April 2011 chemo

Hi, Suzy: For me it will always be January 18, when I got the news. But in reality, I am guessing it's one year from when we first did something about it, either chemo or surgery. So that's March for me. Either way, I am going to do something on 1/18, probably for the rest of my life.

Been missing you gals. Struggling through Taxotere #3; On to #4 in two weeks. I hope everyone is doing well. Man we've been through a lot.

I cried myself to sleep two nights ago from my mind suddenly unloading on me and remembering it all. And I mean ALL. The lump, the trip to the hospital, the mammogram, the radiologist in her darkened office showing my husband and me the xray, the terror I felt driving home thinking I would never again see blue sky because I was going to die, having to tell my mom, having to tell my kids, hiring a tow truck to get me to the biopsy in a blinding snow storm, the screaming pain of the biopsy with my husband holding my hand, prepating for surgery, reading books by the score, living on the Internet, doing weeks of research, doing weeks of hypnosis, buying a million supplements and spending hundreds of dollars on them, meeting with breast surgeons, consulting with plastic surgeons, finally going to the hospital for my surgery, checking into the Holiday Inn the night before, getting checked into the hospital, screaming through the radioactive dye injection, putting on the surgery shower cap and their disposable socks, talking to the anaesthesiologist and thinking he was a jerk, being reassured by my surgeon, being wheeled into the "operating theater," going under, waking all bandaged up, having friends visit in the hospital, needing more pain meds, coming home and dealing with drains, looking at my scarred breastless self in the mirror for the first time, learning to shower again, learning to move my arm again, getting special bras and puffs, going in for port surgery, getting too many IV's, then getting a bone scan, the liver scan, the chest scan, my first chemo treatment, cold caps, losing my hair, hanging out on this website for hours each day...  So, so, so much.

Windlass have you thought of seeing someone for PTSD? I have a great therapist who has worked wiht cancer patients for years. She is very helpful.

Please remind us how many more taxotere you have to go.

I think of you often as it seems like your treatment plan is the longest of any of us on this thread.

Myself I am finally starting to recuperate. Still seeing a pt and a shrink but that is a step down from the full blown treatment team. This monring's candle Will be with you in mind windlass.

Mer

Merilee: I am laughing at the PTSD suggestion. I'm not even "Post" yet. I think I need some TSD (traumatic stress disorder) therapy STAT!

I have one more Taxotere to go in two weeks, then six weeks of rads til the New Year, then 6 or 8 months of TDM1 every three weeks. And, of course, tamoxifen for years and years, like most everybody else. Then after that -- maybe, someday -- I'll get a new breast built, but that is sounding way traumatic, too, since with all the damage from my treatment I don't qualify for an implant. They would have to gouge out flesh from some other part of my anatomy to make a breast, and having a pound of flesh chopped up and repositioned on my chest sounds pretty unappealing right now.

I went bra-less today for the first time (just here at home) and was envying your BMX. I'd gladly just go flat on both sides, but with this useless other appendage of a breast flopping around, it's not an option. I was briefly wondering about wearing a tight tube top to bandage the existing breast into flatness instead of puffing the other one into fullness, but then I remembered how constricting the breast is one of the contributors to BC. So no "flat look" for me. My husband has put the kabosh on me getting an MX on the other side, so I'm stuck with foobs or the uneven look for now.

Thanks for listening. I'm really not always as miserable as I sound on here. I just come here when I need to vent, so you gals get a pretty one-dimensional view of my life and my moods.

I'm glad you're here for me, and that we're here for each other. Sometimes I get scared I'll come here and be the last one standing. Not in terms of survival (!!) but in terms of still being in treatment and still needing the Dumbo's feather of this website and these faceless, semi-anonymous but meaningful Internet friendships we've created. I think of each of you often.

Uggh. Thanks for the encouragement, Merilee, but I am feeling nearly suicidally depressed today, barfed my guts out crying yesterday, and have not managed to accomplish anything I was supposed to this week. I can't wait until Taxotere is a distant memory. It really is a roller coaster of misery over here. If anyone else is feeling crappy, then perhaps knowing how much worse it could be might cheer you up.

