Husbands Supporting Wives

bizelstick - check under the 'Support & Communitly Connections' there is a forum there 'For Family and friends of those who have breast cancer'  

I ma sorry your wife has joined this club...

Learning that your wife has just been diagnosed with breast cancer is the most devastating news you, her husband, will ever hear!  You may not realized it at the moment, but your life is about to unravel in ways you'd never imagine!  Within a matter of moments you'll need to decipher the words you just heard, try to make sense of it all and formulate a plan in your mind of just how you're going to help her through this journey!

If you're like I was when my wife was diagnosed, I had never been exposed to cancer in my life.  I knew no one personally that had it, not even a friend of a friend.  I had no idea what  was ahead and for once in my life I felt helpless!  Feeling helpless is alright.  It's ok!  But, from my experience "helpless" is not what she needs or wants to see from you.  You need to realize that what you're feeling, she's feeling it 100 times over!  She needs you.  I don't care how independent a woman she may be, she needs you!  It's your role to step up to the plate and take charge and help in the decision making in any way you can.

Remember when you married?  You made a vow to your wife to "love, honor and cherish through sickness and in health."  Well, you've been going through the "health" side of the vow but now is the challenge of the "sickness" part.  The will be times when you'll be faced with challenges where you may not know what the right answer or decision is, however that's where you'll just fly by the seat of your pants and pray that what you're doing is in her best interest.

The best advice I can offer you are the things I learned going through this journey with my wife.  I call them "Ed's rules of helping your wife through breast cancer...

1) Be as strong as you can in front of her!  My wife told me the last thing she wanted to witness was me breaking down in front of her.  To her, seeing me break down, would have been interpreted as me throwing in the towel and giving up.  Sure, I broke down but I generally saved those tears for me drive to work.  (by the way, this is not recommended on the freeway!)  Bottom line, she needs to see you be strong for her.

1) Tell her you love her!  You can't tell her enough!  Tell her whenever you have that sincere feeling in your heart!  Don't just say the words to be saying them.  Mean it.  If you look at her and she tired from treatments, has no hair or eyelashes and you still believe that she's the most beautiful woman in the world... tell her!  She needs to hear it.  She needs to know that you still love her to death and you'll be with her, by her side throughout this entire journey!  

3) Keep her away from the internet!  Self diagnosis is the worst thing she can do... and she will do it!  The only thing she'll get out of it is scared to death!  There were times that I actually had to threaten to put "parental controls" on the computer to keep her from searching.  You can search if you feel you absolutely have to, but filter the information to her.  Keep it as positive as you can.  Bottom line is that neither of you have medical training to make an accurate diagnosis.  Leave that to the ones who are properly trained.

4) Go to every appointment with her.  This is so important for so many reasons.  First and foremost, it's so important to support her.  As I said before, she may have been the most independent woman in the world before her diagnosis.  When breast cancer comes into the picture, she loses her independence, not by choice, but by necessity.  She needs to know that you're by her side throughout this entire ride.  There will be times when going to an appointment may not be convenient to you because of a meeting or you just have something else to do.  That's too bad!  Putting things into perspective, this is your wife we're talking about.  Need I say anymore?  Second, it's very important to have a second set of ears during the appointment.  Your wife is dealing with so many emotions and there will be so many tests and procedures that will be thrown at her, I guarantee she'll miss something.  It's also human nature to hear and focus on the "bad things" or a "concern" the doctor may have discussed that she'll be preoccupied and miss other parts of the discussion.  Being at every appointment also allows you to ask any questions you may have.

5) Be prepared for anything!  You probably have no medical training yet there will be times when you'll act as a quasi doctor or nurse.  You probably have not been formally trained as a counselor, psychologist or psychiatrist, yet you'll be in situations where you really wish you had some training.  You've probably had no formal training in theology yet you'll wish you had. The point I'm trying to make is, like I said before, there will be times where you'll feel helpless and not know what to do, but you'll just fly by the seat of your pants and pray you're doing the right thing.  Go with your gut!  You love her, you can do it!

6) Listen to her!  As tempted as you may be, don't offer advice, just listen!   When she needs to "vent"... listen.  We men are "fixers."  Whatever the problem may be, we fix it.  We can't fix breast cancer!  She's going through an internal battle of emotion vs. intellect.  You know what?  The emotional side will win 100% of the time!  Keep your mouth shut and be a good listener.

7) Take care of yourself to be able to take care of her!  Men don't generally ask for help.  It's just the way were are.  Crazy, but asking for help is sometime perceived as a weakness.  It's not!  If you don't reach out and accept help, you're going to burn yourself out quickly.  When someone calls as asks if they can bring over dinner, as hard as it may be... tell them "yes".  Remember, people won't offer help unless they genuinely mean it.

8) Be prepared for tears.  Hugs are about all you have to help with tears.  Remember, she's frightened like she's never been frightened before.  Maybe frightened isn't the right word.. terrified may be close.  There's no boundaries throughout a 24 hour day when it's time for a good cry.  Remember rule #5 - be a good listener and just hold her.

9) Last but definitely not least, turn to God.  God is good, all the time!  If you don't believe, then it's time to open your heart to God.  God literally answered so many prayers for my wife and I throughout the journey.  He answered prayers I thought could never be answered.  He was definitely my co-pilot throughout the journey.  He kept me sane.  You can always vent to him, talk to him or ask for help.  He answers my prayers, even to this very day.  God listens.

Hopefully this makes some sense to you.  These rules won't work unless you're sincere about them  Sincerety, hope and love will make it happen.

If it helps, I blogged our way through our journey, from my perspective.  It's a daily/weekly journal about our love for each other, fear and hope and how we dealt with the challenges and trials we faced such as a mastectomy, chemo, hair loss, nausea, losing her taste and just our everyday lives in this battle.  Everyone's journey is going to be different, just like breast cancer is different for each person but this blog has helped so many people understand things that may come up.  If you have an opportunity, I encourage you to read it.  It may help.  Whatarideblog.wordpress.com.

I'm confident you can do this!  If you ever want to talk or just ask questions, please feel free to email me... Ed-Patty@att.net.

 Ed 

Beautifully said Ed!!!

Sousek's given you excellent advice on how to support your wife emotionally. On the practical side there were some very helpful things my husband did for me when I was first diagnosed.

Help keep track of the tests, appointments and paperwork. I was so focussed on just trying to absorb information and make decisions that I had no room in my brain to remember when my next meeting was scheduled for or which doctor need to be sent the results of what test.

Once/if you decide to tell friends and family about the diagnosis you can set up a means of communication such as Ed's blog or what we did, which was to set up a Lotsa Helping Hands page. It's a place where people who care about your wife can check in to see how she's doing and sign up for things you may need help with such as meals or rides.

http://www.lotsahelpinghands.com/ 

Some excellent advice here! 

I have to take exception to Sousek's Item 3) though.  You have no right to tell your wife that she cannot look at anything on the internet.  Help her research and suggest legitimate sites yes - but prohibit, censor and filter is way out of line.  

I can tell you that this site and it's Discussion Board is what kept me informed and sane going through diagnosis and treatment.  Your wife needs to get herself here and join us IMO!!!