shhhhhhhhh, don't tell. . . .
Time for the double trouble mammogram this Friday. For all of the ramblings listed below, I have a sneaking suspicion I am in for a lengthy ride. Last Fall, when we did the double, the Good Boobie (now commonly referred to as the BoobieFormerlyKnownAsGood) showed up with calcs.
Mind you these were ItsyBitsy Teeny Weenie Calcs identifiable only because of the young eyes of "Hot Doctor X". (if you were to do a search on my posts from last October, you would probably find my ponderings over whether my Radiologists' mothers drove them to work or if they were allowed to take the bus by themselves. . . just saying....) Any rate because I'm a CancerPatient, I got to go straight to biopsy and when stereotactic didn't work--because they were so very teeny weenie--I went straight to surgical biopsy on the BoobieFormerlyKnownAsGood.
And all was well, so very well, so very it was nothing that I did not have to follow up with 6 month mammograms on the BoobieFormerlyKnownAsGood.
Spring comes and my onco gives me lovely pills to take pre-mammogram of BadBoobie, pills that are meant to make me not give a rat's patootie that they are squishing the devil out of my BadBoobie. [Ladies, if I may, an aside. Before you go in for that post surgical mammogram, get yourself some damnfinedrugs from your onco. Not just OTC stuff, you want the GOOD STUFF. Because Squishing the devil out of Boobie with Scar Tissue HURTS!!!!!! and makes you want to smack the tech. Even when they are being nice. Just a thought...] Before I go for Spring mammogram (this will be the one year from treatment exam) I take one pill exactly as directed and get on the bus and go sit in support group knitting until its time for my appointment.
And nothing happens. Not a single dropped stitch or slurred word.
So about 45 minutes out from exam, I take another pill. Then I go to my SquishSession where the tech Squishes the Dickens out of BadBoobie and it STILL HURTS!!!
In the new normal way, they take more films by which time its not hurting quite so much and then send me off to get dressed and in the middle of getting dressed, both pills do a smack down on my tiny brain.
So I'm dressed and sitting there and can't quite figure out how to open the door and I hear a doctor outside the room telling a tech that its not definitive and that they will check again in 6 months and that there is nothing to tell now.
And then the tech comes and tells me I'm good and see me in six months.
Maybe I imagined the whole thing. Maybe there was no conversation, maybe they were talking about someone else. I know I was pretty darned loopy---it took me an hour of walking in circles to find the fabric store. Because I was so very loopy, I never told DH anything other than good and don't have to come back until fall. In fact I never told anyone any of it until I typed it out here and now.
Now its fall and I go in on Friday and I'm scared all over again. 3 days to go. . . .
Cancer sucks.
Comments
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OMG you are so funny. I love this post.
But seriously, good luck Friday. I'm sure everything will be ok.
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Good Luck....your post made me laugh. I have not had a post-cancer mamo....and had no ideal that they were more painful, although I am sure they want to squeeze tight to make sure they dont miss anything.
I think the mamo machine must have been invented by a man. No woman would think it was a good idea to design a machine that pinched a round boobie into a pancake to take a picture.
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LOL (but please know I'll be thinking about you on Friday and hoping all goes well!)... It's good to use humor sometimes... this is one of those times! <grin>... Maybe those drugs should be a piece of all the bc testing/treatment we do.. whether we need them or not!!!! Take care!
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3Monsta .. I'll be thinking about you on Friday. Mine is coming up too and I just dread it. It really hurts when they squish the bad boob! I'll remember to take a pill ... but maybe only one .. before my mammo next month.
Hoping the calcifications have disappeared and you'll be good to go for another six months!
Big hugs,
Bren
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ohlawd, this made me laugh. until the end - don't be scared. I am sure it is going to be fine! keep us posted...
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Thank you for the wonderful story. There are times that this whole bc thing is just surreal. You captured that perfectly. I hope the BoobieFormerlyKnownAsGood is behaving itself. Good luck Friday.
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Because Squishing the devil out of Boobie with Scar Tissue HURTS!!!!!! and makes you want to smack the tech.
