When a family member is not participating

Unfortunatly there probably is not anything you can do about your brothers behavior.  He is in Denial.

Can you get home health to come in for your parents to help out and give you some down time?

Yes you do have reason to be upset.  Call in a social worker and see what options there are for the care of your Father, it may be a hard thing to do, but it will be the right thing.  Keep strong.

I have two close family situations in which the one sibling is absent and the other does all the work, and then when the absent one does the LEAST tiny thing, the parents ooh and aah and make a huge fuss.  In BOTH cases, it is very painful for the 'good' sibling.  I can only share my love and support (I am close to both 'good' siblings) and listen to them. And btw, they sound exactly like what you wrote. 
So no, you are not crazy at all. You are normal.

BUT I also think your parents are normal too, in that they don't want to face how much their child (your brother) is letting them down, so they look away (denial) and then are so thrilled with the slightest positive word or action from him. No parent wants to face that their child is a disappointment.

Of course ALL this is exacerbated by the fact that you are going through a medical crisis yourself.   I dont' know if ANYTHING is going to reach your brother. But I wonder if you did have a social worker involved in regard to your dad's care, and the social worker called a 'family meeting' and could talk to the both of you about what is needed, maybe he would be able to 'hear' that from an outsider. That's the only thing I can think of, other than, if it is too much for you, bring in some outside help (paid) to assist with your dad's care.

I am so sorry. 

Agree with Chrissy B. You don't see many men at support groups! But, it's no excuse for his behavior. I have many friends who've been through this type of issue with bearing the brunt of care for one or both elderly parents.



But, I think most of us have been let down by a friend or loved one after the "c" diagnosis. It's something we certainly do not expect. I was very resentful. The problem is that it's not healthy for us and WE are the one's who suffer in silence. In my case, I called my family member out on it. I said my peace and I feel better. However, nothing changed. So, I had to come to the realization that the family member is NEVER going to meet my needs or expectations and I've had to let it go. It's so hard.



On the up side, people whom I never expected came out of the woodwork to help. So, I
guess it's just a tribute to humanity. There have been some positives to come out of it.

Blue, trying to forgive your brother may be very difficult but in the long run by doing this, you are going to put your mind at ease.  He on the other hand is going to have to live with the guilt of his neglect.  I would much rather a mind at peace that one burdened with guilt.

Love n hugs.  Chrissy

My two cents:

Accept that your brother is the way he is. You are just going to drive yourself crazy thinking about him and what he is or is not doing. 

Accept that your parents love you and him. They don't want to hear anything negative from you even if it is true.

Help your father because you want to, and don't think about how much your brother is or is not doing for him.  My brother was in denial about my Dad dying. I saw more of the nitty gritty, but I also got some good quality time with my Dad. I remember how he appreciated my visits at the end. I cherish that memory and the time I spent wondering why my brother never visited has faded into the past.

Remember to take care of yourself first. FIRST. Try to take breaks from caring for others to care for yourself. Turn to people who are supportive. Sounds like these will not be your family members. Friends can be the BEST!

I wish you the best and hope this might help.

Maybe you could try talking to your brother. Something like "You can't handle being around ill people, but I can't handle you not being able to be around me. I want you here!". Better to start there than in the "Here I am taking all the shit and you do nothing" end, even if that one may feel more to the point for you. If you get him "online" with you, maybe he can start seeing what all the family needs?

Hi BlueCowgirl - Unfortunately, in our society, I think a lot of people still feel that it is more the role of daughters to look after aging parents and let the sons more or less off the hook which isn't fair. This happened to me and I see it with my friends as well.  Women feel obligated, while men feel it's optional.

It is stressful and builds up resentment against our brothers. For the sake of your own mental and physical well-being, I think it would be good to at least try to talk to both your brother and your mother about this situation.  Tell your brother that it is too much for you and he needs to shoulder some of the burden, then tell him specifically the amount of time that he needs to provide help e.g. two days a week,  either personally or pay for someone to come in.  If after that you don't get any help from him then contact outside resources, e.g. social services, neighbours or the church.  Your parents' family doctor may be able to provide some contacts.

I would tell your mother that what she is saying is hurtful to you and makes you feel as if she doesn't love you. I'm sure she loves you deeply and is just lashing out in her worry about the health of you and your father.  No doubt she is hurt by your brother's lack of support, but is afraid of alienating him and possibly losing contact with him and her granddaughter.

 The bottom line is that you need some help and if your brother isn't going to do it, you need to find it elsewhere.

All the best to you. 

BlueCowgirl, these sibling dynamics with elderly parents can really suck.  I didn't respond to your post until now because the issues hit too close to home.

So many of us at this age have parents with health problems.  Combine that with unresolved sibling conflict (I think it's residual sibling rivalry in my family), and the tension can poison any attempt to work things out.

I realized that I was carrying way too much resentment, and it affected the way I interacted with other family members.  The time I did spend with my elderly parents was filled with tension and harsh words, coming from all directions.  My mom, like yours, tended to overlook bad behavior from one child, lavishing praise on him/her, and scold the other one for not being "sympathetic" to the first child's misfortunes.  In our case, both "children" were in their mid-50's.

