Communications of the dying

thatsvanity · October 2011

After the person has died, it is common for surviving loved ones to sense their presence.

Some people may feel notified of the death by the person who has just died.

The bereaved often feel the presence of their recently deceased loved ones who seem to be checking in on them. They may hear words, see their image, smell a familiar aroma such as a favorite shaving lotion, or merely sense their presence.

Deceased loved ones may alert friends or family about some impending danger.

Such contact with the deceased is quite usual.

Books about NDEs, NDAs and dying that might be helpful:

Final Gifts: Understanding the Special Awareness, Needs, and Communications of the Dying by Maggie Callanan and Patricia Kelley. New York: Poseidon Press, 1992.

LRM216 · October 2011

I held my dying daughter in my arms as she took her last breath. I will always be so very grateful that I was there with her from the moment we took her into hospice on that fateful day, until the very end. I was with her when she came into this world, and I was with her when she left it. Part of me went with her, and I await the day I will be reunited with her with no fear whatsoever.

Linda

carcharm · October 2011

When my father passed we weren't very close. About 2 weeks after he died he came to me in a vision. I say vision not dream because I was keenly aware that I was somewhat awake. He said, in his usual cocky tone "You know I love you." (like he shouldn't have to tell me that) I woke up crying and wanting him back but cannot begin to describe how at peace I felt. I know they come. My favorite uncle's house always smelled like lavender. One day as I was sitting on the computer a smell of lavender wafted by just out of the blue. I knew it was him and said hello.

LRM-I can't begin to imagine what you went through. I know what you mean about not fearing dying because if one of mine leaves before me I would probably wish for it to come quickly. I am so deeply sorry for your loss.

LRM216 · October 2011

Carcharm:

Thank you very much. I have been raising my grand daughter, (Tiffany's 16 yr. old daughter) for a while now due to Tiff having been hospitalized so often, and that helps me considerably. My sister raises her 9 year old son, so I have the two gifts she left behind to help keep me going. Losing a child, no matter what their age, is a fate that should never have to fall upon anyone. I lost my husband many years ago, he was only 46 and I was 41 and as hard as that was, losing my child, and best friend, is just so much worse, not that the two should even be compared. It just goes against all the laws of nature. And you are so correct in what you wrote, I too feel her presence at the times I most need to feel it.

Be well, dear sister,

Linda

KKing · October 2011

I think that when someone leaves you, they leave a part of them with you. When my dat died in 1999, we were all there, by his side. He was diagnosed with colon cancer that had spread to the liver. We felt a feeling of his spirit going throught us . I remember excusing the loud sound that came from my stomach, but I truly beleive that he passed right through each of us before he continure his journey. What a lovely experience.

thatsvanity · October 2011

When my sister left her sick body I could feel her spirit rush through the inside of me. It was like a fresh, cleansing, wind. Her spirit was embodied in the energized rush of fresh air inside of me---not on my skin. I think she was letting me know she was really ecstatic to leave her sick body. She wanted me to know she was free of her sick body and she was ok.

thatsvanity · October 2011

I could not accept my sister's impending death. I thought she would live sick forever, if I hadn't read the signs or the process of dying from hospice I wouldn't have known that she was dying. Back in the day most everyone died at home so they kind of knew what to do, but with hospice helping me and just instinct I did the best I could to make her comfortable and happy. It still seems impossible that she is gone. I still feel like I'm in an unreal dream. I miss her. I wish I could quiet my spirit so I could feel her near me.

thatsvanity · October 2011

I know my sister, Kara, saw a beautiful, amazing place as she was partly in this world and part in the next world, because she asked me to come with her, as if she were taking a trip, and if I could have I would've gone with her. I've read as a caretaker we journey to a beautiful new place with our loved ones to a door that opens for them but we can't go through the door. When Maggie Callanan, a hospice nurse and author, asked me, "Do you know who will be there for you, when you die?" I said I don't know. She answered, "Your sister Kara."

thatsvanity · October 2011

Dear LRM216,

I understand the unbearable loss of your daughter as much as I humanly can. My sister Kara was younger than me by just three years, but I was an older sister and sometimes like a mom to her too. She was my closest best friend too, so maybe sometimes, for some of us girls the greatest closest loves of our lives are---- our sisters, daughters and moms. I love my husband too, but that strong bond of understanding we have with our daughters, moms and sisters is so special and unique. It's in those relationships where we can be truly ourselves and be understood.

Amy

bedo · October 2011

That has happened to me too. I was not asleep. I dream visually,without other senses, but with this I felt warmth, touch and smell. I know he was there. I touched him and smelled him and felt his warmth, he was lying next to me. I was so tired that I tried to stay awake but fell asleep. It was not a dream.