Hahahahahahhhhahahahahahahahahahah. SO TRUE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Wishing you the very best on Friday. I know that the time leading up to these "routine" appointments is stressful -- just thinking about it makes me teary -- so may the time pass quickly.
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OMG you made my day. Big thumbs up on the little pills!!
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You are hilarious!
I, too, have GoodBoobie which may turn out to be not so good, but in the absence of an affirmative finding that GoodBoobie has been hanging out with the same bad influences as BadBoobie, I'm giving the girl the benefit of the doubt.
I just hope GoodBoobie understands that in light of BadBoobie's deplorable behavior, her margin for error is right slim.
On a more serious note, my experience is that when I have high grade anxiety (versus my normal mode of grinding, chronic low/intermediate grade anxiety) drugs can effect me in unexpected ways. My personal theory is that by the time I give in and take something for pain/anxiety my flight/fight autonomous system has kicked in and one of the first things it does is shut down digestion so the drugs don't get where they need to be. I have found putting the medication under my tongue and letting it melt works far more evenly and effectively. They all taste bad, but if the taste gets to be too much, just swallow it! -
You people are very silly. I like that.
However, I do want to report that when I had my six-months-after-lumpectomy mammogram, it wasn't any more uncomfortable than it had been prior to the lumpectomy. So YMMV.
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Dear 3 monstmama - I appreciate your humor but it is hard for me to follow what has occured. My wife just had a double mastectomy last Friday. Initially on a mammogram in July, she had calcifications in her right - OKAY I will say it - her right boobie and her left boobie looked normal. The right boobie had a biopsy and the diagnosis was Ductal Carcinoma In Situ. I pushed my wife to push the doctor to do an MRI. I wanted my wife to have it on both boobies but the doctor agreed to do it on the left - "good" - boobie because the right "boobie" per biopsy was already a bad boobie. The MRI showed abnormalities and a biopsy showed Ductal Carcinoma In Situ in the left boobie. So therefore a double mastectomy. My wife is now resting and recovering. So maybe you should discuss with your doctor the possibility of having an MRI. Mammograms can miss cancer that shows up on a MRI. Of course MRIs can have false positives. At least with an MRI you just lie on a table and listen to music of your choice (Lady Gaga or classical - the choice is yours). Beesie and others have posted extensively on the value of MRIs and the American College of Radiology guidelines for doing an MRI of breasts. It appears that mammograms have a 65 percent quality and a MRI has a 95 percent plus quality. Hope this helps. And keep up your sense of humor, it will help a lot in the coming weeks and months.
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(((((3M))))). I know exactly whereof you speak! At my first post-surgical mammo (post-lumpectomy and re-excision), it hurt. Trying to squish firm, perky DDs into pancakes does defy the laws of geometry, I do believe. But it got better the next time, so I told the tech to give that little turn-down knob one more half-turn. She looked at me like I was crazy ... I was standing there white-knuckling the hand-hold, pale, with beads of sweat on my upper lip. She said, "Are you SURE?" I replied, "That girl went bad last year and I want to make sure she isn't hiding anything else. Do the same to the good one, too, just so she doesn't get any ideas." I had bruises but I didn't mind.
XOXOXOXO, 3M. I'll be thinking of you and sending good drug vibes your way.....
L -
Oh momma! Nobody told us this would be such a wild ride, did they? Hang in there. Friday will soon be here and then you will know.
I am quite annoyed that they can't give good boobie a good warning squeeze every time because I have a pacemaker. I want to tell them to squeeze harder too.
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I wrote a long and brilliant response to all the comforting words. I include a nice detailed explanation of my history for those who were fortunate enough to have missed my ramblings back in 2009-2010. And the f*^&*ing computer ate it.
I have no energy to retype such brillance. I'm on tamoxifen and I'm menopausal and I can't remember all the brilliant and witty jokes and sparkling dialogue. Not Fair.
But just for BlairK I will skip to the end:
DCIS stinks. When you are diagnoised no one can tell you if you have the DCIS which will run rampant through your body until it sends you to an early grave or the kind that will sit there and do squat other than spread in your ducts until the day you die. Add to that we are all--as humans, as women--programed to hear that word "cancer" and run for a surgeon and all the treatment we can find. Indeed the whole stupid system is set up so that you see the surgeon before you see the oncologist or even the plastic surgeon--how goofy is that?