Thanks, Suzy. I think of you often, since I know Taxotere was hard on you too. And you made it through. And I just realized part of why I am feeling like *rap today - when I posted this on another thread:

Uggh. One of my two best friends in the world essentially told me off on Tuesday, after twelve years of friendship, because I do not agree with her taking her three young kids and leaving her husband. Although she won't admit this to me, her husband tells me the real reason she left is to shack up with some other guy. She raked me over the coals for even speaking to him (the husband), and ordered me not to pray for her (which I did not even say I was going to do), and then called my Christian faith a "bucket of vomit." Oh, but she said if I wanted to talk about *my* problems, she would be there for me. 

Well, that's a huge bummer, Windlass, about your friend.  I can see how that would definitely be contributing to your current feelings about life in general right now.  That just sucks really.  Definitely NOT what you need right now.  I think of you often, too, because we were both diagnosed stage IIIc, grade 3, with too many positive nodes right around the same time.  And I'm thinking of you now and want you to feel better.  I know it's easier said than done, though.  But you will get through it.  I was telling my sister the other day about one of my best friends -- it's very annoying to me that life is all about her and how tough things are -- so much to do and no time to do it (she doesn't even have to work), etc.  I have a nearly full-time job AND have to deal with cancer, its treatment, the side effects, wondering if the treatment is working, and the whole freaking roller coaster.  So her problems just seem so trivial to me, and I don't even want to hear about them because I only WISH I had her problems and not mine!  Anyway, that's neither here nor there.  I guess maybe I'm trying to say that sometimes we think people are our best friends, but maybe they're not?  I actually don't know what I'm trying to say.  Except that I'm thinking of you......   Hang in there.  Things will get better.  HUGS......

Profbee: I have a whole cocktail of meds these day, including an antidepressant I started this month that has made things worse, as far as I can tell. I have never taken an antidepressant in my life, and prior to the cancer diagnosis, I can't remember the last prescription I took except an antibiotic for an ear infection years ago. So this is all new.

I just learned that Taxotere contails polysorbate 60, among other things. Ack! I avoided all things chemical, never consumed a single preservative, artificial color, artificial flavor, artificial sweetener, HFCS, hydrogenated oil, no chemicals whatsoever. Now I am pumped to the gills with chemicals, drugs, and other assorted garbage. I am sure that is part of what is wrong with me lately is that I am poisoned and drugged.

Suzy: That picture of you totally make me smile. I believe I own the exact same skirt that you bought and are modeling in that photo. It is one of my favorites.

BernieEllen: Thanks for the support. Has chemo made your bipolar worse? And have you had to change medications to deal with it?

Hi windlass, chemo really knocked my bipolar.  The steroids sent me into a serious manic state.  When you go up then you come down so they upped my meds to cope.  It all levelled out fairly quickly and now i am back to normal - whatever that means. Anti depressants can take a while to kick in, sometimes the one you have been prescibed may not be the right one for you.  Take it slowly, do what your body tells you.  If you need to sleep or just want to be left alone or need to talk - what ever is right for you sweetheart.

We need to be selfish, to do what is right for us.  If people don't understand that - that is their problem.

Have a good safe weekend everyone

Lots of love 

Hi Seeay

I am also sick of the pink as it serves as an in my face reminder of all I have been through. The other day the docs office had Pink pens from the Susan G komen foundation to give away ans I thought Really? If people knew their donation were being spend on give away pens instead of finding a cure I am sure they would not be happy.

On a bright note, the 30 lbs I gained while not eating on chemo has come off. I do work out everyday but just a 20 minuet one I found on the on live website Exercises TV. Its free and you can select from many. I do the incredible abs one.

Hi to everyone, nearly finished rads only 6 more to do.  A bit singed now.  Chemo head seems to be settling down, just the occasional metallic taste.  Still very tired.  Hair growing and eybrows are back

Hi Merilee, will be finished next tuesday.  Day off today for Bank Holiday.  

Bernie, One week

My Doc allowed me to have 2 treatments one day as long as they were 8 hours apart. It might be worth asking so you don't have to wait for the holiday. I went in at 7am and then again at 4pm . this was allowed to make up for a day when the machine was down.

Hi Sarah, it's not an easy road sweetheart.  thinking of you.  Big hugs

Bernie 

Hey Sarah!  I'll be finishing my AC tomorrow--woot woot--and then starting Tamoxifin and Herceptin in a few weeks.  My docs have told me I really shouldn't feel much SEs at all.  I'm going to stupidly believe them until my body tells me otherwise!  

Let's hope it's true since the Herceptin is for a year and the Tamoxifin is five years!  

We'll muddle through together.  

Yay Bernie!  Tuesday woot woot!! 

ProfBee that is awesome, you have made it!