Please help me to understand

Rebekah · November 2011

I come to you young brave ladies to help me deal. Its my daughter who has cancer, she was diagnosed in August 2010, still doing some treatment with the Herceptin chemo. She is married and lives in a different city. No children, she is just 26.

All our lives when she was a little girl and then later we were very close, shared activities, spent a lot of time together. We had our ups and downs. We can both be emotional, but there was real closeness between us, even after she moved out, and got married (she has a good husband, very very supportive through this). We didn't talk very much on the phone but I knew she loved me. She is my darling, my first born, my life. That is what I thought our life would be.

When she got cancer, things changed. It was like she didn't want me in her life. She would tell me things, but it was like there was a wall went up between us. I was upset when she was diagnosed and cried a lot, but tried to be brave. I was scared out of my mind. She would get angry at me for being dramatic, so I learned to be quiet, but it was hard, I was always so scared. She is real close to my husband, and her husband and her husband's family, loving and happy and joking with them, but it was like I was the enemy, she always looked suspicious at me. She tells other people things about me that are not true, that I am disturbed emotionally. I heard this from her cousin, my brother's daughter. Exaggerations, she sounds like she believes. I swear I didn't ask for this--I have always always been loving and supportive, would give her anything!

She is okay now, no cancer, her surgery was successful and she has to take tomosifen for 5 years. She has a career and is really throwing herself into it, working long hours. But every time I talk to her I hear the chill in her voice and when she writes me emails it is never "Love, L____," just her name.

What did I do? What can I do to make it better? I am asking you young ladies because you are my daughter's generation and maybe you can see what is happening or help me to understand. Did you pull away from your mothers? If I could just understand maybe I wouldn't be hurting so much. I try to stay calm and keep my cool when I see her, not very often now, but inside my eyes and my throat are burning. I just want to hug her and cry.

I'm sorry to be putting this on you. You all have hard battles to fight. My heart is with you. I have been just a lurker on this sight, since its not me with the cancer. But I have a weight in my heart from this and hope you can see to help me a little. Bless you all, thank you

Chickadee · November 2011

We can't possibly know what has transpired but I would bet that the family members she is close to might be able to pin it down. Perhaps your fears and emotions became difficult for her to manage. Talk to your family and listen.

Rebekah · November 2011

That is such a beautiful little bird in your profile, Chickadee--sorry I just had to say that first. I have a bird feeder my Dad gave me and I love to watch the little things outside my window.

Thank you for your advice. My husband talked to her, told her to go easy on me, but it won't last more than a couple hours. He agrees she treats me unfairly. She has a really strong will. Its helped her alot in this, but sometimes I think she turns it on me, gets angry when I'm not strong like she is. Your right about her not liking my fears and emotions--she gets really impatient with me.

I don't think it would be this hard if we hadn't been really really close when she was growing up. I feel like something died when she got the cancer. Don't mistake me--I am grateful to the Lord that she is cancer free and if I have to give up what we had for that, it's an easy choice.

Thankyou for listening and replying. Smile

tarry · November 2011

Rebekan, I see that you care more about your daughter and her needs than yours. I am so very sorry about the problems you've had. You have so much to give.

If I think about people I know, then I'd suspect she has found your emotions and needs too big a burden for her. I would bet she feels your needs as a topic have replaced hers. I DO NOT KNOW YOU, AND THIS IS CERTAINLY NOT A JUDGMENT ON YOU. I Just think this is very easy to happen, and I've seen a lot of it.

If I were you, I'd seek out a therapist who could help you find ways to help her realize she is the one who is at the center.

debbie6122 · November 2011

rebecca- I sorry you and your daughter are at odds right now, as others have said I dont know you or your daughter but it sounds like you love your daughter very much. My daughter was diagnosed with BC before me, I went to stay with her ( in another state) while she was going through her chemo treatments, at times she was unbearable to be around but i knew it was because of everything she was going through, and being young like your daughter, she has 2 small children to worry about as well, she was angry all the time, I had to bite my tongue because I didnt want to upset her further and knew this was not her, not the way she would normally react.

That being said, when you go through somthing like this, it changes you. I know when I went through my chemo and my friends or family got upset i kind of closed down, more for them so i didnt upset them, plus i didnt want to deal with there emotions while i needed to concetrate on me at the time. Also some of my dearest friends who didnt call during my treatments upset me, im not saying you didnt call enough because i have no idea weather you did or not, and it wouldnt be your blame but could she be holding some grudge against that if that were the case?

You sound like a good loving mom, I would give her time and call her often, let her know how much you love her.

