Waiting is the hardest part...

I've been lurking around and "over-googling" the past few days as I wait for biopsy results and realized that I could reach out for support - AND - share my story - which could potentially benefit others.

 I KNOW BREAST CANCER SUCKS: My mother died when I was 10 years old (back in the 80s) - she duked it out with breast cancer for 8 years - ER-/PR+ - Radical Mastectomy, Radiation, Chemo, amazing MDs at Memorial Sloan Kettering... She was my hero. 

 I KNEW I WAS AT RISK: Every year when I would visit my OBGYN for a checkup I would ask "When should I get my baseline mammogram?" - My sister had her first mammogram in her 20s, so I figured that my MDs would write the orders "next year" each time I went... 2 years ago (When I was 31) I demanded a baseline mammogram. 

AND THEN IT ALL BEGAN: Don't worry, my story didn't take THAT sharp of a turn... I had the mammogram, it wasn't so hot. Had a diagnostic mammogram and ultrasound... Threw in a stereotactic biopsy, an MRI, a few consults with surgeons ranging from country docs to big cancer centers, 3 pathologists and then I landed myself in the OR having a lumpectomy. Wound up diagnosed with ADH (atypical ductal hyperplasia)

This, combined with a pretty strong family history of breast and ovarian cancer, put me into the high risk category that basically made me feel like a cancer ticking timebomb. 

IT GETS SO CONFUSING: My "big cancer center" wanted Genetic Counseling, my gut told me no. I found myself a medical oncologist that I could talk in depth with and reviewed my options. I became an official pain in the behind for my ENTIRE treatment team. They don't generally treat gals my age, women who want to preserve their fertility yada yada yada... We agreed that my husband and I could try to conceive provided that I would continue on 6 month rotations with Mammogram/Ultrasound in the spring and MRI in the fall. 

EVERYTHING SEEMED GREAT: Had a few "nothing new" mammograms, ultrasounds and MRIs. However, I've been a bundle of nerves every 6 months. AND (outside of the breast cancer fear) I've had a wild and crazy year with incredible amounts of stress that deep breathing, cups of tea, and a long walk can't solve...

I scheduled my MRI thinking positively: "This will be the last MRI I have before we make a baby!" I even scribbled notes to myself to remember to talk with my oncologist about ways we could deal with my fear of not being checked throughout pregnancy. I was CERTAIN that he would be able to set my mind at ease. 

AND NOW MAYBE IT ISN'T: Week before last I had my MRI and wound up being called back in for MRI guided biopsy last week. Apparently Righty (which has already had a lumpectomy) had a BIRADS 4 rating. Go figure. Totally new part of the breast from last time...

So here I am, putting the cart before the horse... Over analyzing, channeling all the braveness my Mom had throughout her treatment, and wondering what the heck the MDs are going to say. So grateful that so far it's only been ADH, but beginning to realize how fast things can grow - and how scared I am. 

Wondering how many lumpectomies Righty can take. Scared that Righty's BIRADS 4 is totally new. (Not seen on 2010 MRI or Spring 2011 Digital Mammogram or Ultrasound) And realizing that the microcalcifications that are showing in Lefty continue to hold at a BIRADS 3... Ugh. 

How can we stay sane when it's a rollercoaster every 6 months? I'm frustrated that I'll see my oncologist and breast surgeon 2x a year "indefinately."(Even though I don't technically have cancer!) I'm not generally an anxious person, but this "6 Month Club" has me in a whirlwind. 

AND... That's the end of my (very long) first post   So very thankful I've happened upon this discussion board and have had the opportunity to read about so many of your experiences. It makes this lonely, awkward time so much more easeful.