I have been squished, poked, prodded, scanned, rescanned, scanned again, zapped, cut open on both sides and medicated. They have looked at both Boobies with biopsies and mammograms and MRIs. They have examined my liver (thank you MRI for that bit of hysteria) and my lungs and my thyroid. And here is where it stands:
In Nove 2009, I got diagnoised with DCIS of the icky grade that will eventually spread in BadBoobie and had a lumpectomy followed by a reexcission and zaps and was sent off to take tamoxifen for ever.
In Oct 2010 I had a scare with TheOtherBoobie aka TheBoobieFormerlyKnownAsGood that led to a surgical biopsy and a finding that all was very very well.
My last mammo in the spring 2011 was a one sided deal on BadBoobie. TheBoobieFormerlyKnownAsGood got a pass because the calcs (examined after a full surgical biopsy) were nothing. If they saw anything last time that gave them the least concern, it was on BadBoobie because no one was looking at TheBoobieFormerlyKnownAsGood.
And if they find something this tiem, when I go in on Friday, on BadBoobie, the only option is a mastectomy because finding something means that Tamoxifen has--as it has for many others--failed me and I can't do zaps twice on the same side.
If I end up that route, I have decided to become an Amazon Princess and skip the reconstruction part. I am just not that attached to the piles of flesh on my chest and I am a crappy patient who would never survive all that reconstruction stuff. DH is with me 100% on this. He went to all the meetings in round one with plastic surgeons and came out of it steadfastly saying if I wanted reconstruction, he would support me fully but he personally didn't want his wife going through all that for something to stick on her chest. No offense meant to those who have chosen reconstruction--this is a very personal decision. For me, myself is more tied to being able to do yoga and paddle a kayak and pick up my youngest than it is a boobie.
Despite that resolution in my heart (and saved knitting patterns for fake boobies in my Ravelry account), Friday is still nerve wracking. I want OFF this f--ing rollarcoaster of cancer! more cancer? no cancer? maybe cancer. I'm bored. Lets move to another ride--that one over there where you deal with hormonal teenaged daughters and the launch of their periods, that looks good, lets ride that for a change.
I'm stuck where I am. I can get off for a few months at a time but in the end its always back to the same stupid ride. And I never get to leave the amusement park and move on.
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Monstmama...oh, gosh...I am on the same f***ing ride. Except I just got on in October 2010...with the lure of the adh excision with clean margins. I skipped some parts though...Went right to umx with snb. I never did like roller coasters. I like the ride where they spin you around in the same spot and you stick to the wall. Chose that one by going right to mx. Wonder if good booby will join in the fun. So far it has stuck to watching the rides from the bench... May it stay right there...
I am with you on the recon stuff...100%. Good luck Friday...
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{{3M}} I hear ya! Sending good vibes your way for clear scans!!
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Very funny...Yep once you have the ol' DCIS diagnosis it is like you are on Mr. Toad's Wild Ride continuously. My wild ride started two years ago, lumpectomy and 30+ rounds of radiation. And the first mammo after the radition the Docs found something again in the bad booby...but it was put in wait and see mode, until the next mammo in April...which of course...required a biopsy and because our small town hospital didn't know what "I had" I patiently waited three weeks for the results which turned out to be nothing. Well, the "nothing" had taken its toll on my mental health and so I opted to have a bilateral mastecomy on August 8th. Yes, the good booby paid the price along with the bad booby... But, It is the best decision I made in the whole crappy process, it was liberating to know no more mammo's (cancelled my November appt)...no more Drs. appts...no more Tamoxifen...no more fear of the cancer returning... and last but not least, no more bras. Life is good.
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Wow Ladygrey you are so brave x
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3Monsta .. thinking of you and hoping for 'unremarkable' on Friday's scans.
hugs,
Bren
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Hi Supermummy...
Oh gosh no...I wasn't brave...I was the biggest chicken in the world...at least when it came to another possible cancer diagnosis. I needed it over...I just couldn't face another mammo without loosing my mind (of what little is left ;0)) I had the support of my Radiation Onocologist...poor guy he had to listen to me go crazy in April...so he thought it was best that I put this behind me.
