When a family member is not participating

I will just say that I was in similar circumstances, trying to take of my parents while being a military wife and living 3000 miles accross the country.  My Mom had been disabled for more than 20 years when my Dad was dx with stage IV lung CA.  My brother, my only sibling, lived less than an hours away from them.  He would pop in for half an hour here and there. I handled all the legal and business - bill paying, wills, etc.  Dealt with all the doctors, funeral arrangements, paperwork.  I was flying there monthly while still trying to take care of my own young children, while my husband was away on a military assignment.  I am sure this all sounds familiar to you - I have read it again and again all through this thread.  My Dad passed in 2001 12 months after dx.  My Mom was hospitalized repeatedly, was in and out of nursing homes for rehab after two strokes, for the next 4 years before she passed in 2005.  I was fortunate to have enough money to be able to have home health care for her.  For the last two years she needed 24 hour care as she was completely bedridden.  I managed the home health workers, as they were privately employed. After she died I took care of the estate, cleaned out the house and sold it, you name it and I did it.  I was resentful of my brother because I felt like I did the heavy lifting and he just brought flowers and candy and was treated with celebrity status.  My Mom even told me unapologetically that he was her favorite as I sat holding her hand in the hospital and he was nowhere to be seen.  This was less than a week before she died.  I took care of my parents because it was the right thing to do - but I would have liked some help from my brother.  Here is where my story is different from what I have read - 3 years after my Mom died my brother came to visit me for the first time in his life.  He just came for a weekend but I thought maybe it would be the start of a change in his level of family participation.  We had a really nice visit and I realized it was the first time in my life where it was just the two of us. I thought maybe he had looked inside and realized that he had let me down, and this would be a new start.  I got a call from my sister-in-law out of the blue a couple of months later that he was ill and I needed to come and see him.  He was diagnosed with bile duct cancer, and died 60 days after dx - 2 weeks after I came to see him. He was 55 years old.  I never really got the chance to talk to him about all of this, or tell him how I felt. As I sat at his funeral I realized I didn't know him very well, and I regretted the judgements I had made about him. I realized he was doing the best that he could.  When my brother was in high school he raised pigeons. When I came home from the hospital after my BMX there was a white pigeon on our roof. It stayed for 3 weeks.  You all may think I am silly but that was my brother, watching over me.

Special K:  Wow did you pigeon story hit home...I had a DA that passed away two years ago.  I was with her the last week of her life.  She had hospice and it was a peaceful passing.  I told her that when she passed over to send us a sign that she was ok.  She had a nickname...it was Roadrunner (like the bird) because she was always running everywhere.  The morning after she passed, my boyfriend called me to the window and asked what kind of bird that was sitting on the fence...it was a Roadrunner!  My cousin said they hadn't seen one in that part of Texas in years.  We all had a really nice cry, happy that she was in fact ok.

Kaara - When my Mom passed (at home, with Hospice) there was a hummingbird that came to the living room window where we were all sitting within the hour.  We all noticed it immediately, and commented on how strange it was that it seemed to be looking in at us.  It followed my brother around to the kitchen window.  The next day it was over the house when I went outside to say good-bye to one of my mom's good friends as she got into her car.  I am sure it was the same kind of experience you had as well.  About 6 months after my brother died my SIL was at the cemetary sitting on the bench in front of the columbarium where my brother's ashes are.  A hummingbird kept flying in front of his marker and then flying around her.  She thought it was my Mom letting her know that my brother was ok, and with her.  Apparently there is something about my family members and birds!

Special K, your stories are very moving. I am sorry about your brother's death. I wasn't expecting that ending in your earlier post about your parent's deaths. Just more proof that we never know what may happen. We may outlive the other seemingly healthy friends and family in our lives. Holding onto resentment about family disappointments only hurts us.



Believe me, this is easier said than done. I was the queen of holding grudge's. I am Italian and you'll note we have an entire vocabulary built around these words in the Italian language! LOL. We even have a word for giving someone the evil "eye."

Aw Thanks, jessica....I just did what I had to do..... There was no-one else that would, or could help her. But I felt blessed that I was the one that was there for her....

 I love thinking about her now...How when my Brother & I were little, & she was taking care of us, she would throw us in the bath-tub & scrub us with a scrub brush!!!  Man, it hurt!    She used to rinse my Dad's hair with Clorox!  And when I had to stay all night with her, & the whole room smelled like Vick's Vapo-rub, and the bedroom was pitch-black!  I was sure I would be dead by morning.

So she took care of me, like I got to take care of her!  When I gave her showers in the assisted living home, I told her "Wait!  I have to go find a scrub-brush, like you did with me & Kenny!"  Ha, ha!  We both just laughed so hard! 

Oh man, I could go on & on!

It's the things we do, almost when we HAVE to, that make us what we are.  I think it is meant to be this way.  We learn by taking over when someone else drops the ball...  And we come through it, a much nicer person. 

But again, thanks for the compliment! xoxo

I feel for you, Cowgirl. But all we can do is what we feel is the right thing for us to do - and in your case that is helping care for your dad and yourself. Your brother will have to come to terms with his decisions and live with them. 

Some people have a hard time dealing with a family member or friend's disease, cancer perhaps topping that list. They may fear how to deal with it or it brings up fears within them.

I made the mistake years ago of letting a good friend have space when she didn't want it. We both mis-read one another. After her bc diagnosis we talked and I said I understood that she was going to be going through a rough time and she should know I was there for her but that she needed to let me know when she wanted me around. My only experience had been my mom's bc and my mom didn't want people coming around or calling, she preferred to get in touch and be social when she felt like it. I'm the same way. So I was afraid of imposing on my friend's private space unless she said it was okay. When I hadn't heard from her in a little while, I got in touch to ask how she was. She was very angry with me for not socializing with her. She went on and on about how other friends drove her to chemo and went out to dinner with her, etc. I had no idea as I had been waiting for her to say she felt she wanted me around! Everyone has their own way of dealing with their conditions, and everyone has their way of dealing with the illnesses of others.

Cowgirl it is possible your brother has taken himself out of the picture because he truly can't deal with it and fears his involvement might be detrimental. Even though your family would prefer he be involved, it has to be his choice right or wrong. 

Lisa75:  I think your mother needs to know that you have bc.  As a mother, I would want to know if one of my children had an illness.  It might change her entire attitude and she will begin to focus on someone besides herself.  She might be suffering from not having someone to care for...she had your father and now he is gone.

All the best to you...I know it is frustrating, but give her the benefit of the doubt, and if she doesn't respond well, so be it.  She is going to have to know at some point.