LRM216 · October 2011

KKing and ThatVanity:

Thank you for posting your experiences, and I am so very sorry for the loss and pain you both have suffered as well. I was amazed by what you both posted, as this is something I have only shared with the hospice nurse that stayed with my daughter and I (at my request), upon my daughter's last breaths. As I held her in my arms, and her breathing began to slow considerably, at which point the nurse asked me I preferred to be alone with her, or would I like the nurse to remain and sit in the corner of the room, when that last breath came and I held her tightly to me, I actually felt her "deflate" in my arms. I was stunned to feel this happen as I held her and remarked to the nurse that I felt her body actually deflating in my arms, and he said to me, that is her soul leaving her body and beginning her journey back home. I truly, truly believe that is what happened, and now reading your stories, this just validates it even more.

By sharing your personal stories, I feel a special warmth in my heart. Thank you so much.

Linda

LRM216 · October 2011

KKing and ThatsVanity:

Thank you for posting your experiences, and I am so very sorry for the loss and pain you both have suffered as well. I was amazed by what you both posted, as this is something I have only shared with the hospice nurse that stayed with my daughter and I (at my request), upon my daughter's last breaths. As I held her in my arms, and her breathing began to slow considerably, at which point the nurse asked me I preferred to be alone with her, or would I like the nurse to remain and sit in the corner of the room, when that last breath came and I held her tightly to me, I actually felt her "deflate" in my arms. I was stunned to feel this happen as I held her and remarked to the nurse that I felt her body actually deflating in my arms, and he said to me, that is her soul leaving her body and beginning her journey back home. I truly, truly believe that is what happened, and now reading your stories, this just validates it even more.

By sharing your personal stories, I feel a special warmth in my heart. Thank you so much.

Linda

LRM216 · October 2011

KKing and ThatsVanity:

Thank you for posting your experiences, and I am so very sorry for the loss and pain you both have suffered as well. I was amazed by what you both posted, as this is something I have only shared with the hospice nurse that stayed with my daughter and I (at my request), upon my daughter's last breaths. As I held her in my arms, and her breathing began to slow considerably, at which point the nurse asked me I preferred to be alone with her, or would I like the nurse to remain and sit in the corner of the room, when that last breath came and I held her tightly to me, I actually felt her "deflate" in my arms. I was stunned to feel this happen as I held her and remarked to the nurse that I felt her body actually deflating in my arms, and he said to me, that is her soul leaving her body and beginning her journey back home. I truly, truly believe that is what happened, and now reading your stories, this just validates it even more.

By sharing your personal stories, I feel a special warmth in my heart. Thank you so much.

Linda

bak94 · October 2011

I have had a few experiences with ones close to me dying. First was my mom. After she was gone she would come to me in dreams, maybe they were just dreams but they were intense. I would cry and cry and ask her to come back, I was 22 at the time. She would hold me and tell me to take care of dad.

Another one was my nephew found out he had a brain tumor when he was 17. He fought for over 3 years and was remarkably strong. It renewed his faith and he threw himself into the catholic church and was one of the boys that carried one of the crosses at Christmas mass. As he was close to dying, we knew it would be soon, he was home in his bed. The last night I went to visit him he was basically in a coma. As I was walking up to the house I felt him with me. I thought it was odd, as he was upstairs. It felt like he gave me a warm hug. I went on upstairs to where his physical body was, and even though he was breathing, I knew he was not there. I was very upset, but I stayed with him and talked about playing pool, it was something we both enjoyed. I went home that night and sat on my sofa crying, basically sobbing. I asked him for a sign that he was ok when he passed, that he was somewhere out there with no pain and in a better place. The next morning I got up and was getting ready for work, as I was leaving I looked at my clock in the living room by the sofa that I had cried at the night before. It had stopped at 7:10 AM. It was 8 am according to my bedroom clock. Just as I looked at the clock the phone rang and I knew. It was my dad telling me that my nephew had died that morning. I asked what time, and he said about an hour ago, later to find out he did die shortly after 7 am. There is more. I spent the whole day with family and that night my friend thought I needed to go out and play pool, so I agreed. She came to my house to pick me up. She was sitting on my sofa waiting for me to get ready, and the clock started working again. We went to our usual pool place, where I had always wanted my nephew to with us when he was old enough, and we started playing pool. I am not very good at bank shots, but it was something my nephew was incredible at. He tried and tried to teach me but I couldn't get the angles down right. Well, that night I had people gathering around watching me make these crazy tough bank shots! It was like I could see the lines telling me where to aim! That help actually lasted for about a month. I know he was helping me, it was our thing, playing pool, the thing that connected us.

