Please allow me to vent a little...

I have had a rather rough week and need support from others who understand. There is just nowhere else I can vent about the events of this week without taking it out on someone unintentionally. I figure words on a screen is the 'safer' way to go. I apologize in advance. I've just had all I can take.
For the sake of having to add it all here, you can read how I got to this point in my signature. I added the progression of my experience with BC there for convenience. So, I finished my last round of chemo in March of this year. Actually, it was #5 of 6, but I was unable to "finish" because I developed pancreatitis. On Sept 30th, I went for a routine 6 month bloodwork/mammogram. Early this past week, I received a phone call, stating that some of my bloodwork was abnormal and tumor marker levels were "elevated". Later in the week, the results for the mammogram were in and evidently there was some "areas of concern". I did not receive much information beyond that, only to say that I should be in the office on monday morning (10/10/11).
Without knowing what any of it means, I do know one thing for certain...I AM SICK OF THIS DISEASE!!! There is never a moment where I'm not thinking about, dealing with it, going through something because of it. I have had ALL I CAN TAKE!!
One year ago, I was in this exact same place. I'd just learned that my breast cancer had returned after 4 years, this time invasively. I chose to go the "easier" route---I had a lumpectomy, followed by rads and 6 rounds of chemo. I never imagined a year later, I'd find myself where I am once again.
I do have something to admit. Since receiving the phone calls this week, I've been beating myself up over something. A year ago, I had the opportunity to choose a bilat mastectomy instead of the lumpectomy. I knew it was the safer route to go and I should've done it. I may not have found myself facing a possible recurrence if I had. Instead, I chose what I thought was right for me at the time, considering my situation. I was basically a single mother raising 2 young children on my own. We have no family to help and my husband is an over-the-road truck driver, never home to help. When he was home, he wanted to rest and not be responsible for the kids. So I seriously felt like a single mom....and all of a sudden, I was facing a very real fight. I couldn't imagine having major surgery, having to recover from it, deal with the emotional side of it, and then have to go through chemo for months. It seemed very surreal and impossible. So I made the decision to only have the lumpectomy. And now......I am filled with regret for not choosing what quite possibly could've prevented this situation I'm in now. I am sick, just sick, that I could've put my future and my children's future without me, in jeopardy.
I guess breast cancer really is a lifelong battle. It never really goes away, no matter what we do to fight it. Its always lingering, waiting to strike. Time goes by, we think we're in the clear, and then....BAM!!
No matter what happens, or what I find out next week, I will continue to fight. I just needed a moment to release what was boiling inside me. I appreciate you 'listening'. I would be grateful for your support and any words of wisdom. God bless.