the bc sure does suk.

end of rant...that felt good.BTW some of my family are very supportive.SOME!!!!!!

hugggggggggs K

My son has not been there for me or my mother. My sister and brother have been, and many friends and co-workers and new friends who just came to my side because they're "angels" and here on this earth to serve God and their fellow man. I'm greatful for all I've learned in this experience. 

I love this saying:

 "Fear, anger and denial are only signs of Self-Centeredness".

 "Other-Centeredness is love, compassion and kindness". 

 You can't get nor should you expect anything from those who are just not capable of giving. I was torn apart by how I was treated by my own son but I turned it into a teachable moment and now I've moved on and understand what is going on and accept it. I do my part to support others and be there when a friend or family member is in need. I hope my post gives you some mental and emotional relief and support in this experience. Remember, we're not responsible if others are "self-centered", it's their problem.

Hugs,

Kat 

Lory48:  You are so right!  My own DD is like that....took about a minute to absorb what I was saying...that I had been diagnosed with bc, and then she took off on her own agenda again.  Oh well..I wasn't very surprised.  Hasn't called me since to ask how I'm doing or how my appointments went.  On the other hand, I have two DS's that call me almost every day to see how I'm doing, and another DS that is much like DD.  I guess 50% isn't all bad!

OK bottom line----most of the time your family really dont give a shit!!!!!most of the time.

most of the time your sooo called friends really dont give a shit either....most of the time..

some of the time and if you are lucky 1/2 of your family and 1/4 of your friends really care...that is the way i feel....

once in a while you meet people who have great friends and greater family...ONCE IN A WHILE!!!!!!

This is the best place for all the support you need!!!! BIG THANKS TO THE BCO SISTAS...they really do care...

And yes i do have a few friends and family that actually do care.huggggggggs everyone I CARE. K

I have also been surprised by family and friends reactions to my situation.  I have a group of girlfriends that I have known almost my entire life.  We have always made it a point to get together at least once a month for dinner and drinks, long weekends at the beach in the summer, long weekends skiing up north, etc.  One in particular has completely shocked me with her distance.  On occasion her husband would complain that she was going out with "her friends" again, and she would jokingly say "hey, keep pissing me off and I will take you out.  And my "friends" are the ones who would help me bury your body"!  So although im expected to bury bodies I cant even get a return phone call from her.  Also, its causing her a problem with the other girls who are noticing her distance.  Ive chosen not to care.  I need to focus my energy on getting healthy.

My spouse made up all kinds of reasons why he could not go to the doctor's appointment with me after I had the biopsy. He would not come to the lumpectomy and node biopsy surgery either. His reasons for not wanting to be there were absolutely illogical. I think his behavior speaks volumes of his character. I would have gotten rid of him if I finacially was able to do so.

I just told him "You reap what you sow"