I also had a Angel of sorts who watched over me...My Mom in Law...who died of the breast cancer in 2007. I am very happy and content with my decision. It's over and I can live my life...
Carol
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LadyGrey57 is brave but supermummy, you are brave too. Give yourself some credit.
I took a look at your post and it would appear you are new here. I'm sorry you think you might have to join us but I strongly encourage you to go and find out if there is a reason for you to be here or not. This is not the sort of thing that gets better on its own--best you know where you stand okay?
many ((hugs))
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Dear 3monstmama - I was trying to be helpful. My wife just had a double mastectomy and is going through the same thing. I wish you the best. Take care. BlairK
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3monstmama - You and I joined this rollercoaster within days of each other, and although I have already wished you exellent news/good luck for Friday, I just wanted to take this opportunity to tell you that your humor and common experiences (I, too, have had some issues and biopsies on the good boob, which will remain being called the good boob, and also have a hormonal teenage daughter) have made this awful ride just a little bit less awful. I got zero sleep the night before my last mammogram in Aug. and held back tears in the waiting room that day after watching every single person go home while I waited for my news (which included being called back in for some additional mammo. shots because something just needed to be looked at again) -- Sending you {{hugs}} that the time passes and that Friday is smooth sailing and you get sent on your merry way for another squishing in 6 or 12 months.
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3monstmama...
I guess I don't need to be on this board...
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3monstmama- The only thing better than damnfinedrugs, in getting through all this crap, is humor. Thanks for the laughs. I really needed them today. If you don't already have your own blog, you should, then tell me where to sign up.
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Ladygrey57, I believe 3monstmama was addressing supermummy, not you. If you look at supermummy's other post, you'll see why. She (supermummy) says: "I really need to get my backside to see my doctor as for a long time now I have had discomfort in my right.b and there seems to be a kind of grissly area (not a lump) and a very itchy nipple all in the same breast, and to be honest I am worried sick, not too sure if its the 'C' word i'm so worried about or fear of the unknown or the fact I might waste my doctors time. Either way I'm finding it really tough to get my bum into gear and go see him."
So, I believe 3mons is telling supermummy that she needs to get herself checked out.
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What cycle-path said. I was addressing supermummy, not you, LadyGrey57, well except for the part where I said you were BRAVE.....
totally befuddled by the response I got and frankly, lacking the energy to try to "fix" things. Again thank you to Cycle-path.I have to say, its AWFULLY frustrating that I have had two people jump to the conclusion that I was sniping at them when in one case, I took a long time to write out a follow-up post that was meant to clarify and alleviate the person's concerns and in another, I wasn't even talking to the person, other than to say something I thought was complementary.
Whats with the jumping to the most negative interpretation of a post or comment?
People, such negativity is NOT a good thing for any of us. Far more healthy, IMHO, if you think you have been slighted to just walk away. Its the internet, not a neighbor or the person in the next cubicle.
As for my appointment today, DH will be coming by to pick me up and go with me. He was rather peeved when the reminder call came in yesterday to discover that I hadn't told him about appointment...opps. I dug out my happy pills last night and have them set to take about an hour or so before he picks me up. As an aside I also found two vials of unused oxycod from my original lumpectomies. I am thinking I'll keep those for if the news is bad! As I recall, when I took the oxycod (and based on having two bottles of leftovers, I wasn't taking very much), I was bothered by NOTHING!!!!
While I wait for DH, since I wouldn't trust myself to do any computer/writing work, I will just clean my office......I figure that if I have spent time cleaning my office, the universe will owe me some good news on the mammogram since any form of cleaning STINKS!
tick tock, tick tock. . . . .
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3Monsta .. thinking of you today and hoping all goes well!
hugs,
Bren
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3monstas
Hope the scans go well.
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3monstmama....
How clean is your office? LOL. I enjoy your humour. It's tough when we are all faced with this dark unknown and sometimes scary diagnosis. You're a bright light.
Seriously, I hope the mammograms went well and you weren't hurting during or after. When do you get results?
Take care of yourself.
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