Help-complications force me to join this "club"

first things first...BREATHE!!!  You have been through so much already.  I am so sorry about all the complications you have endured.  It must be so mentally and physically draining.  I had my bmx on 8/23 and understand how you feel to be flat.  It is so unnerving as a woman who had borderline DD's to be so flat up top.  My husband still thinks I am beautiful and says that my scars and my battle wounds.  We are in the fight of our lives and the breasts can someday be replaced.  I am waiting until after radiation therapy to get mine done and will probably not be done til 2013 with the whole process.  The stitiches and drains will come out.  Did your doctor prescribe a Mastectomy cami?  They are comfortable and can hold the drains for you.  Mine even came with some foobies inside that I wear and no one can tell the are not my girls.  Concentrate on healing your body from all this trauma it has been through.  Reconstruction can come later.  And if your husband really loves you he will not find you hideous but even more beautiful than before this happened.  You are a fighter.  We--your sisters in battle --are here for you to vent, rant, rave and through a tantrum.  We understand it all.

Maggie

jtslg, first thing is here's a {hug} you have been through so much! 

baywatcher, I also started my BC journey because of microcalcs on a digital mammo.  However, in my case they were clustered around and obscuring a tumor.  So having a mastectomy turned out to be the right decision for me.

While many women choose reconstruction, I did not.  I was advised as such by my mom, who is a long-term BC survivor, and her opinion coincided with my inclinations.  Also this website really helped me http://www.breastfree.org/ 

You're kind of stuck fashion-wise until you get the drains out. I used one of those post-mx camis with the drain pockets but also wore oversized flannel shirts (it was winter) and hung the drains around my neck with a loop of white ribbon.

Healing comes first then assess your options. I'm sorry about the scars.  Mine are considerable but fading somewhat.  Maybe I'm accustomed to them after almost two years.  My husband's been great.  He's cried with me but says what's important is that I'm OK.  I'm not sure if he's used to it yet but we're still happily married if you know what I mean. Once you heal, there are lots of pretty camis and silk feels nice against your skin. Best wishes!!

jtslg, I don't know exactly what to say. Those of us who decided against recon and chose to go flat didn't experience the extreme disappointment and frustration you've felt through your recon "failures".  Misadventures.  Disasters?  Don't know what to call it.

What you've described is what I feared, and is the main reason why I decided not to have recon in the first place.  So, I'm flat on one side (didn't have a bmx, 'cause I only had one tumor on one side), and it's a simple, fairly thin, pale pink scar.  Your scars are complex and angry right now, but they'll eventually calm down and just, well, ... be there.  I think you'll figure out how to deal with that.  First, though, you have to figure out how to deal with the fact that you hoped to be on the road to recovery by now, and have some semblance of breasts again.

Be gentle to yourself.  Pamper yourself.  You've been through h*ll.

There are creative things you can do to hide your drains and still dress nicely.  I'm a slob at heart -- I prefer to wear loose, casual clothing.  But I had to go back to my cancer center for surgery rechecks before my drains were out (I had 2 drains on my left side).  What I did was find a knit "shell"/dressy-looking T-shirt-type shirt, which I wore untucked over nice slacks.  Over the shell/dressy T-shirt, I wore a loose jacket.  The jacket had pockets, but I didn't want to put the drain bulbs in there because I thought it would look crude, plus the tubing would show.  So, I used safety pins to clip the drain tabs to the inside fabric of the jacket, on the fabric near the pockets.  There were enough layers there that nothing showed on the outside. 

Oh, and I didn't even consider wearing a bra at that point -- my scar was still too fresh.  (My surgeon had said to wait about 6 weeks before even being fitted for a prosthesis and bra.)  Being bra-less, I was flat on my mast side, but my lopsidedness wasn't noticeable because I'm only a 34B/36A on the "good" side.  You'll be flat on both sides, so you won't look lopsided at all.

I checked and re-checked myself in a mirror before we left for the cancer center.  I actually thought I looked pretty good (compared to my usual jeans-and-T-shirt), and there was no sign at all that I'd had a mastectomy and was still lugging around those @*#!!! J-P drains.

This is a really difficult time for you, but you can do this.  Your body will heal.  If your husband is like mine, he won't rush you... but he won't avoid you, either.  He will be more concerned about hurting you than anything else.  You can help him, by guiding him and letting him know when it feels okay.  There's plenty of time for that, though.  No hurry.

Hugs to you, jtslg.

otter

[ETA:  shastamom said it best.  Wonderful post.]

Just wanted to let you know I understand how you're feeling.  I lost count of how many drains I had before they had to remove my implant.  I won't bore you with my silly story I just wanted you to know you are not alone.  I kinda felt like I was.  Please message me if you'd like and I'll be happy to share my story with you and answer any questions I can.

((( You )))

Jtsig, I am sorry you had such a bad experience. I had a similar one and have come a long way since April when I deconstructed, having my implants removed and the muscle repaired. I had a rough expansion phase but was reassured the pain would be gone once the permanent implants were in place. I was fine for three months, then I developed mild truncal lymphedema. Didn't receive good care by the first LE therapist, and within six months I had a major flare. I found a new therapist and was treated properly. At the same time, my implant started to distort and poke outward and became quite painful. My PS wasn't very helpful and minimized the issue.




Eventually, after getting a second op, my original PS diagnosed capsular contracture. I didn't like the sound of any of his solutions, and by that point I had found a PT, a LE therapist, and LE physiatrist I trusted, as well as having a good friend who is a PT. My lymphedema became the overriding factor in my choice to deconstruct. I initially met with a different PS to consider replacing my implants, and I read a lot about the risks for developing CC again with replacement implants. Any surgery was a risk for exacerbating my truncal LE and causing more scar tissue, which really frightened me. I didn't think I could handle that plus another possible implant failure, which would then require another surgery.




So, I opted to quit and get off the pain roller coaster in order to save my sanity. It was a tough decision, and it was definitely like revisiting the bilateral mast three years earlier. At least it brought relief, and I no longer felt imprisoned by silicone objects inside me. My chest is not a pretty sight, and one of my pectoral muscles was permanently damaged and couldn't be completely repaired. My ribs are concave from the expanders/implants, and my PS left some extra skin to minimize the impact of surgery on my LE. It is what it is, and while I had hoped for a tidier chest, I have come to terms with the new me. Because of the truncal LE, I have chosen for now to go form free and have been experimenting with new clothes. I am finally feeling good in my own skin again and confident with how I look. I am glad to be healthy and 99% pain free. Unfortunately, the LE is forever but it is much easier to cope with now.



The PS who removed my implants instructed me to give myself time to mourn and get used to my chest. It sure is a tough process, but it can be done. I wish you the best, Jtsig, and hope you feel better as time passes.