I hope it all works out for you, sending you best wishes and hugs

Debbie

MiniMacsMom · November 2011

In this situation I feel like I am more like you daughter than you, I am 27 just DX 2 weeks ago with Cancer and have already had a MX. I start chemo in a few weeks and have had to deal with so many choices that could affect my life in a matter of days.... So I have my mom here and some wonderful friends who are helping me with my son, my house and even small things like taking a shower and getting dressed I am EXTREMELY grateful to these people. I know I could not make it through this without them BUT, I am also sad, angry, jealous... the list goes on. We have to greive for our losses and for some thats harder than others. I was a stay at home mom who spent time with my son ALL the time, I could count on 1 hand the times I had left him and then it was for no more than a few hours. Now, I have to be gone for a day or days at a time, when I am here I can't pick him up or wrestle with him like he wants. He is 15mo old and doesn't get it. When he runs to my mom or my friend for comfort now, it breaks my heart. Again, not the same as your daughter, but we have these uncontrolable feelings sometimes, which doesn't make us any less grateful for the support. Your daught truely just might not have the patience for what you make her feel. it takes a long time to get to a point of acceptance with your cancer and your losses. Please don't me mad a her and try not to push her. She really just still might be barely keeping it together herself. Maybe she is realizing she now isn't supoosed t ohave kids for a while or all sorts of other things. Hugs nd luck.

Rebekah · November 2011

Thank you ladies, you have helped me very much to understand. I will write more in a few days, I have to go visit my Aunt in another state and help with some of her household stuff. Tarry you are so right I think she thinks my needs are taking over hers, I can feel that. Debbie my closest friend just disappeared when my daughter got cancer, it was unbelievable, so I know how you felt, I think my problem was I called tooo much LOL. See you in a few days.

Hugs,

Rebe

hydeskate · November 2011

Rebekah, my dad is in the same postition as you, I was dx at 29 and during my treatment I litteraly stoped taking calls from everyone especially my dad. I couldn't handle his emotional state, I came to terms with my dx very quickly, the rest of the family still hasn't and I was dx in 08, I got sick and tired of being asked how I felt or I shouldn' be doing that, or I read this...etc. I would only answer calls from three of my female cousins and my sister becasue they would call just to talk and wouldn't ask questions, they waited for me to divulge info.

Everyone else including my Dad had to talk to my sister to find out what was going on, but it started to get taxing on her as well, that is when I started a blog, That has helped everyone immensley to deal with it and has helped my Dad some. My sister like your husband would also tell me to easy up, but it is not as easy as it sounds.

Before treatment I was close with my Dad and my sister wasn't, our roles have reversed now my sister is close to my dad and I am not. Our "new" relationship is slowly taking shape three years later, I still don't feel comfortable around my dad but I try to make sure he doesn't have the same feeling.

sundermom · November 2011

I am a little older than your daughter. I was diagnosed at the age of 37. I think i spent the first two weeks thinking I wouldn't possibly get to see my kids to grow up. It was heart wrenching!!! I do think sometimes when we feel we are at risk of losing our lives we may start to distance ourselves from our loved ones thinking that it may save them some pain and suffering. I kind of sensed myself doing that with my mother in the midst of chemo. I hope you are able to restore your relationship.

Chickadee · November 2011

Lightbulb........maybe the relationship of mother-independent daughter got derailed back to mommy's little girl just when she was reaching for her own dreams and plans. Not fair, but you might represent a loss of some important sense of adulthood that she was just beginning to enjoy. My 20's were long ago but that would have really frustrated me to go back to dependent on mom at 26 when I was just starting to feel my oats!

The chickadees are back at my feeders and they are a favorite. I'm waiting for the goldfinches next!

!

velutha · December 2011

Rebekah,

As a young BC currently going through treatment, my mom has been very supportive, but she does make me nuts. We're a hereditary BC family, and although she says she doesn't feel guilty about my diagnosis, I think on some level she does. She is also more emotional than I am, and feels angry/sad/depressed about my dx. I am completely unable to handle anyone around me being upset because of my illness. It makes me physically and emotionally ill. So basically, she's only allowed to be with me if she can be positive. I know this is difficult for my family and friends, but ultimately, I'm the one with cancer, and doggone it, if that isn't a reason for me to get my way, I don't know what is. They need to go cry with someone else. So it's possible that she's withdrawing from you because it's just painful for her to talk to you. It's also possible that she's depressed and that's why she's withdrawing.

I would involve a counselor, for yourself -call the American Cancer Society to get a referral. If you have a good relationship with someone near your daughter, I would try to carefully work your way back into her life using them as a proxy -but only if you can do that without making that middle man uncomfortable. You need to give her an opportunity to establish some boundaries that work for her. If you can't talk to her, maybe you can support her with food, fun magazines, etc. I would be hesitant to write letters, leave voicemail, etc, because if communication is hurting her, then you could make it worse by continuing to push. One simple, "I'm here whenever you need me, just tell me what I can do" is probably a good start.

skylar321 · February 2012

Hi Rebekah:) I know I'm chimming in on this post a bit late, just noticed this part of the site, but thought I might add my "2 cents"...I've actually been thinking about something similar to this for a little while now. I'm 31 and have a fairly close relationship with both my parents...more dad to day things with mom, big issues more so with dad. I can only tell you what I think, not why your daughter has been pulling away...but for me....I know that i would DIE inside if I saw my parents break down or be upset over me or my life, including possibly having BC. I know that if I saw my health issues upsetting them I would probably pull away as well. Not because I WANT distance in the relationship, just that I dont want to see them upset over me. I can only imagine that that's kinda how your daughter might feel since ya'll had such a close relationship before all of this. I wish you and your daughter all the best in forming a NEW type of relationship, hopfully even better and closer (in time) than it was before:) HUGS!!!

Please help me to understand

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