Aging Parents Anonymous

Relaxing day (mostly)....went to the pool with my mom around noon time for a couple hours...chatted and read....we came back to the apt for lunch and then it started raining and has rained most of the day....we did get a short walk in....Dad can be very unreasonable....when he gets cold he only wants the heat turned on...doesn't want to put a sweater on, blanket or space heater.....It was around 6:30 and I asked mom if his blood sugar might be low and sure enough it was....we got him to eat and then he was much more reasonable...put a space heater on and he was okay with it....It seems that he can be mean at times....He said he is retired after I made a comment and I said so is mom and dad said mom is not retired till he dies!!!!  Yes their dynamic has been going on for years!!!  How mom responds depends on how warn down she is.....I'm trying to support her and let her see that dad is not going to change and its she who has to figure out what to do to make her life more bearable.....she is listening.....but at times she says I don't want to talk about it as it upsets my stomach....trying to get her to see that she needs to talk...so far mom hasn't gotten annoyed with me....Not sure what we are going to do tomorrow...hope the weather is nice so we can get out...either to sit by the pool or go somewhere......

Oh Kira, I am so sorry. I just can't imagine that. Although I was widowed 19 yrs ago, and that still hurts as I miss him a lot.But to not be able to talk to your mom, yes that would be very hard. I do feel lucky to still have my parents. My mom and I have always been especially close as we like all the same things. Usually when we shop, whether for clothes or things for the home, she likes to buy the exact same things I do. And if there is only ONE, then she is NOT happy about that.....LOL....unless I let her buy it instead of me. When we are shopping, it seems like old times, but she does get tired quicker than she used to. A few months ago, she could go all day and keep up with my fast walking, but now after 2-4 hrs or so she is ready to go home. The next day, she may not remember what we did, but she remembers she had a good time. Can't ask for more. I just dread the day all this ends.

Karen, Glad your mom is listening to you, a little bit, at least. It will be quite an adjustment for her, to change things, so she prolly needs to do it slowly. The more you mention changes she should make, the more she might realize that you are right. Glad you had some nice time at the pool with her today!

Hugssssssss,

Kathy

Apple...Dad really isn't a mean person....he just gets mean when he is feeling miserable....low blood sugar and freezing....but the meanness is more like a toddle being mean...he just yells......a cranky kind of yell, not a mean person yell......

Mom is just soooooo overwhelmed.....I emailed DH this morning about what's happening today and he said if I needed to come done monthly he would support me on this.....it just really scares me......if I could cry, I would be crying!!!!!  I go back and forth with who I am more worried about....Dad or Mom.....in many ways its mom that worries me more....Dad's memory is shot so he doesn't remember if/when he took his sleeping pill or tylenol and then a couple hours later will demand more and when we say you took it two hours ago, he says I don't care, I want another tylenol.....he really doesn't care if he takes too much when he wants one, but he wouldn't go and take a whole bottle...he is not a danger as he doesn't wander off, doesn't cook etc, but it is very draining....mom said dad wet the bed last night but he won't remember and I asked how could he not know the bed was wet and she said that when he could up to go tot he bathroom she changed the sheets.....dad just wears a night shirt...won't wear depends to bed as if he gets up to go to the bathroom he can't get them down fast enough.....

Last night his blood sugar was too low so we finally go him to eat something and his mood changed quickly and he was more amenable to putting a blanket on or using the space heater....we put the space heater in the bedroom when he went to bed and after a while he complained he was too hot and couldn't breath!!!!! and to turn it down.....those are the same words mom uses......dad just wants a "warm" house......going to buy another space heater to day and see if he'll use that...they can keep one in the bedroom that can also go in the Florida room and keep the other in the kitchen......

Part of me thinks that my dad is too much for my mom to handle at home...but is not just dad, but mom who is so overhwelmed, but just not sure that he needs assisted living......I was talking to mom this morning about support groups and she googles all the groups in her area.....I told her she only needs to look at 2...the one where dad goes to "senior" care and the one where her counselor is......she just makes everything so hard on herself by making it such a tough decision.....

Taking stuff out of the dryer she fell....she is okay but it scared me...mom said it was cuz too much stuff on the floor and she's just so upset......I wish I didn't have to go home tomorrow but its best that I do.......I found the # for their pcp and email for mom's counselor.  I think I'm going to call them.....and not tell mom and ask the best place to start getting info to help....well maybe I'll ask mom for permission....I know with confidentiality they can't tell me anything about mom or dad, but they can give me info about supports in the area and I know I can give them info and they can just listen....or they'll tell me they can't even listen.....need to sort it all out.....mom just told me that she was going to email her counselor and I told her I could help her with it....she didn't say no, but she didn't say yes, but I think she will let me help write it.....she just makes things more difficult than they need to be....The longer I'm here this week-end and the more I write, the more I realize that they both really need help......