bak94 · October 2011

Ok, one more. My best friend had leukemia and went in for a stem cell transplant. She never made it out of the hospital. She knew she wasn't going to make it before she went to the hospital, at least that is what she told me before she went in. She gave me a goodbye gift. I told her of course she was going to make it, I wish I had listened to her better because she just somehow knew. She went in before Christmas and died on Jan. 2nd. I was heartbroken, she was my very best friend, the type where you finish each other's sentences and she could just make everyone laugh, never a dull moment when she was around. We just got each other. She had a song list for her funeral that her nephew did a very nice job putting it together, and included her favorite song, Time of your life by Greenday, one of our favorite bands. Shortly after her funeral I went out to my car and started it to warm it up. My car radio is always on talk radio, and I swear that is what it was on when I turned on the car, and the radio was not very loud. When I went back out to leave I could hear the radio blasting from outside of the car, and it was Greenday-Time of your life! On a different station of course. When she used to pick me up when we would go shopping or wherever I could always hear her car radio blasting as she came up to my condo, and I would have to tell her to turn it down so she wouldn't annoy the other condo owners! She would just laugh and turn it on louder:)

I have to explain that I am not a religous person at all, I wish I had more faith than I do. Sometimes I wonder how I can not have faith when I have had these things happen to me. I am sure I could logically explain each of these things, but they just had so much meaning in how and what had happened. What do you ladies think? Do you think they were just a coincidence? How could they be? I could have bumped the radio when I got out of the car and changed the station, but I would have heard the volume change. My clock batteries could have been going bad, but to start up again after my friend arrived, kinda like saying go on, have fun.

Oh, kind of a funny side note. At my friends funeral a few of us were standing around after telling stories of our friend and of course they were all funny, so we were laughing hysterically, which to some I know would seem totally inappropriate, but her mom and dad were right with with us, as they knew she would love that we were laughing. I got pulled aside by one of our friends mom lecturing me how inappropriate we were all being by laughing so much, I was so taken aback and told her she must not have known her very well because this is who she was and wouldn't want us all standing around crying (which we had already done during the funeral service) and then I walked away. I am one who usually tries to smoothing things over but I just did not have it in me at that moment.

bak94 · October 2011

LRM, Vanity and KIking-I have never experienced being with a person as they died, that must be very intense, sad and yet special. I remember my mom being in the hospital and I was going to stay with her that night. My sister had been staying every night and I thought that I could do it that night, well, I could not bring myself to stay, so my sister stayed again. So I was not with her. When my dad was sick, he was in a rehab/nursing home and was actually doing pretty good. I had no thoughts of him dying that night and was shocked when I got the phone call early in the morning. I was very close to my dad, and he was one that I really didn't have any strong signs from. I did have a dream that him and my mom were back together and very happy and I wanted them both back and cried and cried and woke up sobbing. Could have been a dream...

Suze35 · October 2011

I've been slowly reading a lovely book, The Art of Dying, by Elizabeth Fenwick. It is about death bed experiences, both of the dying and their loved ones. It has been very comforting for me as I come to terms with my diagnosis.

My stepfather died three years ago after a long battle with Alzheimer's. He spent his last three months in hospice, they were such wonderful people. One day when my mom came in, the nurse told her my stepfather had been very lucid and talked about having a lovely conversation with Gladys - so she asked my mother who that was. It was his mother, who had passed a few years earlier. My mom knew then it was only a matter of days, and he died two days later. We are convinced his mother came to ease his fears, and help him move on. Elizabeth Fenwick's book tells of many, many such cases.

I think when my time comes, it will be my stepfather who helps me move on, he was just that kind of man.

Linda, being with your daughter was such a gift and a comfort to her, I'm sure, and I have no doubt she was able to reassure you that she is now at peace.

Like bak, I am not religious. I consider myself spiritual.

bak94 · October 2011

I want to read that book. I like all of the experiences, they do offer comfort. I still go back and forth with my experiences, saying it was a coincidence, then or was it? I just need to accept what I really think it was, they were communicating with me.

thatsvanity · October 2011

Hi Bak94,

I understand about you making the difficult pool shots that your nephew knew with expertise, after his death he gave you a sweet gift. My sister was an artist and I am not very artistic at drawing or painting, but the first weeks after her death I could draw real drawings and some paintings, I felt like she gave me her gift of artistic expression as a way to be with me and comfort me, the art I created calmed me and eased my anxieties and grief. I think sometimes when people go on before us they can give us gifts from their new home.

Amy

thatsvanity · October 2011

I have learned that nearing death awareness is an amazing part of a journey where our loved ones can safely with no fear but peace only hold our hands and show us their amazing experience of where they are going and who is there with them. The active process of dying can be a little laborious but not at all awful, it is amazing and beautiful as birth. It is sad because of the loss of the physical presence, but I know my sister's with me and watching over me.

Communications of the dying

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