I thought seriously about going to a counselor to try to figure out how to cope with what was going on before it was too late.  I missed my chance -- my mom died this past year.  I did find a book that was helpful at the time.  It's called "They're Your Parents, Too!:  How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents' Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy" --http://www.amazon.com/Theyre-Your-Parents-Too-Siblings/dp/0553806998

I didn't find a definitive "cure" in that book, but it was refreshing to read stories about other adult children who were having the same problems.  There were plenty of suggestions, and some reassurance that things would either be okay or I would survive anyway.  As I wrote this post, I discovered that the author of that book has a website on the topic:  http://www.yourparentstoo.com/

Obviously, I don't have a solution to the problem.  Even though my mom has passed away, my sibling and I still battle regularly about everything my mom left behind -- including, sadly, my dad, who has advanced dementia and is in a nursing home.  <sigh>

otter

Bluecowgirl: I'll try not to go on for ages, let me just say BTDT. 

Dad died in 2004 after a one year struggle.  My sister "L" was there for him. I am 1 1/2 hrs away and did all I could do, which, in restrospect, was not enough.  Just maybe every other weekend.  Neither sister nor I were ill.  Both are parents of children under 10 (at the time). She just lived 15 minutes from him, I lived 1/5 hrs. She never asked for help. He had a wife and some outside help.  In retrospect, I should have offered.  We have 4 other siblings, none of whom helped AT ALL.  We all live w/in 2 hrs of Dad.

Mom fell, stroked and was hospitalized in Oct 2010.  The hospital was literally across the parking lot from my husband's workplace.  He visited her every single day from the day she entered that hospital until the day we brought her home to die on hospice, 12/28/2010.  He watched the sign in sheets and was stunned, disappointed, and angry that none of my siblings visited more than 2-3 times in the 2 months she was there.  I was there about 3-4 x week.  It was  30 minute drive for me from home, 15 from work, so I made the time, even if only for a 5 minute visit. Again, all siblings w/in a 2 hr drive. Sad. I handled all the legal, insurance, care decisions, etc.. I had her power of attorney and was her medical power of attorney as well. I had to make those hard decisions, even after having her direction.

Once she came home on hospice, it was 24/7 care by me, my husband, and sister "K", with the daily and weekly RN and CNA visits from hospice.  She passed on 1/10/2011, while I was out of town on a business trip (oh the guilt of THAT). 

I carried the disappointment, resentment, anger, etc... for quite awhile after her death.  Up to and including when I travelled to Texas, by car, to scatter her ashes on the family property in July.  I handled her estate.  I handled it all...... Yeah, I had some strong resentment.  Right up until siblings asked when they would get the $$ from her estate.  (There was a whopping $1,200 in her accounts).  I finally grew a backbone and let out my resentment in one short statement.  "THERE IS NO MONEY.  I used what was left to help pay for her disposal...I want you to know it cost over $3,000, but that $1,200 sure helped.  NO YOU DO NOT GET "your" lousy $200." (There were 6 kids).

Having made that statement, fortunately only twice, I felt so much better and was able to let my resentment and other negative feelings go.

The point of my long story here is....perhaps you need to make one, well planned, strong statement of how you are feeling to each your brother and your mother.  Then let it go.  You are going to do what you choose to do.  You choose to be there for your father, and God bless you for that.  It IS a choice, after all.  But, just because it was your choice, does not mean you are not allowed to have some raw feelings.  Have them.  Express them. But, do not let them destroy you. 

I want to send you big ol' internet ((((((HUGS))))) because, it sounds like you need them.

I miss my mommy.  At times I really wish she was here to help me through my struggle. On the other hand, it would have killed her to see me go through this. So........

Has this been suggested? Ask them for monetary help. Even a half-day cleaner. A nurse for three hours, etc.



I don't quite agree with the "you are choosing" line. You think - and I expect a lot of us think - that it would be wrong for you not to help. That really limits one's choices when all the alternatives are immoral ones. We live in a rude and cruel world, but I don't think I choose to not be rude and cruel. There's a real sense in which decent people can't just opt out.

You go girl

I think Blue, that you will come out of this with feelings of peace and gratitude......  If you can just handle this each day, without letting them get to you....Without a lot of feelings of blame and resentment. 

I somehow wound up taking care of my step Grandma.... For years, she was the crankiest, little old woman on this earth...  And the whole family avoided her as much as possible....I did too!  But she had a heart attack, and her world came crashing down....  So I was there for her, in the hospital, then moving her to an Assisted living place a block from my house....  She just kept getting worse every day...losing her mind.  Forgot she had a Son, (My Dad) Forgot she had a home, and a little dog I was taking care of.  Dementia had ahold of her, and it took her mind, and every memory. 

I cried every day I left her...I was the only one she knew....no-one else cared!   I had to move her to a nursing home, then another, and finally one more.... For 3 years she was like "my little girl."  I hated that no-one else cared...that I was all alone in this!   But she was "mine" and I was always there for her...every day... We had picnics, I even danced with her once when a piano player was there at the home....I pushed her around the gardens, I sang to her, and after awhile, she just didn't even know I was there.   I made sure the nurses kept leg-warmers on her, lots of blankets, & my visits were just me laying there on her bed talking to her while she "slept"....

No-one helped me.... And yes, I felt hurt for her, that her step-son, my DAD was never there for her..... But I guess he had his reasons.   This was about 15 years ago, and I still think about the time I had with her...& how much she meant to me.  That is all that matters.  No-one else. 

So "fix" what you can, & take care of yourself....You are the only one that matters....Make it easier on yourself.  What is.....IS!   We can't make people do what we want, or feel like we want them to.

Take good care......