Oh Karen, Yes, it does seem like they really do need help, and quickly. Is there any way you can extend your trip? I know airlines charge and arm & a leg to change tix, but OMG it sounds like it is an urgent situation. I am glad you plan to check on what help they can get. I wish I was closer and could help too. Is there anyone in their retirement community that could check in on them and let you know how things are going, when you are back at home? OR someone from church, if they are even still able to attend a church, that is. Really sounds serious to me, and I know how much you will worry about them. Praying and hoping for a good solution, that will help both of them get the care they need (mostly rest from all the caretaking, for your mom), as your dad seems to need quite a lot of care right now. You are a good, loving, caring daughter, and can just do so much. SO glad you went down there. (((HUGS)))

Karen, Glad your DH says you can return as often as needed! If you do get a late flt, can you then catch the shuttle to their house? Tell your mom you don't want her driving to the airport that late? (When you return next month or so). I know my parents get overwhelmed too. And then they don't hear as well (even with hearing aids), so they HATE to have to make phone calls to businesses, etc. Too bad they do not go to synagogue anymore. Is there a homeowners association, or an office there where she lives? Sometimes people (that live there) might let the office know if they are available for part-time work. Would be nice to get someone to come in for a few hrs at night, like you said. Or even a young person that can be trusted. This is the first time I have had to help my mom get her clothes picked out for her trip. Luckily she has a lot of new outfits, and everything she has fits her (unlike me!), so it didn't take too long. I filled her xtra pill box for our trip and I will put it in MY carryon, to make sure it comes with us! I think she still is mixing up her pills some, as she felt dizzy today, and one pill she takes should have more left, but we will be a couple of days short, till we can refill it. My DH took my Dad out for the day, and they had a good time. It always amazes me how much my dad does. Hope you enjoy this last night with your parents (till you return)!!!! SO glad you are helping them as much as possible.

Karen, please know that I am praying for you. I can relate to so much of your struggle. My parents can not afford assisting living and my Dad is very stubborn. It is my Mom with the demensia. I will be flying to see them Tues b4 Thanksgiving.

Reading this forum is so vert sad. Kathy, you ARE blessed to have your parents in such great shape at their ages. I know that does not diminish the pain of seeing them go downhill. I would love to meet them when I meet you. Will check to see if my friend Scoooby has extra miles to bring us both to you....a girl can dream.....this forum IS sad but I am also glad it is here. I will be needing it. Sending all you great ladies hugz and prayers! I hope I get to know you all better as "that other journey" continues. 

I talked with Mom tonight....read her the email from the counselor....I think Mom is in denial.....it is so hard to be across the country from them....trying to figure out the best time to go again....thinking mid November...but that may be too soon....also thinking about my winter break....Mom is exhausted yet, if its been a good day, says she doesn't think Dad needs to be placed yet!!!!  I will make phone calls this week and see what I can find out for Mom....maybe that will help....I think its just too much for her to do alone....I jsut want to cry....oh yeah...I can't cry....now if I could it would be so cathartic!!!!

I think that the elderly are over medicated in our society.  My DA who was 89 when she passed was taking so many medications that we could hardly keep up with them ourselves!   She was very independent and lived alone until she was 85, then my cousin moved in with her to help care for her, and she suffered the wrath of my DA each day.  When I came to visit I suggested that they see the doctor and wean her off of any medication that was not something she needed to survive, like her heart medication.  They did, and she improved dramatically and lived a quality life until just a week before she passed.  Many medications have SE's and interact with other medicines and the result is confusion and sometimes personality changes.

My boyfriend's DM is 97 and takes no medication at all.  The doctor tried to put her on statins and blood pressure medicine and she flatly refused!  She takes a tylenol now and then for her arthritis, she is sharp as a tack, and can run circles around all of us.  We only wish she would get a hearing aid, but that's not going to happen. 

Well, here I go again.

Got a call last Thursday evening, telling us that MIL, who's 89, was on her way to the hospital by ambulance. She'd had a sore throat and "cold" all week, and had stopped eating and drinking (and taking her meds) on Tuesday. She didn't tell anyone, though -- not even the home health nurse who came on Tuesday afternoon to check on her, or the aide who came on Wednesday to help with her shower.  (She's very good at keeping secrets.)  Her plight was discovered by a different home health aide who came to help with housekeeping on Thursday.

We packed for the trip, and were told en route that MIL had influenza -- the real deal -- so was in "isolation"; and we would need to don masks and gowns to visit her. She was p*ssed, 'cause she was diligent about getting flu shots every year. We were also told she was not allowed anything to eat or drink on Friday until after completion of a "swallow test" to find out why she'd been unable to swallow food, pills, etc.

When we got there Friday evening (7:30 pm), sure enough -- there were gowns and masks, and nurses aggressively insisting that we wear them. But, they said, she didn't have influenza -- she had "RSV" (respiratory syncytial virus), which causes the same symptoms in elderly people and is equally dangerous to them (as well as being contagious).

