"So, Someone Close to You Has Breast Cancer..."

(For the sake of parsimony, I'll be using feminine pronouns, but I fully acknowledge and support all of the guys out there with BC. We love you guys!)

(Also, I use "friend" here, but many of these probably apply to family as well.)

(And thanks to barbe1958 for helping me out with editing this. If a line seems especially insightful or clever, it probably came from her.)

    So, your friend was recently diagnosed with breast cancer. It's really, really scary for you and even worse for her. You want to be there for her, but you're terrified of saying the wrong thing. I totally get that. The BCO "When a Friend Gets Sick" Blog is excellent and should absolutely be utilized. I'm just adding my two cents. Basically, I've learned a ton from these boards and from horror stories told to me by a very close friend with BC, and whenever I reply to a post of a family member, friend, or caregiver who is scared, I tend to say "Use the boards!" This time, I thought I would put my money where my mouth is and try to add to the knowledge of the boards with a consolidated list of things I never would have figured out on my own. Granted, I've still put my foot in my mouth plenty of times, but snooping around the threads (like "OMG they found the cure for stupid") has definitely helped me determine what NOT to say. And I would be glad to have input from anybody on the BCO boards. If I'm wrong, tell me about it. If I forgot something, tell me about it. If, for some reason, I have offended anybody, I really want to know. Thanks in advance! So, without further ado... The DO's, DON'Ts, and BE CAREFUL's for When Someone You Know Has Breast Cancer.

    DO know your friend. If you know your friend well, it's probably not necessary to read this list unless you're just really interested. She'll understand if you say something weird or just don't know what to say, and she'll know you mean well. At the same time, it never hurts to do a little digging to avoid making well-meaning mistakes.

    DO use your instincts. You're a good person. It's unlikely you'll say anything "wrong." Go with your gut, not with clichés.

    DON'T worry if you don't know what to say. It's going to be very, VERY difficult (most likely impossible) to come up with something that will "make it better." So, when in doubt, you could try starting with "I'm so sorry this happened, and I'm here for you." It will show you care.

    DON'T tell stories that begin with "I know/knew someone who had cancer..." She's heard the ones she needs to hear or read them on the internet. She doesn't need to know about your cousins or friends-of-friends.  Besides...who cares about THEM???  This is about HER!  General stories probably won't be super comforting anyway. Breast Cancer has so many variations that a general cancer story might not be applicable at all. Even if you happen to have details like Type, Stage, Grade, Oncotype dx, or Hormone Receptor Status, she's probably heard enough stories to last her a lifetime.

    DON'T trust the movies. It would appear, from the general consensus of the boards, that movies tend to get it wrong. Try not to build any ideas in your head about how conversations or reactions "should" be based on the silver screen. I would imagine that nothing in life (cancer related or not) will play out exactly like it does in the movies, so why try to make it fit?

    DON'T send her a million e-mails with AMAZING CURE FOR CANCER in the subject line. Just don't do it. Lemons, asparagus, the hide of a 36-year-old Grizzly Bear... These won't cure cancer. Healthy eating is probably a good idea, just in general, but the "asparagus diet?" Seriously?

    DON'T compare breast cancer with ANY other cancer out there. There is NO cure for breast cancer. That's why there are still "Run For the Cure" charities going on all over the world!!

    DON'T send her research info (unless, of course, she specifically asks). If she wants to do research, let her do it. What's important to you (say recon) may mean nothing to her!!  If you're going to question what she tells you or urge her to get a second opinion, be very cautious about it.  Doctor-patient trust is really important, and causing an unnecessary rift could be problematic.  

    BE CAREFUL when telling her she looks great. It may come across as silly or insensitive depending on your sincerity. Of course, others may gain a boost from these words, so this is a "Proceed with Caution" sort of area. This could also depend on the treatment phase. If she's three months out of her final chemo, she seems to be feeling good, and your comment is sincere, it might be a wonderful thing to say. Did you always tell your friend she looked good? If so, keep doing it. If not, don't push it now. She has cancer in her breast, not her face. Why shouldn't she look good??

    DON'T crinkle your forehead, turn on your sad, puppy-dog eyes, and ask in a very meaningful way, "How ARE you?" Your friend may or may not have been answering this question thousands of times over, and if she doesn't feel like discussing the cancer, you're sort of forcing her into a corner.

    DO take her lead in conversation topics. A generic "How's it going?" or "How are things?" seems to be an okay starter. Then, if your friend wants to talk about her physical or emotional well-being, that option is available, but it's not forced upon her. If she doesn't mention the cancer/the medicine/the treatment, she might want to just talk about normal things.

    DO treat her like a normal person. Chemo, radiation, surgery... It shouldn't matter. She is still, for the most part, the person you knew. Cancer changes a person, but it does not change the humanity of that person. It is very unlikely that anyone wants to be seen solely as a "person with cancer."

    DON'T completely ignore that she IS a person with cancer. Sometimes, she might want to talk about treatments and fears, and these topics shouldn't be simply glossed over with a "You'll be fine" or "I know you can beat this." NEVER tell her she'll be fine. NEVER tell her to stay positive!

    DO let her talk about dying. Help her plan her funeral. Cry when she cries and laugh when she laughs. Let HER set the pace of these conversations. This is HER crisis, NOT yours.

    DON'T say "If there's anything I can do, let me know." It might be hard for her to ask, just because of social norms and customs. She might not want to intrude upon you. Questions like "Can I do this...?" seem to be better. Coming up with specific things you can do saves her the need to ask. So, things like "Could I give your kids a ride home from school?" or "Would you like me to bring over dinner?" might be more helpful than a general "What can I do?"

    BE CAREFUL about "Pinktober." Some women feel it's too "soft and fuzzy" to be associated with cancer. Some Stage IV ladies feel ignored by the month (and rightly so...). Some, due to being absolutely bombarded, grow to hate the color pink. Others embrace the pink and can't get enough of it. If you want to show your support through the pink movement, it might be a good idea to find out how your friend feels about it. Or if you're not comfortable asking, subtlety seems to be the best policy. Wear a pink bracelet or a pink ribbon necklace. Or better yet, find a breast cancer research center to donate to. Then you know exactly where your money is going (not always true with the Pink campaigns). Just don't deck yourself out in head to toe pink unless you're sure of how you will be received. Unless of course you simply LOVE pink and wear it all the time anyway. If that's the case, then by all means, continue!

And finally...

    DO be there for her! Listen to her, talk to her, cry with her, reassure her (though not in an overzealous way), give her pick-me-up sort of gifts, clean her house, make her dinner, take her kids out for ice cream, visit her, force her husband out of the house for awhile (but only if she thinks he may be going stir crazy), and give with your whole heart.

I really hope this is helpful to someone. And again, if you have anything to add or something here is wrong or offensive, let me know. I'll change it. In a heartbeat.

Edited for spacing and content suggestions.