Haven't been here in a while

Well my friends, it has been one helluva rooller coaster ride!

Came home one day from work and found my husband on the couch w/just foam at his mouth. Called 911 and damn near broke my bad arm trying to yank him awake, yelling out his name to arouse him. I got one eye half way open with a "non one home stare".

Turns out he took a whole bottle of my pain meds, was in cardiac care for three days. His liver died, his kidneys died and he gave himself a heart attack. Everything came back to normal and the doctor's were shocked he even lived. It's been a long haul since then. I've got PTSD real bad, nigtmares, afraid to leave him alone, in a constant state of hypervigilance and soooooooooo depressed. Anxiety has hit the roof !

Then as soon as I began to feel a little reprieve because his psychiatrist finally got him on a med coctail for his depression that seems to be working, my oldest son who wil be 34 on 11/11/11 ends up in ER with two "huge pulmonary embolisms". No known cause. Tested for Von Liedens Thrombophyllia and other Factor 5 clotting disorders. Negative on all. May be on coumadin for rest of his life. Praying for six month check up to let him know he's free of this awful medication. His psychiatrist is blaming his prozac. My son stopped it too suddenly and it does thin the blood. Scary part was they were about to discharge him telling him he was fine, until he insisted on a catscan for possible PE. Was hospitalized for 5 days.

My mother had Von Lieden's and was on it for 30 years. It saved her life but in the end it gave her bladder cancer (a known outcome).

Meanwhile, my employer handed me an HMO. My first PCP was just the most unpleasant person I had ever met and treated me like I was a bother becaue I had an HMO. Later I learned the hospital network she's in (I have twelve docotors in it) is trying to back out of this HMO. I have an appointmnet with my heart doctor, (referral only took 3 weeks) for follow up on radiation fried carotid artery. PCP wouldn't even give me my emergency antibiotics for my lymphedema. So I have to find another PCP in a different network and keep my fingers crossed I find a healer and not some greedy, careless witch. But I can't do that until December if I want my heart appt. paid for. Some great system, eh! Meanwhile, out of no where, I have developed bone pain in my hips and thighs. It literally hurts to walk and I am not on any BC meds that could cause this because of my adverse history.

I am just a wreck, seeing a pain mangement doctor, have tried every antidepressant in the book and ended up with life threatening adverse reactions.

Soooooooooooo I'm exhausted, I'm pissed, I feel terrified with this new health insurance and I also feel like my husband needed way more help than he ever got. I know what it's like to be a caregiver.......... and he and I both have had way too much of that role. There just isn't enough room in the world for my stress. But oh Yeah! I'm still working full time. Gotta bring home the bacon until we have enough saved to do some needed repairs on our retirememt home. Workin on it. But I am so dead ass tired when I come home. Some days the tears just leak out without my permission and it's difficult to get them to stop.

I want my life back and I can't have it. I want the pain to stop and I can't have it. Holidays approaching now brings dread rather than joy. Need to find some joy.