MIL told us her swallow test was done around 3:30 that afternoon, but she hadn't been given any supper. I checked at the nurses' station -- "Why didn't MIL get any supper?".  Answer:  "Because she's NPO today."  Okay, but that was for the swallow test, which was done by 4 p.m.  Why is she still NPO?  Answer (after flipping through med record):  "Because her doctor hasn't written any orders about meals."

Okay, so it's Friday evening, which means nothing gets done until Saturday or maybe even Monday.  And, I know that MIL's doctor has signed out for a 4-day weekend (until Tuesday) and left someone else to fill in for her.  So I say, "Will you please check with her doctor on this, right away?  She should not be NPO now, especially if it's just because 'there are no orders.'  One of the reasons she is here in the first place is because she hasn't eaten since Monday."

Nurse flips through record again, reading it this time....  "Oh. It says here that she is just a slight 'choke risk', and can have whatever food she wants."

I resist the urge to reach over the counter and throttle this otherwise-sweet nurse, who was ready to keep MIL NPO indefinitely (apparently) and blame it on "lack of orders", rather than actually read the med record and see that the orders were there the whole time.  The nurse says, "We'll get her a meal, right away!", and, bless her heart, she does exactly that.

But, what about the influenza-vs-RSV confusion?  When Mr. otter arrived at the hospital this morning (Sunday), Med Student was examining MIL.  (He said he works with the regular doctor -- the one who's gone 'til Tuesday.)  Mr. otter asked him about the RSV thing, and he looked puzzled.  "She doesn't have RSV -- she has parainfluenza virus."  "Are you sure?," Mr. otter quizzes him, explaining that the nurses have been telling us it's RSV, and making us wear gowns and masks (neither of which the medical student is wearing).

Med Student hunts through the med record, and announces, "No, there never was any RSV identified.  The only viral test that was positive was for parainfluenza."

After Med Student leaves, Mr. otter goes out to the nurses' station to ask about the infectious disease precautions.  Nurse assures him that MIL does, indeed, have RSV, which warrants the hazmat routine.  Mr. otter says, "But, that's not what Med Student just told me.  He said there is no RSV -- it's parainfluenza." 

Nurse starts paging through med record, and says, "Oh, yes, here it says she's positive for parainfluenza virus."  Mr. otter asks why everyone has been telling us she has RSV.  Nurse reads some more pages, and says, "Well, it says in the notes from the ER that they thought she 'might' have RSV, because of her symptoms.  But, it's not RSV.  It's parainfluenza virus."

Ten minutes later, the "Isolation" sign on MIL's door is gone; the pile of gowns and box of masks has been put away; and my MIL's room is open to unrestricted visitation.  After 3 days of being in quarantine for no legitimate reason.  <sigh>

Do these people not ever talk to one another?  Aren't there supposed to be daily meetings in which they share and discuss new information, and make sure everyone is on the same page as far as the plan?  Why is it necessary for the patients and their family members to ferret out the facts and clear up the confusion?  (There's more, but I'm already way too long-winded.)

Is it just me?  Am I just being a grouch?

otter   

Sam, how dreadful. I am shocked the hospital DID NOT put rails on his bed, and didn't even tell you he had been falling there. Thank God that Dr told you and you were able to stay until he was "safe" with some rails. Did he get hurt from those falls? Again, I guess they would not tell you....sheesh that is just awful. And for him to be lying there all those hours on the landing...so glad someone found him and he was taken to the hospital! I am so sorry for what has happened to him, Have his potassium levels been checked? My late stepdad was falling and confused until we found out the potassium he was on, was waaaaay too high. They got that corrected, and then he was fine and didn't need help walking, and didn't pass out anymore. I sure hope your dad improves, and is treated much, much better while in the hospital.

I wish these were highly isolated unusual incidents, but sadly that is not the case. So sorry Apple. Your dad's system was probably overworked from the operation he didn't need, which might have hastened his death. That is so very sad. Oh and your poor mom too....but how are we supposed to know what to do? I know you were a very loving, caring daughter, but we are not doctors or specialists and can just try to monitor what we can. IT just isn't fair, the treatment (or lack of) given to our parents. When my stepdad was 91, we had to monitor his health, which until then seemed very good....he still walked a couple of miles a day (had jogged 5 mi a day starting in his 60's until his mid 80's or so). But then he had the potassium overdosing problem, so when we got that regulated, then they discovered cancer. Why oh why did they have to put him through those operations, as he never really recovered after that, and died in the hospital. I am lucky for my parents health (they remarried ea other 7 yrs ago), but I know the day is coming when their health will be a big issue.I am learning all I can from you girls. Thanks for sharing.

Got my tickets today to go see my folks next month...Mom was struggling today...spend a long time talking and just listening......she's so worn out after going on 5 years as care taker but not ready to give up any of the responsibilities....she's just so unsure of what help or relieve would be helpful...what would make life easier for her......

Thanks...will try that and see what comes up....